Park City, Utah

This is not at all baby related:) Nothing is new on that front, except that our social worker told us that A was very comfortable with us after dinner. She also said that she's never once wavered in this process. I know the worst part for her is yet to come, but that is encouraging for us.

I have got to rave about this beautiful area of the country. Yesterday, we drove through the mountains and up to Park City where the winter Olympics were held. The bobsled track and the unreal ski jumps are still set up. The Olympic village where all the athletes stayed is still there, and it's amazing. The little village is something straight out of Europe. I really feel like I'm in a different country.

Here are a few pics from our trip so far:

Dinner

It was amazing. I'm exhausted, so this will be short. I am so thankful I got to spend time with A, her boyfriend, and her two little ones. They are so precious, and I feel like it will be the most amazing gift to be able to share with this baby girl if she ends up with us. A seems so completely sure of her decision to place, but I know the hardest part is yet to come. But, she wants to hang out again tomorrow, and I'm so thrilled! We're all going to the park:)

I need some help from those of you who have given birth or who know lots about it. On Mon, she was already 4 cm and on Tues. she lost her mucus plug....doesn't that mean her labor should start any time?

I'll keep you posted!! I'm going to take some pictures of these beautiful mountains tomorrow. Just wait until you see them! :)

Greetings from Utah

Hi guys! :) We are here, and I just had to check in. My husband is ironing our clothes for tonight...most of them don't even need ironing, but it's crazy the pressure we feel to present ourselves well. She already likes us from our profile and our conversations, but I'm oh so afraid anyway.
Can I just say that Utah is absolutely stunning? We're in Salt Lake City and there are mountains everywhere you look. It's beautiful. Our social worker met us at the airport, and she was wonderful. We had a little talk about A and her situation. She's never once faltered at all about adoption. And our social worker said that she is out today buying a new outfit because she's so nervous to meet us and wants to look "cute." Isn't that precious?! It makes me feel strangely better that she wants to be with us and get to know us. It seems less likely to disrupt if she's comfortable with us and if she's really involved in the process, you know?
I'll be sure to let you all know how dinner goes. I can't thank you enough for the emails and comments of support. I get all teary eyed every time I read them. I love this community and I am so grateful to have all of you in my corner!

Waking up a 4 am

This won't be a poignant post. I'm so tired and so jittery that I hardly can make sense of my thoughts. I woke up at 4 am with the realization that our previous agency has not sent any of our paperwork (fingerprints, sealed birth certificates) to the new agency. They have a copy of our homestudy, but the fingerprints are what I'm most worried about. That could prevent the adoption, couldn't it? I got up at 4 and emailed everyone I ever talked to at the old agency. They told us previously that they'd send whatever we need wherever we needed it, so I'm taking some comfort in that, but I really need people to be open and awake and ready for business whenever I need them :) They'll overnight all that stuff to the new agency, won't they? Please say yes! :)

I had a not so minor melt down last night. I had everything packed beautifully. The baby's suitcase was really packed tight so that the gifts for A and her boys won't get smashed. My husband wisely asked if we need to even pack diapers and formula because it'd be easier to not carry them with us and just buy them there. And it would leave room to pack the camera in the suitcase. You would've thought he asked me to walk to Salt Lake City; I just lost it! Looking back, obviously it's because of all the changes that took place yesterday and continue to take place today. I'm thrilled to be able to stay home with our kids. It's going to be a definite lifestyle adjustment for us, but it's important to me, so it's worth it. But, though I've struggled with the administration at work, I adore my kids and I adore what I do. I've done it since I came out of college, and I'm not sure yet who I am without those girls. I know, though, that once I hold my own girl, I'll know I made the right decision, but it's a tougher transition than I imagined. And we're on the cusp of possibly the biggest event in our lives. In 24 hours, we'll be on a plane to meet the woman who may give us the baby who is already being a stinker and trying to come out too early:) I didn't really care about the stupid suitcase, but it triggered a melt down that was a few days in the making....plus, it really was packed nicely. :)

Today I'm cleaning the house and doing a tiny bit of laundry. I'm going to finish packing (AGAIN!....grrr...maybe it was about the suitcase! :) ) and I have to go to the bank to get the money figured out. And that's it. I'm ready to go. How scary!!!!

