4 weeks

I've been doing much better lately. We've got some more possible leads, and I scour the internet about fifty times a day for possible situations. But, last night, in my inbox was a "Your Baby at 4 Weeks" email from Baby Center. I had put in our match's due date so I could follow Amanda's pregnancy. Because I'll probably never carry a child, it made me feel closer to the situation to be able to follow the baby's development. Stupid me, I forgot to adjust the due date or remove that feature all together and got an email for that baby's 4th week of life. I still think of that baby and of Amanda. I hope she's doing well. I hope she's away from the man who threatened her and her baby. I pray that she's staying away from drugs and has found a place to live. Please, please do not scold me about birthmom's rights or about the baby being where he should be. I know that's not necessary to say for the most part, but I'm really tender today and couldn't take being scolded for not being PC enough about adoption.

When we started our homestudy, I read online that adoption was one of the hardest things most families go through. I thought they meant the paperwork! :) I really did.

Some happy news: My little brother is getting married Saturday. We have a really unique family situation, but one that I cherish so much. My brother's fiance was three months pregnant when they met (with the gorgeous baby you see pics of on here regularly). She had fallen into a situation that she now regrets, and the birth father wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. They met at church, and to me, that is the ultimate story of redemption and what Christianity should be about. She was pregnant, but the church didn't shun or lecture her. My brother didn't shun her. He fell in love with her and will become a husband and a daddy on Saturday. I find so much hope and so much faith in having her and the baby in our lives. He is "adopted" into our family. He isn't genetically related to any of us. But, my brother would give his life for that baby. I haven't once thought of him as my "adopted nephew." He is mine. He is ours. 100%. I can't wait for them to legally become what they already are in our hearts.
AND...the baby is wearing a tux. It's pin striped and has a vest, just like his soon-to-be Daddy's. Don't worry, there will be many pics posted! :)

Response to Comment

I don't want to get defensive, but I want to reply to a comment posted by "Just me" on the last post asking if I just want "any" baby or if I want a good, ethical situation. I'm a total wimp, and maybe I'm not reading that the right way, but that feels harsh to me. I DO want a good, ethical situation, but this blog is mostly for me to be able to vent. I'm not frustrated that I don't just have any baby yet. I'm frustrated that the people I have paid hard earned money to haven't done their jobs. I understand that there are MANY birthmoms who do and SHOULD parent their babies. But, that doesn't make it hurt less. This blog is for me and for my feelings. I feel pain that I'm not a mom yet. I feel frustration that I'm not physically able to give birth to a child. It's discouraging that we keep missing out on potential situations, but that doesn't mean I want a baby at any cost. I don't want this at the expense of anyone else, but my pain and our journey is what I blog about.
I totally understand what you posted about God having more in store for me than just having a child. I feel like I have already grown so much through this entire process, but I've also experienced a great deal of pain and loss that isn't easy to handle. Being a potential adoptive parent, I feel like we're often painted as the bad guy who is taking a child from his/her "real" parents. I'm not that person. You did an awesome job with your potential birthmoms, and I know you have an amazing relationship with your baby's birthmom. I'm just trying to find my way through this journey the best way I can. I feel judged often by my decisions regarding adoption and hurt very much by what people think or say. I pray that I'm doing what God wants me to do, and I know I've been protected by Him on the way. But, my pain is real, and the disappointment is real. I will be a great mother, and very often, I ache for a baby. This blog is about that.
I may just be WAY too sensitive, and please don't let this cause too much trouble, but I did want to address the question. I hope this has all come out right and that the feelings behind it (NO anger or sarcasm or snarkiness, just some sadness and a hope to convey what I feel) have come through. (I've just spend the last 30 min. agonizing over every word of this hoping that I don't offend anyone...I'm a total loser.) :)

D Day

Today's the day. Still nothing, but I'm not surprised. Does anyone know if agencies put you to the top of their "lists" if you have a failed match? I've heard from a few people that it probably won't take us long to rematch. Any experience with that?

Just like when I was shocked that I didn't get pregnant right away, I am really shocked that this has probably happened. I don't know why we always think we're above things happening to us, but I felt so strongly about adopting and I was so sure that it would happen quickly and painlessly for us. I can't wait for two weeks just in case she's late. We're taking it a day at a time, but Friday will probably be our limit. I don't want to give up on a child who may need me, but I'd also like to be able to move on if that's what I need to do.

