Greetings from Utah

Hi guys! :) We are here, and I just had to check in. My husband is ironing our clothes for tonight...most of them don't even need ironing, but it's crazy the pressure we feel to present ourselves well. She already likes us from our profile and our conversations, but I'm oh so afraid anyway.
Can I just say that Utah is absolutely stunning? We're in Salt Lake City and there are mountains everywhere you look. It's beautiful. Our social worker met us at the airport, and she was wonderful. We had a little talk about A and her situation. She's never once faltered at all about adoption. And our social worker said that she is out today buying a new outfit because she's so nervous to meet us and wants to look "cute." Isn't that precious?! It makes me feel strangely better that she wants to be with us and get to know us. It seems less likely to disrupt if she's comfortable with us and if she's really involved in the process, you know?
I'll be sure to let you all know how dinner goes. I can't thank you enough for the emails and comments of support. I get all teary eyed every time I read them. I love this community and I am so grateful to have all of you in my corner!

Waking up a 4 am

This won't be a poignant post. I'm so tired and so jittery that I hardly can make sense of my thoughts. I woke up at 4 am with the realization that our previous agency has not sent any of our paperwork (fingerprints, sealed birth certificates) to the new agency. They have a copy of our homestudy, but the fingerprints are what I'm most worried about. That could prevent the adoption, couldn't it? I got up at 4 and emailed everyone I ever talked to at the old agency. They told us previously that they'd send whatever we need wherever we needed it, so I'm taking some comfort in that, but I really need people to be open and awake and ready for business whenever I need them :) They'll overnight all that stuff to the new agency, won't they? Please say yes! :)

I had a not so minor melt down last night. I had everything packed beautifully. The baby's suitcase was really packed tight so that the gifts for A and her boys won't get smashed. My husband wisely asked if we need to even pack diapers and formula because it'd be easier to not carry them with us and just buy them there. And it would leave room to pack the camera in the suitcase. You would've thought he asked me to walk to Salt Lake City; I just lost it! Looking back, obviously it's because of all the changes that took place yesterday and continue to take place today. I'm thrilled to be able to stay home with our kids. It's going to be a definite lifestyle adjustment for us, but it's important to me, so it's worth it. But, though I've struggled with the administration at work, I adore my kids and I adore what I do. I've done it since I came out of college, and I'm not sure yet who I am without those girls. I know, though, that once I hold my own girl, I'll know I made the right decision, but it's a tougher transition than I imagined. And we're on the cusp of possibly the biggest event in our lives. In 24 hours, we'll be on a plane to meet the woman who may give us the baby who is already being a stinker and trying to come out too early:) I didn't really care about the stupid suitcase, but it triggered a melt down that was a few days in the making....plus, it really was packed nicely. :)

Today I'm cleaning the house and doing a tiny bit of laundry. I'm going to finish packing (AGAIN!....grrr...maybe it was about the suitcase! :) ) and I have to go to the bank to get the money figured out. And that's it. I'm ready to go. How scary!!!!

4 cm! **With an update for Jess** :)

Things are moving so quickly! The doctor said A is nearly 4 cm already, but she's not effaced, so he didn't admit her. She asked us if we could come out earlier. She really wants to meet and spend time with us, which I love. She is getting really emotional, and she said she wants to know we're there to parent the baby whenever she gets here. I had no idea this would be this heart-wrenching. It's horribly sad. A is a great girl. She's smart and funny and warm. She's been through hell, and I won't go into that on here, but she doesn't want to parent this baby because of it. She's not a terrible mom. She's not a drug addict. She isn't homeless or without family. I kind of want to adopt her, too.

So, now we're flying out early Thurs. morning. I'm so overwhelmed you guys. I'm rushing around trying to get packed, folding little tiny clothes while trying not to get any emotional attachment to them (ha...as if that is possible). We finally got in touch with a lawyer to set up finalization because our agency needs his name. We bought plane tickets, reserved a hotel, booked a rental car...we're good to go. Today is my last day of work. It's so odd. I didn't think I'd be as sad as I am. I'm pretty much an emotional disaster right now. I'll post more later:)

**Update: Oh, silly Jess, of course I am taking my computer. How would I function without being able to blog? :) My husband may leave me when I pull out the laptop at the hospital, though. :)***

Frilly Outfit

Babies R Us is from the devil; I've decided. They make you feel like you need everything in that store to be a good parent! Rant over.

