Oh, how I wish I had a laptop in the car that I could somehow blog on! I was going crazy last night driving home from my mom's house because I had this great post working in my head. I know it won't come out as well the morning after:)
We were visiting family this weekend and my husband and I had the longest talk about infertility, adoption, and continuing to "try" for a bio baby. I started out talking to him about the post I had previously written detailing the whole aren't you still trying thing. I felt bad when I read Mayhem's comment (NOT because of the comment -I love Mayhem, her blog, and her comments!, but because of what it made me realize.) I have tended to post only the negative comments we've gotten because I let them bother me way too much. At the heart, people aren't trying to be mean - they just can't possibly understand the "stuff" behind what they're saying. I need to try to focus on all the unbelievable support we've had. My mom is my rock. She quite possibly loves Lily as much as I do. My sister, brother, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law - they are all so nuts for our girl. I need to remember how little it matters what some near-stranger thinks or knows about our family. I need to turn my focus toward the fact that six months ago, I had no idea that this beautiful little person was on her way to us. And when (because it will happen) people make stupid comments, I need to respond with all the love that I have in my heart for my daughter.
BUT, that's not really what this post is about:) I started talking to my husband yesterday about the post and about how bad I felt for not posting more positive things sometimes, and he comes out of NOWHERE and says, "Well, aren't we still going to try?" Um....knock me over with a feather. How can it be (and I know you've all been there!) that I spend about 90% of my time with this man but sometimes I have no idea what's going on in that head. We talked and talked...and talked some more about the issue. Here is another thing that is truly behind my complete lack of interest in pregnancy. I would do anything in the world to protect Lily from feeling like she's second best. If she ever felt like she was just part of the "meantime" while we were waiting for a bio child, it would break my heart. Because nothing in the world is farther from the truth. I know lots of families have a combo of adopted and bio kids- my good blog pal Jess is currently mommy to beautiful Ava and has a little one on the way- do you ever worry about that? Is it okay to ask that personal of a question or am I being one of "those" people? :) Maybe it's a great way to teach kids about love and what family truly is - not genetics, but people who love, support, and care about each other. I need to do some more thinking about it. :) I'm excited to read comments about this - I want to know how others feel/deal with it.
And way down deep at the bottom of my psyche - I do not want to open my heart to the pregnancy door again. I don't want to venture into any more pain. I truly have dealt with the grief of accepting I probably won't be pregnant and give birth. I don't want to go down the path of RE visits and shots and drugs and sperm washes and the intense pain of negative pregnancy tests with still only a REMOTE chance of ever conceiving. I can't do it - not when I know in my heart that adoption is the way we are supposed to build our family. My husband totally understood and agreed, and I feel so blessed to be married to this man who loves me and our daughter so completely.
Adoption isn't for everyone, and I feel like it IS the way for us to build our family. And this is not at all intended to knock anyone who disagrees or anyone who has a blended (adopted and bio) family. I think any way a family is built is beautiful! And it's not just so I can be spared the pain of infertility because heaven knows adoption is not pain-free. :) But, adopting Lily has been the best experience of my life. I can't imagine not doing it again. It was one of those experiences you can't fully appreciate until you look back because you're not capable of processing so many intense emotions all at once.
This post is ALL over the place, but I have to end with a few pics from the weekend. My gorgeous nephew is still trying to decide how he feels about Lily. He is so gentle with her, but he doesn't like it much that she gets a bottle and he no longer gets one. He's also not a fan of Lily on his mama's lap! :) But, he pats her so gently on the head and when he comes around a corner and sees her, he gives a little squeal and giggle. According to his mom, he doesn't pay that kind of attention to any of the other babies at church. And she just lights up when she sees him. It's amazing and it totally warms my heart. THAT is what family is! :) Isaiah, if you recall, isn't biologically related to us, either. He and Lily share no blood, but they already "know" and "love" each other (in their own special baby ways!) Finding someone who will also put a tupperware bowl on their head with you - that's family. :)
13 comments:
Such adoprable pics!
Husbands are so funny. Sometimes my husband gets me with a zinger and I am like, "huh?" Really?"
