New Blog

I'm not going to go through and delete all the old posts here yet. For some reason it just makes me so sad. I'm ridiculous when it comes to emotions and sentimentality. It's really bad. Anyway, from now on, I'll be posting at:
http://theygrowinyourheart.wordpress.com/
Some posts will be password protected. I'm going to only PWP posts with pictures and other really personal info in them, but always feel free to contact me at:
theygrowinyourheart@hotmail.com for the password. I'll only ask that you submit a background check and DNA sample. :) Please say you know I'm kidding.

This blog means so much to me, and I really hope you'll take a second and update my new address in your blogroll (if I'm in it) and come visit me at Wordpress!! :)

Blogs, Blogs, and more Blogs

I finished my professional blog, and I know some of you asked if I'd let you know when I did. If you're at all interested in checking it out, just email me at theygrowinyourheart@hotmail.com and I'll send you the link. ALSO, I've been hard at work in building a new blog in WordPress. You can import all posts and pictures AND comments, so that's the way I decided to go. I'm just going to go through and PWP all the picture posts. Of course I'm happy to share the password with all my bloggy pals. I'm going to just take a few more days to try and get my blogroll over there (anyone know if you can import that, too, or do you have to type them all in one by one?) and then I'll post that link here and clear the old posts. That makes me really sad for some reason, but I know it's the right thing to do. As Lily gets older, I want her to have privacy and not be search-able, but I want to still be able to share with this community, so WordPress seems like the answer.

In other random news, Lily is now on medicine for her acid reflux. It was controllable when she was a baby by adding rice cereal to her bottle, but she's a throwing up machine now that she's on whole milk. It's AWFUL! The medicine seems to be working some, but not completely. Any tips on dealing with it? Any of you have AR babies? Such a pleasant, pleasant experience. :)

Sprinkler

We were up visiting my family again this weekend to celebrate my nephew's 2nd birthday. I can't believe he's TWO already! He and Lily had a ball together, and my lovely sister in

law was wonderful and brave enough to carry Lily through the sprinkler. She IS walking now....when she so chooses:) But, she doesn't like the feel of grass on her feet. What can I say; she's a total princess. :) It was such a fun weekend, and these pictures are my new favorites. This is what utter joy looks like. Or being totally freezing. Or both. :)

One more thing

I just finished putting Lily to bed and tonight is the very first night ever that as I was laying her down, she said, "I love you" or well, "Yuh You" before I said it. It brought tears to my eyes. And does again now that I'm typing it. She put her hands on my cheeks, we did our goodnight kiss and she said "Yuh You" before I did. I am sure it's because she knows it's coming, but still. I just experienced one of those amazing parenting moments and I had to get it written down asap. :)

Adoption News and Blog Changes

I am the worst for just leaving everything hanging yesterday, I know it. But, I had yet to sign a contract and didn't want to jump the gun before blabbing away. Contract is signed, and I am so excited to write about this. I am going to begin by saying that this is the ONE time I will blog about this because this is my personal space to vent and express my feelings about life, parenting, IF, adoption, etc. I don't want this blog to ever be seen as a solicitation for business. This is not a professional business blog; it's just mine in all it's glory or lack thereof:)

Having given that disclaimer, I am beginning work immediately with Christian Adoption Consultants as an adoption consultant for couples wanting to adopt domestically. They are the company we used to help us adopt Lily. Basically, they walk you through the adoption process step by step (finding multiple ethical agencies who do not ask for a great deal of money up front, getting your profile created, holding your hand through birth family calls and the scary waiting periods, etc.)and help you do it as quickly, as economically, and as ethically as possible. You all know we adopted Lily in six months start to finish - including our homestudy and a failed match. It was ridiculously quick (though I'll say it didn't feel like it at the time.) And you know I've been kind of looking for some part time work, so when I started talking to the owner and we started talking about the possibility of me doing consulting for them and with couples who sign up with them, it immediately felt right.
It's like my great blog pal, Jess, said to me in an email earlier: adoption just sort of winds itself into your heart. It's so much more to me than just the way we created our family. To be able to work to help other people find the babies they have longed for for so long and to be able to show couples that there is a MUCH better way than to just sit for years on a waiting list is a dream come true. I feel so lucky to get to be able to do this from HOME so that I can still be with my crazy girl during the day is incredible. And like I said, I do NOT in any way want this blog to become a blog about my consulting. But, I can't say enough about our experience adopting Lily. I can't say enough about how kind our agency was to us and how ethically they treated Autumn, so this is my ONE and only post about this, but if you want more information please feel free at any time to leave your email in the comment section here. I will delete the comment to protect your privacy.

So, there's that. In THIS blog's news, I'm pretty sure I'm going to go PWP in the very, very near future. I may even move to WordPress just so I can choose which posts are protected and which aren't. Again, I really want to be able to keep this blog for me, so I am thinking due to my google searches lately and now with me working in the adoption field, I may need a bit more privacy here. Promise you'll come along if I move:)

Funny Girl

Why WOULDN'T you wear your pants on your head is the better question. :) This child makes me laugh so often.

Remember awhile back when I posted about wanting a part time job? Well, I have something adoption-related sort of in the works. I am beyond thrilled about it, and I want to just write and write about it, but I can't just yet. Aren't I so mean to leave you hanging like that? Tomorrow I will probably be able to openly discuss it...and actually I will probably only discuss it once on this blog because I want to keep this blog for my own personal use. I'll probably develop a professional blog also. But, this is a huge part of my life right now, so I want to be able to post about it, but then after I do post about it, I don't want it to seem like I'm soliciting business. So, enough about that for now. I will definitely post about it tomorrow once all my ducks are in a row.

Also, I did the stupidest thing ever today. I was printing some stuff of and had the arm of the printer tray down. I hit it with my face and you wouldn't think it would hurt and burn as badly as it does. I have little scratches on my eyelid and under it. And we're going to a wedding this weekend. Figures, doesn't it? The only real fancy night out I've had in hmmm....well, a dang long time and I have to have a scratched up face. I'm nothing but classy. :)

A Lesson

We took Lily to PetSmart (our version of an indoor zoo:)  It was FAR too hot to take her to the actual zoo) on Sunday.  She loves looking at the animals.  We were walking around and spotting this woman with the tiniest, sweetest puppy ever, so naturally, I had to go over for a closer look.  The man she was with was African American, and the second we got closer to him he said, "Is she mixed?"  And pointed at Lily.  It's the first time anyone has ever asked me.  I told him that she is, and he did this hugely exaggerated look first at me and then at my husband.  We are clearly Caucasian.  It put me immediately on the defensive.  I could feel myself bristling and getting ready to have to stand up for my family and who we are.  I said, "She was adopted."  Heavy accent on the WAS.  It WAS a one time thing.  She is currently just our daughter.  Here I am all ready to defend us and our transracial adoption and then he said, "I wondered if she was.  I was adopted, too."  

