New Blog

I'm not going to go through and delete all the old posts here yet. For some reason it just makes me so sad. I'm ridiculous when it comes to emotions and sentimentality. It's really bad. Anyway, from now on, I'll be posting at:
http://theygrowinyourheart.wordpress.com/
Some posts will be password protected. I'm going to only PWP posts with pictures and other really personal info in them, but always feel free to contact me at:
theygrowinyourheart@hotmail.com for the password. I'll only ask that you submit a background check and DNA sample. :) Please say you know I'm kidding.

This blog means so much to me, and I really hope you'll take a second and update my new address in your blogroll (if I'm in it) and come visit me at Wordpress!! :)

Blogs, Blogs, and more Blogs

I finished my professional blog, and I know some of you asked if I'd let you know when I did. If you're at all interested in checking it out, just email me at theygrowinyourheart@hotmail.com and I'll send you the link. ALSO, I've been hard at work in building a new blog in WordPress. You can import all posts and pictures AND comments, so that's the way I decided to go. I'm just going to go through and PWP all the picture posts. Of course I'm happy to share the password with all my bloggy pals. I'm going to just take a few more days to try and get my blogroll over there (anyone know if you can import that, too, or do you have to type them all in one by one?) and then I'll post that link here and clear the old posts. That makes me really sad for some reason, but I know it's the right thing to do. As Lily gets older, I want her to have privacy and not be search-able, but I want to still be able to share with this community, so WordPress seems like the answer.

In other random news, Lily is now on medicine for her acid reflux. It was controllable when she was a baby by adding rice cereal to her bottle, but she's a throwing up machine now that she's on whole milk. It's AWFUL! The medicine seems to be working some, but not completely. Any tips on dealing with it? Any of you have AR babies? Such a pleasant, pleasant experience. :)

Sprinkler

We were up visiting my family again this weekend to celebrate my nephew's 2nd birthday. I can't believe he's TWO already! He and Lily had a ball together, and my lovely sister in

law was wonderful and brave enough to carry Lily through the sprinkler. She IS walking now....when she so chooses:) But, she doesn't like the feel of grass on her feet. What can I say; she's a total princess. :) It was such a fun weekend, and these pictures are my new favorites. This is what utter joy looks like. Or being totally freezing. Or both. :)

Adoption News and Blog Changes

I am the worst for just leaving everything hanging yesterday, I know it. But, I had yet to sign a contract and didn't want to jump the gun before blabbing away. Contract is signed, and I am so excited to write about this. I am going to begin by saying that this is the ONE time I will blog about this because this is my personal space to vent and express my feelings about life, parenting, IF, adoption, etc. I don't want this blog to ever be seen as a solicitation for business. This is not a professional business blog; it's just mine in all it's glory or lack thereof:)

Having given that disclaimer, I am beginning work immediately with Christian Adoption Consultants as an adoption consultant for couples wanting to adopt domestically. They are the company we used to help us adopt Lily. Basically, they walk you through the adoption process step by step (finding multiple ethical agencies who do not ask for a great deal of money up front, getting your profile created, holding your hand through birth family calls and the scary waiting periods, etc.)and help you do it as quickly, as economically, and as ethically as possible. You all know we adopted Lily in six months start to finish - including our homestudy and a failed match. It was ridiculously quick (though I'll say it didn't feel like it at the time.) And you know I've been kind of looking for some part time work, so when I started talking to the owner and we started talking about the possibility of me doing consulting for them and with couples who sign up with them, it immediately felt right.
It's like my great blog pal, Jess, said to me in an email earlier: adoption just sort of winds itself into your heart. It's so much more to me than just the way we created our family. To be able to work to help other people find the babies they have longed for for so long and to be able to show couples that there is a MUCH better way than to just sit for years on a waiting list is a dream come true. I feel so lucky to get to be able to do this from HOME so that I can still be with my crazy girl during the day is incredible. And like I said, I do NOT in any way want this blog to become a blog about my consulting. But, I can't say enough about our experience adopting Lily. I can't say enough about how kind our agency was to us and how ethically they treated Autumn, so this is my ONE and only post about this, but if you want more information please feel free at any time to leave your email in the comment section here. I will delete the comment to protect your privacy.

So, there's that. In THIS blog's news, I'm pretty sure I'm going to go PWP in the very, very near future. I may even move to WordPress just so I can choose which posts are protected and which aren't. Again, I really want to be able to keep this blog for me, so I am thinking due to my google searches lately and now with me working in the adoption field, I may need a bit more privacy here. Promise you'll come along if I move:)

Funny Girl

Why WOULDN'T you wear your pants on your head is the better question. :) This child makes me laugh so often.

