One more week

As of today, no local hospitals have any records of Amanda. She is due in one week. I need input: how long after the due date do we hold out hope? She had an ultra sound very early, and doctors have told us that such an early ultrasound is probably very close to what her due date will be. What do you think?

I'm going to post something upbeat today. I want to focus on the positives in my life and things I'm excited about in the future. So, here it goes.

1. I am PSYCHED for the Superbowl. I'm a midwestern girl at heart, and I know in my hometown (directly between Chicago and Indianapolis), people are going nuts with excitement. I went to college in Indy, so I am a huge Colts fan...plus, Peyton Manning is my secret boyfriend. :)

2. My mom has been out of town for nearly three weeks (in Hawaii, don't feel sad for her), and I've nearly gone crazy. We usually talk every day, and it's been TOUGH to not talk to her. She gets home today, and I can hardly wait.

3. Even if this adoption doesn't go through, I have a mini-break from work at the end of next week. I think I may extend it one day and have Friday-Tues. off. That will allow me a few days to heal and regroup if things don't work out.

4. I have a box of double chocolate brownie mix hiding in my kitchen cabinet. I've been saving it for quite some time. I may make them while my husband is working the next two nights. Do I have to share them with anyone? NO!

5. This morning while driving to work, I heard a DJ on the radio talking about her co-worker's wife. She is suffering from some odd heart issues and has had to go to the hospital multiple times in the past few days. He told her not to worry because "God's got it." It was so simple, but it was so profound for me this morning. My faith has been truly put to the test throughout this journey, but to remember that God "has it" and I don't need to worry puts me totally at ease. He knows where Amanda is right at this very moment, even though I don't. He knows what will happen, and I truly believe He will bring us the child we have been praying for, even if this baby is not that child. I am impatient and I don't WANT to wait (and nobody is allowed to remind me of this post the next time I'm feeling sorry for myself! :), but I have to give up some control and let God take it.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him." 1 Samuel 27

Homesick

Isn't it weird to feel like you miss something you don't yet have? I don't know if the baby due in a week is meant for us, but I do know that our baby is out there somewhere. I think the worst part of all of this is the longing for a baby who may or may not already be conceived. Our baby might be out there right now giving his/her birthmom little kicks. He/She may be days away from birth or may be newly conceived.
I was ALWAYS the kid at summer camp who missed home. I love being at home. I hate leaving for work some mornings because I feel homesick. Yes, I'm a grown woman:) I feel that way about our baby. My heart and my arms seriously ache at times. I want to hold my child. I wish I could be the one to keep him/her warm and safe in utero. I hate that our future child may be subjected to drugs in the womb. When I was trying to get pregnant, I didn't even want to get too close to the gas pump because I didn't want to inhale the fumes.
I have moments where I want to scream at the complete injustice.

This post is quite a downer. I'll end with an upbeat note...I have a piece of Ghirardelli chocolate hiding in my desk. I'm going to eat it right now! :)

Feeling better

No news, really, so I haven't known what to say as an update. Our agency has been calling all local hospitals to see if A has delivered yet, and she hasn't checked in at any of them, which gives me a small bit of hope (don't you hate that?!). But, who is to say that she's not in California or something...it's just impossible to predict what will happen.

I am feeling better because of all the situations I've come across lately. The social worker who did our home study called yesterday with TWO possibilities and the sites I used to check for situations are also listing many new ones. I am not giving up on our current situation completely, but I feel like it has to come down to self-preservation at some point. I need to know that there are other situations out there. I need to know that we could match again quickly. I know a psychiatrist would have a field day with me because I'm not dealing with this loss, but I'm afraid if I stop, even for a second, then I may not ever get back up again. That's how I was the infertility diagnosis, too. It's like I couldn't even deal with the possible disappointment that any treatment could bring. I jumped with my whole heart into adoption because I truly believe it is how I am supposed to build my family, but at the same time, I still haven't grieved the loss of a biological child. Is that because it's really not a big deal to me or because I can't face it? I don't know. All I know is that I can't let this possible disruption get me down even for a second. I want a baby NOW, and I can't take time out to grieve because that's just wasted time in pursuing our child.

