Hi guys:) It's felt like so long since I've been on, and I've missed it! Lily had her first doctor's appointment Friday. She is just perfect (like I didn't already know that! :) She's only in the 25th percentile for height and weight, but the doctor said she's perfectly healthy. She's just a tiny little girl! We are so happy with her; every day it seems like she's new.
I wanted to take a few minutes to vent about something. This post has been building up in me since Utah, but I wanted to get some distance before writing it. The hospital where Lily was born was horrible to us. It was an absolute nightmare. I'm not sure if the nurses we dealt with were anti-adoption or what, but their behavior was completely inexcusable. To give you a few examples, even though I had a bracelet, they wouldn't let me see Lily in the nursery. They said "there are nursing mothers in here; you can't come in." I asked to have her brought out to me, and they took more than an hour to do so. We were asked to leave after visiting hours were over even though, again, I had a bracelet that showed me as Lily's mom. The worst part came during discharge. The agency we worked with did 56 adoptions in that hospital last year, so the nurses know everyone from the agency. But, when we went to pick Lily up, they said our social worker didn't have the right credentials (though she did an adoption there the previous week.) The nurse called security on us like we were trying to steal her. I totally understand being cautious, but they had seen us around for two days, they saw us with Autumn, and I had a "mom" bracelet on. Our social worker had to get on the phone with the owner of the agency who had to contact the board at the hospital. It took nearly three hours. We got no samples to take with us, we got absolutely no training or tips on how to care for Lily. They have a video they show new moms, but the nurse said, and I quote, "The baby is my patient, her mom was my patient, and you are not my patient." You would think that since we were caring for Lily that they would want us to know what to do. We didn't get any of her medical records (they said they'd only release them to the agency), we didn't get her first hospital picture, and we didn't get her little hand and foot prints. Those are things that are precious, but that we weren't allowed to have because the idiot nurses didn't consider us her parents, though legally we were by then. We also weren't allowed to come to get Lily before 10:00 am because the nurses had "10 new moms to discharge before we get to you." It was insulting, horrible, and so hurtful. These are just a few of the many issues we had in just two days time. I understand people's issues with adoption because I really do think that some women give babies up due to agency coercion. However, that was not our situation.
Is it worth filing a complaint about this? I felt so strongly about writing a letter before we got home, but now that we're home I almost want to just let it go. But, I also don't want people to get away with being so horrible to other people. Thoughts?
I am so anxious to get back to reading everyone's blogs! I feel so out of the loop! :)
Saturday, April 14, 2007
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32 comments:
I couldn't imagine not writing a letter. Think of it as a gift to the next adoptive mother. However, I would keep the letter kind and diplomatic. I think that would get you further.
I think that you should write a letter. It would be absolutely horrible if they continue to treat other adoptive parents the same way. For the sake of those to come, please write the hospital.
YES! Write a letter, complain, complain, complain!!!! And your agency should do the same. Go high up, as high as you can go. Completely disrespectful. Hmm...were you discriminated against? I'd think about that. They've done other adoptions, right? Was everyone adopting treated so poorly? Hmm. Give them a what-for, girl!! Sooooo sorry. :(
I agree with the other commenters - you must complain and you must go as high as possible. I am infuriated on your behalf, and on behalf of any other adoptive parent having to endure this unnecessary & disheartening treatment.
I would write a letter to complain.
In fact, after a failed IVF last year and a terrible time at a hospital in Hilton Head, SC trying two days to get a BETA draw, I just wrote a complaint letter. It made me feel better, and hopefully it will improve service.
It's so important that the hospital doesn't treat others that way. I mean, really. They should NEVER treat ANYONE like that. I mean geesh.