Shame on me.  I was so quick to get defensive that I almost missed a really cool conversation with a guy who had grown up as a transracial adoptee.  I know that after dealing with IF and now being an adoptive mom, at times I feel like my decisions are being second guessed or the choices I've made regarding creating a family are being judged, but I think probably 99% of the time, people are just curious.  Or they're in the same boat or know someone who has been in a similar situation.  Or maybe they just like to see happy families, so the looks and the smiles are just in appreciation of our happiness and our beautiful daughter. In my haste to put someone judging us into his place, I became the one who was far too quick to judge.  I need to do better with giving people the benefit of the doubt.  Lesson hopefully learned.  Or at least well on its way! :)

Increased Privacy?

I just googled myself with Lily's name and my blog was the first option. I thought I was being so sneaky by not using my "real" name, but it's there. I changed the email address associated with the blog thinking that might help, but nope. Is there anything I can do to get more privacy other than going password protected? I really don't want to do that, but I don't like the idea of my dentist or someone I went to high school with or someone I go to church with stumbling upon this blog. I like to feel free to express how I feel without feeling like people in my "real" life are peeking in.
Do I have to just get over it or PW protect? Sometimes the Internet is icky. :)

Weekend Fun

Giving cousin Isaiah a big smooch:)

Rockin' out!

First golf cart ride (It's parked; I promise!)

First trip to the county fair! Yee Haw! :)

SOOO sleepy!

We had such a big weekend! We visited my family up north. Lily loves going up and seeing her cousin. It really makes her seem like such a toddler and not a baby to see her playing with him. We took her swimming at my mom's and to the tiny county fair in town. She totally loved the cows and a very nice man even let her pet one. I was a bit nervous, but she is so in love with cows right now; I couldn't say no! :) She was in bed and asleep tonight at 6:30!!! She was just so sleepy from all the festivities. She's got quite the full social calendar, you know :)

We're still on hive patrol. It's really scary. They keep popping up occasionally, but never as bad as they were the first time. We still have no idea what triggers them. She's in her regular surroundings when they come on. No new foods, no new soaps or detergents. It's very strange. Am I being paranoid if I call and check in with the doctor tomorrow? Tell me the truth:)

NO STINKIN' WAY

I swear on all that I have that what I'm about to say is true. Every bit of it.

Lily took her first two steps today. (HOORAY!!) Right in front of the physical therapist. Do you see what I'm telling you? Are you kidding me? She is doing everything in her power to make a fool out of me. :) We about died; what in the world are the chances? Here's what to learn from this: the second you start to worry about your child, call the doctor. It'll cure them immediately. :) And you know, she hasn't tried to walk even once more since then. What a stinker!

She ran her through a huge battery of tests, and it was seriously the most fun ego-stroke we have ever had! :) She is in the 98th percentile as far as social and verbal skills go AND...there is not ONE thing wrong with her legs. The therapist said she's as far away from qualifying for assistance as you can get:) I felt SO happy to hear it; I knew there was nothing wrong with her, but to hear a specialist say it AND have her tell us how bright out daughter is, I don't know if I've ever felt such pride. :)

So that was our morning. And remember how I was going on about how much Lily was sleeping? Well, today there was no nap. At all. Which makes for a bit of a grumpy girl and an even grumpier mommy. At about 3, I noticed a funny rash on her face. By the time my husband had gotten upstairs to see it, it had spread to her arms. I immediately called the doctor and they scheduled us an emergency appointment. So, we rushed into the doctor. We live on five minutes away and by the time we got there, her face was bright red with white raised bumps, her arms and legs were covered with the same rash. I have never been so terrified in my life. Turns out, it was just hives. HIVES? She didn't eat anything different today than she usually eats, we didn't go out anywhere, she sure doesn't have stress in her life. The doctor said sometimes they never know was causes them. We gave her some baby Benadryl and now she's totally fine. No trace of any hive at all. And now she's soundly to bed early (6:55), and I'm taking my first breath of the day. I'm telling you what, I am exhausted. I can't believe all of this has happened in less than 12 hours. :) You can bet I'll be in to look at her multiple times during the night. She's about to give me my own case of hives!

Seriously with the teething

It's a nightmare!! I feel like it's all I blog about, but it's insane! She's now getting all four of her first molars at the same TIME. Her top two have poked through, but the gums are still all puffy and read. The bottoms are just these huge swollen lumps. My poor girl!! She's still in really good spirits, but she's sleeping like crazy. Last night, she was asleep at 7:00 and didn't wake up this morning until 10. I was so excited when I woke up at 8 and she was still sleeping. Still excited to have a cup of coffee while it was still hot. But, then as the clock kept ticking, I got nervous that she wasn't making any noise. So, at 10, I opened her door and wouldn't you know that woke her up. She was perfectly fine; just sleepy! Then, she napped from 1:30-4:30!! And she's back asleep now at 7:30. I'm not complaining, mind you, I cleaned the entire house today and started a new book! :) And now she's asleep in plenty of time for Mommy to watch The Bachelorette. :) But, I do feel sad for her and her little gums!

The PT is coming again tomorrow to make the final assessment about whether or not Lily qualifies for the First Steps program. I'm betting unless they find something seriously wrong with her muscles, she won't qualify. She has to be behind in at least one other area to qualify, and there's no way she is. This girl talks up a storm! She is starting to have conversations, and it's the coolest thing. When I leave the room and come back she says, "Where'd you go?" (more like "where go", but still!) and puts her hands up in a questioning pose:) I tried this afternoon to get her to walk holding my hands and she said, "NO WAY" and plopped herself down. NO WAY. Are you kidding me? That's my sassy girl. :)

My favorite thing about blogging

This is going to be one of "those" super sentimental and touchy feely posts, but I can't help it. Do you know what my absolute favorite thing about being part of this blog community is? It's not being able to vent, although that's fantastic and it's not even having the incredible support of fellow infertiles. I feel like it is the absolute biggest honor to be able to watch families being created. We all have a hard road to get there and no matter how our families come to be, it's so amazing to get to journey through it together and then see these beautiful children added to our group whether through adoption or treatments. (or all of you who got pregnant because you FINALLY relaxed. I'm rolling my eyes with sarcasm, just so you know) It may sound crazy, but I have such a special place in my heart for all the babies of all my Internet pals. And I consider it quite a privilege to get to read about their milestones and the funny things they do and getting to see them grow up right in front of my eyes - it's really fantastic, and I wouldn't trade it.