Will I probably die from an ulcer or a stress related heart attack? Yep. :) But, at least I feel better today:)

Pals and nephews

You guys are great. Every time I check my email, there is a new comment from a blogger pal, and you have no idea how uplifting and encouraging you are to me. I read your blogs and feel inspired. I read the stories of women who have endured the same pain I feel and even more. I read the stories of families created through adoption who would go through it all again if it meant getting the child meant for them.

Thank you for your support and for your unbelievable strength.

We were on the phone all afternoon yesterday. Nothing new, but our agency STILL insists they believe she will place. We're praying that she makes the right decision for her baby. We're praying God brings us the child meant for us.

Until then...here is the second thing that gets me through. Check out my nephew; is he the cutest thing you've ever seen? Being an aunt has been the greatest joy I've ever experienced, which makes me realize that being a mom will be worth all of this garbage right now.

I feel sick

I'm at work, first of all, trying to get through the day without losing it. Our social worker called and had some news about A. After the social worker left a note in the mailbox of her last known address yesterday, someone called the agency. It seems A isn't living there anymore. After Christmas, her boyfriend (and the birth father), got out of jail. So, she stole everything this guy has and left to go back with the boyfriend. What does this mean for us? That's selfish, and I know it, but what do we do? Does that mean that now he's out of jail that they'll want to keep the baby? If they stole money, jewelry, etc. from this guy are they long gone? I feel myself just falling apart. How do people get through this?
I know this isn't the end of it. She's still going to give birth, and she still may want to place, but everything keeps pointing to it not happening. Why can't she just CALL and tell them what's going on?
I can't go through this; I just can't.

Question

Do any of you know any statistics on adoption/match disruption? I am freaking out more and more every day, and I am wondering how founded my concerns are. Do most women who sign with adoption agencies place? Our potential birthmom, according to all I've read, isn't risky (other than that whole lack of communication thing). She's got an older child who she doesn't have custody of, she has no home, she has no support, and social services will more than likely take this baby if she doesn't relinquish her rights.

I spoke with our agency today. There is no news at all. She still hasn't called. She signed with them in Dec. and hasn't called back since she signed. I guess there's no real reason for her to call. She didn't want to choose the family, and she is in complete denial, according to the social worker. They think she'll just call when at the hospital. I hope she does.

Nursery Updates

This doesn't mean you can skip reading my post below! :) We worked on the nursery over the weekend, though, and I wanted to a pic. You may only view it only if you promise to read my long post below. I'm trusting you.

Ignore the light cord and the crooked lampshade...okay, we're not totally finished. I love the boxes my husband hung. We're getting there.

I've been tagged! :)

So, TeamWinks over at Are We There Yet? tagged me to write a Meme of six things that are strange about me. It's sad how excited I am to do this:) I feel like one of the popular girls in school. :) So, six things...here we go:

1. I still get nervous about the next day of work on Sunday nights. This stems back from dreading going back to school after a weekend. I don't mind my job, really, but I hate leaving my warm, cozy house.

2. I like to clean. Really. I get into my groove with embarassing music like The Carpenters or Debbie Gibson (who doesn't want to clean to "Shake Your Love"?). I love looking around at my clean house. I love knowing that every piece of clothing we own is clean, folded, and put away.

3. I have a little pencil mark on my right knee. When I was a kid, there (for some odd reason) was a really sharp pencil laying on our carpet. The phone rang, and I was scooting across the floor on my knees to get it. The pencil went through my jeans and right into my knee. Luckily, pencils aren't really made of lead anymore, but 15 years later, I still have a little black pencil dot on my knee. It's really attractive.

4. This is going to be another crazy wound story. I have a dent in my forehead. Seriously. When I raise my eyebrows up, you can see a big, dented circle right in the middle. When I was four, my dad was just getting home from work one afternoon, and I went running across the garage to meet his car. I don't how I could've missed it, but I tripped over the handle of my red wagon and face planted into the cement. My parents were really worried because the knot on my head started swelling in rather than out. I'm fine, but to this day, I still have a head dent:) I didn't realize how clumsy I am until I started making this list!

5. I like to visit open houses. We aren't looking for a new home AT ALL, but I love going to open houses on Sunday afternoons. I think it's the inner busybody in me, but I love looking at how people have their furniture set up, and most of all, I like when the realtor leaves us alone so I can scope out people's pictures, books, and DVDs. It's a sickness. :)

6. I'm crazy for sample sites (spoofee.com, etc.) and doing online surveys. I haven't bought deodorant for about a year because of freebies I've gotten online.

