I had a kind of heart stopping moment today. I was playing with Lily (we just bought her her very first baby doll and she is so in love with it! She hugs it and says, "Bah-beee" (baby) - it's really the cutest thing ever), and it hit me that she has no clue that I didn't give birth to her. I mean, obviously, she doesn't get any of that yet, but for some reason it nearly stopped my heart because she doesn't know yet. It almost brought tears to my eyes because I had a moment of sheer understanding of why people don't tell children they're adopted. Please, PLEASE don't get me wrong - we are so proud to be a family through adoption and there is absolutely no chance of that happening here nor do I want it to, but I felt in that split second grief that she didn't come from me. Does that make any sense? Obviously, if I had given birth to her, she wouldn't be who she is - and obviously, I wouldn't change even one thing, but I can't describe any better the feeling of sadness that came over me. And it really was just for that second - I rarely even think of her being adopted - it's just the way our family was made. She is my daughter and that's the end of it, but I wish I could put into words what I felt. Maybe I'm not alone here and someone can say it better than I could.
When I'm really 100% honest with myself and here on this blog, as comfortable as I am with adoption and how proud I am to be a mommy through adoption, I have moments of panic. I feel very vulnerable even writing that here, but it's true. I have moments of worry that I won't tell her about her adoption the right way. How do you begin introducing it? We have "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born," and she has a lifebook...are those the places to start? And my greatest fear is that she will resent it. I know that's silly and not worth even giving ideas like that my time, but I can't help it. I know the statistics; I know there are some adoptees who struggle with being adopted. I have moments where I wish it was just easy. I wish I was just her mom and that I didn't have to worry about telling her she was placed because you know no matter how well you tell it, there will be some grief on her part. And I'm ready for that and okay with it, but it's still hard. And I am terrified - absolutely terrified that she won't see me as her mom. I hate even typing that, but when I'm 100% honest, it's a real fear of mine. I know I need to get over it, but I love her so much that I can't even imagne something like that. I think, though, that all moms - no matter how they became moms - feel that way.
Man, this is a rough post, and I really hope it came out the right way, but like I said, I have needed to vent and a safe place to express some difficult feelings, so here they are. Lucky you guys, right? :) I promise I'll ease the pain of this one with a picture post or something equally cute tomorrow:) I'm really nervous to hit publish because I feel like some of things I've said here may not come out right. Give me the benefit of the doubt and be kind, okay? :)
***I've found it! Gretchen put it perfectly in the first comment. It's overwhelming to think about the potential for grief and pain in our children. But you know what? That's true for ANY parent and ANY child. Thanks for helping me find the words, Gretchen! :)
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Honesty **with updates
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29 comments:
((hugs)) I sometimes feel the same way. You are very brave to write about your true feelings on a forum like this. I for one really appreciate it. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by the potential for grief and pain that our children may feel. It's hard to know the right way to deal with everything. You are a strong and caring mother. I have no doubt that you will be able to help your child with whatever they may feel someday.
That is EXACTLY what I have been looking for!! It's the potential for grief and pain that is scary. But, like I said, that's true of parenting any child.
Thank you for your kind, kind words! :)
Oh no, you're not alone. I think that the stuff you're worrying about...THAT was what that moment of wishing you gave birth to her about...just wishing for the SIMPLICITY.
There are complications in adoption, that's for sure. There are SO many feelings and SO many issues. But the good news is that you're being honest and open.
As far as TELLING....I don't plan on actually "telling" Ava. I mean, we have openness....and we talk about the adoption, and we celebrate her adoption. If you always are honest and have a dialogue running, she's not ever going to know the difference until she's logical enough to talk about it and have you able to comfort her. You know what I mean? I feel like I"m nto being very clear. But it'll just be the way it is, just like for you, it's just the way she joined your family.
Not that it's not a possibility that our kids will have questions or issues...but I think that any time there has to be a "telling" EVENT and it's its own THING, that's where you get a lot of resentment.
Thinking of you. Some things are so hard and complicated. If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.
I think your feelings are very normal. And it's good that you are acknowledging them and bringing them into the light to be examined.
