Call to our agency

I called the post placement office today just to check on Autumn. She's really been on my mind since Lily's birthday. I know I've said earlier, but I really hoped to hear from her around Lily's birthday. I know she's got to do what's best for her, but I had hoped. Our post placement office hasn't heard from her lately, either. That kills me. I know they'll check on her and see if she wants the latest packet, and I know they'll keep trying, but I'm really sad about it right now. I know open adoption is a case by case thing - it's best for some families and for some birth moms. But, I have times where I really wish we were more open. As I said, Autumn has to do what's best for her family, but it's so hard to have shared something so enormous - the biggest thing I've ever done in my life and to have this amazing, gorgeous little girl whom I am so proud of - I would love to just tell her myself how amazing Lily. I wish I could tell her how funny and smart and beautiful she is. I want her to know how happy Lily is and how happy she has made us. It makes me want to cry.
I know it's still very early and that eventually she may contact us. But, it's funny how many days I still go to the mailbox hoping to hear something from her. Originally, she said she'd write as soon as she got home. But, I know getting home and getting back to her boys, she had to cope the best way she could. If you're a pray-er, please say one tonight for her. :)

We have liftoff and other musings

Lily is finally standing up! This girl is just her own person. Every single thing with her developmentally has been on her own time. And no amount of persuading could coax her into doing anything until she was ready. So this morning, I walk into the living room after pouring my first cup of coffee and there she is just standing up next to the couch with BARELY even a finger on it. And she looked up at me like, "So what? I've been doing this forever." She is too much.

We're also down to two bottles a day - one in the morning and one at night. And she's way more into adult food than baby food, so we're pretty much away from baby food, too. But it's tough to find things to feed her that are easy and nutritious.

As for the nap dept, she's such a nut. She goes days and days on a nap strike, learns to stand up by herself, and is now sleeping two two hour naps a day. The biggest and best lesson I've learned about motherhood thus far is flexibility.

It's far enough past Lily's birthday, too, that I'm afraid we won't hear from Autumn. I was hoping against hope that she'd drop a note for her birthday, and to be totally honest, it makes me a little sad for Lily that she didn't. But, I know the lack of contact is her choice, and I have to respect that. It does make me sad, though.

To finish up this post of randomness, a question for any of you who have ever had the pleasure of trimming a one year old's fingernails. How in the world did you manage to do it and get out alive? :)

One Year Ago Tonight

I was terrified of what the morning might bring.

I was touched more than I thought possible by a young woman struggling to provide for the two children she was parenting and to make the best decision possible for her, her boys, and the child she was carrying.

I was moved to tears to hear her speak of her love for the baby growing inside her about to be born and how when she saw our profile, she felt we were meant to be the baby's parents.

I wanted so badly to be excited about the impending birth of Autumn's baby, but I couldn't get over the nerves. We had just experienced such a heart-wrenching failed match, and I couldn't allow myself to feel excited. Plus, I knew the baby was still Autumn's until she signed revocation papers.

My husband and I went exploring Salt Lake City, Utah to try to get our minds off what was happening. It didn't work:)

We bought Autumn and Lily matching stuffed bunnies (it was the weekend before Easter). Since then, we've taken Lily's picture with her bunny so Autumn can watch her grow.

I didn't know the beautiful girl growing inside our amazing birthmom's tummy. I didn't know she'd have curly hair and enormous eyes. I didn't know she would have the chubbiest, most kissable cheeks I'd ever seen. I didn't know she would LOVE to be swaddled and sang to. I didn't know her first word would be "HI" whenever she saw me come in the room. I didn't know she'd love bananas and hate peas so much that her entire body would shiver when I tried to feed them to her. I had no idea her tiny nose would crinkle when she smiles and that her laugh would make me laugh no matter what. I didn't know she'd love her bath, but hate having her hair washed. I didn't know she'd suck her thumb when she gets sleepy. And love to be rocked to sleep and pat my back while I pat hers. :)

I knew I would love whatever baby came to me no matter how he or she came to me. But, I didn't know it would be this much. I remember praying one year ago tonight with my whole heart for Autumn and for her baby about to be born. And tonight, I pray again with my whole heart for Autumn. I thank her and God for my beautiful daughter who brings joy and laughter and so much love to every single day. I've shed a few tears in the writing of this post, which is only fitting. I'm pretty sure I shed a few a year ago, too:)

Post Placement Letters...yet again

**Update - I appreciate so much every single comment of support, but I want to say a special thank you to Linda for her perspective as a birth mom. It means so much to me to get that point of view. Thanks! :)

