Oh, how I wish I had a laptop in the car that I could somehow blog on! I was going crazy last night driving home from my mom's house because I had this great post working in my head. I know it won't come out as well the morning after:)
We were visiting family this weekend and my husband and I had the longest talk about infertility, adoption, and continuing to "try" for a bio baby. I started out talking to him about the post I had previously written detailing the whole aren't you still trying thing. I felt bad when I read Mayhem's comment (NOT because of the comment -I love Mayhem, her blog, and her comments!, but because of what it made me realize.) I have tended to post only the negative comments we've gotten because I let them bother me way too much. At the heart, people aren't trying to be mean - they just can't possibly understand the "stuff" behind what they're saying. I need to try to focus on all the unbelievable support we've had. My mom is my rock. She quite possibly loves Lily as much as I do. My sister, brother, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law - they are all so nuts for our girl. I need to remember how little it matters what some near-stranger thinks or knows about our family. I need to turn my focus toward the fact that six months ago, I had no idea that this beautiful little person was on her way to us. And when (because it will happen) people make stupid comments, I need to respond with all the love that I have in my heart for my daughter.
BUT, that's not really what this post is about:) I started talking to my husband yesterday about the post and about how bad I felt for not posting more positive things sometimes, and he comes out of NOWHERE and says, "Well, aren't we still going to try?" Um....knock me over with a feather. How can it be (and I know you've all been there!) that I spend about 90% of my time with this man but sometimes I have no idea what's going on in that head. We talked and talked...and talked some more about the issue. Here is another thing that is truly behind my complete lack of interest in pregnancy. I would do anything in the world to protect Lily from feeling like she's second best. If she ever felt like she was just part of the "meantime" while we were waiting for a bio child, it would break my heart. Because nothing in the world is farther from the truth. I know lots of families have a combo of adopted and bio kids- my good blog pal Jess is currently mommy to beautiful Ava and has a little one on the way- do you ever worry about that? Is it okay to ask that personal of a question or am I being one of "those" people? :) Maybe it's a great way to teach kids about love and what family truly is - not genetics, but people who love, support, and care about each other. I need to do some more thinking about it. :) I'm excited to read comments about this - I want to know how others feel/deal with it.
And way down deep at the bottom of my psyche - I do not want to open my heart to the pregnancy door again. I don't want to venture into any more pain. I truly have dealt with the grief of accepting I probably won't be pregnant and give birth. I don't want to go down the path of RE visits and shots and drugs and sperm washes and the intense pain of negative pregnancy tests with still only a REMOTE chance of ever conceiving. I can't do it - not when I know in my heart that adoption is the way we are supposed to build our family. My husband totally understood and agreed, and I feel so blessed to be married to this man who loves me and our daughter so completely.
Adoption isn't for everyone, and I feel like it IS the way for us to build our family. And this is not at all intended to knock anyone who disagrees or anyone who has a blended (adopted and bio) family. I think any way a family is built is beautiful! And it's not just so I can be spared the pain of infertility because heaven knows adoption is not pain-free. :) But, adopting Lily has been the best experience of my life. I can't imagine not doing it again. It was one of those experiences you can't fully appreciate until you look back because you're not capable of processing so many intense emotions all at once.
This post is ALL over the place, but I have to end with a few pics from the weekend. My gorgeous nephew is still trying to decide how he feels about Lily. He is so gentle with her, but he doesn't like it much that she gets a bottle and he no longer gets one. He's also not a fan of Lily on his mama's lap! :) But, he pats her so gently on the head and when he comes around a corner and sees her, he gives a little squeal and giggle. According to his mom, he doesn't pay that kind of attention to any of the other babies at church. And she just lights up when she sees him. It's amazing and it totally warms my heart. THAT is what family is! :) Isaiah, if you recall, isn't biologically related to us, either. He and Lily share no blood, but they already "know" and "love" each other (in their own special baby ways!) Finding someone who will also put a tupperware bowl on their head with you - that's family. :)