I have the urge to just list every one of our miracle babies right here, but I know my husband would kill me because he is making dinner tonight (NO JOKE!), and honestly, that's just not something I'm willing to be late for:) So, please give your babies an extra love from me and know I'll be doing the same from you to my silly Lily, and thank you so much for letting me witness the creation of your family or the journey you're still taking to get to your baby. It's truly incredible.

First PT appt

It was a total joke.  I really am starting to wish I had gone with my gut and been firm that Lily is fine and she'll walk when she wants to.  Really, this service is for children with severe disabilities and I hate feeling like I'm wasting their time.  The social worker asked us tons of question like, "Can she sit by herself?" while watching her crawl and pull up and walk along the couch.  I know it's part of her job, but come on! :)  I think we're going to go ahead and have the physical therapist come out and look at her legs, but I know there's nothing wrong.  And today (because she wants to make her mommy look like a total nut case who panics about nothing), Lily took a step.  It wasn't walking by any means, but she put a foot out and put her weight on it.  She then collapsed and put a piece of lint from the floor into her mouth.  I'm so proud. :)

Worth how many words?

Priceless!  This girl is turning into the biggest ham ever.  She "cheeses" for the camera and flirts ridiculously with anyone who wants to take her picture.  The last one is her bending down to "hide" from me.  She shoots up and says "BOO."  It's so funny.  And the one with her under the TV tray...she just decided she wanted to hang out there for awhile.  She sat under there for awhile and decided to put her feet up.  She looks like I've bothered her by taking a picture:)  And the first two...those are just Lily in all of her sweetness.  She loves to swing and she loves to smile.  AND I was right about her bigger teeth coming in!  Her first molars are starting up.  And her gums are SOOO swollen.  Poor girl!  We're staying on top of the Motrin:)

No news on the walking front; we have our first consult with the PT tomorrow.  However, since her appt. Friday, she's now showing interest in walking and will do so holding just one of my hands, which is a vast improvement from not showing any interest at all last week.  Like I said, I know it's just that she's going to do it in HER time.   And like any good woman, she's taking her sweet time! :)

15 month check up - this is why parenting is so hard

We had Lily's 15 month check up today. She is 25 lbs (same weight since 9 months! :) and she is far ahead of the cognitive norms. We had to laugh when the dr asked us if she says more than 5 words:) She's a chatter box!

However, she still isn't walking. And he wasn't concerned about that until he checked her legs. He said her not walking worries him now because she's lacking muscle tone in her legs. It's not that she's not strong because she can stand and she cruises around our furniture. But, he recommended that we contact our local first steps office to have a therapist see her. I'm not going to lie, even typing that here, I feel teary again. I am sure it's nothing and I know so many parents go through so much worse with their children, but this is my baby. And it hurts my heart that there's something wrong with her beautiful legs. I need to keep it in perspective and feel good that we can get her check out and have some therapy to get her moving. And our doctor said it could also just be that she's not interested, but he just doesn't want her to miss a "developmental window." If you ask me, I'm still sure that it's just that she's not interested. She does what she wants when she wants to - from day one. She had zero interest in solid foods until she decided she wanted them and she crawled very late because she was too busy reading her books and doing more learning-centered activities. But I know it won't hurt to have a little physical therapy. I made sure with the center that this isn't something that would follow her through school because they told me they have to create a "file" for her. As a former teacher, I know all to well that once kids are labeled with any sort of disability, it's very tough to break out of that, unfortunately.

I'm going to finish with the other high note; she didn't cry even a little through her TB test! What a big girl:) Okay, so she howled like a crazy woman during the other two shots, but she braved that TB test like a champ! :) Thanks in advance for reading. I always know I can come here and vent and get my feelings out and feel supported by you guys.

**Update:  I've been researching babies with poor leg muscle tone like crazy and it seems to be really common.  In fact, the more I research, Lily isn't even a late walker yet - not until 18 months do they deem them late.  So, I'm thinking this is hopefully nothing at all and that the PT will just tell us she'll do it when she's darn well ready! :)

Part-Time Jobs and Technorati ??s

My husband works as an adjunct professor, which means he makes all of his money in the fall and spring.  So here we are in early summer, and I'm thinking, "What happened to all of our income?"  :)  It's not that extreme, really, but with both of us home so much,  I'm really kind of wanting to pursue some sort of part time work.  In a perfect world, it would be something I could do from home (hello get rich quick schemes:) and that would use my degree/talents, which is a Masters in English.  I'm at a total loss, though.  Do any of you work from home or have outside part time jobs? Do you enjoy getting out and making some money or do you feel pulled from home?  I love being an at home parent, but with Lily getting older and with my husband home so much, I feel like I have some time to do something extra.  Any input is much appreciated. 

ALSO, does anyone use technorati?  Someone told me to list the blog on it, but I dont' "get" it at all. :)  I'm so bad!  Is it to drive more traffic to the blog?  Again, help a girl out. :)

What a wierdo post! :)

Go Get a Frosty!

We're going to be out of town this weekend visiting family, so unless something earth shattering happens that I cannot contain myself about, this'll be my last post until Monday:) But I had to remind you to go to Wendy's this weekend and get a Frosty!! They're super yummy PLUS the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is amazing and this weekend, they donate 50 cents from every Frosty purchase to the Foundation. It's a wonderful and yummy cause, so spread the word! Happy Father's Day to all the daddies and someday daddies out there! :)

A New Day

I can't thank you enough for your kind words and support in my previous post. Just knowing I'm not alone in my occasional worry and fear makes me feel so much better. And I truly hope I didn't scare any of you potential adoptive parents. Nothing has ever been as beautiful and miraculous as my Lily Grace. I wouldn't change one single thing on our journey here because then she wouldn't be who she is. So, yes, adoption can be scary, but isn't parenthood in general? I highly recommend reading through some of the comments posted below. I can't tell you how helpful and encouraging they were for me!

As promised, I'm posting a few new great pics to set a happier, less stressful tone around here:)

And this last one; whenever I need a reminder of what "mommy" means and how worth any pain or stress being Lily's mommy is, I'll look at it.