I believe that the best thing you can to do help Lily be comfortable with her adoption story is for you to be comfortable with her adoption story. She will take her cues (largely) from you.
You wouldn't change even one thing. That's a great cue. You are afraid she'll resent it. So what if she does? You'll deal with it. You be the best mom you can, and you have a clear conscience about the circumstances of her coming to you, and let the rest unfold. She may have moments of resentment...allow her the space to explore them.
People are faced with grief. While you can't protect her from ever experiencing it, you can give her tools on how to let it move through her instead of getting stuck in her. You do this by giving her space, and by modeling it yourself.
It is also OK if you are sad that you did not give birth to her. You can have that thought AND the thought that you don't wish anything were different.
She will know you are her mom. You just have to trust that. Trust yourself. Believe in your good heart.
XO, Katd.
You're so brave to put your thoughts out there. I think it's very helpful for others to know that they are not alone!
I have the same worries, and I'm not even a parent yet! I appreciate how honestly you have shared your thoughts and feelings. And I definitely think it's OK that you have these thoughts and feelings. Your honesty with yourself, your family, and your daughter will help you through the difficult times.
I think you can put away the fear of Lily not thinking of you as her Mom. All of the adoptees that I've spoken to or heard from affirm that there's absolutely no confusion about who their Mom & Dad are. Every time she reaches for you or looks into your eyes and smiles, she'll know!
Yes yes yes!!!
I agree 1000% with what Jess said about wishing for the SIMPLICITY of giving birth.
We have that book too and I read it to MG every few months and still, I cry every time. I also try to add personal parts of our story so I get practice telling her about how our family was formed.
But really, you are not alone in your thoughts.
Wow - I can TOTALLY understand what you mean. Our adoption is just underway (we are at the beginning of our 6-month finalization) but with the difference being that we have adopted a 10-year old instead of a newborn. Start now talking about the fact that she is adopted and it will absolutely be the most natural thing to know that she was CHOSEN not simply received. She will know from the beginning how much you loved her and that you ARE mom but don't be surprised when that natural curiousity arises in her of "where did I REALLY come from" - don't be jealous of the fact that you aren't her birth mother, rejoice in the fact that you were chosen to be her LIFE mother.
Good luck and I so enjoy reading about your days.
*hugs*
I know the fear that you're speaking of: It's the same fear that makes me wondering whether we have the right to have a family. I'm scared about not approaching things properly, about not being open enough, or too open, I'm scared about hurtful comments and rejection and working through all of this. I worry that by having a child via donor sperm, that the child will resent us, will say the inevitable (which I think all kids do) "You're not my dad!" "I hate you" I'm scared at how much those things will hurt Matt and how much they'll hurt me, and how much they will hurt. I worry about adopting because of all the things you stated. I worry.
I have no doubt that Lily will know that you are her mommy. She already knows (on some level) how much you love her, and that you're there for her. It's hard dealing with the unknown and all the variables.
It is the simplicity of naturally having a family that makes me sad. That other people will have no idea about any of this, or understand it. All that we work so hard for, can be shattered in an instant, but we don't know if that will even happen.
(I've been thinking a lot about this lately...I guess I should write a post)
Thank you for writing this post and being so open and honest. This too have been on my mind lately. it is nice to know that we are not alone in our fears. I like what Jess said about simplicity, it makes so much sense. Also J and I know that we will always be open with our children about their adoptions but we have been discussing lately just how and when to talk to them about it.
Thank you for your honesty. I have been reading your blog for awhile and many of your thoughts hit home for me. We are waiting to adopt and it's been so wonderful to follow your journey. You are Lily's mommy and she will always know it.
I think it's so cool that you did find the courage to hit that "publish" button. More people need to do this so when someone does find their blog they will know that what they are wondering and feeling are totally normal.
((hugs)) to you and your family!
Well I don't know that I have anything to add other than what everyone else has said here. I just think you are extremely brave for being so honest, and I appreciate that. I think the world could be a better, happier place if we could all be a little more open and honest with one another. When you share your true feelings, fears, and beliefs...good and bad, that allows others to find their own truths and to have someone to identify with. That, in my eyes, is what it's all about in the long run anyway...connection based our vulnerabilities and strengths as people.
