Honesty **with updates

I had a kind of heart stopping moment today. I was playing with Lily (we just bought her her very first baby doll and she is so in love with it! She hugs it and says, "Bah-beee" (baby) - it's really the cutest thing ever), and it hit me that she has no clue that I didn't give birth to her. I mean, obviously, she doesn't get any of that yet, but for some reason it nearly stopped my heart because she doesn't know yet. It almost brought tears to my eyes because I had a moment of sheer understanding of why people don't tell children they're adopted. Please, PLEASE don't get me wrong - we are so proud to be a family through adoption and there is absolutely no chance of that happening here nor do I want it to, but I felt in that split second grief that she didn't come from me. Does that make any sense? Obviously, if I had given birth to her, she wouldn't be who she is - and obviously, I wouldn't change even one thing, but I can't describe any better the feeling of sadness that came over me. And it really was just for that second - I rarely even think of her being adopted - it's just the way our family was made. She is my daughter and that's the end of it, but I wish I could put into words what I felt. Maybe I'm not alone here and someone can say it better than I could.

When I'm really 100% honest with myself and here on this blog, as comfortable as I am with adoption and how proud I am to be a mommy through adoption, I have moments of panic. I feel very vulnerable even writing that here, but it's true. I have moments of worry that I won't tell her about her adoption the right way. How do you begin introducing it? We have "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born," and she has a lifebook...are those the places to start? And my greatest fear is that she will resent it. I know that's silly and not worth even giving ideas like that my time, but I can't help it. I know the statistics; I know there are some adoptees who struggle with being adopted. I have moments where I wish it was just easy. I wish I was just her mom and that I didn't have to worry about telling her she was placed because you know no matter how well you tell it, there will be some grief on her part. And I'm ready for that and okay with it, but it's still hard. And I am terrified - absolutely terrified that she won't see me as her mom. I hate even typing that, but when I'm 100% honest, it's a real fear of mine. I know I need to get over it, but I love her so much that I can't even imagne something like that. I think, though, that all moms - no matter how they became moms - feel that way.

Man, this is a rough post, and I really hope it came out the right way, but like I said, I have needed to vent and a safe place to express some difficult feelings, so here they are. Lucky you guys, right? :) I promise I'll ease the pain of this one with a picture post or something equally cute tomorrow:) I'm really nervous to hit publish because I feel like some of things I've said here may not come out right. Give me the benefit of the doubt and be kind, okay? :)

***I've found it! Gretchen put it perfectly in the first comment. It's overwhelming to think about the potential for grief and pain in our children. But you know what? That's true for ANY parent and ANY child. Thanks for helping me find the words, Gretchen! :)