Honesty **with updates

I had a kind of heart stopping moment today. I was playing with Lily (we just bought her her very first baby doll and she is so in love with it! She hugs it and says, "Bah-beee" (baby) - it's really the cutest thing ever), and it hit me that she has no clue that I didn't give birth to her. I mean, obviously, she doesn't get any of that yet, but for some reason it nearly stopped my heart because she doesn't know yet. It almost brought tears to my eyes because I had a moment of sheer understanding of why people don't tell children they're adopted. Please, PLEASE don't get me wrong - we are so proud to be a family through adoption and there is absolutely no chance of that happening here nor do I want it to, but I felt in that split second grief that she didn't come from me. Does that make any sense? Obviously, if I had given birth to her, she wouldn't be who she is - and obviously, I wouldn't change even one thing, but I can't describe any better the feeling of sadness that came over me. And it really was just for that second - I rarely even think of her being adopted - it's just the way our family was made. She is my daughter and that's the end of it, but I wish I could put into words what I felt. Maybe I'm not alone here and someone can say it better than I could.

When I'm really 100% honest with myself and here on this blog, as comfortable as I am with adoption and how proud I am to be a mommy through adoption, I have moments of panic. I feel very vulnerable even writing that here, but it's true. I have moments of worry that I won't tell her about her adoption the right way. How do you begin introducing it? We have "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born," and she has a lifebook...are those the places to start? And my greatest fear is that she will resent it. I know that's silly and not worth even giving ideas like that my time, but I can't help it. I know the statistics; I know there are some adoptees who struggle with being adopted. I have moments where I wish it was just easy. I wish I was just her mom and that I didn't have to worry about telling her she was placed because you know no matter how well you tell it, there will be some grief on her part. And I'm ready for that and okay with it, but it's still hard. And I am terrified - absolutely terrified that she won't see me as her mom. I hate even typing that, but when I'm 100% honest, it's a real fear of mine. I know I need to get over it, but I love her so much that I can't even imagne something like that. I think, though, that all moms - no matter how they became moms - feel that way.

Man, this is a rough post, and I really hope it came out the right way, but like I said, I have needed to vent and a safe place to express some difficult feelings, so here they are. Lucky you guys, right? :) I promise I'll ease the pain of this one with a picture post or something equally cute tomorrow:) I'm really nervous to hit publish because I feel like some of things I've said here may not come out right. Give me the benefit of the doubt and be kind, okay? :)

***I've found it! Gretchen put it perfectly in the first comment. It's overwhelming to think about the potential for grief and pain in our children. But you know what? That's true for ANY parent and ANY child. Thanks for helping me find the words, Gretchen! :)

Can't.Take.The.Heat.

Imagine me dragging my hot (temp wise!), tired body across the floor while I say that:)  It is miserably hot here!! And guess whose AC wasn't in commission for about three hours this afternoon?  Yep, mine.  I know this is going to sound very, very spoiled, but I don't know how people made it through the summers without air conditioning.  Luckily, everything got fixed very quickly, but the house still hasn't cooled back off...probably because it was in the 90s here today.  I actually got in the tub with Lily tonight just to cool off.  She thought it was pretty funny. :)

In other Lily news, she is working on her NINTH tooth!!! She has all four up top and about 3 1/4 up on the bottom and now her fifth one is coming in on top.  It's non-stop teething around here.  We also had our first major diaper blow out yesterday.  I know you all wanted to know that:)  I consider us very, very lucky to have made it this far, but it was HORRIBLE!! Stupid me, she had been constipated so I gave her straight up apple juice....not good.  Not good at all.  She is the girliest little thing, too, she gets upset by poop:)  Too much info and she'll kill me someday when she reads this, but I can't help myself; it really is the funniest thing.  Anytime she goes, she comes straight over to me and says "hi...Hi...HI!!"  progressively louder.  Seriously, she needs changed immediately. :)  My nephew could play all day long in a dirty diaper and never care.  My girly girl knows the deal!!   Still no walking...she'll stand up by herself as long as you want her to, but when I try to get her to step, she shakes her head and says very matter-of-factly "no, no." Not sassy or anything, just letting me know how she feels about it :)  

Hope everybody's staying cool.  My husband's watching the NBA playoffs, so I'm off to waste some time playing word games on facebook.  It's too, too addictive. :)

The Fertility Journal

The latest book I'm reviewing for Mother Talk is one I think every single person who reads my blog could have or would still benefit from. "The Fertility Journal," by Kim Hahn (founder and CEO of Conceive Magazine...so she knows her stuff and won't tell you take a vacation or drink wine to get pregnant:) is one of the best resources I've ever seen for learning more about your fertility, charting temps, ovulation, keeping track of taking that pesky prenatal vitamin and SO much more. PLUS...it's the prettiest book I've ever seen:)

Along with keeping track of all the basics, there are sections for really delving into having a healthy pregnancy, keeping your marriage fresh and on track (I'm reading that NOW!:), and then examining emotions if/when getting pregnant becomes an issue. This journal is the epitome of organization, so you know I love it. :) Every month has it's own "issue" to examine - some aren't even directly related to pregnancy but may examine your battle with your weight and self-imagine. Really, this is just a fantastic book for anyone thinking of conceiving. As the months go on, too, the focus becomes more on taking good care of yourself and examining every option related to fertility treatments. The back section, "When you need a little help," lists every possible diagnosis, how it can be treated, and what options you have. There is also a section of definitions for all the acronyms we have come to know and despise, but that were super confusing at first. (hCG is Human Chorionic Gonadotropic - a hormone produced by the placenta that is measured in pregnancy tests, HSG is a hysterosalpingogram - a procedure used to determine whether the fallopian tubes are open, etc....really, I could've used this two years ago when I was swimming in confusion and overwhelmed by terminology. IT.IS.AWESOME! I highly, highly recommend it to anyone trying to get pregnant. Now that I'm beyond that stage (aren't I?) I'm going to pass this on to a woman I know who is trying to get pregnant. It's that good!

While I'm on the subject, if you haven't ever visited "Conceive" online, I highly recommend the site. Again, where in the world couldn't I have found this two years ago?? :)

Scary Days

We have had quite a time here lately. We spent a great deal of time outside over the weekend, so on Sunday when we noticed two little bumps on Lily's legs, we assumed she got a few mosquito bites. When we got up on Monday morning, though, you can't believe what her little legs looked like. The bites were both swollen to the size of quarters at least, and on little bitty legs, that's pretty big. One had streaks of red branching out from it and the other was yellow in the center surrounded by red. Both of them were hot to the touch and she'd pull away if we tried to touch them. I. FREAKED. OUT. We immediately called our pediatrician, who was out due to the holiday, of course. But we left a message on the emergency line and he called back right away. And sent us to the immediate care center. I called my mom crying; I was just so worried about her. And at times like this, I hate so much that we don't live near my mom!