Here are pictures of the little outfit we bought (I love the little hat and cardigan! The pictures don't show how TINY they are). We only bought one. Mel gave me good advice (thanks!). She said that one outfit won't put me over the edge if this doesn't happen, but if it does, it will be something I always remember. I'm with her! Isn't it so beautiful? Little girl clothes are fun! :)

We're supposed to get a phone call from the agency tonight because A had a dr.'s appt. today. At her last one, she was already 2cm, so I'm excited to hear a report. It makes me happy that she wants to call and share things like that with me. I'm getting nervous (shocking, I know), though, because the agency still hasn't gotten us the paperwork to sign. I know it happened over the weekend, but it's Mon. now! Don't they realize I'm sitting here waiting? :)

I'm still not sleeping...at ALL! I just can't. I'm exhausted, but I lay down and I just can't relax. I talked to work today, though!! I told them Wed. is my last day AND I told them that I'm pretty sure I'll be a stay at home mom after the baby comes. I'm going to teach a class or two at a local university and make more than what I make teaching high school full time right now. I'll miss my kids, though! But, I have no doubt that being home with my little one will be well worth it. Now, let's just get her here!

I'll post later tonight if there's news from the dr! :)

I should be sleeping!

About a million people have said to me, "You'd better get your sleep now before the baby comes." :) It's like telling a little one to sleep on Christmas Eve. I just can't do it!

You should see the little outfit I got yesterday! It's so beautiful! Our digital camera broke yesterday (can you believe it?? I have to get another one - this is like the picture summit of life!), but I'll post a pic of the outfit as soon as I can.

I'm so thankful for this opportunity, and I'm trusting that it will happen (how can it not when Mel had two 2 year olds praying for it? What's closer to God than that? :), but I'm a bit nervous. Much less so than last time. And I also have to admit that I feel a sense of sadness for A. She is very secure in her decision, but I know she's going to hurt so much after this. You can't be human and not feel deep sadness at a mother leaving the hospital without the baby she just delivered. It hurts me so much. I'm really battling with being over the moon excited, feeling nervous and hesitant, and feeling guilty that I will be granted a family at another's expense...and now I feel guilty for posting anything that's not just full of elation. I am SOOOO excited:)

I'll say it again, you guys are the greatest. I've saved and printed out every single email and comment to put in the baby's book. I want her to see how much she is wanted and how supportive this community is. She will be able to read all the warmth, support, and love from this community of women, and I think that is so important. Happy Sunday! :)

a little girl...

This has been the craziest night of my life. You all are just amazing. I truly sat here reading all the messages with tears rolling down my face. Just six months ago, I felt so alone and so unsure of where to turn. Not that all is figured out, but I never feel alone anymore. You have no idea how it feels to know that at one certain second of the day, there are women all over the country thinking of and praying for you. I got messages from so many of you right near 6 just lending support. You guys have no idea how much that has meant to me.

Our talk with A was unreal. I am so glad we did it. She is warm and funny. I won't go too much into her background, but I will say that she seems very sure that this is right for her. She has an excellent support system. She wants to meet us, so I think we're going to be flying out either Fri. or Sat. to have dinner with her before the baby is born. She was so complimentary. She said when she saw our profile, she felt like she could see who were are by looking into our eyes. So many people told me that you'll have no idea why a mom may choose you, and it's true. She said what first drew her to us was that my husband plays guitar and that she felt like she knew us when she saw us.

She's in Utah, which is about 22 hours in a car from here, so I guess we'll be flying. Any tips on finding good fares this late? It's funny that after spending 20k on an adoption, we're kicking and screaming over plane fares:) We have to stay in Utah for up to 2 weeks for ICPC to go through, and that worries me financially, too, but for now, I'm just going to be excited. I don't want to count chickens or anything, but for my own mental health, I need to spend at least one day feeling like I may have a baby on the way. I know that may be unpopular in certain adoption circles, and I am well aware that this baby isn't mind until A signs the papers. But, the hope and possibility makes me so happy. Knowing that odds are I'll be a mommy a week from Tues. makes me nuts with joy. For tonight, I'm putting away the worry and the "what ifs" and I'm being excited...and tomorrow, I'm buying a tiny, frilly, pink outfit. If it doesn't work out, a pink outfit won't be what sends me over the edge:)

I know there must be more, but I'm sleepy. Thank you all for being my blog pals:) We'll chat tomorrow...Sleep well!