I'm glad you're home safe and sound and that it's OVER WITH, at least! :)
OMG. I am so sorry you had such a HORRIBLE experience. We had a similar experience, although not as bad as yours, when we adopted Jayden. On the day Jayden was born the agency kept calling the hospital to find out when we would be able to see the baby b/c the birthmom didn't want to meet us until the next day. They gave us such a hard time. Jayden was born at 2:01pm and we didn't get to see him until 9pm. We didn't stay long b/c we felt uncomfortable with the way the nurse kept peeking her head in every 5 minutes. Also we didn't get a bracelet, they just took copies of our IDs. The following day it only got worse. I went to the hospital for every one of his feedings. When I showed up the next morning for his feeding, they placed us in what seemed like a small closet and this is where we fed and bonded with our baby. 10 minutes into the feeding, a nurse barged in and said "Are you guys almost done, I have a mom who needs this room to breastfeed her baby." I was appalled. I told my husband I was NOT leaving, so we sat there. The nurse came back and then asked us to let the mom sit there and she placed us in an even smaller corner and pulled a curtain. So basically it was my husband, the baby, myself, and another mom with her baby and husband all in one small room with a curtain drawn. It was VERY uncomfortable. When we left I cried and told my husband that I just do not enjoy the hospital visits and I just want him home with us. It only got worse and we never had a private intimate setting with our son at the hospital. Then all hell broke loose on the day he was to be discharged. The birthmom was discharged and before she left she asked the nurse if everything was squared away for us to take the baby to the hotel with us. Well they told us to come back at 2 to pick him up. Mike and I went to what was supposed to be our last lunch together as a childless couple. We got a call on our cell from the agency saying that the nurse did not get all of the legal documents signed to release the baby to us. I start crying in the restaurant and Mike just wouldn't take no for an answer. We drove to the hospital and Mike pleaded with the nurse to see if there was anyway we could take the baby to the hotel, and that we would not leave the city with the baby at all. The nurse simply said that if we take the baby we would be wanted by the police for kidnapping. I burst out in tears again. I cried and cried that night b/c I was so close to having my baby in my arms and then I cried some more just thinking of him all alone at the hospital. The nurse had the birthmom to return to the hospital to sign the form and the agency called and told us to pick up our baby. Well guess where I was when the agency called. I was in that damn closet with my baby at the hospital and I wasn't leaving until he was able to leave with me!! LOL! Finally they gave us discharge papers. I also demanded a copy of his records (I had enough of the foolishness) and waited another 45 minutes for the records. Then finally we left with our son.
Yeah I considered writing a letter, b/c that is the only hospital in the city and all of the adoptions go through that hospital, so there was no reason why the nurse should have made that mistake. But once I got home with my baby, it no longer mattered to me about the letter. True, you could write a letter to save other adoptive parents from enduring the same, but if the city is just not adoption friendly, it's unlikey that things will change. As horrible as it sounds, the baby and the mother are the patients and you are viewed as a visitor, so they can't be fined or reprimanded for that rude and obnoxious comment, b/c it's actually true. You can ask any adoptive parent and they will tell you the same "The hospital experience was the worse." I am so sorry again that you had to have such a horrible experience, but just look at that sweet baby and remember that through it all you have been abundantly blessed :)
I am SO sorry about the terrible treatment you had to endure! That makes me sick that they could treat you, or any adoptive parent that way!
I would definitely write a letter, and I would go to the highest person possible. Write a letter to the hospital's website too. I'm sure that there is some place that's over the hospitals/regulates the hospitals that should receive a letter too. Definitely see about the adoption agency writing one as well. Don't let this kind of abuse and prejudice continue...and it really is abuse and prejudice.
Believe me, your letters can make a BIG difference. I know it's easier to just forget about it and move on, but you owe it to yourself and to other adoptive parents to make sure that this doesn't happen again. If everyone took the time to do this, and to also write about any good experiences, the world would be a better place.
On the brighter side...I'm so glad that you're home with Lily! It's been great to see your story unfold, and a new chapter being written!
Write a complaint. They treated you horribly.