We scooted on over to the immediate care center and waited. And waited. It lifted my spirits a bit that Lily flirted with the entire waiting room. She won't let a few bites get her down. No way:) She was smiling and chatting people up. What a ham! We finally saw the doctor and he examined her and told us they were spider bites. He said on kids her size, the poison can sometimes really get to them even if it's a spider that wouldn't really impact us. The red lines branching out from the bites was the poison filtering into her veins. I wanted to cry. I felt SO guilty. Even though we have our house sprayed very regularly, and I imagine she got them crawling around in the grass or sitting on the blanket outside over the weekend - and what am I going to do? Never let her outside? Nope. But I still felt bad; I hated seeing those things on my baby's legs! So this week has been full of leg checks, prednisone and antibiotic treatments, and a very, very thankful mom:) This may sound corny, but it hit me once again how lucky we are to be able to just take her into the doctor when she needs it. We're not wealthy by American standards, but that luxury alone makes us wealthy by the world's.

Miss Lil is doing much better now. I didn't take pictures when the bites were at their worst, and I'm glad because I don't want to remember it. But, you can kind of see them still lingering in these pictures. AND on a very happy note, look at that girl:) She's starting to walk behind her little lion. Don't be silly and think she's trying to walk on her own, though. She knows better; she knows mommy will carry her:) These are some of my favorite new pictures. She is starting to thin out so much from moving around, but the tummy is still in full force here. :)

Here's to a QUIET and relaxed weekend:) My sister is coming down Saturday for a little visit, and I made the mistake of telling Lily that yesterday. She loves her "Mal Mal" (my sister's name is Mallory), and she crawled around all day yesterday saying "Mal Mal.....Mal Mal" like she's looking for her. Mental note: don't tell the kid anything too far in advance. :)

Hope everyone's weekend is spider free. :)

Lily + Swings = LOVE :)

And imagine hearing great big belly laughs:) This is what life is all about.

I thought for sure she'd be a little scared. For some reason, she's really sensitive and scares easily. We try really praise her when she's "brave" (if a one year old can be brave), and I was going nuts at the park. I'm thinking really this is part of why she's not walking yet. She's really nervous about falling down. It's funny how their personalities really show so early, isn't it? A big part of the not walking, too, is that she's SOOOO laid back and easy going. She has no drive to do it, so she just crawls. Our doctor laughs about it, so I'm not worried. Reassure me and tell me there are lots of other 13 month olds still content to crawl about. :)

Family Planning

For some reason, this:

made me cry last night. Lily's first night without her crib bumpers. The little stinker had unzipped them and pulled the pillows out of the inside. I walked in to find her climbing all over them yesterday afternoon, so we had to take them out. She loves to nestle into them, so we gave her a blankie and her favorite stuffed animal to sleep with. When I peeked in at her and she was cuddled up so sweetly with them, I completely lost it.

There has been lots of talk in blog land about second babies. Mel posted (like always!) an eloquent discussion about the grief we go through as infertiles when watching our babies grow up. And it's so true. I have no idea if we'll have another baby. It's not as simple as getting pregnant. It costs us half a year's salary to adopt a child. And now that I'm home with Lily, I can't imagine coming up with that kind of money again. And it's important to me to be home with her. Taking her bumpers off and seeing her all curled up like a little girl and not like a baby - it yanked at my heart. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful to be a mommy. And I feel so fulfilled having her. There are days where I don't even know that I need to have another one; she makes me feel so happy. But, it's the knowing that I can't do it easily that still gets me sometimes. If we did decide to add to our family, the cost not only financially, but the emotional toll...I know I'm not ready to jump back into that yet. And it's only been a year; she's still a baby. I was talking to Lani the other day, who also has a great post about considering the only child, she said something that made me laugh, but that's also true. If it were as easy as "popping out a kid" it would be different. :) It's the one thing I still really envy about fertiles. I'm fine with never being pregnant and God knows I'm fine with skipping the whole birthing process:), but I'm so jealous that there are people who don't have to consider getting a second or third job in order to save the 25K it can take to adopt. I'm jealous that there are people who can plan getting pregnant around vacations and life events. Who can space their children out the way they want to. In reality, Lily will probably not have a sibling close in age. But, I know I'm blessed to have her. And she will have parents who love her with all their hearts...and that's what really matters.

You know I watched

Oh, how I was like a giggling school girl today while watching the New Kids on the Today Show. But then, I saw all the 30 something moms there with signs like "I left my two kids at home to come to NYC to see the NKOTB" and "30 year old moms from CA are NKOTBs biggest fans" and I felt okay about watching from home. Less freakish if you will :)

My husband nearly had to leave the room. He said he was surprised one of them didn't break a hip while dancing. I won't bring up all the OLD bands he loves who still act like children. And Lily sat next to me rocking back and forth and clapping her hands to the music. That's my girl!! Who says genetics are important? :) I leave you with this just for giggles on a rainy (here anyway) Friday morning:

Mothers

I didn't do a Mother's Day post. I know so many people I'm close with in the blogosphere are still waiting for their Mother's Day, and I just don't want to pour salt, you know? But, I got this email forward from my own mom, and I couldn't help but post it. It's exactly perfect. And it hits the nail on the head about all of us - us moms who aren't super women and us moms who became moms in our hearts long before our children were with us. I just found it beautiful:

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here." Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse. For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors. And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars. And that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words. This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then read it again, "Just one more time." This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college -- or have their own families.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them. For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting. For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely. This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache she feels when she watches her son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time? The jolt that takes her from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put her hand on the back of a sleeping baby? The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when she just wants to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in her home? Or the need to flee from wherever she is and hug her child when she hears news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And for mature mothers learning to let go. For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers without. This is for you all. For all of us... Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. And pray and never stop being a mother...
"Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall."

Call to our agency

I called the post placement office today just to check on Autumn. She's really been on my mind since Lily's birthday. I know I've said earlier, but I really hoped to hear from her around Lily's birthday. I know she's got to do what's best for her, but I had hoped. Our post placement office hasn't heard from her lately, either. That kills me. I know they'll check on her and see if she wants the latest packet, and I know they'll keep trying, but I'm really sad about it right now. I know open adoption is a case by case thing - it's best for some families and for some birth moms. But, I have times where I really wish we were more open. As I said, Autumn has to do what's best for her family, but it's so hard to have shared something so enormous - the biggest thing I've ever done in my life and to have this amazing, gorgeous little girl whom I am so proud of - I would love to just tell her myself how amazing Lily. I wish I could tell her how funny and smart and beautiful she is. I want her to know how happy Lily is and how happy she has made us. It makes me want to cry.
I know it's still very early and that eventually she may contact us. But, it's funny how many days I still go to the mailbox hoping to hear something from her. Originally, she said she'd write as soon as she got home. But, I know getting home and getting back to her boys, she had to cope the best way she could. If you're a pray-er, please say one tonight for her. :)

Guess....

