Feeling better

No news, really, so I haven't known what to say as an update. Our agency has been calling all local hospitals to see if A has delivered yet, and she hasn't checked in at any of them, which gives me a small bit of hope (don't you hate that?!). But, who is to say that she's not in California or something...it's just impossible to predict what will happen.

I am feeling better because of all the situations I've come across lately. The social worker who did our home study called yesterday with TWO possibilities and the sites I used to check for situations are also listing many new ones. I am not giving up on our current situation completely, but I feel like it has to come down to self-preservation at some point. I need to know that there are other situations out there. I need to know that we could match again quickly. I know a psychiatrist would have a field day with me because I'm not dealing with this loss, but I'm afraid if I stop, even for a second, then I may not ever get back up again. That's how I was the infertility diagnosis, too. It's like I couldn't even deal with the possible disappointment that any treatment could bring. I jumped with my whole heart into adoption because I truly believe it is how I am supposed to build my family, but at the same time, I still haven't grieved the loss of a biological child. Is that because it's really not a big deal to me or because I can't face it? I don't know. All I know is that I can't let this possible disruption get me down even for a second. I want a baby NOW, and I can't take time out to grieve because that's just wasted time in pursuing our child.

Will I probably die from an ulcer or a stress related heart attack? Yep. :) But, at least I feel better today:)