Melba
Thanks for writing this post; as a preadoptive mom I'm already having these thoughts! I imagine it's even more intense when you have your chld to go with the feelings.Don't be afraid or ashamed for writing what you did, it was beautiful and real.
I don't remember being told I was adopted, but I also don't remember ever not knowing. My mom approached the supject in a way I could understand as a small child. She told me she had a sick tummy and couldn't grow babies in it. She told me that there was another mommy who could grow babies in her tummy, but couldn't give me everything she wanted to give me. She told me the other mommy wanted me to have a mommy and a daddy and wanted me to have a home filled with love, so she gave me to my mommy and daddy to love and raise as their own.
It sounds kind of cheesy when I type it out that way, but that is what I always knew. It worked. I understood it and it made sense to me, even as a small child.
When we got my brother, I was told that, once again, mommy had a sick tummy and there was another mommy who could have a baby grow in her tummy, but wanted the baby to have a mommy and daddy and a big sister, so she was doing the most unselfish thing she could do for her baby and allowing us to have him in our family. I understood the differences between my brother being added to our family and other babies being added to families through pregnancy and birth.
Lily will not question the fact that you are her mother. She will just understand for the truth it is.
i think it's great that you have been so honest here. i have these exact same fears, even though our children know they are adopted -- the "potential for grief and pain" i think is exaggerated in adopted children because you absolutely KNOW there will be some grief of some kind. i wonder when my children grow up whose home they will go to for christmas dinner, if they choose to find their birth mom. i know it's their choice and i really hope they can find a way to be happy either knowing or not knowing, but like you said, it's those split seconds of panic.
i think you said this very well.
I know your feelings all to well. Before we adopted our beautiful little girl I wondered how we would tell her about her adoption. When she was placed with us, I began telling her the story of her adoption when I would give her her bedtime bottle. It was easier for me to talk about it before she could ask any questions. I became more and more comfortable telling her all about it and now she is 5 and she asks me to tell her "her story". So I tell it over and over again. Now she is extemely comfortable coming to me to ask any question she wants.
Looks like many who are adopting or have adopted have the very same thoughts. Include me. :)
I've done *this* for 7 1/2 years. I have always been told & always heard "tell them from day one". Even though I didn't necessarily agree, I did it because sometimes I'm not a leader. And I followed. :)
Bit me in the butt. Cade was about 5, maybe, & as you read on my blog - one night he asked us "soooooooo......you guys are just babysitting me?" My heart stopped. I am not kidding. My heart just hurt that my baby would think that he was leaving us. Talk about grief!
It was in that instant that telling children from the beginning might be ok for some - not in our family. No way. I now have my proof.
Children do not understand. Period. They are children & that's why the 'children' have a title. :)
So from here on out our children will be told when we are confident they can absorb & understand the complicated, yet amazing, information.
Adoption is an open topic here, & Cason's bm still phones here, but that's as far as it will go until age appropriate.
I'm probably the only one who hates the book TMATNIWB. LOL Only one of my children we had to travel/fly to retrieve. The others we drove. That has always drove me crazy about that book. LOL ;)
It'll all be ok. Pray about it. xoxo
Katd,
Thank you for that post. You put into words feelings that I have had, but hadn't been able to articulate. It was beautifully written, and very real. Lily is blessed to have you.
(And I just adore that picture of her holding your hand while she's in the stroller.)
Your post gives me comfort and you are very brave to open up and reach out. I know I will one day feel as you do (I already do a little) and it will be nice to know I am not alone. You're a great mom, and honesty is always the best approach in my opinion. I'm confident lily will grow up to be a happy, confident girl who loves her mommy to pieces!
Found my way here a while ago through Barely Sane. I was adopted as an infant and have always known I was adopted. My mom once said to be, that the hardest thing she ever had to do in her life was the day they brought me home, she sat down with me on her lap, looked at me, and said "You're adopted." After that...it just got easier. Once getting it out there...admitting it, opening the dialogue(even with a 4 month old), was a starting point. And I have never not known I was adopted. I honestly can't remember even asking what adoption was, what it meant, or having any "jarring" moments of "what???"