I definitely think you should write a complaint. That's a way to help the adoptive parents who come after you (like, hopefully, me someday). But what everyone else said is right, it probably won't change much. And more importantly, you have MUCH BETTER things to do right now for yourself and for Lily.
Write a letter, that would be great and cathartic, but it's OK if you don't. Spend every second you can enjoying Lily.
You need to complain in writing ASAP while you are still mad. There is NO REASON for you to be treated like this and I am very offended. Go to the top on this one - do it for the next adoptive parent.
I would definitely write a letter and then move on. Think of it as protecting Lily and the way she was treated by them not letting her see her mommy and daddy. After you have written and sent it, then let it go and kiss your little girl because it was all still worth it.
I would write a letter to the hospital and a letter to the editor for the local paper in the town the hospital's in. I'm so sorry they treated you like that. I am happy that you have Lily with you now, you are so meant to me a mother.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that with the hospital. If it were me, I'd probably write the letter.
One question - did your agency prepare you that the hospital experience might not be good? Our agency did - they told us that some hospitals are adoption-friendly, and some aren't...even from one adoption to the next, in the same hospital, you can never tell. So I would let them know that if this "warning" and training on how to deal with a bad experience isn't currently part of their adoptive parent training, they should add it to the list of topics they go over with potential adoptive parents.
So glad you are home with Lily! Our son was in the 5-10th percentile at birth, and at 2 months he was already in the 50-75th percentile for both height and weight. They told us at his first checkup that at birth and shortly after, the charts really don't mean anything...so I wouldn't worry about her size, she'll grow faster than you can imagine!
Cate
I am so sorry to hear how horribly you were treated. I agree with Annie- I wouldn't just write a letter to the hospital, but I'd try to find a local paper or television station as well. It's a long shot, but maybe you can find a contact at a media outlet that has some personal connection to adoption (adopted a child him/herself, experienced IF, etc.) that would take interest in your story and get it out there so that it never happens to other adoptive parents again.
I've read the other responses. I think it would be a good idea to "mention" in the letter that you are thinking of contacting the local newspaper or a news station. Get them thinking & get them nervous! Treatment such as this is unacceptable & unfair.
We adopted three, as you know, & two of them came home straight from the hospital. Cailyn was already at home with her birthmom. Never did we experience the horrific treatment you did! Never. We were treated w/ the utmost respect at both hospitals (one local, one out of state). They knew who we were & why we were there. You should have been given a beautiful diaper bag full of samples, coupons, etc. You should have been given the opportunity to give the hospital all of your personal contact info. (even though they should have it), so when the baby photos come in, they know where to send them. They should have been available to answer any & all questions you might have, & offered advice as well. Your birthmother had already given the hospital all of y'alls information, so they knew darn good & well who was adopting Lily. There should have been no mistakes, no questions, no nothing. Let us know what you decide.
I am shocked and appalled at the treatment you received! Definitely write a letter to the board and send a copy to the Salt Lake Tribune and Channel 5 News (KSL) if they don't respond IN WRITING quickly. Utah has historically been a very adoption-friendly city, and I imagine that people there would be horrified to learn how you were treated.
Oh, I am so sorry that you had such an awful experience there! You know I have some good press contacts there! Hmm... :=)
On the other hand, I would probably request that the agency director give the hospital heck. Is there another hospital in town who could accomodate women who want to make an adoption plan?
I have heard that hospitals might not be supportive of adoption plans or the adoptive parents, but I have never heard of this kind of verbal abuse...
Glad you are home with your little girl!
Post some new pix when you have a mo'.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I think I actually spit on my computer screen! UGH! Yes, you should write a letter and definitely have your agency support you in your efforts. YUCK!
I have to say that not all hospital experiences are bad when adoption is involved. I had a great one. Enjoy your daughter! Congratulations!
first, I am so glad you are home and Lily is doing so well. It makes me happy to know that you are all doing well.
but my heart is hurting for how that nurse and hospital treated you. It's unexcusable and just hurtful. I would write a letter and let them know that to treat adoptive parents like that is just a horrible way to brink life into the world.