Remember awhile back when I posted about wanting a part time job? Well, I have something adoption-related sort of in the works. I am beyond thrilled about it, and I want to just write and write about it, but I can't just yet. Aren't I so mean to leave you hanging like that? Tomorrow I will probably be able to openly discuss it...and actually I will probably only discuss it once on this blog because I want to keep this blog for my own personal use. I'll probably develop a professional blog also. But, this is a huge part of my life right now, so I want to be able to post about it, but then after I do post about it, I don't want it to seem like I'm soliciting business. So, enough about that for now. I will definitely post about it tomorrow once all my ducks are in a row.

Also, I did the stupidest thing ever today. I was printing some stuff of and had the arm of the printer tray down. I hit it with my face and you wouldn't think it would hurt and burn as badly as it does. I have little scratches on my eyelid and under it. And we're going to a wedding this weekend. Figures, doesn't it? The only real fancy night out I've had in hmmm....well, a dang long time and I have to have a scratched up face. I'm nothing but classy. :)

Increased Privacy?

I just googled myself with Lily's name and my blog was the first option. I thought I was being so sneaky by not using my "real" name, but it's there. I changed the email address associated with the blog thinking that might help, but nope. Is there anything I can do to get more privacy other than going password protected? I really don't want to do that, but I don't like the idea of my dentist or someone I went to high school with or someone I go to church with stumbling upon this blog. I like to feel free to express how I feel without feeling like people in my "real" life are peeking in.
Do I have to just get over it or PW protect? Sometimes the Internet is icky. :)

My favorite thing about blogging

This is going to be one of "those" super sentimental and touchy feely posts, but I can't help it. Do you know what my absolute favorite thing about being part of this blog community is? It's not being able to vent, although that's fantastic and it's not even having the incredible support of fellow infertiles. I feel like it is the absolute biggest honor to be able to watch families being created. We all have a hard road to get there and no matter how our families come to be, it's so amazing to get to journey through it together and then see these beautiful children added to our group whether through adoption or treatments. (or all of you who got pregnant because you FINALLY relaxed. I'm rolling my eyes with sarcasm, just so you know) It may sound crazy, but I have such a special place in my heart for all the babies of all my Internet pals. And I consider it quite a privilege to get to read about their milestones and the funny things they do and getting to see them grow up right in front of my eyes - it's really fantastic, and I wouldn't trade it.

I have the urge to just list every one of our miracle babies right here, but I know my husband would kill me because he is making dinner tonight (NO JOKE!), and honestly, that's just not something I'm willing to be late for:) So, please give your babies an extra love from me and know I'll be doing the same from you to my silly Lily, and thank you so much for letting me witness the creation of your family or the journey you're still taking to get to your baby. It's truly incredible.

Part-Time Jobs and Technorati ??s

My husband works as an adjunct professor, which means he makes all of his money in the fall and spring.  So here we are in early summer, and I'm thinking, "What happened to all of our income?"  :)  It's not that extreme, really, but with both of us home so much,  I'm really kind of wanting to pursue some sort of part time work.  In a perfect world, it would be something I could do from home (hello get rich quick schemes:) and that would use my degree/talents, which is a Masters in English.  I'm at a total loss, though.  Do any of you work from home or have outside part time jobs? Do you enjoy getting out and making some money or do you feel pulled from home?  I love being an at home parent, but with Lily getting older and with my husband home so much, I feel like I have some time to do something extra.  Any input is much appreciated. 

ALSO, does anyone use technorati?  Someone told me to list the blog on it, but I dont' "get" it at all. :)  I'm so bad!  Is it to drive more traffic to the blog?  Again, help a girl out. :)

What a wierdo post! :)

Honesty **with updates

I had a kind of heart stopping moment today. I was playing with Lily (we just bought her her very first baby doll and she is so in love with it! She hugs it and says, "Bah-beee" (baby) - it's really the cutest thing ever), and it hit me that she has no clue that I didn't give birth to her. I mean, obviously, she doesn't get any of that yet, but for some reason it nearly stopped my heart because she doesn't know yet. It almost brought tears to my eyes because I had a moment of sheer understanding of why people don't tell children they're adopted. Please, PLEASE don't get me wrong - we are so proud to be a family through adoption and there is absolutely no chance of that happening here nor do I want it to, but I felt in that split second grief that she didn't come from me. Does that make any sense? Obviously, if I had given birth to her, she wouldn't be who she is - and obviously, I wouldn't change even one thing, but I can't describe any better the feeling of sadness that came over me. And it really was just for that second - I rarely even think of her being adopted - it's just the way our family was made. She is my daughter and that's the end of it, but I wish I could put into words what I felt. Maybe I'm not alone here and someone can say it better than I could.