...how many days it's been since Lily's had a bath. Three. I mean, three full days. This is the fourth morning. How in the world have I just forgotten to bathe her for three full days? :) Such a motherhood, right? :) And she's not THAT stinky:) We'll be bathing this morning.

I'm a reader on FIRE!! :)

I have two...count em...two fantastic books I'm reviewing courtesy of Mother Talk for you today - one is a woman's true story about battling infertility and her quest to have a baby on her own and the other, in a dramatic twist, deals with a fifth grader who is saving the world from evil woodchucks:) "Oh, Kat, how in the world did you manage to read two books with a teething, grumpy one year old," you may ask. Lucky for me, one of them is a book geared toward late elementary school kids.

As a former English teacher, I am always on the look out for good books. I know Lily is only one, but I'm always on the lookout for great books to build her library. I think it's tough to find books for young adults. So often, their reading levels are so different and their interests - well, forget about it. Dan Elish's "Attack of the Frozen Woodchucks" is one I bet most young adults would love. I have to say, first of all, cutest part of the entire book is that one of our heroines is a two year old inventor named Imogene. It is really too funny, and I can't imagine any kid not getting a kick out her. Jimmy Weathers, our protagonist, deals with a kidnapped father, racing through space, and yep, frozen woodchucks who are attacking the galaxy. The story is full of adventure and will keep kids of various reading levels entertained - something else that's important to me. Elish doesn't talk down to young readers, either, which is something I find some young adult authors can do. Even through all the fantasy and adventure, there are real issues and young adults will connect to Jimmy and his friends in real ways.

And, as I mentioned previously, it will appeal to young adults of various ages with various interests. The story isn't predictable, it's fresh and new, and it's even got a few fun illustrations by Greg Call to help readers who maybe need a hand visually.

The second book is probably one of many of you would really appreciate. "Choosing You" is Alexandra Soiseth's account of trying to have a baby on her own. At 39 and with no real romantic possibilities on the horizon, she realizes she's ready for a baby and takes matters into her own hands. Even though we obviously didn't go the donor sperm route, I know many of my pals in our community have done this. Soiseth is honest and real about what she goes through. And beyond just dealing with infertility, pregnancy, struggle with weight, and the sometimes horrific nights of new mommyhood, she digs deep into what family really means - something that really hit home for me.

There were lines in this book that I literally highlighted because I couldn't wait to share them here. Upon discovering possible infertility, Soiseth writes, "God, I'm bad at disappointment. This is so terrible. I feel this right down in my bones. I ache with the idea that I can't have a child...Suddenly I hate everyone...I try to figure out whose fault this is so I know where to direct it...How come I don't get to have a family? Why do other women get to have one without even really working at it?" Amen, sister.

She also talks about her insemination. The waiting and wondering. The trying to hold really still and not wanting to move or run or even jostle too much for fear you might "shake it loose." And then after the baby is born...these are passages I could've written myself. I had NO idea it would be so hard. No clue what being seriously sleep deprived would feel like. Of course, no idea I'd love my baby so much, but also times of total panic and despair! See what I mean? Pieces of this book were ME. Were us - parts of all of our stories. I feel like I really learned something from reading this. So often, we want to categorize infertiles. Or adoptions. And say this is how they should be handled. It's just not possible. This book proves that every single situation is unique and everyone must follow their own path. I HIGHLY recommend it!

And now...I am off to rest my tired little head before I'm woken up by the teething monster down the hall. Seriously, just ship me some Motrin. And a fifth of whatever booze you've got! :)_

I need stock in Baby Motrin

Seriously. The teeth are coming in like wildfire. The top two on either side of the front teeth are pushing through and now the ones on the side of the bottom front are little red mounds in her mouth. Needless to say, it's been a tearful time at our house. She was up for nearly two hours in the middle of the night last night just crying and crying. Stupid mom - GET THE MOTRIN!!! :) So today we're keeping better tabs on that. And bedtime is coming early for both of us!

I don't want to say much about this because it's still a new movie and I don't want to ruin it for those of you who want to see it, but I saw "Baby Mama" on Sunday. I absolutely love Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, but I fought anger and a few tears during a few instances in the film. On the other hand, I laughed harder than I have in a long time at other parts. So, I have mixed feelings. I think the way I felt about certain parts of the movie must be how some birth moms felt about "Juno." It was hard for me to understand their feelings until I saw "Baby Mama." It's hilarious, again, but I can't get past the way some of the infertility stuff was handled. Enough said for now because I don't want to ruin it - email me if you want to chat about it!

Off to put the girl to bed. With motrin. And maybe a shot of whiskey. KIDDING!! Don't call the authorities. :)

Bliss

These are photos from our walk today. Lily loves to hold her Daddy's finger while we take our walks. Could life get any better than this? I don't think so. :)

Dirty Little Secrets...Too Dirty?

I am on such a kick right now with wanting to read funny books about what motherhood is REALLY like. It's messy. It can be exhausting. It can make you wonder where the you who lived before kids went. It can make you sometimes want to sit your screaming, teething toddler on the front porch until she stops crying. (Or is that just me?) But, it's also fantastic and makes you experience more love than you ever realized you were capable of. What's missing from some aspects of Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile's new book, "Dirty Little Secrets from Otherwise Perfect Moms," is the love part. I am all about gabbing away with my girlfriends, mom, and sisters about the dirty side of motherhood, but underneath it all, it's always clear that we love our children fiercely. I felt parts of this book were far too dirty and a bit mean spirited for my taste.

To be fair, this is a compilation of actual truths that real moms confessed to the authors. And to be fair, some of them are hysterical. Take, for example, the mother who confesses to letting her toddlers eat dog biscuits. HORRIBLE, right? Well....last week, Lily got into our cat's bowl and ate some of it's food. It's not like I FED it to her and it's not like I'm glad she did it, but it happened. And the mom who listens to hip-hop in the car so often that her kids know all the words - even the bad ones. I can see Lily someday knowing every single word to lots of Ani DiFranco music. Oops. There are also some nuggets of wisdom in here that should make us all feel a lot better about the bad days that you KNOW we all have. Things like admitting to being worried about judgement from other moms. And loving your children, but having that love develop over time.

