My favorite thing about blogging

This is going to be one of "those" super sentimental and touchy feely posts, but I can't help it. Do you know what my absolute favorite thing about being part of this blog community is? It's not being able to vent, although that's fantastic and it's not even having the incredible support of fellow infertiles. I feel like it is the absolute biggest honor to be able to watch families being created. We all have a hard road to get there and no matter how our families come to be, it's so amazing to get to journey through it together and then see these beautiful children added to our group whether through adoption or treatments. (or all of you who got pregnant because you FINALLY relaxed. I'm rolling my eyes with sarcasm, just so you know) It may sound crazy, but I have such a special place in my heart for all the babies of all my Internet pals. And I consider it quite a privilege to get to read about their milestones and the funny things they do and getting to see them grow up right in front of my eyes - it's really fantastic, and I wouldn't trade it.

I have the urge to just list every one of our miracle babies right here, but I know my husband would kill me because he is making dinner tonight (NO JOKE!), and honestly, that's just not something I'm willing to be late for:) So, please give your babies an extra love from me and know I'll be doing the same from you to my silly Lily, and thank you so much for letting me witness the creation of your family or the journey you're still taking to get to your baby. It's truly incredible.

The Fertility Journal

The latest book I'm reviewing for Mother Talk is one I think every single person who reads my blog could have or would still benefit from. "The Fertility Journal," by Kim Hahn (founder and CEO of Conceive Magazine...so she knows her stuff and won't tell you take a vacation or drink wine to get pregnant:) is one of the best resources I've ever seen for learning more about your fertility, charting temps, ovulation, keeping track of taking that pesky prenatal vitamin and SO much more. PLUS...it's the prettiest book I've ever seen:)

Along with keeping track of all the basics, there are sections for really delving into having a healthy pregnancy, keeping your marriage fresh and on track (I'm reading that NOW!:), and then examining emotions if/when getting pregnant becomes an issue. This journal is the epitome of organization, so you know I love it. :) Every month has it's own "issue" to examine - some aren't even directly related to pregnancy but may examine your battle with your weight and self-imagine. Really, this is just a fantastic book for anyone thinking of conceiving. As the months go on, too, the focus becomes more on taking good care of yourself and examining every option related to fertility treatments. The back section, "When you need a little help," lists every possible diagnosis, how it can be treated, and what options you have. There is also a section of definitions for all the acronyms we have come to know and despise, but that were super confusing at first. (hCG is Human Chorionic Gonadotropic - a hormone produced by the placenta that is measured in pregnancy tests, HSG is a hysterosalpingogram - a procedure used to determine whether the fallopian tubes are open, etc....really, I could've used this two years ago when I was swimming in confusion and overwhelmed by terminology. IT.IS.AWESOME! I highly, highly recommend it to anyone trying to get pregnant. Now that I'm beyond that stage (aren't I?) I'm going to pass this on to a woman I know who is trying to get pregnant. It's that good!

While I'm on the subject, if you haven't ever visited "Conceive" online, I highly recommend the site. Again, where in the world couldn't I have found this two years ago?? :)

Is everyone infertile or is it just me?

:) Since getting our diagnosis, starting and ending treatments, and adopting Lily, infertile people seem to have come out of the woodwork. Seriously, I can't go anywhere it seems without reading about, talking to, or hearing about someone who is struggling with infertility. Whether it be someone at church or reading about J-Lo in the checkout lines - Is this a growing phenomenon or am I just more sensitive to it now? I'm really do wonder. With all the hormones in our meat and pesticides on our fruits and veggies, are we creating a new generation of people who have trouble getting pregnant?

Now, I am well-aware there are still those obnoxious people who get knocked up just thinking about a baby, but it really does seem to me like it's more and more common. At the wedding this weekend, I was pulled aside by the wife of a friend and she asked me about our situation because she's having trouble getting pregnant. She was trying to be light and make jokes about all the "tricks" to getting pregnant, but the pain was so fresh in her. It really twisted my heart. I wanted so badly to be able to assure her that it would all work out, but that's the thing with infertility - it's impossible to tell someone that. Of course, hearts change and families are grown through IVF and adoption, etc. but until someone is really ready for those steps, it's impossible to tell them going about it the old fashioned way is a sure fire bet. Anyway, she's just really been on my mind for the past few days. I know I've said it before, but isn't it a laugh (or cry depending on the day) to think about all the money WASTED on birth control? I could be in Mexico right now if I'd saved it! :)

Goin' to the Chapel

NO, not me! :) We are getting ready to travel to one of my husband's best friend's wedding. Miss Lily is staying home with her grandma. It's not the first weekend we've been away from her, but it's the first in quite some time, and I am SO READY! :) It's funny how things like taking a long bath, painting your toe nails, and sleeping until you wake up rather than being woken up by a 9 month old alarm clock seem like a luxury!

