The feet

I took this picture just a minute ago while Lily is napping. These are the feet I was blogging about earlier. The chubbiest, sweetest feet I've ever seen. Couldn't you just eat them up? :)

Yard Sale and Sleep

So today I'm living the American dream and having a yard sale:) It will continue into tomorrow, too; don't be jealous:) I joke about it, but in just four hours today, we made $150!! Isn't that exciting?

I have a question for you moms/aunts/sisters/babysitters...anyone who knows babies. Lily sleeps ALL the time! Is that normal? I have a book that says she should be sleeping only 15 hours, but she sleeps way more than that. She's awake to eat her bottles and then for probably 4 hours or so at the MOST during the day. My husband thinks it may be because she's on formula and rice cereal in the bottle because of a nasty case of acid reflux. He says her little system probably spends all it's energy in digestion:) What do you guys think? I'm kind of in the mindset that if she wants to sleep, she should. She sleeps pretty well at night, so it's not like she has her nights and days mixed up. Help a new mom out! :)

Hugs Sweet Hugs

I got an email from our agency today regarding a wonderful promotion going on at Build-A-Bear Workshops this weekend. It's called Hugs Sweet Hugs. You can go into your local store and create a bear for free to be sent to children both domestically and internationally who are waiting to be adopted. What an awesome thing! I'm cutting and pasting what they sent:

On Saturday, May 19, 2007, approximately 50,000 teddy bears will be made and given to children around the world awaiting a forever family. On this special Stuffed with Hugs Day, Build-A-Bear Workshop® invites the first 200 Guests in all of its stores -- in the United States, Canada, Europe, Asia and Australia -- to make a bear for free. In partnership with the Joint Council on International Children's Services (Joint Council), Build-A-Bear Workshop will give all the bears made to children in need of extra teddy loving care.
All children deserve a safe and loving place in which to live. For children awaiting a place to call home, a teddy bear companion can often provide the special love and comfort needed to make their days brighter. According to Joint Council statistics, there are currently more than 143 million orphaned children around the world. In the United States alone, more than 300,000 kids enter the foster care system each year and currently, there are 114,000 children waiting to be adopted.


This is so great! I can't wait to go make one. We'll name ours Lily:)

Changing the tone...

Whew! Three posts in one day:) I don't want the yuckiness of the last post to be the last thing here. SO...in honor of changing the tone of today's blogging, I'm going to post ten things I love/am thankful for. And I want YOU to leave a comment where you do the same. Okay, you don't have to do ten, but leave something. This is very Pollyanna of me, but I am a fixer and a pleaser and I don't want to spend the rest of the night thinking my blog is negative! :)
Here it goes:
1. SPRING! I love the flowers blooming and all the green and new life.
2. Raspberry and chocolate swirl ice cream. Yes, it's a little bit of heaven. Yum.
3. All my blog pals. You guys have been so incredible! Lily has gotten well-wishes and cards and gifts send from my pals online. You have no idea what that means to us! It's amazing to have people reach out to you over so much distance.
4. Dancing with the Stars. This is my greatest weakness. I love it so much. It makes me think that I, too, will one day achieve ballroom dancing greatness. Don't ruin my dream whatever you do!
5. Mexico. I love the Mayan Riviera. We've been there three times and are totally in love with the area. It's gorgeous.
6. Lily's feet. They are the chubbiest, cutest things you've ever seen. Her toes look like tiny, perfect circles on top of little fat feet. I kiss them probably fifty times a day.
7. My husband plays the guitar. Lily and I like to listen to him.
8. My husband, in general. For Mother's Day, he had Lily's hand and (so chubby!) footprints pressed into pink clay and framed next to her newborn picture. We didn't get her hospital prints because they're idiots (not negativity!!!), and him doing this all on his own means the world to me. He also got me a gift certificate for a massage, and I can't WAIT to do that! I know how lucky I am to have him! I love him so much, but I also really like him! :)
9. My mom. She is the greatest role model. If I can be half the mom to Lily that she's been to me, I'll be a success.
10. Lily's birthmom. I will forever love her and be so thankful for the amazing gift she has given us. I'm sure it would've been easier for her to have an abortion, especially in the circumstances in which Lily was born, but she chose to give her life. And she chose us to be her parents. What a beautiful, awesome thing that I found my daughter across all the miles! It's truly a miracle.

Okay, your turn!! :) I'm excited to read what you post! :)

Mean-ness **updates**

To the anonymous poster who is praying I'll get rid of my bitterness, what a horrible thing to say. I don't believe I'm bitter. I know how lucky and blessed I am. I love my girl more than you could imagine, but I still am dealing with issues related to adoption and infertility. That's normal. Please don't post mean comments on my blog; it's totally unnecessary.

**This has been eating at me all day long. Thank you for the support I've gotten from some, and I really am hurt by the reaction of others. The fact that I feel I'm being critized for posting only negative things ever since bringing Lily home breaks my heart. I wish you could understand how much I love this baby. Just because I have her now doesn't mean that I don't know what it's like to hurt. Comments along the lines of not understanding why I have any negative thoughts now that I have a child are ridiculous. I feel very strongly about still wanting to connect with women who I've become friends with who are still dealing with infertility. I feel like I'd be insensitive and mean if I posted every day about how wonderful my life is (which it is) and how happy I am to finally be through with waiting for a child when so many of the people who read and interact with me through the blog are still in that horrible wait time. This blog, as I have said many times before, is for me to express my feelings. I want to be able to discuss issues regarding adoption, hence my post about dealing with post placement and my post about how we were treated at the hospital.

