**Update - I appreciate so much every single comment of support, but I want to say a special thank you to Linda for her perspective as a birth mom. It means so much to me to get that point of view. Thanks! :)
I agonize over every single aspect of the post placement packets we sent Autumn. They kill me. I choose each picture so carefully - do I include pictures of us with Lily? What about pictures of her with Santa? Would that make Autumn sad or glad to see that we took her to see Santa? What about pictures of her with other family members?
And then there is the letter. Do I say she's the happiest baby I've ever seen? Would she be glad to know that or sad that she can't experience it? Do I just stick to the basics? She's 25 pounds, 30 inches and loves applesauce and oatmeal? I got tears in my eyes just now typing that. How can I sum up in a few lines what this child is all about? It hurts me a little bit that I know more about her than the woman does who carried her for nine months and gave her the awesome gift of life. I wonder if that bothers Autumn, too. Does she resent that I'm the one telling her about Lily? But then, I am her mother. I do know her better than anyone else. I don't feel bad about that, but I do feel a little guilty writing a light-hearted letter than runs down her vital statistics and closes with a "take care" or "hope you guys are well." I have no idea what she's going through - if she's happy or if these letters even get read. They might get put in a drawer or a closet somewhere for a later date. This is something I never thought I would crave so badly - I want to know that she's okay. I wish I could see her face when she sees the gorgeous, happy, drooly girl that I love so much. It makes me want an open adoption so much - but I know it's her decision. She needs to do what is best for her and her family. All I can do is honor her by being the best mom I can be to our girl and keep praying for Autumn and her family.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Post Placement Letters...yet again
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
I'm sorry. :(
I would say that you should include some things about her personality and stuff...I would think that pics with Santa would be nice, or anything that shows regular life with Lily. She IS a happy baby, so it's fine to show her happy.
I don't know what it's like to not have contact, but I do know what it's like to wonder over this stuff...even though I know Rachel and Russ, I wonder if such-and-such a picture is ok, or if I should tell them this or that....when Ava started crawling the first thing I wanted to to was call Rachel, but I saved it to bring it up another time, more casually, feeling like maybe my excitement would make her sad since she wasn't HERE for that.
It's so hard to know what to do. Even if Autumn is "ok" with her decision 100% she may be sad (almost certainly SOMETIMES). But I'm sure she appreciates or will appreciate when the time is right, your updates.
It's all so rough, because becoming a mom makes you realize what it might be like to have to make a decision so hard because it's best for your child. While you might know that whatever is best, it can still hurt.
Sigh. It's a rough road sometimes. And I almost feel guilty even thinking that, because rough road? For ME? I'M the one with the gorgeous daughter I get to enjoy every day!!
You'll do fine, just follow your heart with it. If you love a certain picture of Lily, include it. I really think that the more personality, the better...if it hurts a little, it'll also probably make her day, as well, because if it hurts, it means she cares and probably wants to know, even if it DOES hurt.
Your questions will probably never get answered. Follow your heart & write what you feel you should. You have a huge heart & I'm so proud of you for that. The love you feel for "A" can never be matched or compared. It is unique & almost undescribable. She has to know she chose the right family for baby Lil. :)
You might consider asking Autumn what would be easiest for her. Our DDs firstmom wanted to know all about our excitement and how wonderfully things were going, in great detail.
And although she never answered my questions, DS' firstmom seemed to prefer just the facts. Just to know he was OK.
It's so tough to know...
Like others said, you rarely go wrong when you follow your heart.
Those letters must be so hard to write. I was going to say is there any way you can get feedback as to what Autumn would prefer in terms of how much info and so on.
If it's not possible to ask, following your heart is great advice, as others have said.
Every one person is different, but I can tell you from my perspective. I gave up a little girl in 1996 in an open adoption. M's now 11 and beautiful. And it doesn't hurt. I love hearing how she's doing and we (her mom and I) compare what's genetic and what's environmental influence. (I'm soo blaming the teen years on them! haha) Thinking back to when M was Lily's age, I was really starting to feel healed, the hole started to scab over more every day. I loved hearing about what she'd learned, what she'd accomplished. Now with three daughters of my own, that is one feeling that didn't seem different between M and the daughters I am raising -- that feeling of pride of how smart and beautiful they are. But more than anything, I needed to hear how she is loved by her parents. She lives with her parents...I'm just the train that got her here.
I think it's wonderful you have such concern for her.
I just wanted to say that Linda's comment was so beautiful and thoughtful...I teared up a little reading it, even. :)
Your post echos what goes through my mind every time I send letter. I have L's mom screening my letters & pictures and she is the one that decides if it's appropriate for not but still, it is SO hard.
And Linda, thank you so much for commenting here.
Annsley's birthmother wanted a completely closed adoption with no pictures, letters, nothing at all. It just breaks my heart that she will never see how beautiful her baby girl is and how precious she is to us. On top of that, Annsley looks EXACTLY like her birthmother! I wish Kimberly could see her baby and how she has a little "mini me" running around in this world. But I have to respect her wishes and hope that one day she will change her mind about having no contact with us.
It's funny but before I adopted, I thought I would want a closed adoption. Now, I would give anything in this world for any contact at all with Annsley's birthmother. I love her just like she is a member of our family even though I only got to meet her for about an hour at the hospital almost a year ago!
Laurie
Great post. So many of these questions go through my mind as well.
I know that E's birth mom wants to hear every detail, big or small. I know it must pain her at times, to hear how well E is doing. But, I think she also likes to hear about how much we love her and adore her.
From what I have learned from my birthmom - and I could be wrong - but when we finally corresponded, it gave her so much comfort to hear that I was happy and "normal". She spent so much time feeling guilty and worrying that she had made a mistake, so hearing I was happy was a huge relief to her and confirmed that she made the right choice. Her other fear was that I would hate her for giving me away, so for me to tell her I thought she was the greatest was another huge thing to her.
How much detail you give, is up to you, but I think hearing how precious and happy and what a joy she is, can ONLY be good. It will hurt her maybe, because the whole situation is flat out painful. But I think it might be kinda like how people don't bring up someone after they die for fear of hurting the loved ones - the loved ones are already hurting, so go ahead and talk about it. Does that make sense?
My main advice to you would be just to pray all day before you write a letter, and ask the Holy Spirit to whisper to you exactly what she needs to hear.
You are such a sweet, sweet girl.
xo
Ugh, I can't imagine what you're feeling...or what Autumn's going through for that matter. If I were in your shoes, I'd share all the wonderful things you love about Lily. The pain for Autumn will always be there...this may be a way for her to work through it.
Post a Comment