Birth Mothers

My heart is physically hurting right now. I was one of those pre-adoptive parents who thought they wanted nothing to do with a "birthmom." A called tonight to say goodbye because she leaves tomorrow morning to fly back home. I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself. She is the most amazing person I have ever known. I hate that I won't be able to talk with her anymore. We're sending pictures, and originally, she didn't want letters, but I hope that she'll read the ones I send the agency and respond. She said tonight that she would. Words are too trite to express the emotion I feel right now. For a few moments, I shared a beautiful daughter with her. She told me tonight she feels complete peace about her decision. She was honest about the pain, but she said the experience as a whole has been "one of life's great memories." I have tears literally rolling down my cheeks right now. I felt like blogging about it and having a record of how I feel and what this wonderful woman has done cements forever this second of my life.

I promise a detailed baby post soon (have I mentioned yet that this child is a genius?:) ), but for now I wanted to take a moment to celebrate and grieve for A.

We survived our first night! :)

My little burrito! Oh, you guys, I am so sleepy! :) Lily is a really sweet baby so far. She eats every 2-3 hours, has diaper changes about an hour after she eats, and never cries unless she's hungry. She loves to snuggle right under my chin so she can hear my heartbeat. I never ever thought I'd be a girl who counts dirty diapers. Or who gets so proud when her little girl gives a good burp after a bottle. We had plans to go out for a nice, "romantic" dinner the night before Lily came home from the hospital. We were there with her until around 8, looked at each other and said, "Do you really want to go out? No? Neither do I." And we stayed with her in the hospital until after 10. It's automatic.

I worried so much that I wouldn't bond or love a baby who wasn't "mine." I know that's a common fear in adoption. Let me just say that there is no possible way any person could love their child more than I love my girl. I think, in a way, because of infertility, some of us are more able to love freely whatever baby comes to us regardless of how they come. She is mine. I am her mom. She stares at me when I feed her. She calms down instantly when I lay her on my chest and let her hear my heartbeat. THIS is what life is all about.

It seems a common sentiment in many infertiles who finally become pregnant or who finally adopt their baby: guilt. I feel a touch guilty in posting baby pictures and talking about motherhood. But, I hope that instead of making anyone sad, it shows you that it will happen. We went through total hell before finding our Lily, and I would do it all over again and then some because she was meant for us.

I am a sappy mess...I'm sleepy...I haven't been out of sweats in three days...and I love it. AND my mom is flying out here this afternoon. I can't wait to show my baby off!!

Oh, a few of you have asked about agency info, I am more than happy to share with you the fantastic, compassionate agency we worked with. Leave your email in the comment section, and I'll email you back as soon as I can.

I have a daughter!

Lily Grace became ours today at 1:00. I can't believe it. There were times in the not so distant past that I questioned whether or not I'd ever be a mom. And now I am. I can't put into words how it feels to hold my beautiful girl. I am the most blessed person in the world. I promise I will post a long summary of events, but I had to leave the hospital to post (that's dedication!), and I want to get back to her. She will be released tomorrow morning, so then I'll have TONS of hotel time to post. Thank you all for the prayers, support, and good vibes. I'm sitting here crying like a crazy person just typing that. You mean so much to me!

She's here!!!!

I only had a minute, but I really wanted to share with you guys. The baby was born this morning at 9:33. A was amazing!! She was induced and was only in labor for 1 1/2 hours. She pushed for four minutes and there the baby was! We have had the most beautiful day. A's boyfriend came out to get us and said, "Come meet your daughter." I lost it. A was holding her when we went back and she handed her straight to me. It was one of the most poignant moments I've ever experienced. I got to feed her the first bottle. We spend the entire afternoon talking about adoption and what's good and tough about it. We talked about A's past and why she's truly placing this baby. She was open and honest about how she feels, and I can't tell you how amazing she is. I know nothing is final until signing tomorrow at noon, but A called us the baby's mom and dad. She told me that the baby is most peaceful when I'm holding her. She told us that she has loved spending time with us and that she knows the baby will have a great home. I can't tell you what those words have meant. I have to keep myself grounded because I know that we still have to wait until tomorrow, but this day has been unreal. I can't even find words to describe how I feel. A little nervous and hesitant still. I want to kiss the baby and look at her little feet, but I know it's not my turn to do that yet. Thank you for the continued support! If all goes well, my next post will have pictures!! :)

Last Post Before Birth

It looks like A will make it to her induction tomorrow. I'm really shocked! :) We go to the hospital tomorrow morning at 8. I will try to update as soon as I can, but tomorrow will be really emotional and nuts. She will sign exactly 24 hours after the birth. I'm terrified. I am so scared to hold the baby, but I also can't wait to see her. It's the strangest thing I've ever experienced.
Hopefully things will be very smooth and I'll posting soon! :)

Park City, Utah

This is not at all baby related:) Nothing is new on that front, except that our social worker told us that A was very comfortable with us after dinner. She also said that she's never once wavered in this process. I know the worst part for her is yet to come, but that is encouraging for us.

I have got to rave about this beautiful area of the country. Yesterday, we drove through the mountains and up to Park City where the winter Olympics were held. The bobsled track and the unreal ski jumps are still set up. The Olympic village where all the athletes stayed is still there, and it's amazing. The little village is something straight out of Europe. I really feel like I'm in a different country.

Here are a few pics from our trip so far:

Dinner

It was amazing. I'm exhausted, so this will be short. I am so thankful I got to spend time with A, her boyfriend, and her two little ones. They are so precious, and I feel like it will be the most amazing gift to be able to share with this baby girl if she ends up with us. A seems so completely sure of her decision to place, but I know the hardest part is yet to come. But, she wants to hang out again tomorrow, and I'm so thrilled! We're all going to the park:)

I need some help from those of you who have given birth or who know lots about it. On Mon, she was already 4 cm and on Tues. she lost her mucus plug....doesn't that mean her labor should start any time?

I'll keep you posted!! I'm going to take some pictures of these beautiful mountains tomorrow. Just wait until you see them! :)

Greetings from Utah

Hi guys! :) We are here, and I just had to check in. My husband is ironing our clothes for tonight...most of them don't even need ironing, but it's crazy the pressure we feel to present ourselves well. She already likes us from our profile and our conversations, but I'm oh so afraid anyway.
Can I just say that Utah is absolutely stunning? We're in Salt Lake City and there are mountains everywhere you look. It's beautiful. Our social worker met us at the airport, and she was wonderful. We had a little talk about A and her situation. She's never once faltered at all about adoption. And our social worker said that she is out today buying a new outfit because she's so nervous to meet us and wants to look "cute." Isn't that precious?! It makes me feel strangely better that she wants to be with us and get to know us. It seems less likely to disrupt if she's comfortable with us and if she's really involved in the process, you know?
I'll be sure to let you all know how dinner goes. I can't thank you enough for the emails and comments of support. I get all teary eyed every time I read them. I love this community and I am so grateful to have all of you in my corner!