4 cm! **With an update for Jess** :)

Things are moving so quickly! The doctor said A is nearly 4 cm already, but she's not effaced, so he didn't admit her. She asked us if we could come out earlier. She really wants to meet and spend time with us, which I love. She is getting really emotional, and she said she wants to know we're there to parent the baby whenever she gets here. I had no idea this would be this heart-wrenching. It's horribly sad. A is a great girl. She's smart and funny and warm. She's been through hell, and I won't go into that on here, but she doesn't want to parent this baby because of it. She's not a terrible mom. She's not a drug addict. She isn't homeless or without family. I kind of want to adopt her, too.

So, now we're flying out early Thurs. morning. I'm so overwhelmed you guys. I'm rushing around trying to get packed, folding little tiny clothes while trying not to get any emotional attachment to them (ha...as if that is possible). We finally got in touch with a lawyer to set up finalization because our agency needs his name. We bought plane tickets, reserved a hotel, booked a rental car...we're good to go. Today is my last day of work. It's so odd. I didn't think I'd be as sad as I am. I'm pretty much an emotional disaster right now. I'll post more later:)

**Update: Oh, silly Jess, of course I am taking my computer. How would I function without being able to blog? :) My husband may leave me when I pull out the laptop at the hospital, though. :)***

Frilly Outfit

Babies R Us is from the devil; I've decided. They make you feel like you need everything in that store to be a good parent! Rant over.

Here are pictures of the little outfit we bought (I love the little hat and cardigan! The pictures don't show how TINY they are). We only bought one. Mel gave me good advice (thanks!). She said that one outfit won't put me over the edge if this doesn't happen, but if it does, it will be something I always remember. I'm with her! Isn't it so beautiful? Little girl clothes are fun! :)

We're supposed to get a phone call from the agency tonight because A had a dr.'s appt. today. At her last one, she was already 2cm, so I'm excited to hear a report. It makes me happy that she wants to call and share things like that with me. I'm getting nervous (shocking, I know), though, because the agency still hasn't gotten us the paperwork to sign. I know it happened over the weekend, but it's Mon. now! Don't they realize I'm sitting here waiting? :)

I'm still not sleeping...at ALL! I just can't. I'm exhausted, but I lay down and I just can't relax. I talked to work today, though!! I told them Wed. is my last day AND I told them that I'm pretty sure I'll be a stay at home mom after the baby comes. I'm going to teach a class or two at a local university and make more than what I make teaching high school full time right now. I'll miss my kids, though! But, I have no doubt that being home with my little one will be well worth it. Now, let's just get her here!

I'll post later tonight if there's news from the dr! :)

I should be sleeping!

About a million people have said to me, "You'd better get your sleep now before the baby comes." :) It's like telling a little one to sleep on Christmas Eve. I just can't do it!

You should see the little outfit I got yesterday! It's so beautiful! Our digital camera broke yesterday (can you believe it?? I have to get another one - this is like the picture summit of life!), but I'll post a pic of the outfit as soon as I can.

I'm so thankful for this opportunity, and I'm trusting that it will happen (how can it not when Mel had two 2 year olds praying for it? What's closer to God than that? :), but I'm a bit nervous. Much less so than last time. And I also have to admit that I feel a sense of sadness for A. She is very secure in her decision, but I know she's going to hurt so much after this. You can't be human and not feel deep sadness at a mother leaving the hospital without the baby she just delivered. It hurts me so much. I'm really battling with being over the moon excited, feeling nervous and hesitant, and feeling guilty that I will be granted a family at another's expense...and now I feel guilty for posting anything that's not just full of elation. I am SOOOO excited:)

I'll say it again, you guys are the greatest. I've saved and printed out every single email and comment to put in the baby's book. I want her to see how much she is wanted and how supportive this community is. She will be able to read all the warmth, support, and love from this community of women, and I think that is so important. Happy Sunday! :)

a little girl...

This has been the craziest night of my life. You all are just amazing. I truly sat here reading all the messages with tears rolling down my face. Just six months ago, I felt so alone and so unsure of where to turn. Not that all is figured out, but I never feel alone anymore. You have no idea how it feels to know that at one certain second of the day, there are women all over the country thinking of and praying for you. I got messages from so many of you right near 6 just lending support. You guys have no idea how much that has meant to me.

Our talk with A was unreal. I am so glad we did it. She is warm and funny. I won't go too much into her background, but I will say that she seems very sure that this is right for her. She has an excellent support system. She wants to meet us, so I think we're going to be flying out either Fri. or Sat. to have dinner with her before the baby is born. She was so complimentary. She said when she saw our profile, she felt like she could see who were are by looking into our eyes. So many people told me that you'll have no idea why a mom may choose you, and it's true. She said what first drew her to us was that my husband plays guitar and that she felt like she knew us when she saw us.