I enjoy reading your posts. I never really see any of them as negative. I just think that when something bothers us we will tend to write or talk about it more. Kind of therapy. I am a flight attendant and we use "jumpseat therapy". We will end up telling our fellow co workers our life stories, vent etc...Sometimes I will get off the airplane and think they must have a truly different picture of who I really am. But it's because sometimes it is more 'safe" to talk to strangers. I will even get passengers sometimes telling me these wild stories and I think, how strange it is for them to be telling me such personal thoughts. But then they will never see me again...so I am their safe therapy...and my rate is really good. :)
Anyway, I would love to get some of your thoughts/information on your adoption process. If you are willing would you please email me (at your convenience) at skyaangel at aol dot com (two AA's). Thanks!
What a sweet post! I agree with you on the point that families can be built any way it happens. And if you feel that adoption is your way...then you must go with your gut.
i do that all the time, write the perfect post in my head and then it's gone by the time i can get to a computer. i hate that! yours still came out well though!
i've wondered about the adopted/bio mixed family myself. we adopted older children, so i'm sure we could explain to them as we went along if some miracle pregnancy were to happen. or even if we chose to adopt again. i've been wanting to foster or foster to adopt, but am hesitant on how my girls would deal with "giving back" a baby/child if the placement wasn't long term. i'm not sure it would be best for us right now. at the same time, i'd like them to be part of a big family.
i think i just rambled a lot without really answering your question. i did grow up with a very close friend whose sister had been adopted just before my friend was conceived, and they were a very strong family. in fact, i didn't know she was adopted for a long time, and i don't think it's because it was some big secret, i think it's just because they didn't even really notice either. they had two daughters and that was it.
and those pictures are great!
LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. These thoughts were/are running through my head too. Pregnancy sometimes flits through my mind, but I get much more excited about adoption. I can't wait to be where are, with my own child, built with love.
Just so you know, I don't think you're being negative!
It's important to be able to talk about stupid things people say, and if you can't vent about it on your blog, well!
I appreciate this post very much. I've wondered the same things about how my boys would feel if we had bio kids, not wanting them to feel second best, but also not being sure what the right decision is for us.
I'm glad that you and your husband are in agreement that your path to family building is through adoption.
I worry about J having a little brother or sister who we come about the more average way...and of course, J's African American and to me it make it even more important. BUT...T doesn't see it my way, he's more of the school you mentioned--that we'd be a family and that we'd teach them love doesn't have anything to do with blood or color.
I don't know. You're not the only one thinking all over the place ;)
ok, the picture at the end is TOO cute. I Love it!!
This is a great post--I think you put into words how a lot of moms through adoption feel at one time or another.
Oh no, you're not being one of those people. It's perfectly ok to ask...even if I wasn't pretty much an open book (we are), you pass the "it's ok" test because you're in on the adoption stuff. :)
I HAVE stuff to say, and it's not that I don't want to say it here, but it's that it might end up long, and I don't want to hijack your blog. So I'm off to try to dig up your email. lol!
(PS, seriously, that bowl pic is soooo cute!)
Like you, My posts are always much better in my head (usually while in the shower) than hours later when I type them in.
I'll have to read more about your adoption experience. It sounds amazing. I hear your love for Lily and your compassion for her firstparents.
Thanks for de-lurking on my blog.
I think part of it too is that we finally put treatments behind us, and those comments make us rethink that whole decision which is frustrating. I agree with you though, my little boy is not an "in the meantime" thing, and people should assume that this is the way we are choosing to build our family - and not question it!
I loved reading this post. I have thought about this so much myself. If I were to ever be matched and finalize(see I'm negative too!), would I ever ttc again? What would the mean for our adopted son/daughter? What message would it send to him/her? That they didn't satify my need to parent? That I still needed a bio baby? It's a tough call. Today I think I would not continue with another IVF, but tomorrow could bring different emotions.
I love this post! I totally agree with you that I don't want to have a bio child anymore. I know adoption is the way we are meant to build our family. In fact I just went back on the pill...not to prevent pg since that doens't seem to be an issue but to help with the cramps etc.
I feel so blessed to have built our family by adoption, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I just love reading your posts because often times i could have written them myself because I feel exactly the same way! Thank you for being better at expressing yourself than I am!
It can be frustrating having to explain and justify and educate. I don't really want to be a lifelong spokesperson for adoption. Not because it's not a great cause, or topic or whatever, but because I am not inclined to share my opinions on private matters with everyone that asks (IRL I guard my privacy).
I find I'm still learning the balance with the adoption 'topic'. And I think you're right when you say most people don't mean any harm with their comments. They aren't aware of the complex emotions behind it all.
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