For some reason, this:
made me cry last night. Lily's first night without her crib bumpers. The little stinker had unzipped them and pulled the pillows out of the inside. I walked in to find her climbing all over them yesterday afternoon, so we had to take them out. She loves to nestle into them, so we gave her a blankie and her favorite stuffed animal to sleep with. When I peeked in at her and she was cuddled up so sweetly with them, I completely lost it.
There has been lots of talk in blog land about second babies. Mel posted (like always!) an eloquent discussion about the grief we go through as infertiles when watching our babies grow up. And it's so true. I have no idea if we'll have another baby. It's not as simple as getting pregnant. It costs us half a year's salary to adopt a child. And now that I'm home with Lily, I can't imagine coming up with that kind of money again. And it's important to me to be home with her. Taking her bumpers off and seeing her all curled up like a little girl and not like a baby - it yanked at my heart. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful to be a mommy. And I feel so fulfilled having her. There are days where I don't even know that I need to have another one; she makes me feel so happy. But, it's the knowing that I can't do it easily that still gets me sometimes. If we did decide to add to our family, the cost not only financially, but the emotional toll...I know I'm not ready to jump back into that yet. And it's only been a year; she's still a baby. I was talking to Lani the other day, who also has a great post about considering the only child, she said something that made me laugh, but that's also true. If it were as easy as "popping out a kid" it would be different. :) It's the one thing I still really envy about fertiles. I'm fine with never being pregnant and God knows I'm fine with skipping the whole birthing process:), but I'm so jealous that there are people who don't have to consider getting a second or third job in order to save the 25K it can take to adopt. I'm jealous that there are people who can plan getting pregnant around vacations and life events. Who can space their children out the way they want to. In reality, Lily will probably not have a sibling close in age. But, I know I'm blessed to have her. And she will have parents who love her with all their hearts...and that's what really matters.