She's in Utah, which is about 22 hours in a car from here, so I guess we'll be flying. Any tips on finding good fares this late? It's funny that after spending 20k on an adoption, we're kicking and screaming over plane fares:) We have to stay in Utah for up to 2 weeks for ICPC to go through, and that worries me financially, too, but for now, I'm just going to be excited. I don't want to count chickens or anything, but for my own mental health, I need to spend at least one day feeling like I may have a baby on the way. I know that may be unpopular in certain adoption circles, and I am well aware that this baby isn't mind until A signs the papers. But, the hope and possibility makes me so happy. Knowing that odds are I'll be a mommy a week from Tues. makes me nuts with joy. For tonight, I'm putting away the worry and the "what ifs" and I'm being excited...and tomorrow, I'm buying a tiny, frilly, pink outfit. If it doesn't work out, a pink outfit won't be what sends me over the edge:)

I know there must be more, but I'm sleepy. Thank you all for being my blog pals:) We'll chat tomorrow...Sleep well!

Oh my...

it's a match!!! :) I'm going to post more later tonight, but for now I need to figure out how the heck I'm going to get across the country in a week. :) Thank you for the support, and please say a special prayer for our expectant mom. She is as sweet as can be. More soon.

2 more minutes until 6

I'm on Eastern time:) I've had some inquiries:) I'm so freakin nervous, you guys!

TONIGHT!!!

Our conference call is set for 6:00 tonight. Send good thoughts, say prayers, cross your eyes, toes, fingers, whatever:)
We're the only couple she wants to talk with; so if all goes well, it seems like we'll be matched and the induction is set for Monday, April 2. You guys, I can hardly stand it. I didn't sleep last night. I'm so excited, but I also am so afraid to go through what we've just come through again. But, adoption is a scary thing. It's not for the faint of heart; it's for all of us tough girls who kick infertility butt! :)
Our consultant has been fantastic and gave us some great tips about talking tonight. I'm really excited, and I know that I'll cherish this time talking with her if the match goes through. She wants a totally closed adoption, which makes me a little sad. I hope that by talking to us, she'll decide to open up at least a little. I'd like to at least be able to send her pictures so she can see how beautiful her daughter will be. I'm getting ahead of myself...
I'm sooooo nervous......!!!!!!

***Edit: I love you girls so much. You are the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful women I could imagine. I will definitely post tonight as soon as I can. And yes, GL, the baby is a little girl :)***

I. AM. SCARED!!!

Could this day get any crazier? We just got a call from the agency and the expectant mom who is due April 2nd likes us!!!!!! She wants to have a conference call with us before she makes her final decision. Oh my goodness, what do I do??? I think it'll be tomorrow evening. I haven't ever done this before, and I don't think I've ever been so nervous. HELP!!! Any of you been through this? Have any words of advice?
I'm excited/nervous/anxious/giddy/hesitant/blah, blah, blah. I think I need a drink. :)

Pick me, pick me

We didn't get picked by the birthmom due in May. It's no surprise, really, because she wanted a biracial couple. We're being shown again on Mon. to the girl who is due in less than two weeks. I feel really nervous about it. I know I shouldn't feel insecure after not being chosen, but I do. I know that the birthmom wanted a biracial couple, but I'm sitting here wondering why we weren't chosen when I already know why. But, in my head it's because she didn't like us and that hurts my feelings. I'm all kinds of crazy today:)

And just so you all know, I made banana bread instead of cupcakes last night. It is SOOOO good. I like to kid myself by saying banana bread is healthier than a cupcake. Even as I was dumping the cup of sugar and cup of margarine into the batter, I felt pretty good about my health-conscious decision :)

Is it the weekend yet????

Antsy

No news yet. On the agency's website, one of the situations is taken down. Does that mean she's chosen already or does that mean they don't need any more profiles for her? Our contact there said she'd call us either way, so I'm not freaking out yet. Also, the woman due in April has had her due date moved up to April 2!!! That is less than two weeks away. I don't want to get too excited, but I want this so badly.
Keep me from going nuts! Is there good tv on tonight? Wednesday nights are kind of blah. Maybe I'll exercise...or bake cupcakes:)

**Update** I just reached a new low in adoption obsession. I called and left a voicemail with the agency saying I had forgotten to ask a question about the fees. I didn't forget. I asked. Probably more than once. But, I just couldn't stop myself from trying to get in touch with them just in case they had any news. As if they wouldn't call the second someone chose us....oh, I am a loser. Cupcakes it is. :)

HOPE!