I agonize over every single aspect of the post placement packets we sent Autumn. They kill me. I choose each picture so carefully - do I include pictures of us with Lily? What about pictures of her with Santa? Would that make Autumn sad or glad to see that we took her to see Santa? What about pictures of her with other family members?
And then there is the letter. Do I say she's the happiest baby I've ever seen? Would she be glad to know that or sad that she can't experience it? Do I just stick to the basics? She's 25 pounds, 30 inches and loves applesauce and oatmeal? I got tears in my eyes just now typing that. How can I sum up in a few lines what this child is all about? It hurts me a little bit that I know more about her than the woman does who carried her for nine months and gave her the awesome gift of life. I wonder if that bothers Autumn, too. Does she resent that I'm the one telling her about Lily? But then, I am her mother. I do know her better than anyone else. I don't feel bad about that, but I do feel a little guilty writing a light-hearted letter than runs down her vital statistics and closes with a "take care" or "hope you guys are well." I have no idea what she's going through - if she's happy or if these letters even get read. They might get put in a drawer or a closet somewhere for a later date. This is something I never thought I would crave so badly - I want to know that she's okay. I wish I could see her face when she sees the gorgeous, happy, drooly girl that I love so much. It makes me want an open adoption so much - but I know it's her decision. She needs to do what is best for her and her family. All I can do is honor her by being the best mom I can be to our girl and keep praying for Autumn and her family.

Old habits...

There are "childless" habits that I used to practice on a daily...or hourly basis. I have an endless list of adoption websites (some list available situations and some are more research oriented) that I used to spend literally hours on every day before Lily. I feel weird that I still check the available situations. It's like a survival instinct. I can't stop myself from doing it. It's really not good for me at all because I see all these babies in need of parents and birthmoms in so much pain and CORRUPT agencies charging 35K for a caucasian baby; it's really crazy. But it never goes away. I don't feel like I'm seperate from that world now that we have Lily. I thank God for her every day, and I am so amazed and blessed by her, but I still search the pages. It's something that bothers me, so I wanted to blog about it, but now that I have, I haven't really said anything:) I guess it's just one small part of that wound that doesn't heal automatically. It takes time.



On another note, we heard from the agency and A received our first packet. I find myself wondering what the look on her face was when she saw Lily's pictures. I wish I could've talked to her about them. Also, we got the social/medical history for Lily and for A. It feels almost like I'm snooping into someone else's business reading such personal info about A, but I'm very glad that Lily will have access to it someday.



This was a very DOWN post!! :) I'll have to end in a happy way and tell you that Lily is finally wearing all her newborn clothes. For the first few weeks, she was in preemie clothes and now we're even venturing into 0-3 months clothes. I have to say that baby girl clothes could be the most fun thing ever invented. She has so many frilly, pink outfits with bows on them! I love it:) I'll end with a few new pictures. Look at my funny girl! She loves to chill in her swing:)

Birth Mothers

My heart is physically hurting right now. I was one of those pre-adoptive parents who thought they wanted nothing to do with a "birthmom." A called tonight to say goodbye because she leaves tomorrow morning to fly back home. I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself. She is the most amazing person I have ever known. I hate that I won't be able to talk with her anymore. We're sending pictures, and originally, she didn't want letters, but I hope that she'll read the ones I send the agency and respond. She said tonight that she would. Words are too trite to express the emotion I feel right now. For a few moments, I shared a beautiful daughter with her. She told me tonight she feels complete peace about her decision. She was honest about the pain, but she said the experience as a whole has been "one of life's great memories." I have tears literally rolling down my cheeks right now. I felt like blogging about it and having a record of how I feel and what this wonderful woman has done cements forever this second of my life.

I promise a detailed baby post soon (have I mentioned yet that this child is a genius?:) ), but for now I wanted to take a moment to celebrate and grieve for A.

a little girl...

This has been the craziest night of my life. You all are just amazing. I truly sat here reading all the messages with tears rolling down my face. Just six months ago, I felt so alone and so unsure of where to turn. Not that all is figured out, but I never feel alone anymore. You have no idea how it feels to know that at one certain second of the day, there are women all over the country thinking of and praying for you. I got messages from so many of you right near 6 just lending support. You guys have no idea how much that has meant to me.

Our talk with A was unreal. I am so glad we did it. She is warm and funny. I won't go too much into her background, but I will say that she seems very sure that this is right for her. She has an excellent support system. She wants to meet us, so I think we're going to be flying out either Fri. or Sat. to have dinner with her before the baby is born. She was so complimentary. She said when she saw our profile, she felt like she could see who were are by looking into our eyes. So many people told me that you'll have no idea why a mom may choose you, and it's true. She said what first drew her to us was that my husband plays guitar and that she felt like she knew us when she saw us.

She's in Utah, which is about 22 hours in a car from here, so I guess we'll be flying. Any tips on finding good fares this late? It's funny that after spending 20k on an adoption, we're kicking and screaming over plane fares:) We have to stay in Utah for up to 2 weeks for ICPC to go through, and that worries me financially, too, but for now, I'm just going to be excited. I don't want to count chickens or anything, but for my own mental health, I need to spend at least one day feeling like I may have a baby on the way. I know that may be unpopular in certain adoption circles, and I am well aware that this baby isn't mind until A signs the papers. But, the hope and possibility makes me so happy. Knowing that odds are I'll be a mommy a week from Tues. makes me nuts with joy. For tonight, I'm putting away the worry and the "what ifs" and I'm being excited...and tomorrow, I'm buying a tiny, frilly, pink outfit. If it doesn't work out, a pink outfit won't be what sends me over the edge:)

I know there must be more, but I'm sleepy. Thank you all for being my blog pals:) We'll chat tomorrow...Sleep well!