For some reason, this:
made me cry last night. Lily's first night without her crib bumpers. The little stinker had unzipped them and pulled the pillows out of the inside. I walked in to find her climbing all over them yesterday afternoon, so we had to take them out. She loves to nestle into them, so we gave her a blankie and her favorite stuffed animal to sleep with. When I peeked in at her and she was cuddled up so sweetly with them, I completely lost it.
There has been lots of talk in blog land about second babies. Mel posted (like always!) an eloquent discussion about the grief we go through as infertiles when watching our babies grow up. And it's so true. I have no idea if we'll have another baby. It's not as simple as getting pregnant. It costs us half a year's salary to adopt a child. And now that I'm home with Lily, I can't imagine coming up with that kind of money again. And it's important to me to be home with her. Taking her bumpers off and seeing her all curled up like a little girl and not like a baby - it yanked at my heart. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful to be a mommy. And I feel so fulfilled having her. There are days where I don't even know that I need to have another one; she makes me feel so happy. But, it's the knowing that I can't do it easily that still gets me sometimes. If we did decide to add to our family, the cost not only financially, but the emotional toll...I know I'm not ready to jump back into that yet. And it's only been a year; she's still a baby. I was talking to Lani the other day, who also has a great post about considering the only child, she said something that made me laugh, but that's also true. If it were as easy as "popping out a kid" it would be different. :) It's the one thing I still really envy about fertiles. I'm fine with never being pregnant and God knows I'm fine with skipping the whole birthing process:), but I'm so jealous that there are people who don't have to consider getting a second or third job in order to save the 25K it can take to adopt. I'm jealous that there are people who can plan getting pregnant around vacations and life events. Who can space their children out the way they want to. In reality, Lily will probably not have a sibling close in age. But, I know I'm blessed to have her. And she will have parents who love her with all their hearts...and that's what really matters.
30 comments:
It is heart wrenching; to see them grow up and know it's not easy to have another. That there is a whole slew of things to consider. Just seeing your baby grow-up is tough enough.
I think this is part of the reason why we are going with donor sperm, for now, it will allow us to have 1-2 kids "easier" than adopting the 3-4 that we want to have.
*hugs*
I know exactly what you mean. Being in the process of waiting for our first, I sting with the thought that I have no "due date." My life feels like its in some permanent limbo, between mommyhood and DINKS.
I wish that it was easier to make the decision without thinking of the financial side.
I just thought I would say that your not much different from a mom who had her first on her own. I cried when my baby did all thise growing up things. It then made me so sad when we have been trying for 6 almost 7 years to have another. I realized that it might not ever happen and I took those moments for granted. One day at a time... thats all we can do...cherish one day at a time and hold on to them FOREVER :-)
I so hear you.
I too know exactly what you mean. It's beyond difficult watching them grow, when all you want to do is hit the pause button and hold on to the moment for just a little while longer. If only...
Funny, MAM is spending her first night on her new twin bed on a frame--I hear you!! But I will say that you NEVER know what life has in store for you and your family...NEVER. :) Enjoy every minute with the little love.
Sigh...I feel so many things about only children, as an only child myself. I'm glad that we happened to have the two all at once. I couldn't bear to have an only child and the stress right now would be crazy thinking about what, when, and how we would have that second.
That said, I had a very happy childhood. And I was an only. I had everything a kid could want and more....except for a sibling.
It sucks SO BAD that it's a money and emotional issue. It sucks that we can't just "pop out a kid" just like that when we want. Friends and family talk about ideal spacing and I can't help but bitterly laugh. Ideal spacing my you-know-what. :)
Wow - this photo really got to me too! Such a big girl. It really is so bittersweet. That's why I get so irritated at parents who don't realize or care that their children are growing without their knowledge or attention. Don't they realize what we all realize? Makes me sick, really.
Give it some time. Pray about it. You'll know what's best. :)
man, IF really sucks. even after spending an entire day with my boy it still kicks me in the gut sometimes. the whole 2nd baby thing is quite a frightening prospect, even for those of us who were able to "pop" one out (even if it did take a few ineffective thousand dollars to do it. the wonder if i'll ever be able to have another still weighs on my mind. it makes me angry. i'm not nearly ready for a 2nd, yet IF makes me think that far ahead. it has certainly robbed us of some sense of hope. wouldn't change the experience for anything, yet there are some aspects i could do without.
Wow, you can read my mind some days!!!
What a sweet photo!!!
Lily is so sweet. I just want to curl up beside her.
I still don't have my first, but I feel the same about so much of what you have said. It is a tough when you have to think about going through that whole process again. If you do decide to adopt again, you will end up with another perfect match.