We just got a call from one of the agencies we're working with. They have TWO situation they're showing us to in the next week. One may even be shown today. One woman is due mid April and one is the first of May...that's SOON! I have to remind myself that it may still take a week or even more for the expectant moms to make their decisions, but I'm suddenly filled with so much hope. This CAN happen out of nowhere...and from most of the blogs I read, it happens totally out of nowhere:) Not wanting to get too excited, but it's just a nice little boost on a rainy Monday.

No complaints

Okay, I am a total sap. Truly. Commercials with babies make me cry. At Christmas, the Folgers commercial where the big brother comes home early in the morning for Christmas and the little sister is the only one up and they make coffee for the house...I sniffle. The Chase credit card commercials with the Five for Fighting Song "100 years" that shows which Chase card will suit which time in your life...tears free flow. It's embarrassing, really.
Anyway, the sap in me is a huge sucker for Ty Pennington and "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." The plot is the same every week. They demolish a house, they build a new house, the family comes home and there are tears. The thing that is different is the personal family story. I cry at every single one. Last night, a family's home was destroyed by a tornado. The father is a firefighter and was away from the house during the storm. The mom saved her two little boys' lives but became paralyzed from the waist down. Though I cry at every show, this one really killed me. I can't get it out of my mind. I know what we've been through is tough, and I'm not in any way downplaying the hurt of infertility. But, it's so easy to become so self-absorbed because of it and to feel like nobody hurts the way I do. I think it's the constant cycle monitoring and daily shots, tests, or whatever of infertility. And then the waiting by the phone and checking email a million times a day of adoption. You can't ever step away from it for fear that the ONE second you do, you'll miss an opportunity. Watching this family last night was a big reminder for me. This woman will never walk again. My body is perfectly functional. She has two beautiful sons, but she can't run around and play with them. My someday children may not come from my body, but I'll be able to run and play with them.
Infertility has robbed me of many things. But, I'm starting to become a stronger person because of it. I WILL be a mom someday, and I don't care how it happens. I don't need to give birth to a child; I just need to be able to love one. I'm a very blessed woman, and it's important for me to occasionally dig myself out of my little hole and remember that. Not that it heals the pain, but it helps to see that the pain could be much worse. And it helps to see families like the one on tv last night who has been through sheer hell and have come through it stronger and with more love for each other.
My husband says I'm exactly the target audience of that show:) He says they're manipulating people like me through emotion..and maybe he's right. It does make me want to shop at Sears more because they donate all the stuff for the homes. :)
Happy Monday, all! :)

Kindness

I've talked (or gushed) before about how much I love the community of adoptive parents and infertiles that I've come to know online and through this blog. There are so many things that my real world friends just can't understand about what we've been through in the last couple of years. So many women have posted so many comments of support, have emailed me when I feel like I can't go through this anymore, and I feel like many of you are right there laughing, crying, pulling your hair out, or whatever :) with me as I try to navigate my way to mommy-hood.

I had a completely moving and overwhelming email from my blog pal Laurie yesterday. She used to blog, but due to ridiculous comments and criticism from people saying how wrong adoption is and how horrible we all are for stealing babies, she took her blog down. I won't even go into how vile I think people are for posting such mean and disgusting things on other people's blogs. Anyway, she now has a totally gorgeous little girl. She emailed me and said that while she was picking her daughter up, she mentioned me to the agency. She wanted to make sure they'd seen my profile, that they knew how much we want to be parents and that they were aware of our story and what we've been through. I read her email about ten times with tears in my eyes each time. That someone would think of us and our struggle while she is in probably the happiest, busiest, most overwhelming time of her life is amazing to me. It's true friendship. It's the epitome of the bond that ties all of us together. She GETS what I'm going through, where I've come from, and what I want and we've only ever talked through our blogs.

This is just one example in a long list of examples of kindness I've experienced through you guys. When I have a question about an adoption law, I get an email from Barely Sane walking me through Ohio's laws and her experience. I am unsure about the path I've taken in not signing with a traditional agency, and I get an email from GLouise saying that she's doing the same thing and we'll go through it together. I get so much strength from the blogs of women pursuing adoption or parenting adopted babies or struggling with infertility. To all of the women whose blogs I read every day (you know who you are because I'm a habitual commenter) and who I feel like I experience the ups and downs with; you are all amazing and I thank you for your support, encouragement, kindness and for baring your souls with every blog entry.