Where is our baby? I want him/her to come home.

How I've spent my weekend

I have to say, first of all, thanks to Mel at Stirrups Queen for the shout-out in her Fridayblog round-up. It's a little embarassing how excited I was to see it :)

Next...my weekend has been filled with television. It's sad, but true. We watched the ENTIRE Lord of the Rings series yesterday. That's 12 hours of sitting on the couch watching tv. And that's not all. This morning, we watched "In America," which I can not recommend highly enough. It is one of the most beautiful movies I've ever seen. We started watching Super Bowl coverage at noon and are still at it. I have literally watched tv the entire weekend. I had to. It took all the energy I had to shower today. I feel completely frozen by this wait. I feel like I've already begun to mourn this loss, but I can't get over it because the due date isn't even here yet. I just want it to be over with.

I have this nursery full of furniture, tiny little clothes, silly baby toys, etc. and still no baby for any of it.

We saw a baby in Blockbuster last night (when we were renting our FOURTH movie of the weekend...shut up everyone) and I told my husband to grab it and run to the car. I was only half-joking. :)

Going CRAZY

The only new news is that no hospital has any record of Amanda yet. Our agency called just this morning and still nothing. Is that good news? I have no idea. It could mean that she hasn't gone into labor yet. It could mean she's not even in the state anymore. It could mean she gave birth a month ago. It could mean I might need a straight jacket soon.
My mom called last night and all I heard was her voice and I totally lost it. Why? Who knows. Because I'm turning into a crazy person, that's why. I go from total rage into complete despair into feeling hopeful because there's no WAY this woman can parent a child and she was the first person to admit it. CRAZY...that's me.

I know now why adoption agencies can charge $30,000 for babies. It's because you get to this point where you don't care what the cost is. They are able to get away with that because people like me get so desperate that they'll pay whatever it takes to whoever tells them they can get them a baby. Take out a loan? okay. Second mortage? sure. Just give me a baby and nobody gets hurt.

Yep, I'm nuts. How much longer?

Feeling better

No news, really, so I haven't known what to say as an update. Our agency has been calling all local hospitals to see if A has delivered yet, and she hasn't checked in at any of them, which gives me a small bit of hope (don't you hate that?!). But, who is to say that she's not in California or something...it's just impossible to predict what will happen.

I am feeling better because of all the situations I've come across lately. The social worker who did our home study called yesterday with TWO possibilities and the sites I used to check for situations are also listing many new ones. I am not giving up on our current situation completely, but I feel like it has to come down to self-preservation at some point. I need to know that there are other situations out there. I need to know that we could match again quickly. I know a psychiatrist would have a field day with me because I'm not dealing with this loss, but I'm afraid if I stop, even for a second, then I may not ever get back up again. That's how I was the infertility diagnosis, too. It's like I couldn't even deal with the possible disappointment that any treatment could bring. I jumped with my whole heart into adoption because I truly believe it is how I am supposed to build my family, but at the same time, I still haven't grieved the loss of a biological child. Is that because it's really not a big deal to me or because I can't face it? I don't know. All I know is that I can't let this possible disruption get me down even for a second. I want a baby NOW, and I can't take time out to grieve because that's just wasted time in pursuing our child.

Will I probably die from an ulcer or a stress related heart attack? Yep. :) But, at least I feel better today:)

I feel sick

I'm at work, first of all, trying to get through the day without losing it. Our social worker called and had some news about A. After the social worker left a note in the mailbox of her last known address yesterday, someone called the agency. It seems A isn't living there anymore. After Christmas, her boyfriend (and the birth father), got out of jail. So, she stole everything this guy has and left to go back with the boyfriend. What does this mean for us? That's selfish, and I know it, but what do we do? Does that mean that now he's out of jail that they'll want to keep the baby? If they stole money, jewelry, etc. from this guy are they long gone? I feel myself just falling apart. How do people get through this?
I know this isn't the end of it. She's still going to give birth, and she still may want to place, but everything keeps pointing to it not happening. Why can't she just CALL and tell them what's going on?
I can't go through this; I just can't.