I know exactly how you feel. It is so frustrating not only having to come up with that much cash but having to ask friends and family to write referrals saying you will make a great parent. We had to get new referral letters even for our second adoption. That bothered me the most.
We are breaking the bank with our second adoption. We had planned for it to be international and take much longer with the fees more spread out but decided on domestic and things went so fast. We really wanted our kids to be close in age so that's why we are taking the leap and going ahead with it. :)
I completely relate with how you are feeling! My little guy is almost 2 and it makes me so sad to see him becoming a little boy. Sometimes when he is sleeping I still get a glimpse of my baby.
We are going for #2 also, but we have a goal of having half the money saved before we start. That doesn't seem as overwhelming as having it ALL saved first. Then we will apply for some loans and grants. You would be surprised how many are out there. Just do a web search for adoption grants.
Though I don't have my first yet, I know exactly what you mean, it is something I have already thought about. I have really moved forward and am not bothered as much by the fact that I'll probably never be pregnant and give birth, but more by the fact that everyone around me gets to start their family (and add to it) whenever they want.
This pic makes my heart just melt...she is growing up so quickly. Don't you wish you had the ability to freeze time..just for a little while?
J and I have been discussing the same thing about baby #2...even though baby #1 is not in our home..yet. God be with you as you sort through your decision about growing your family and know that the Lord will provide.
we aren't even done baking the first one but I worry about affording a second.. weather IVF or adoption I don't know how it'll come....
I can't imagine having her grow up so fast.. but she sure is beautiful :-)
Such a sweet picture. I've been thinking about the same things lately.
I'm feeling the exact, same way. Someone who doesn't know what it's like to be an adoptive parent told me once that the money doesn't matter--it will all work out in the end. What she didn't take into account was that when she had her children and was left with larger than normal medical bills, there was no way anyone would take her children away from her. I imagine if an agency could easily refuse to do your finalization paperwork if you didn't pay. I'm trying to convince my husband that we should try the foster/adopt route the second time with an older child...
Oh...and then there are the people who "accidentally" get pregnant with a second or third baby and then have the audacity to complain to people like us about their distress. I haven't even completed one adoption yet and I can already see that it could be very difficult to do it all again someday...but I want my babies to have siblings. I guess it's just another in the long chain of things that are not as we had planned we (ad infertiles) have to come to terms with. Anyway...your little one is so precious. I do know from my nephew/niece how very fast they grow up. It sounds like you cherish every day though, which is all that really matters!
All the best to you,
Melba
Kat, I have a question for you, regarding Elizabeth Berg: Do you know if she has any history of IF? She seems to comment quite a lot on IF through her characters. Just wondering.
Found your blog today... I too struggle with infertility, but I know "Where there's a will, there's a way!" Glad to see you have Miss Lily in your life; that's a nice ray of sunshine!
well said. we adopted two at once and i know how lucky we are. but they were 5 and 8 when they came to us. part of me still wants to experience that little sound of toddler feet. (although we did get to miss out on potty training!) i've been thinking about these exact things more and more often lately. thanks for writing this post.
and my goodness lily is adorable!
dang, amazing you and our DH were having this conversation about a second child or not at the same time DH and I were. It pangs my heart to think of J as an only child yet she will be at least 3 years old before we think we can financially afford it. Emotionally, I love my time with J and DH, but I'd love for J to have a sibling. without a uterus now I can't just "get pregnant " like so Many swear I will do now that we have adopted! errrr, I hate that statement when people say that to me.
I can so relate to your post. We don't have a baby yet, but I am already wondering when we will be able to afford to adopt again.
wow, my heart feels for you. It does, because I know that feeling is going to come for me at some point.
Plus watching them grow up, it just makes your heart burst doesn't it? Even at 4 months I am begging them to slow down, I don't want to "Miss This" anymore than I have to.
*hug*
I just found your blog and couldn't help but comment. My husband and I just completed our home study for our first child and your post really hit home for me. I am sad to know, however, that the bitterness for the fertile myrtles doesn't go away, but I guess I didn't really think it would!
I loved reading your post. So very true. I have waited for 22 years for a child. We are now adopting from China and will be blessed with our new daughter later this year. Your words describe alot of my feelings - plan a pregnancy - Ha!
You have been through so much and you have a beautiful family - life is good!
Alyson LID 01/27/06
NaCommLeavMo
Being an only child is not all bad (being one) but that said I always swore I'd have two and now I am faced with being lucky if I have one.
I get what you're saying. It's the not having the choice that stinks isn't it?
She is so cute in this picture.
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