I have one tiny issue that's eating at me, so I'm going to write about it here and hopefully expel it from my thoughts. My sister-in-law is trying to get pregnant. It's awful, but hearing that made the green monster rear it's ugly head. Then, she told me how it's already been two months, and so she went out and bought a month's supply of ovulation predictors. And should they be more careful about when they're "together" and should she do things like prop her hips up. I wanted to SCREAM. I hate all of that stuff; I hate it. Heaven help me, it was all I could do to maintain. TWO MONTHS!! Come on! But, I was so proud - I told her how I know it becomes all consuming and that each month feels like an eternity. I denied the part of me that really wanted to grab all those OPKs and stomp on them. Or grab her prescription pre-natal vitamins and flush them all down the toilet.

Happy Friday, blog pals! Hope you have a great weekend. And if you want to flush some pre-natals or stomp on some ovulation predictors, I'm with ya. :)

Today, I'm just a mom

What an incredible weekend/end of the week last week. I watched our community through blogs and through sites like thenest.com blow up in response to the Tyra show. People sent emails, letters, posted on other sites - it was amazing to see. I'm always, always floored by our ability to unite. It's so rare to find a group of women willing to go to bat for each other without question. We're all joined by this horrible thing, but through it, I've found so many great friends and have been so inspired by each one of you.

In the beginning of our struggle with infertility, our issues really came to define me. I wasn't a wife or a teacher or a daughter or sister, I was a woman battling infertility. Then, I became a prospective adoptive parent. I was searching for an agency, trying to choose ethically, wading through the paperwork and asking questions of myself and of my marriage as to what we could take on as far as health concerns, birth mother drug use, etc. It became all consuming. After Lily, I became an adoptive parent. I read everything I could get my hands on about transracial adoption, parenting adopted children - I worried, I'll be honest with you, about bonding with her at first. I thought all the time about her birth family (and still do), and there was a great deal of guilt that I felt while parenting her. I hoped I'd make the right decisions, and I worried ceaselessly over every minute detail. Don't get me wrong, I was over the moon for her immediately, but so many feelings came along with it.

I have days now where it never even crosses my mind that Lily was adopted. It, in fact, startles me sometimes because I feel like she did come from me. She was a labor of love - though not in the traditional sense. Most days now, I'm just a mom. I'm Lily's mom. I'm not defined by my infertility, even though it's something that will shape how our family is created. I'm not defined by my status as an adoptive parent, though it is something of which I am intensely proud. I'm finding that I have lost the timidity and nervousness with which I parented early on. Maybe all new moms go through this - maybe it has nothing at all to do with adoption. All I know is that I feel finally secure and confident in being Lily's mom. And I love that.

Of course, ask me tomorrow and it could be a whole new ball game. That's how this parenting thing works, isn't? The second you're confident, they throw something new at ya! :)

Bravery

This community never fails to bring tears to my eyes and joy and strength to my spirit. Along with many others, I was recently nominated for Jenna's Flame of Fortitude. I want to quote her post here:

"You are receiving this honor because you have embodied perseverance in the face of difficulty and shared the journey of your experiences with others proving that a single voice can both be a light of support and a source or humor for those in the midst of their struggle. You are acknowledged here today for allowing others to share in your personal story and providing camaraderie through the power of your words. Each of you has faced a struggle that seems insurmountable to others and you have persevered. For some of you this resiliency was always a part of your character and for others, it was your struggle with infertility that awakened it from deep within you. Regardless of passion, stubbornness, a calling to a greater purpose or a refusal to admit defeat, you are an eternal flame of commitment. You are a veteran of your circumstances and you deserve recognition for your journey."

I want to send this honor straight back to her. She has been through such a year. So have so many of us. I want to pass these words and this honor on to anyone who reads my blog who has been in the trenches this year or last year or EVER. It's something unique to this community - so many women who, rather than tear each other down as is often the case with females, unfortunately, continuously build each other up and offer support, encouragement, a shoulder to cry on and eventually, laughter and a heart full of joy at the birth, adoption, fostering, etc. of a beautiful child. It's an awesome honor to be a part of it.