When I'm really 100% honest with myself and here on this blog, as comfortable as I am with adoption and how proud I am to be a mommy through adoption, I have moments of panic. I feel very vulnerable even writing that here, but it's true. I have moments of worry that I won't tell her about her adoption the right way. How do you begin introducing it? We have "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born," and she has a lifebook...are those the places to start? And my greatest fear is that she will resent it. I know that's silly and not worth even giving ideas like that my time, but I can't help it. I know the statistics; I know there are some adoptees who struggle with being adopted. I have moments where I wish it was just easy. I wish I was just her mom and that I didn't have to worry about telling her she was placed because you know no matter how well you tell it, there will be some grief on her part. And I'm ready for that and okay with it, but it's still hard. And I am terrified - absolutely terrified that she won't see me as her mom. I hate even typing that, but when I'm 100% honest, it's a real fear of mine. I know I need to get over it, but I love her so much that I can't even imagne something like that. I think, though, that all moms - no matter how they became moms - feel that way.

Man, this is a rough post, and I really hope it came out the right way, but like I said, I have needed to vent and a safe place to express some difficult feelings, so here they are. Lucky you guys, right? :) I promise I'll ease the pain of this one with a picture post or something equally cute tomorrow:) I'm really nervous to hit publish because I feel like some of things I've said here may not come out right. Give me the benefit of the doubt and be kind, okay? :)

***I've found it! Gretchen put it perfectly in the first comment. It's overwhelming to think about the potential for grief and pain in our children. But you know what? That's true for ANY parent and ANY child. Thanks for helping me find the words, Gretchen! :)

Can't.Take.The.Heat.

Imagine me dragging my hot (temp wise!), tired body across the floor while I say that:)  It is miserably hot here!! And guess whose AC wasn't in commission for about three hours this afternoon?  Yep, mine.  I know this is going to sound very, very spoiled, but I don't know how people made it through the summers without air conditioning.  Luckily, everything got fixed very quickly, but the house still hasn't cooled back off...probably because it was in the 90s here today.  I actually got in the tub with Lily tonight just to cool off.  She thought it was pretty funny. :)

In other Lily news, she is working on her NINTH tooth!!! She has all four up top and about 3 1/4 up on the bottom and now her fifth one is coming in on top.  It's non-stop teething around here.  We also had our first major diaper blow out yesterday.  I know you all wanted to know that:)  I consider us very, very lucky to have made it this far, but it was HORRIBLE!! Stupid me, she had been constipated so I gave her straight up apple juice....not good.  Not good at all.  She is the girliest little thing, too, she gets upset by poop:)  Too much info and she'll kill me someday when she reads this, but I can't help myself; it really is the funniest thing.  Anytime she goes, she comes straight over to me and says "hi...Hi...HI!!"  progressively louder.  Seriously, she needs changed immediately. :)  My nephew could play all day long in a dirty diaper and never care.  My girly girl knows the deal!!   Still no walking...she'll stand up by herself as long as you want her to, but when I try to get her to step, she shakes her head and says very matter-of-factly "no, no." Not sassy or anything, just letting me know how she feels about it :)  

Hope everybody's staying cool.  My husband's watching the NBA playoffs, so I'm off to waste some time playing word games on facebook.  It's too, too addictive. :)

Scary Days

We have had quite a time here lately. We spent a great deal of time outside over the weekend, so on Sunday when we noticed two little bumps on Lily's legs, we assumed she got a few mosquito bites. When we got up on Monday morning, though, you can't believe what her little legs looked like. The bites were both swollen to the size of quarters at least, and on little bitty legs, that's pretty big. One had streaks of red branching out from it and the other was yellow in the center surrounded by red. Both of them were hot to the touch and she'd pull away if we tried to touch them. I. FREAKED. OUT. We immediately called our pediatrician, who was out due to the holiday, of course. But we left a message on the emergency line and he called back right away. And sent us to the immediate care center. I called my mom crying; I was just so worried about her. And at times like this, I hate so much that we don't live near my mom!

We scooted on over to the immediate care center and waited. And waited. It lifted my spirits a bit that Lily flirted with the entire waiting room. She won't let a few bites get her down. No way:) She was smiling and chatting people up. What a ham! We finally saw the doctor and he examined her and told us they were spider bites. He said on kids her size, the poison can sometimes really get to them even if it's a spider that wouldn't really impact us. The red lines branching out from the bites was the poison filtering into her veins. I wanted to cry. I felt SO guilty. Even though we have our house sprayed very regularly, and I imagine she got them crawling around in the grass or sitting on the blanket outside over the weekend - and what am I going to do? Never let her outside? Nope. But I still felt bad; I hated seeing those things on my baby's legs! So this week has been full of leg checks, prednisone and antibiotic treatments, and a very, very thankful mom:) This may sound corny, but it hit me once again how lucky we are to be able to just take her into the doctor when she needs it. We're not wealthy by American standards, but that luxury alone makes us wealthy by the world's.