Let me say this to those who feel confused that I only post negative things. I adore my daughter. I thank God for her about a million times during the day. Sometimes at night when I come down to feed her, it brings tears to my eyes that she quiets her crying because she knows it's me and she knows I'm going to take care of her. I am in awe of everything she does, and it bothers me that there are people out there in the internet world who read this blog and want to criticize me. It hurts my feelings, and I know my skin is thin, but give me a break. Don't tell me how lucky I am and that I should count my blessings (I erased that comment) because I know that. Being a parent is amazing, but it doesn't mean your life is perfect. As I said, I want this to be a place where I can communicate with other people going through similar things. It kills me to think that I may be projecting the idea that I'm not happy and that I'm bitter. Those of you who know me better know that is the farthest thing from the truth.

I don't have anything else to say right now, but this is still not sitting well with me. It's really easy on the internet to criticize and critique people you aren't face to face with. I hate internet drama, and I don't want to add to it by making this into something bigger than it should be, but on the other hand, I don't want to not be able to express myself on my own blog.

Pretty Girl

I really didn't want to do a Mother's Day post. It's been the absolute worst day of the year for me until this year, and I feel like I need to be so careful about expressing too much happiness about being a mom on this blog. Isn't that strange? I know many of my blog pals are still "expectant" moms, and I would rather do anything in the world than make any of them feel bad. But, I had to post these pictures. We got Lily's first official smile on camera on Mother's Day. What a complete blessing. I feel like, if nothing else, I want this picture to reaffirm for anyone who is still in the wait, whether it's for a match or for another round of Clomid or your first cycle of IVF, that it is all so worth it. You will be a mom; you just may not know yet how it will happen. I know it's totally cliche, but two months ago I was in the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced. And now, only two months later, I look back and think, "Hmm...that wasn't so bad." :) Everything I went through was worth it to get her. Look at that face. She's our miracle.

Post Placement **with updates**

We have our first post placement visit this afternoon. I know they are necessary and probably beneficial, but I feel SO resentful of it. I am Lily's mom and she is my daughter. I don't feel like an "adoptive parent," I feel like a parent. I hate that I still have to jump through hoops to prove that I'm her mom. As I said, I know it's important, blah, blah, blah, but I still feel mad today that I had to clean my house and print out pictures to give to some stranger to put in an official "file" about our family.

Also, I was shopping at a big name bookstore last night and decided to check out their collection of adoption books. Well, there were maybe three different books on adoption and they were all found in the "special needs" area of the parenting/pregnancy section. WHAT? We're not "special needs." Being adopted isn't a handicap. "Raising the Adopted Child" was right next to a book called, "Parenting Your Out of Control Child." I'm seriously pre-menstrual and grumpy, but WHAT??

I do want to say, though, that I am so proud to be an adoptive parent. I love telling people our story, and I'm so proud of where Lily comes from. We send another packet of pictures to A this week, and I am praying so hard to hear something from her soon.

I'll try to post later about how our visit goes. What's with me today? :) Is it normal to get so grouchy about these legalities? Hope all is well! :)

**the visit was fine; really short and uneventful. We were asked how bonding is going and if Lily seems on track developmentally. Excuse my earlier grumpiness...although I still don't like jumping through so many hoops to prove that I'm a good mom.
Here's a picture of Lily being grumpy, too! :) ***

Old habits...

There are "childless" habits that I used to practice on a daily...or hourly basis. I have an endless list of adoption websites (some list available situations and some are more research oriented) that I used to spend literally hours on every day before Lily. I feel weird that I still check the available situations. It's like a survival instinct. I can't stop myself from doing it. It's really not good for me at all because I see all these babies in need of parents and birthmoms in so much pain and CORRUPT agencies charging 35K for a caucasian baby; it's really crazy. But it never goes away. I don't feel like I'm seperate from that world now that we have Lily. I thank God for her every day, and I am so amazed and blessed by her, but I still search the pages. It's something that bothers me, so I wanted to blog about it, but now that I have, I haven't really said anything:) I guess it's just one small part of that wound that doesn't heal automatically. It takes time.



On another note, we heard from the agency and A received our first packet. I find myself wondering what the look on her face was when she saw Lily's pictures. I wish I could've talked to her about them. Also, we got the social/medical history for Lily and for A. It feels almost like I'm snooping into someone else's business reading such personal info about A, but I'm very glad that Lily will have access to it someday.



This was a very DOWN post!! :) I'll have to end in a happy way and tell you that Lily is finally wearing all her newborn clothes. For the first few weeks, she was in preemie clothes and now we're even venturing into 0-3 months clothes. I have to say that baby girl clothes could be the most fun thing ever invented. She has so many frilly, pink outfits with bows on them! I love it:) I'll end with a few new pictures. Look at my funny girl! She loves to chill in her swing:)