Woman suing RE for twins from IVF

Have you SEEN this? I love more than anything to watch Morning Joe on MSNBC when I wake up. This morning, I read this on the ticker:

CANBERRA, Australia - An Australian woman who gave birth to twins instead of a single baby after receiving in-vitro fertilization has sued her doctor for the cost of bringing up the second child.
The woman, who cannot be identified because of a court order, is seeking more than 400,000 Australian dollars (US $332,000) to cover the expense of raising one child until age 21.
Testifying in the Supreme Court of the Australian Capital Territory on Tuesday, the 40-year-old mother said she told her doctor, Robert Armellin, that she only wanted one child. But an embryologist under the doctor's supervision implanted two embryos in her uterus, resulting in the birth of non-identical twin girls.
The woman told the court that she and her partner were devastated when they learned she was carrying twins, and had even considered putting one of the babies up for adoption.
She said that while she enjoyed some aspects of her pregnancy, such as decorating the girls' nursery, other parts were distressing, including purchasing a stroller, or pram.
"It was like the last frontier of acceptance to spend hundreds of dollars on a pram," she said.
The couple, whose combined income exceeds A$100,000 (US $82,875), are seeking A$398,000 (US $329,000) to cover the costs of raising one of the girls, including private school fees. They also want around A$15,000 (US $12,427) to compensate them for time off work and medical expenses.


Okay, I can understand being upset if you said specifically to implant just one, but as someone who once prayed and hoped so hard for a baby, I can't IMAGINE suing the doctor because I had twins. And going in for IVF and then wanting to place one for adoption? Why does this make me SO furious? I don't know, but it does. Seriously, I'm so angry about it. It seems so ridiculous to me. I'll adopt your "extra" baby, lady.

But wait, aren't we still going to try?

Oh, how I wish I had a laptop in the car that I could somehow blog on! I was going crazy last night driving home from my mom's house because I had this great post working in my head. I know it won't come out as well the morning after:)

We were visiting family this weekend and my husband and I had the longest talk about infertility, adoption, and continuing to "try" for a bio baby. I started out talking to him about the post I had previously written detailing the whole aren't you still trying thing. I felt bad when I read Mayhem's comment (NOT because of the comment -I love Mayhem, her blog, and her comments!, but because of what it made me realize.) I have tended to post only the negative comments we've gotten because I let them bother me way too much. At the heart, people aren't trying to be mean - they just can't possibly understand the "stuff" behind what they're saying. I need to try to focus on all the unbelievable support we've had. My mom is my rock. She quite possibly loves Lily as much as I do. My sister, brother, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law - they are all so nuts for our girl. I need to remember how little it matters what some near-stranger thinks or knows about our family. I need to turn my focus toward the fact that six months ago, I had no idea that this beautiful little person was on her way to us. And when (because it will happen) people make stupid comments, I need to respond with all the love that I have in my heart for my daughter.

BUT, that's not really what this post is about:) I started talking to my husband yesterday about the post and about how bad I felt for not posting more positive things sometimes, and he comes out of NOWHERE and says, "Well, aren't we still going to try?" Um....knock me over with a feather. How can it be (and I know you've all been there!) that I spend about 90% of my time with this man but sometimes I have no idea what's going on in that head. We talked and talked...and talked some more about the issue. Here is another thing that is truly behind my complete lack of interest in pregnancy. I would do anything in the world to protect Lily from feeling like she's second best. If she ever felt like she was just part of the "meantime" while we were waiting for a bio child, it would break my heart. Because nothing in the world is farther from the truth. I know lots of families have a combo of adopted and bio kids- my good blog pal Jess is currently mommy to beautiful Ava and has a little one on the way- do you ever worry about that? Is it okay to ask that personal of a question or am I being one of "those" people? :) Maybe it's a great way to teach kids about love and what family truly is - not genetics, but people who love, support, and care about each other. I need to do some more thinking about it. :) I'm excited to read comments about this - I want to know how others feel/deal with it.