Miss Lil is doing much better now. I didn't take pictures when the bites were at their worst, and I'm glad because I don't want to remember it. But, you can kind of see them still lingering in these pictures. AND on a very happy note, look at that girl:) She's starting to walk behind her little lion. Don't be silly and think she's trying to walk on her own, though. She knows better; she knows mommy will carry her:) These are some of my favorite new pictures. She is starting to thin out so much from moving around, but the tummy is still in full force here. :)

Here's to a QUIET and relaxed weekend:) My sister is coming down Saturday for a little visit, and I made the mistake of telling Lily that yesterday. She loves her "Mal Mal" (my sister's name is Mallory), and she crawled around all day yesterday saying "Mal Mal.....Mal Mal" like she's looking for her. Mental note: don't tell the kid anything too far in advance. :)

Hope everyone's weekend is spider free. :)

You know I watched

Oh, how I was like a giggling school girl today while watching the New Kids on the Today Show. But then, I saw all the 30 something moms there with signs like "I left my two kids at home to come to NYC to see the NKOTB" and "30 year old moms from CA are NKOTBs biggest fans" and I felt okay about watching from home. Less freakish if you will :)

My husband nearly had to leave the room. He said he was surprised one of them didn't break a hip while dancing. I won't bring up all the OLD bands he loves who still act like children. And Lily sat next to me rocking back and forth and clapping her hands to the music. That's my girl!! Who says genetics are important? :) I leave you with this just for giggles on a rainy (here anyway) Friday morning:

I need stock in Baby Motrin

Seriously. The teeth are coming in like wildfire. The top two on either side of the front teeth are pushing through and now the ones on the side of the bottom front are little red mounds in her mouth. Needless to say, it's been a tearful time at our house. She was up for nearly two hours in the middle of the night last night just crying and crying. Stupid mom - GET THE MOTRIN!!! :) So today we're keeping better tabs on that. And bedtime is coming early for both of us!

I don't want to say much about this because it's still a new movie and I don't want to ruin it for those of you who want to see it, but I saw "Baby Mama" on Sunday. I absolutely love Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, but I fought anger and a few tears during a few instances in the film. On the other hand, I laughed harder than I have in a long time at other parts. So, I have mixed feelings. I think the way I felt about certain parts of the movie must be how some birth moms felt about "Juno." It was hard for me to understand their feelings until I saw "Baby Mama." It's hilarious, again, but I can't get past the way some of the infertility stuff was handled. Enough said for now because I don't want to ruin it - email me if you want to chat about it!

Off to put the girl to bed. With motrin. And maybe a shot of whiskey. KIDDING!! Don't call the authorities. :)

Bliss

These are photos from our walk today. Lily loves to hold her Daddy's finger while we take our walks. Could life get any better than this? I don't think so. :)

The Big 2-9.

We had the best weekend. We had Lily's second birthday extravaganza with my family up north. The traveling wasn't so much fun, but being there and celebrating with everyone was great. And is if that wasn't enough birthday fun, today is my big day. (Tax day, I know. I've always hated that!) :) My birthday has taken on a totally new significance for me since Lily. Her due date was on my birthday. Autumn was induced early, but she was due with Lily on April 15th. It's silly, I know, but it was one of the first things when our agency was describing the situation to us that gave me the goosebumps. I felt connected to the situation immediately. It's amazing how things work out.

My husband has already given me my birthday present. I had to get up and get moving immediately this morning so I could blog about it:) I struggle sometimes even still with missing teaching. It was so much more than a job for me - it really made up so much of who I was. I miss my students and I really miss a very good friend who taught with me. He knows this and gave me the most thoughtful, symbolic, and well-planned out gift. He bought me a copy of "The Elements of Style," which is a classic, often-used grammar guide. It's a special edition featuring different paintings dedicated to the grammar rules. I taught English, so it's kind of fun (and nerdy, I know), for me to page through it and look at everything. BUT that's not the best part. In the front cover, he has written, "A mother is the most important teacher. Don't ever forget the significance of your work." I love the symbolism of it. It's not just a grammar book; it's part of who I was and who I still am; not teaching in a school doesn't mean I'm not teaching. My heart overflows with love for this man. He is an incredible husband and father, and he makes me feel so appreciated. Isn't that what we need sometimes? Just for someone to acknowledge that what we do as mothers day in and day out is important. I just had to share! :) Hope all is well in bloggy land. I hate being gone for days at a time; I feel so out of it. I'll catch up today, I hope! Happy Tax Day. :)