Oh my...

it's a match!!! :) I'm going to post more later tonight, but for now I need to figure out how the heck I'm going to get across the country in a week. :) Thank you for the support, and please say a special prayer for our expectant mom. She is as sweet as can be. More soon.

2 more minutes until 6

I'm on Eastern time:) I've had some inquiries:) I'm so freakin nervous, you guys!

TONIGHT!!!

Our conference call is set for 6:00 tonight. Send good thoughts, say prayers, cross your eyes, toes, fingers, whatever:)
We're the only couple she wants to talk with; so if all goes well, it seems like we'll be matched and the induction is set for Monday, April 2. You guys, I can hardly stand it. I didn't sleep last night. I'm so excited, but I also am so afraid to go through what we've just come through again. But, adoption is a scary thing. It's not for the faint of heart; it's for all of us tough girls who kick infertility butt! :)
Our consultant has been fantastic and gave us some great tips about talking tonight. I'm really excited, and I know that I'll cherish this time talking with her if the match goes through. She wants a totally closed adoption, which makes me a little sad. I hope that by talking to us, she'll decide to open up at least a little. I'd like to at least be able to send her pictures so she can see how beautiful her daughter will be. I'm getting ahead of myself...
I'm sooooo nervous......!!!!!!

***Edit: I love you girls so much. You are the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful women I could imagine. I will definitely post tonight as soon as I can. And yes, GL, the baby is a little girl :)***

I. AM. SCARED!!!

Could this day get any crazier? We just got a call from the agency and the expectant mom who is due April 2nd likes us!!!!!! She wants to have a conference call with us before she makes her final decision. Oh my goodness, what do I do??? I think it'll be tomorrow evening. I haven't ever done this before, and I don't think I've ever been so nervous. HELP!!! Any of you been through this? Have any words of advice?
I'm excited/nervous/anxious/giddy/hesitant/blah, blah, blah. I think I need a drink. :)

Pick me, pick me

We didn't get picked by the birthmom due in May. It's no surprise, really, because she wanted a biracial couple. We're being shown again on Mon. to the girl who is due in less than two weeks. I feel really nervous about it. I know I shouldn't feel insecure after not being chosen, but I do. I know that the birthmom wanted a biracial couple, but I'm sitting here wondering why we weren't chosen when I already know why. But, in my head it's because she didn't like us and that hurts my feelings. I'm all kinds of crazy today:)

And just so you all know, I made banana bread instead of cupcakes last night. It is SOOOO good. I like to kid myself by saying banana bread is healthier than a cupcake. Even as I was dumping the cup of sugar and cup of margarine into the batter, I felt pretty good about my health-conscious decision :)

Is it the weekend yet????

Antsy

No news yet. On the agency's website, one of the situations is taken down. Does that mean she's chosen already or does that mean they don't need any more profiles for her? Our contact there said she'd call us either way, so I'm not freaking out yet. Also, the woman due in April has had her due date moved up to April 2!!! That is less than two weeks away. I don't want to get too excited, but I want this so badly.
Keep me from going nuts! Is there good tv on tonight? Wednesday nights are kind of blah. Maybe I'll exercise...or bake cupcakes:)

**Update** I just reached a new low in adoption obsession. I called and left a voicemail with the agency saying I had forgotten to ask a question about the fees. I didn't forget. I asked. Probably more than once. But, I just couldn't stop myself from trying to get in touch with them just in case they had any news. As if they wouldn't call the second someone chose us....oh, I am a loser. Cupcakes it is. :)

HOPE!

We just got a call from one of the agencies we're working with. They have TWO situation they're showing us to in the next week. One may even be shown today. One woman is due mid April and one is the first of May...that's SOON! I have to remind myself that it may still take a week or even more for the expectant moms to make their decisions, but I'm suddenly filled with so much hope. This CAN happen out of nowhere...and from most of the blogs I read, it happens totally out of nowhere:) Not wanting to get too excited, but it's just a nice little boost on a rainy Monday.