And way down deep at the bottom of my psyche - I do not want to open my heart to the pregnancy door again. I don't want to venture into any more pain. I truly have dealt with the grief of accepting I probably won't be pregnant and give birth. I don't want to go down the path of RE visits and shots and drugs and sperm washes and the intense pain of negative pregnancy tests with still only a REMOTE chance of ever conceiving. I can't do it - not when I know in my heart that adoption is the way we are supposed to build our family. My husband totally understood and agreed, and I feel so blessed to be married to this man who loves me and our daughter so completely.

Adoption isn't for everyone, and I feel like it IS the way for us to build our family. And this is not at all intended to knock anyone who disagrees or anyone who has a blended (adopted and bio) family. I think any way a family is built is beautiful! And it's not just so I can be spared the pain of infertility because heaven knows adoption is not pain-free. :) But, adopting Lily has been the best experience of my life. I can't imagine not doing it again. It was one of those experiences you can't fully appreciate until you look back because you're not capable of processing so many intense emotions all at once.

This post is ALL over the place, but I have to end with a few pics from the weekend. My gorgeous nephew is still trying to decide how he feels about Lily. He is so gentle with her, but he doesn't like it much that she gets a bottle and he no longer gets one. He's also not a fan of Lily on his mama's lap! :) But, he pats her so gently on the head and when he comes around a corner and sees her, he gives a little squeal and giggle. According to his mom, he doesn't pay that kind of attention to any of the other babies at church. And she just lights up when she sees him. It's amazing and it totally warms my heart. THAT is what family is! :) Isaiah, if you recall, isn't biologically related to us, either. He and Lily share no blood, but they already "know" and "love" each other (in their own special baby ways!) Finding someone who will also put a tupperware bowl on their head with you - that's family. :)

Mean-ness **updates**

To the anonymous poster who is praying I'll get rid of my bitterness, what a horrible thing to say. I don't believe I'm bitter. I know how lucky and blessed I am. I love my girl more than you could imagine, but I still am dealing with issues related to adoption and infertility. That's normal. Please don't post mean comments on my blog; it's totally unnecessary.

**This has been eating at me all day long. Thank you for the support I've gotten from some, and I really am hurt by the reaction of others. The fact that I feel I'm being critized for posting only negative things ever since bringing Lily home breaks my heart. I wish you could understand how much I love this baby. Just because I have her now doesn't mean that I don't know what it's like to hurt. Comments along the lines of not understanding why I have any negative thoughts now that I have a child are ridiculous. I feel very strongly about still wanting to connect with women who I've become friends with who are still dealing with infertility. I feel like I'd be insensitive and mean if I posted every day about how wonderful my life is (which it is) and how happy I am to finally be through with waiting for a child when so many of the people who read and interact with me through the blog are still in that horrible wait time. This blog, as I have said many times before, is for me to express my feelings. I want to be able to discuss issues regarding adoption, hence my post about dealing with post placement and my post about how we were treated at the hospital.

Let me say this to those who feel confused that I only post negative things. I adore my daughter. I thank God for her about a million times during the day. Sometimes at night when I come down to feed her, it brings tears to my eyes that she quiets her crying because she knows it's me and she knows I'm going to take care of her. I am in awe of everything she does, and it bothers me that there are people out there in the internet world who read this blog and want to criticize me. It hurts my feelings, and I know my skin is thin, but give me a break. Don't tell me how lucky I am and that I should count my blessings (I erased that comment) because I know that. Being a parent is amazing, but it doesn't mean your life is perfect. As I said, I want this to be a place where I can communicate with other people going through similar things. It kills me to think that I may be projecting the idea that I'm not happy and that I'm bitter. Those of you who know me better know that is the farthest thing from the truth.

I don't have anything else to say right now, but this is still not sitting well with me. It's really easy on the internet to criticize and critique people you aren't face to face with. I hate internet drama, and I don't want to add to it by making this into something bigger than it should be, but on the other hand, I don't want to not be able to express myself on my own blog.

Kindness

I've talked (or gushed) before about how much I love the community of adoptive parents and infertiles that I've come to know online and through this blog. There are so many things that my real world friends just can't understand about what we've been through in the last couple of years. So many women have posted so many comments of support, have emailed me when I feel like I can't go through this anymore, and I feel like many of you are right there laughing, crying, pulling your hair out, or whatever :) with me as I try to navigate my way to mommy-hood.

