We took Lily to PetSmart (our version of an indoor zoo:) It was FAR too hot to take her to the actual zoo) on Sunday. She loves looking at the animals. We were walking around and spotting this woman with the tiniest, sweetest puppy ever, so naturally, I had to go over for a closer look. The man she was with was African American, and the second we got closer to him he said, "Is she mixed?" And pointed at Lily. It's the first time anyone has ever asked me. I told him that she is, and he did this hugely exaggerated look first at me and then at my husband. We are clearly Caucasian. It put me immediately on the defensive. I could feel myself bristling and getting ready to have to stand up for my family and who we are. I said, "She was adopted." Heavy accent on the WAS. It WAS a one time thing. She is currently just our daughter. Here I am all ready to defend us and our transracial adoption and then he said, "I wondered if she was. I was adopted, too."
Shame on me. I was so quick to get defensive that I almost missed a really cool conversation with a guy who had grown up as a transracial adoptee. I know that after dealing with IF and now being an adoptive mom, at times I feel like my decisions are being second guessed or the choices I've made regarding creating a family are being judged, but I think probably 99% of the time, people are just curious. Or they're in the same boat or know someone who has been in a similar situation. Or maybe they just like to see happy families, so the looks and the smiles are just in appreciation of our happiness and our beautiful daughter. In my haste to put someone judging us into his place, I became the one who was far too quick to judge. I need to do better with giving people the benefit of the doubt. Lesson hopefully learned. Or at least well on its way! :)
17 comments:
First of all, your description of Petsmart as an indoor zoo is one of the funniest things I have heard in a really long time!!!
I don't think your initial reaction when asked about Lily was entirely out of judgement, I think protecting your daughter had a lot to do with it.
Did the guy at Petsmart have any insight or anything of interest to tell you?
I don't blame you: I think we get used to being in that defense mode and only want to protect those we love...any questions or looks can make us wonder whether someone is question us.
Did Lily see any "wild" animals at the zoo?
Ditto my reality: Did the guy have anything to share?
I think that response was normal. You should give yourself credit that you didn't get nasty first and ask questions later.
I understand what you're saying. We don't get the question because we are obvious because of race, but we get it because we are obvious because of the babies' ages, and so I'm forever saying, "yeah, Ava was adopted and Nacks was IVF, blahblahblahslowdescentintoconversationIdon'twanttobein."
I've learned to give questioners a quick line or two that's by now pretty standardized, but I worry as Ava gets older and they seem more and more like twins what it will feel like to her to always have her adoption "called out" if you will.
Sometimes I think, well, there's nothing to hide, and she'll know she was adotped anywya, but other times I think, well, maybe we should just say "yeah" to the twins question. One way it seems we're forever oversharing and the other way it seems we're forever lying. Ugh.
I've come across a surprising amoutn of people who are interested for legit reasons, but I'd say that still most are just curiously stupid. :)
My best friend has a son who had to be in a brace due to his hips not developing correctly and then once that came off had to wear a helmet for a flat head - the point is, I was SHOCKED at how many people would just flat our stare or ask questions and a lot of times they seemed insensitive, ignorant, rude.... your reaction is totally understandable! But it's awesome you were able to meet someone who could relate to your situation!
And can I just say, I appreciate your honest posts and hearing your thoughts on how your journey is going! Good for you for being willing to share and others will be able to find comfort and learn through reading your experiences.
this is a lovely lesson. I can see how you'd be on the defensive though.
I think your initial reaction was that of any great Mom.
You felt that your child was being judged and you were willing to defend her.
I think you handled it amazing.
Good point! Though I think I would have had your initial reaction too. Good Lesson.
"I know that after dealing with IF and now being an adoptive mom, at times I feel like my decisions are being second guessed or the choices I've made regarding creating a family are being judged..."
i feel that way too, but i think the rest of your sentence -- that people are just curious -- is really how it is. that part just stuck with me because i've felt the same way so many times.
I know I am totally guilty of the same thing.
Oh and Izzy loves Petsmart, or the one by us is Pet supplies plus :)
Wow! I too would love to hear more about your conversation after that!
I think it's pretty normal to feel protective. It sounds to me like you handled it fine.
What a good post, and one I need to take to heart. Having used Clomid to get pregnant, I am immediately defensive at all twin-related questions. (i.e. do twins run in your family? and any "natural" conversations) I am quick to answer that identical twins are not genetic, nor caused by "fertility drugs" but are, in fact, quite random, and a blessing. Instead, maybe I should look for the deeper story (if there is one), or at least listen to the person asking, instead of immediately chalking it up to someone being nosy or searching for gossip.
Love the description of petsmart as well. Hilarious!!
Also, I just heard the best answer for, "is she mixed?" Answer, "No, she's 100% girl!" LOL.
I guess I just hate the word 'mixed.' Don't people know 'biracial' is the better term? Or is that just me?
I love that response, GL! Nope,she IS 100% girl. Or human. Or whatever:) And I was surprised by the use of the word "mixed." Sounds like a cooking term. :)
As I read your post, I had the same reaction as you did (and I'm just reading!!) but then when I read his comment, I got goosebumps...thanks for sharing :)
I was always defensive when told that our son MUST look like his father because he bore NO resemblance to me. My blood would boil because I knew at some age he would "get" what people were referring to and feel as though he wasn't part of us. I decided to just have my standard comeback be "why do you want to know"? Bitchy? maybe but it got my point across really quick that they needed to mind their own business. I remember one time when I had all three boys with me and a co-worker of my husband asked me "which one is adopted" HELLO! the boys have ears and can hear you. I looked this jerk square in the eye and told him I didn't remember. Husband thought I over-reacted, but actually I showed restraint considering how mad it made me. (sorry for hijacking your comment section, this is just a really sore subject for me obviously :)
Now that's an idea - going to the "zoo"!! Would never had thought of that one!
Thank you for the lesson, yes, we all will have those moments wondering where the conversation is going... We do not have our daughter yet, but know it will happen to us... Please just don't ask if I'm her grand-mother!!
Alyson LID 01/27/06
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