Oh, Katd...my blood is boiling!!! How dare they treat adoptive parents like that! You'd better believe I would be writing a letter at the very least! That should have been the happiest time of your life instead of such a nightmare. Even though technically you were not the patient, they sure won't hesitate to send YOU the bill for Lily's hospital stay if your insurance doesn't pay. So, in a way, you were paying them for their services and did not deserve to be treated with anything but the utmost respect. I am just appalled!
We were not treated like that at all. We actually had a good experience at the hospital. After the birthmother signed the papers, it was just like I was the mommy and they treated me as such. They brought in a video for me to watch and answered all of our questions with kindness and patience.
I am so terribly sorry that you had to go through all of that! Maybe by drawing attention to that awful behavior, you can save a future adoptive family the heartache that you endured.
Laurie
I'm sorry the hospital staff was so awful to you. It's hard to imagine what motivates that sort of behavior. I think a letter is in order. Maybe some adoption education for the staff would help some future families.
Glad things are going so well at home!
Hi..longtime reader, first time commenter :)
Write a letter...write MANY letters...it's a sad, sad thing that this road has to be paved by you, but because other adoptive parents who might have similar experiences at that hospital might not be as strong as you are, this is something you need to do. Luckily for you, you are a wholly objective and rational person...you were able to take those hateful words and place them on a back burner so that they did NOT infect your daughter's joyous first days. However, this awful nurse and her ignorance could ruin this experience for other mothers who are not quite as strong as you are just yet.
An unfortunate burden, but think of the heartache you could save someone...all in the time it takes to pen a thoughtfully composed missive on basic human decency and kindness.
My best wishes and heartfelt joy to you and your beautiful new arrival,
Liz
liz@wearemmt.info
Wow!
I am angry for you!! I would write a letter. Complain about the hospital and be sure to name whatever nurses were nasty to you!!
I am glad to hear you and Lily are doing so well.
Me again. One more thing, & then I will leave you alone.
Not only was the treatment you received horrific, but birthmothers (birthparents, in general) do not need this type of stress/insensitivity either. They are making one of the most difficult decisions of their lives & ignorance such as this does not help, & is not appreciated at such a delicate time.
Ok, I'm out. ;)
I TOTALLY agree with Melissa:-)
I think you should write a letter AND go to the newspapers/news media.
This is INEXCUSABLE! People need to be educated!
Im sure that the media would consider this a great human interest story and jump on it (as they should!)
Good luck with whatever you decide and know that Stirrup Queens everyone have got your back!
I second what everyone else has said - WRITE THE LETTER. Think of doing it both for Lily and for all the future adoptive parents out there :)
I forgot to say I'm sorry you were treated that way - it is inexcusable!!
Welcome Home!!!
I understand your loss of desire to write the letter. We had issues that really burned my butt during our adoption but once we got home and finally had a real live little person in our house, it just didn't seem important anymore.
However, that being said, you should probably still write something. Even if it's not the scathing empassioned letter you first envisioned, the hospital should be aware of the treatment you received.
Oh, I am so sorry that they treated you that way! I agree with the other commenters--I think you should write a letter. They treated you and your family horribly.
T
What a horrible experience! I can't believe how insensitive some people can be! I would definitely be giving them a piece of my mind.
Congrats on being home with your little Lily-bug!!
I'm so sorry you were treated so poorly. I lived in UT for a number of years and know how horrible many of the 'locals' can be to outsiders. I wonder if this is part of the issue?
Definitely write a letter. To your agency, to the hospital, to anyone you can think of.
I'd also ask your agency if this kind of treatment happened to 'locals' or only to outsiders. That's no excuse, though, this is really inexcusable.
First - congrats on becoming a new mom to such a lovely little girl! Second - I hope you decide to write a letter both as a release for you and to help future adoptive parents. What happened to you was awful.
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