I had a completely moving and overwhelming email from my blog pal Laurie yesterday. She used to blog, but due to ridiculous comments and criticism from people saying how wrong adoption is and how horrible we all are for stealing babies, she took her blog down. I won't even go into how vile I think people are for posting such mean and disgusting things on other people's blogs. Anyway, she now has a totally gorgeous little girl. She emailed me and said that while she was picking her daughter up, she mentioned me to the agency. She wanted to make sure they'd seen my profile, that they knew how much we want to be parents and that they were aware of our story and what we've been through. I read her email about ten times with tears in my eyes each time. That someone would think of us and our struggle while she is in probably the happiest, busiest, most overwhelming time of her life is amazing to me. It's true friendship. It's the epitome of the bond that ties all of us together. She GETS what I'm going through, where I've come from, and what I want and we've only ever talked through our blogs.

This is just one example in a long list of examples of kindness I've experienced through you guys. When I have a question about an adoption law, I get an email from Barely Sane walking me through Ohio's laws and her experience. I am unsure about the path I've taken in not signing with a traditional agency, and I get an email from GLouise saying that she's doing the same thing and we'll go through it together. I get so much strength from the blogs of women pursuing adoption or parenting adopted babies or struggling with infertility. To all of the women whose blogs I read every day (you know who you are because I'm a habitual commenter) and who I feel like I experience the ups and downs with; you are all amazing and I thank you for your support, encouragement, kindness and for baring your souls with every blog entry.

Am I totally pmsing or what? I'm so emotional and just so moved by the kindness that has poured out from all of you. Thank you. Where's my chocolate? :)

4 weeks

I've been doing much better lately. We've got some more possible leads, and I scour the internet about fifty times a day for possible situations. But, last night, in my inbox was a "Your Baby at 4 Weeks" email from Baby Center. I had put in our match's due date so I could follow Amanda's pregnancy. Because I'll probably never carry a child, it made me feel closer to the situation to be able to follow the baby's development. Stupid me, I forgot to adjust the due date or remove that feature all together and got an email for that baby's 4th week of life. I still think of that baby and of Amanda. I hope she's doing well. I hope she's away from the man who threatened her and her baby. I pray that she's staying away from drugs and has found a place to live. Please, please do not scold me about birthmom's rights or about the baby being where he should be. I know that's not necessary to say for the most part, but I'm really tender today and couldn't take being scolded for not being PC enough about adoption.

When we started our homestudy, I read online that adoption was one of the hardest things most families go through. I thought they meant the paperwork! :) I really did.

Some happy news: My little brother is getting married Saturday. We have a really unique family situation, but one that I cherish so much. My brother's fiance was three months pregnant when they met (with the gorgeous baby you see pics of on here regularly). She had fallen into a situation that she now regrets, and the birth father wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. They met at church, and to me, that is the ultimate story of redemption and what Christianity should be about. She was pregnant, but the church didn't shun or lecture her. My brother didn't shun her. He fell in love with her and will become a husband and a daddy on Saturday. I find so much hope and so much faith in having her and the baby in our lives. He is "adopted" into our family. He isn't genetically related to any of us. But, my brother would give his life for that baby. I haven't once thought of him as my "adopted nephew." He is mine. He is ours. 100%. I can't wait for them to legally become what they already are in our hearts.
AND...the baby is wearing a tux. It's pin striped and has a vest, just like his soon-to-be Daddy's. Don't worry, there will be many pics posted! :)

Crying during laundry

I took the tags off of some of the more gender neutral baby clothes we have last night, and I washed them. I cried off and on the entire time. Definitely not the reaction I thought I would have. This is going to be incredibly un-politically correct of me, but I am terrified our potential birthmom will change her mind. On all the adoption boards, they'd jump all over me for saying that and tell me it's her baby until the revocation period is up and that it's never a failure when a woman chooses to parent her child. I know all that. It's another thing entirely to have gone through the incredible pain of infertility and to FINALLY have hope that a baby is on its way.
I know how important it is that birth families have rights and are treated with respect and love. At the same time, this isn't the first time most of us have been faced with the possible loss of all hope. There has to be a balance between compassion for the potential birth family and for the adoptive family.

I'm not sure where this is coming from; I suppose because the due date is approaching, and I'm starting to do concrete things to get ready. Nothing has happened to indicate that A will change her mind, so all this worry is truly unfounded, but I can't seem to stop myself from it. How do you continue to protect your heart?

How do teenagers get pregnant and have children so easily? :)