However, there were some "secrets" that I found very disturbing. Secrets that didn't always have to do with children. One woman admits to quitting her birth control and not telling her husband. Not so funny. Some of the mommy secrets are pretty unfunny, too. A woman admits to pinching her child so hard it left a mark. The way it's worded, also, it sounds like it might not have been a one time deal. That's scary. Yet another was too hung over to get out of bed for her daughter's fifth birthday party. You get the idea.

There are kernels of wisdom in this book. But there are also things that really disturbed me. I thought this book was going to be one of those "gab with your girlfriends and laugh about the kids" books, but a great deal of it involved secrets that were more disturbing than funny. For a book pitched as a "funny and feisty compendium..." with "sweet, funny, thoughtful, and strikingly honest" secrets, I wish there would've been more sweet and funny. It DID make me think, though, of how important it is that as moms we're there for each other rather than judging other women's parenting.

On a happier note, Mother Talk is sponsoring a really fun contest! Submit your own dirty little secret (Jess, go ahead and tell everyone you hogtie Ave to clip her nails. You may as well admit it.:) HERE and you could win a $25 Amazon gift certificate. And who wouldn't love that? :)

Juno (spoilers)

I know I'm probably the last person in the infertility/adoption community to see this movie, but I've finally seen it! To be honest, I was really nervous about it. I'm sensitive to how adoption is portrayed, how birth families are portrayed, etc. that I was sure I'd hate it. I also heard that Jennifer Garner's portrayal of an adoptive mother was a bit over the top. I completely disagree. She was anxious and a bit clingy and wired, but I felt that way many times. And if I could've touched Autumn's belly to feel Lily kick, I totally would've! :)

Things I appreciated:
*Juno's humor. Not adoption or infertility related, but dang funny. I laughed out loud more than once.
*The fact that knowing the baby had fingernails made her rethink an abortion. Sometimes it really is the little things that move us.
*The truth of the martial tension between the adoptive couple. Not that we all have such differences, but the reality of many infertile situations includes some marital stress. Again, they ended up being on totally different wavelengths, but you know what they'd been through contributed. And it was heartbreaking hearing her talk about not having a baby shower because of the previous disappointment they'd suffered. BEEN THERE.
*The symbolism of the note Juno left being hung in a frame in the baby's room. It was where the "perfect" family picture was supposed to go. Sometimes our families aren't created the way we think they should be. Vanessa (the adoptive mother) ended up on her own with the baby, but her husband wasn't ready. You can't force anyone into adoption or into being ready for parenthood. I was so afraid he was going to "take one look" at the baby and then want to be a father. I was ready to be mad about that:)
*Juno's tears in the hospital. It was real. She was committed to the adoption. And I love that her father tells her she'll be back there someday on her own terms. But, it still hurt.

**Update: I just did some research and found that many birth families didn't like this movie at all. Now I feel guilty for posting so many positives about it. I guess my perspective is obviously different, but I didn't take it as really trivializing what Juno went through (the hospital scene in particular - this was a young woman who had shown no emotion in regard to placing. Autumn was like this with us. But, at actually going through with the placement, though she had no regrets, she was sad and did grieve.) I do wish that they would've shown more about the after effects. There's no way Juno would just go on about her merry way without ever thinking of the baby. Even though we haven't heard from Autumn, I know there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't think of Lily. And I know most birth mothers now don't want a closed adoption. But, again, I'm looking at it from our situation and in our situation, Autumn has chosen a closed situation. That wasn't something I wanted. Oh gosh, now I'm all nervous. Should I take this post down? I'm freaked.

Holy Earthquake!!

WHAT?? Call me naive or even uneducated, but I had no idea we could experience an earthquake like the one we felt early this morning here in the midwest! It was crazy! Our whole house literally shook. I could hear the doors rattling and all the neighbors dogs barking. And now we've just now experienced an aftershock. I feel like I'm in California or something. But without the beach. And vineyards. :) There are no reports of injuries or any big damage, but my goodness! What a way to wake up! I know all of you in earthquake prone areas are laughing at me, but it was a big deal for us:)

Attack of the Monstrous Baby

Teething is a you know what. Really. Lily is getting her two top incisors in right now, and it is horrible. She's been running a slight fever, rubbing her face all over the carpet or my shoulder, fussing, and sleeping so much. She is just not her little self; she's a totally fussy girl all day long. We called the doctor because I was worried it may be more than just teething, but he said it's textbook teething. Yee Haw. :)

Look at this sad baby:

The only good thing about it is that she lets me hold and snuggle her again. So, I'll just focus on that and enjoy it while I can until she's off like a crazy woman again. :) Her grumpiness is beckoning (SCREAMING) from her crib, so I must run:)

The Big 2-9.

We had the best weekend. We had Lily's second birthday extravaganza with my family up north. The traveling wasn't so much fun, but being there and celebrating with everyone was great. And is if that wasn't enough birthday fun, today is my big day. (Tax day, I know. I've always hated that!) :) My birthday has taken on a totally new significance for me since Lily. Her due date was on my birthday. Autumn was induced early, but she was due with Lily on April 15th. It's silly, I know, but it was one of the first things when our agency was describing the situation to us that gave me the goosebumps. I felt connected to the situation immediately. It's amazing how things work out.

My husband has already given me my birthday present. I had to get up and get moving immediately this morning so I could blog about it:) I struggle sometimes even still with missing teaching. It was so much more than a job for me - it really made up so much of who I was. I miss my students and I really miss a very good friend who taught with me. He knows this and gave me the most thoughtful, symbolic, and well-planned out gift. He bought me a copy of "The Elements of Style," which is a classic, often-used grammar guide. It's a special edition featuring different paintings dedicated to the grammar rules. I taught English, so it's kind of fun (and nerdy, I know), for me to page through it and look at everything. BUT that's not the best part. In the front cover, he has written, "A mother is the most important teacher. Don't ever forget the significance of your work." I love the symbolism of it. It's not just a grammar book; it's part of who I was and who I still am; not teaching in a school doesn't mean I'm not teaching. My heart overflows with love for this man. He is an incredible husband and father, and he makes me feel so appreciated. Isn't that what we need sometimes? Just for someone to acknowledge that what we do as mothers day in and day out is important. I just had to share! :) Hope all is well in bloggy land. I hate being gone for days at a time; I feel so out of it. I'll catch up today, I hope! Happy Tax Day. :)

We have liftoff and other musings

Lily is finally standing up! This girl is just her own person. Every single thing with her developmentally has been on her own time. And no amount of persuading could coax her into doing anything until she was ready. So this morning, I walk into the living room after pouring my first cup of coffee and there she is just standing up next to the couch with BARELY even a finger on it. And she looked up at me like, "So what? I've been doing this forever." She is too much.