I'm glad I could examine how strange I really am:) Now I have to tag five people...let's see:
Domesticated: http://www.domesticated.typepad.com/domesticated/
Lani at Hopelessly Waiting: http://www.hopelesslywaitingtobeamommy.blogspot.com/
Kir's Corner: http://piccinigirlcorner.blogspot.com/
Amazing Journey: http://amazingjourney.blogs.com/amazing_journey/
Red Velvet Cake: http://redvelvetcake.typepad.com/

I just picked some people from blogs that I read daily, so I hope those are proper blogger manners. I can't wait to read them:)

No news on the adoption front, except that Amanda is now 37 weeks, which is considered by most to be full term. AND we finished the nursery this weekend. I'll have to post pictures when I get home from work. Yes, I'm at work...so what? :)

Crying during laundry

I took the tags off of some of the more gender neutral baby clothes we have last night, and I washed them. I cried off and on the entire time. Definitely not the reaction I thought I would have. This is going to be incredibly un-politically correct of me, but I am terrified our potential birthmom will change her mind. On all the adoption boards, they'd jump all over me for saying that and tell me it's her baby until the revocation period is up and that it's never a failure when a woman chooses to parent her child. I know all that. It's another thing entirely to have gone through the incredible pain of infertility and to FINALLY have hope that a baby is on its way.
I know how important it is that birth families have rights and are treated with respect and love. At the same time, this isn't the first time most of us have been faced with the possible loss of all hope. There has to be a balance between compassion for the potential birth family and for the adoptive family.

I'm not sure where this is coming from; I suppose because the due date is approaching, and I'm starting to do concrete things to get ready. Nothing has happened to indicate that A will change her mind, so all this worry is truly unfounded, but I can't seem to stop myself from it. How do you continue to protect your heart?

How do teenagers get pregnant and have children so easily? :)

I am the champion of exercise

So, I've worked out two days in a row now...isn't that enough? :) It's funny how much better I feel after just two days. My muscles hurt like a beast, but it's that good kind of hurt that reminds me that I've done something good for myself. And really, it's helping so much with all this adoption stress.

We got an email from the agency we're using yesterday. Just when you think there's no more paperwork or forms to fill out, you get an email saying your paperwork is incomplete. I thought I'd rip my hair out. We have less than four weeks until A's due date, and we have a list of ten more forms, certificates, etc. to get organized. It's been said a million times, but any idiot can give birth to a child, but I feel like I've had to prove myself countless times to be a suitable parent. I know it's to prevent weirdos from adopting, but it gets frustrating having to answer for the millionth time what my parenting philosophy is and what I hope to most impart on my children.

The good news is, though, that with the request for more info came an update. A (our potential birth mom) has had a bit of medical care. She saw a doctor very early on in her pregnancy. She tested negative for all STDs and for all drugs. That's a relief to us since she tested positive for cocaine a few weeks ago. She says she has no idea how she tested positive. It seems like a good indication that maybe she only uses occasionally if she tested negative early on in the pregnancy. All I want is for her to call the agency and have ONE ultrasound. Should I worry that she hasn't had much medical care? Should I worry that we have so little knowledge of or contact with her? Our social worker put it best when she said that at the end of this is a child who needs a family. In less than four weeks, if she places, then none of this will matter. It won't matter that we don't get updates frequently. It won't matter that I've had to detail our infertility battles numerous times for numerous agencies. All that matters is that there may be a baby who needs a family. I hope we get to be that family!

Baby Clothes

I couldn't resist! I did some shopping at the Carter's outlet on the way back home from the holidays. I was a bit hesitant because our situation is tenuous at best, but everything I got is gender neutral, and I know we'll eventually be parents, so I went for it! It was all I could do not to go nuts! My husband's pick was the "metal" baby hand:)

A little update for you guys: still no doctor's appointment scheduled, but I've done a bunch of research on bmoms and what they go through. Many stop contacting the agency at the end of the pregnancy because it's part of their grieving process. I know this is quite a generalization, but it did make me feel a bit better. I have to keep reminding myself that whatever will be will be regardless of whether I worry or not. So, I'm trying to remain positive. According to babycenter.com, the baby 35 weeks and 1 day. It's hard not to get excited when I read that he/she is probably already around 5lbs. :) Hope all is well for you guys in blogger land.