Am I totally pmsing or what? I'm so emotional and just so moved by the kindness that has poured out from all of you. Thank you. Where's my chocolate? :)

Families

**Update: Here are two pics from the wedding. The first one is the wedding party, and the second is my brother's new fam! :)

There is nothing more beautiful than the creation of a family. I posted quickly yesterday just because I couldn't wait to get the picture of the baby in his tux up:) And barelysane, you're right, the paci makes the outfit! :) There are things I'd like to flesh out a little, though.

First of all, the wedding was beautiful! They did all the pictures ahead of time, which was great. I got to keep the baby overnight Sat. night and I loved it! I want to focus, though, on my brother building a family. As I came down the aisle and saw my brother at the front of the church holding the baby in his arms, I started crying. Not sad tears because I don't have a baby or sad tears at the change in our family, but tears because I knew I was experiencing one of the most beautiful moments of my life. During my own wedding, I was too frazzled and nervous to really take anything in, but during this one, I fully experiencing the joining of two families. It was incredible; I can't even articulate to you how I felt. I'm so overwhelmed with love for my new sister and my new, beautiful nephew. I am also in awe of God because I feel like He has given me so much through my family. We were nervous at first to pursue adoption because of all the silly ideas that adopted kids aren't "yours." My nephew is not blood related to us at all, but he is our family. My brother is his dad, and I am his (favorite!) aunt. I know I've said this before, but I truly believe that all of this happened at the same time for a reason. I know beyond a doubt that I will love our children with my whole heart, regardless of how they come to us.

I have to also write quickly (and totally ruin the sentimental, pure tone of this post) about a message on our voice mail when we got home. My husband's cousin is (or was) 38 weeks pregnant on Friday. She went in and was sure they'd have her stay, but she was less than 1 cm dilated. The problem lies in the message left for us. It was two minutes long, and her husband was nearly in tears because they wouldn't keep her and they would "have to wait an entire week" to meet their new daughter. I know I shouldn't be so sensitive, but it made me furious. They are well aware of our situation, and I know they must be really anxious to meet their daughter, but to tell someone who has been waiting for YEARS, not weeks to become a parent that you don't know how you'll make it another week until the baby you already are carrying inside you and has been part of your family for eight months is born maybe isn't the most sensitive thing to do. Okay, vent over, but people are stupid. :)

On the adoption front, not much is new. There is a situation due early April that we want to be shown on, but the agency hasn't called us back about it yet. I guess they may be behind, but I hate waiting on them. Do you guys ever feel like TTC/adopting is a full time job? I really wish I could quit working and focus on it 100%....I type as I'm sitting in my classroom blogging while students do group work. I'm worthless!!! :)

A Baby in a Tux

I'm back! The wedding was absolutely beautiful; I'll post a longer post later, but I just had to pop on quickly to post a picture of my new nephew in his tiny tux. Is there anything cuter?

4 weeks

I've been doing much better lately. We've got some more possible leads, and I scour the internet about fifty times a day for possible situations. But, last night, in my inbox was a "Your Baby at 4 Weeks" email from Baby Center. I had put in our match's due date so I could follow Amanda's pregnancy. Because I'll probably never carry a child, it made me feel closer to the situation to be able to follow the baby's development. Stupid me, I forgot to adjust the due date or remove that feature all together and got an email for that baby's 4th week of life. I still think of that baby and of Amanda. I hope she's doing well. I hope she's away from the man who threatened her and her baby. I pray that she's staying away from drugs and has found a place to live. Please, please do not scold me about birthmom's rights or about the baby being where he should be. I know that's not necessary to say for the most part, but I'm really tender today and couldn't take being scolded for not being PC enough about adoption.

When we started our homestudy, I read online that adoption was one of the hardest things most families go through. I thought they meant the paperwork! :) I really did.