We're also down to two bottles a day - one in the morning and one at night. And she's way more into adult food than baby food, so we're pretty much away from baby food, too. But it's tough to find things to feed her that are easy and nutritious.

As for the nap dept, she's such a nut. She goes days and days on a nap strike, learns to stand up by herself, and is now sleeping two two hour naps a day. The biggest and best lesson I've learned about motherhood thus far is flexibility.

It's far enough past Lily's birthday, too, that I'm afraid we won't hear from Autumn. I was hoping against hope that she'd drop a note for her birthday, and to be totally honest, it makes me a little sad for Lily that she didn't. But, I know the lack of contact is her choice, and I have to respect that. It does make me sad, though.

To finish up this post of randomness, a question for any of you who have ever had the pleasure of trimming a one year old's fingernails. How in the world did you manage to do it and get out alive? :)

Reunited and It Feels So Good

:) Get out your acid washed jeans with zippers up the ankle because the New Kids are going back out on tour. And if I can make Lil a onesie that has Joey AND Jordan's picture on it, don't think I won't do it. In all seriousness, it can't be denied that they look good. Dang good. The fifth grader in me is squealing right now. Now who is coming with me to a show? :)

Icky Icky Shots!!!!

Oh my poor girl. We had our one year check up today, which went very well. For some reason, I didn't realize Lil would be getting FOUR shots. She got tested for TB (a nice bruise is already forming), a MMR, a chicken pox vaccine, and something else that is escaping me at the moment. The nurse warned us these would be worse than the shots before because apparently the MMR and the chicken pox vaccine both really sting. Well...I have never in this entire year heard Lily cry like she did today. She's not really a crier. She fusses if she's hungry or sleepy but it's really rare that she full out cries. And this kind of hysterics...I'd be thrilled to never hear it again. It was heart breaking! I'm SUCH a wuss with the shots. I make my husband hold her and I hide my eyes and then sweep in to save the day and give the snuggles when it's all over:) Four band aids on such a little body are just not right!

She came home from her appt. and went straight for a nap. She slept for THREE hours, which officially ended the nap wars. I actually got a little nervous because she slept for so long. But, then she woke up and was her usual, happy self.

Our crazy, wild weekend is kicking off tonight with some Chinese take-out and the DVD "Atonement." I've really wanted to see it, and I've recently sat through "Transformers," all the "John Adams" episodes on HBO, and "The Untouchables" with Troy lately, so I feel like he owes me big time! If you can top that kind of excitement, I'll be shocked. Just shocked. :)

The Nap Wars

It's happening again. The nap wars have returned to the household. And I am no fan of the nap wars. Lily sleeps great at night for the most part. Last night, she was up from 4:45 until 6:15. AM. She fought her morning nap for about an hour and finally slept for about 45 min. and same goes for the afternoon nap. She is very tired; it's obvious. She has sleepy, red eyes, sucks her thumb, lays down on the floor in the living room - the girl is TIRED. But the second she goes to her crib, she either fusses or starts playing. What is her deal? Do you think she's ready to just go to one nap a day? When do most babies do that? It's such a cliche, but don't you wish there was an instruction manual with EXACTLY the right thing to do? It's the trial and error that's tough!

Maybe she was just excited that it was her birthday. :)

One Year Ago Tonight

I was terrified of what the morning might bring.

I was touched more than I thought possible by a young woman struggling to provide for the two children she was parenting and to make the best decision possible for her, her boys, and the child she was carrying.

I was moved to tears to hear her speak of her love for the baby growing inside her about to be born and how when she saw our profile, she felt we were meant to be the baby's parents.

I wanted so badly to be excited about the impending birth of Autumn's baby, but I couldn't get over the nerves. We had just experienced such a heart-wrenching failed match, and I couldn't allow myself to feel excited. Plus, I knew the baby was still Autumn's until she signed revocation papers.

My husband and I went exploring Salt Lake City, Utah to try to get our minds off what was happening. It didn't work:)

We bought Autumn and Lily matching stuffed bunnies (it was the weekend before Easter). Since then, we've taken Lily's picture with her bunny so Autumn can watch her grow.

I didn't know the beautiful girl growing inside our amazing birthmom's tummy. I didn't know she'd have curly hair and enormous eyes. I didn't know she would have the chubbiest, most kissable cheeks I'd ever seen. I didn't know she would LOVE to be swaddled and sang to. I didn't know her first word would be "HI" whenever she saw me come in the room. I didn't know she'd love bananas and hate peas so much that her entire body would shiver when I tried to feed them to her. I had no idea her tiny nose would crinkle when she smiles and that her laugh would make me laugh no matter what. I didn't know she'd love her bath, but hate having her hair washed. I didn't know she'd suck her thumb when she gets sleepy. And love to be rocked to sleep and pat my back while I pat hers. :)

I knew I would love whatever baby came to me no matter how he or she came to me. But, I didn't know it would be this much. I remember praying one year ago tonight with my whole heart for Autumn and for her baby about to be born. And tonight, I pray again with my whole heart for Autumn. I thank her and God for my beautiful daughter who brings joy and laughter and so much love to every single day. I've shed a few tears in the writing of this post, which is only fitting. I'm pretty sure I shed a few a year ago, too:)

Birthday Party: Take One

Well, our first party was a smashing success. I managed to avoid getting too emotional, but I really can't believe my baby girl is nearly one. I'm process tons of emotions right now about Autumn - I can't get her out of my mind. I'm sure she's thinking about us right now, too, and even though she's still not in touch with us, I feel connected to her very much right now. More on that in a later post; I don't know how to express how I feel yet. SO...onto what I know you're in this for, pictures of the party and a beautiful baby in a pink tutu:)

Performing for all her loyal subjects! :)


Her cousin took one of her new toys. Total tragedy.

This is her new "belly laugh" reserved for occasions when something is particularly hilarious.

My mom made this princess highchair cover. I love it and may never take it off :)

We were all very happy to get into our jammies after the day was over!

It's very surreal to think that exactly one year ago today, I was sitting in a hotel room in Utah wishing and hoping for this miracle baby to be my daughter. And today, she looks up at me and says "mamama" (well, let's be honest, half the time she says "dadada" or blows raspberries in my face, but whatever.) It's amazing, truly beyond what I can convey in words. Hope you're having a happy weekend.!