It was brought up so casually(although I'm sure it didn't feel casual in the beginning to my parents) in my every day life. Not every day...but in conversation or "we lived in that house before we adopted you" the same way they'd say "we lived there before we had you Chris" to my brother. Adoption wasn't focused on...but it wasn't minimized either. Just as they'd talk about pregnancy and labour and such...they talked about adoption.
I think the best thing you can do is start telling Lily now that she's adopted. If you get used to saying it and she gets used to hearing it then its never a "big deal" to talk about. My 6 year old daughter knows that I was adopted and had a "tummy mommy" and my "forever mommy" and she doesn't see my mom as anything but my mom.
That and let her watch episodes of Miss Spider when she's older. she'll get a kick out of how they deal with adoption :)
It's the fact that you do care and worry about her grief that will make it all okay. Sure there may be rough times but there will be rough times in a childs life no matter what.
You're not alone. Obviously. I have the same feelings I just haven't admitted it yet.
I have had the same thoughts, K...Are you reading my mind again? :-)
I think you already know the answer. I'm reading the Barbara Walters book, her daughter is adopted too. She writes that she told her daughter from when she was quite little that "some babies grow in their mummy's tummies, but you my darling grew in my heart". Just like your blog title!
Just getting back into town and just catching up....I think about these things too! We've always told MAM who J is and why she's special to us--right now, MAM looks at us oddly and says, "J is momma's friend", which is very cute. Now that J's expecting again, MAM says, "my baby's in J's tummy but I can't see it yet!", which is again, hilarious and yet demonstrates what she understands at almost 3. We also read the books "Sam's Sister" and "the Motherbridge of Love" a lot.
You're a great mom, and you will help Lily make sense of it all!
I want to propose another idea here - and that is that there WON'T be any grief. There WON'T be any pain. That your child will always think she is MORE special than other kids and actually pity them a little because they were just plain old born but she was ADOPTED.
This is a very real possibility, sweetheart, because that is how it was with me. There are lots of happy, blase' adoptees in the world. In fact, I would imagine most are. I know most every adoptee I know is. You just don't hear about us because...well, because we're happy, that's why! I will never be invited to be on Oprah, dangit. Too boring.
My parents told me very similar stories to the two other adoptees - that they wanted a baby but couldn't have one, and another mommy had a baby but was too young to take care of her, and she loved me so much she gave me away. Plain and simple. It was my favorite bedtime story - of course, because it was all about me! - and my favorite part was of them calling everyone to say they had a baby girl. I would say, did you call Grandma? Did you call Aunt Wilma? I loved it.
The only grief I remember experiencing was wanting to know more about her - and you actually have that information, I didn't even have a name - and then, as I got older, I grieved her loss when I realized how hard it must have been for her. But that's it, sister.
She's a momma's girl, right? I am the biggest momma's girl. My mom and I have had a couple of problems from me not cutting the "cord", not the opposite!!
It's gonna be fine. Really. She's your's. And your her's. It's all good.
Love, Missy
well I can't say anything else or add anything because everyone said it so beautifully to you. My kids came from me and I wonder if they look at me (now at 5 months old) and think, "GO away Crazy woman and stop singing...please!"
So any mom feels like she will be rejected by her kids, no matter who you are.
Yet, katd therein lies your strength and power, because you already have that fear, you know what you are afraid of happening and that will help you when and IF it happens. You are a wonderful mom, a fantastic person. Period and whatever happens when Lily learns how she came to you is going to be OK, because at the center of it is LOVE for her and LOVE all around her. From you.
*hug*
Sometimes I forget that I didn't give birth to my son, H. Isn't that the strangest thing? I find myself saying "Oh he has his Daddy's eyes". And "his skin is so fair, just like mine." And "He's exactly like his brother was at that age." And "He loves cookies just like his Grandfather."
I guess what I'm trying to say . . . is that although all of these things are a coincidence...I sometimes wonder if they really are. H is our son and an integral part of our family. Yes, he is so like us in many ways. But the best thing about H is that he is H!
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