Some happy news: My little brother is getting married Saturday. We have a really unique family situation, but one that I cherish so much. My brother's fiance was three months pregnant when they met (with the gorgeous baby you see pics of on here regularly). She had fallen into a situation that she now regrets, and the birth father wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. They met at church, and to me, that is the ultimate story of redemption and what Christianity should be about. She was pregnant, but the church didn't shun or lecture her. My brother didn't shun her. He fell in love with her and will become a husband and a daddy on Saturday. I find so much hope and so much faith in having her and the baby in our lives. He is "adopted" into our family. He isn't genetically related to any of us. But, my brother would give his life for that baby. I haven't once thought of him as my "adopted nephew." He is mine. He is ours. 100%. I can't wait for them to legally become what they already are in our hearts.
AND...the baby is wearing a tux. It's pin striped and has a vest, just like his soon-to-be Daddy's. Don't worry, there will be many pics posted! :)

Response to Comment

I don't want to get defensive, but I want to reply to a comment posted by "Just me" on the last post asking if I just want "any" baby or if I want a good, ethical situation. I'm a total wimp, and maybe I'm not reading that the right way, but that feels harsh to me. I DO want a good, ethical situation, but this blog is mostly for me to be able to vent. I'm not frustrated that I don't just have any baby yet. I'm frustrated that the people I have paid hard earned money to haven't done their jobs. I understand that there are MANY birthmoms who do and SHOULD parent their babies. But, that doesn't make it hurt less. This blog is for me and for my feelings. I feel pain that I'm not a mom yet. I feel frustration that I'm not physically able to give birth to a child. It's discouraging that we keep missing out on potential situations, but that doesn't mean I want a baby at any cost. I don't want this at the expense of anyone else, but my pain and our journey is what I blog about.
I totally understand what you posted about God having more in store for me than just having a child. I feel like I have already grown so much through this entire process, but I've also experienced a great deal of pain and loss that isn't easy to handle. Being a potential adoptive parent, I feel like we're often painted as the bad guy who is taking a child from his/her "real" parents. I'm not that person. You did an awesome job with your potential birthmoms, and I know you have an amazing relationship with your baby's birthmom. I'm just trying to find my way through this journey the best way I can. I feel judged often by my decisions regarding adoption and hurt very much by what people think or say. I pray that I'm doing what God wants me to do, and I know I've been protected by Him on the way. But, my pain is real, and the disappointment is real. I will be a great mother, and very often, I ache for a baby. This blog is about that.
I may just be WAY too sensitive, and please don't let this cause too much trouble, but I did want to address the question. I hope this has all come out right and that the feelings behind it (NO anger or sarcasm or snarkiness, just some sadness and a hope to convey what I feel) have come through. (I've just spend the last 30 min. agonizing over every word of this hoping that I don't offend anyone...I'm a total loser.) :)

How many more minutes of work?

I am so ready for the weekend. I haven't posted updates because so much has changed and happened all week. After hearing we didn't make it in time to be presented to the little boy due soon, we had TWO more potential situations of babies already born that we were told about, but weren't able to be shown to. It has been horrible.

We're aren't working directly with one agency, which has it's upsides. Our profile is with multiple agencies, so we get shown more and we have more situations shown to us. BUT, our social workers at one agency (who were once so eager to help us) have seemed to really drop the ball lately. On these last two potential situations, she "didn't get the message" from the agency about the situations until the next day. PLEASE! I know people have lives outside my adoption, but in this business, waiting one more day means the world. Waiting one more day is the difference between us getting shown and us not getting shown.

I am a Christian woman. I believe in God and believe that Jesus is my Savior. I have a personal relationship with God, I pray, I go to church, and I try to serve others the way the Bible teaches. BUT, if one more person (no offense anyone, please...Mom, you're included in this!) tells me that God will bring us our baby in His time....or that God will open doors when He is ready...or that we must not be praying HARD ENOUGH (Yep, we've gotten that), I will kill someone. It doesn't help. It doesn't make me feel better that God hasn't "chosen" me to be a mother yet. Our last email from our social worker who did our homestudy told me not to get discouraged because God can open a window anytime and that it's all in His time. This from a woman who already has her babies at home.
WHAT are we doing wrong? Our profile is beautiful; you should see it! We look like the poster people for a great family. We're young, healthy, and completely in love with each other. We have a nice house in a great neighborhood. We're both teachers. We're open to any baby of any race. We've pushed and pushed ourselves financially to meet what seem to be the "going rates" for babies. I know all there is to do is wait. But, I hate it. I absolutely hate every second of this.

We're going to try to have a "date" weekend. We're going out for dinner and maybe a movie tonight (it's sad how exciting that is! :). I'm not going to clean the house, and I'm not going to grade any papers. I won't look at our Babies R Us registry, and I'm keeping the door to the nursery shut all weekend.

How much wine can I consume and still feel okay about going to church Sun. ? That's a joke, Mom....mostly. :)