Being Shown

We're definitely going to be shown to this little guy's mom. The agency is only asking for a tiny amount of money up front, which is great. From what I've read online and the responses I've gotten here, I think it's relatively common for a birthfather not to be named. Ohio has a putative father registry, but I'm hearing it's not often used. Our social worker emailed yesterday with this, "Many many of the cases have unknown fathers. It is a risk, but there are many other things that are much higher risks. I know every family wants a smooth and per say"clean" adoption,but that is not very common. Adoption is scary." That doesn't sound reassuring, but it really calmed me down. Adoption IS scary. We all know that. But, we've come through so much pain that I know we can handle whatever comes at us. If this doesn't work out, it'll hurt like the last one hurt. But, it's just one more step on my path to meeting my baby. I will never give up, and I won't let anything slow me down. Our social worker also said that maybe we should stop and take time to heal from our recent disruption, but that won't make me feel better. Remembering the excitement of preparing for a baby and focusing on the fact that our baby WILL be here someday (maybe in a few weeks!) is what heals me.
I'm going to be sappy again, like always, but I just love you girls! I can't tell you what this blog and what this community has meant to me throughout this journey.
Have a great weekend!!!

I need advice ASAP

Okay, so we got a call last night about a possible situation. I don't want to get too excited because I have to be rational and not lead with my heart like last time. The baby is a boy and is due in only three weeks, and the fees are only $14,000!!!! I remember, long before this adoption journey began, when I thought that was a ton of money and now it seems like pocket change :) Anyway, the pbmom has two children already at home and says there is no way she can raise another. The thing that is making me nervous is the birthfather situation. We don't have much info on him (I've got a call in to the social worker hoping to get some more), but what we do know is that the birthmom says she doesn't know his name. Some of you adoptive moms, have you been through this? What was your birthfather situation and what was the agency's advice to you? They told us it's labeled "high risk" because the birthfather hasn't consented, but then they said that most of their cases don't have a named birthdad and nothing ever comes of it. If he was a one night stand and she doesn't know his name, are we pretty much in the clear? The case is out of Ohio, and I know they have a putative father registry, so if he were to sign up on it, he'd have 30 days to do so after the baby's birth. I seriously couldn't handle it if after a month, I had to give a baby to someone else.
I'll post an update as soon as I hear from anyone, but in the mean time, any advice?? I'm floating between being so excited to being so scared.

***Update*** Our social worker just emailed me and said that the birthmom isn't required by Ohio law to name the birthfather. So, that could mean he knows and isn't supportive of the adoption OR it could mean that he was a one night stand. I'm so torn! We're calling our consultant this afternoon to get her input.

ALSO, the agency we just disrupted with emailed. I guess Amanda's "boyfriend" called the agency yesterday looking for her. He demanded to know if she placed with them. She must've left the state or something. Maybe she was afraid of him or maybe he didn't support her decision and she placed somewhere else. Who knows? But, you know how hindsight is 20/20? Well, I am SO thankful and consider it such a blessing now that we aren't in the middle of that. Imagine if she had placed with us and then this guy came back for the baby. I couldn't have handled that. Is that what I may be getting into now? I don't know what to DO!!!!

Feeling better

No news, really, so I haven't known what to say as an update. Our agency has been calling all local hospitals to see if A has delivered yet, and she hasn't checked in at any of them, which gives me a small bit of hope (don't you hate that?!). But, who is to say that she's not in California or something...it's just impossible to predict what will happen.

I am feeling better because of all the situations I've come across lately. The social worker who did our home study called yesterday with TWO possibilities and the sites I used to check for situations are also listing many new ones. I am not giving up on our current situation completely, but I feel like it has to come down to self-preservation at some point. I need to know that there are other situations out there. I need to know that we could match again quickly. I know a psychiatrist would have a field day with me because I'm not dealing with this loss, but I'm afraid if I stop, even for a second, then I may not ever get back up again. That's how I was the infertility diagnosis, too. It's like I couldn't even deal with the possible disappointment that any treatment could bring. I jumped with my whole heart into adoption because I truly believe it is how I am supposed to build my family, but at the same time, I still haven't grieved the loss of a biological child. Is that because it's really not a big deal to me or because I can't face it? I don't know. All I know is that I can't let this possible disruption get me down even for a second. I want a baby NOW, and I can't take time out to grieve because that's just wasted time in pursuing our child.

Will I probably die from an ulcer or a stress related heart attack? Yep. :) But, at least I feel better today:)