Reunited and It Feels So Good

:) Get out your acid washed jeans with zippers up the ankle because the New Kids are going back out on tour. And if I can make Lil a onesie that has Joey AND Jordan's picture on it, don't think I won't do it. In all seriousness, it can't be denied that they look good. Dang good. The fifth grader in me is squealing right now. Now who is coming with me to a show? :)

Icky Icky Shots!!!!

Oh my poor girl. We had our one year check up today, which went very well. For some reason, I didn't realize Lil would be getting FOUR shots. She got tested for TB (a nice bruise is already forming), a MMR, a chicken pox vaccine, and something else that is escaping me at the moment. The nurse warned us these would be worse than the shots before because apparently the MMR and the chicken pox vaccine both really sting. Well...I have never in this entire year heard Lily cry like she did today. She's not really a crier. She fusses if she's hungry or sleepy but it's really rare that she full out cries. And this kind of hysterics...I'd be thrilled to never hear it again. It was heart breaking! I'm SUCH a wuss with the shots. I make my husband hold her and I hide my eyes and then sweep in to save the day and give the snuggles when it's all over:) Four band aids on such a little body are just not right!

She came home from her appt. and went straight for a nap. She slept for THREE hours, which officially ended the nap wars. I actually got a little nervous because she slept for so long. But, then she woke up and was her usual, happy self.

Our crazy, wild weekend is kicking off tonight with some Chinese take-out and the DVD "Atonement." I've really wanted to see it, and I've recently sat through "Transformers," all the "John Adams" episodes on HBO, and "The Untouchables" with Troy lately, so I feel like he owes me big time! If you can top that kind of excitement, I'll be shocked. Just shocked. :)

Good news all around! :)

In the mail today: a check for $400.97 from the hospital in Salt Lake City. Nearly a year later, but still cash in our pocket all the same. I'll again praise our fantastic agency for their support, not only during our adoption and post placement, but in this situation a year after their duties are technically over. I'll also say again to anyone reading who is considering adoption and isn't sure which agency to choose, leave your email address in a comment because I can't say enough about our agency.

Second, I got news about Baby L whom I wrote about last week. He has successfully undergone two surgeries at Johns Hopkins and is doing very well. His amazing parents are doing very well, too, and are very optimistic about his prognosis. Thank you for your prayers and support for him.

Third, it is GORGEOUS here today. Lily and I just spent an hour sitting on a blanket in our front yard watching the cars go by. That may not have seemed too exciting to me a year ago, but now just being outside sitting on a blanket with my baby was one of the most peaceful yet energizing things I could've spend an afternoon doing. We have tulips coming up in our yard and all is right with the world:)

Perspective

An acquaintance of mine brought a bit closer through a mutual understanding of the grief of infertility is dealing with a huge heartbreak right now. She gave birth to her son, baby "L" conceived via invitro last week. He was full term, but he was born with very serious complications. She is fine, but he is being transferred to a leading research hospital. They believe this is the only possibility for his recovery. I'm vague, I know, but I want to be careful to protect their privacy.
It puts everything in perspective. Motherhood can be so difficult, but it's the best difficult there is. And if you have a healthy baby, regardless of what it took to get him or her here, then you have everything in the world. My heart truly breaks for her tonight, and I'd love it if you'd send some prayers or thoughts or hope for healing baby "L's" way. I'll be saying a special prayer of gratitude and praise for all of our beautiful babies either here or still on their way.

Bad, bad mommy!!

So, we're all sick again. It's like the three of us are just passing the same cold around and around. It's nuts and I am so sick of sick! I had a terrible bad mommy moment yesterday. I was laying on the floor in Lily's room trying to maintain semi-consciousness while Lily played with her blocks and climbed all over me. Well, I had my eyes shut and she crawled over to her dresser, pulled the drawer open and then slammed it WITH her little thumb inside. I felt so terrible. It pinched the skin on her thumb, but not the nail, and she cried but only for a second. Our trick to stopping her crying is to show her herself in the mirror. She smiles and giggles immediately. I swear, this girl can pick herself out of a picture of fifty people. She LOVES to look at herself. Anyway, her thumb is fine - there's barely a mark today, but man, I still feel bad. It's so hard to keep up with her when all I want to do is crawl into bed and be sick. Where's Mary Poppins when you need her?