Going Home

I'm traveling this weekend to see my family. They live about four hours away and are the best people in the world. My mom and my sister are my best friends in the world. I love them so much. I can't wait to see my nephew who I haven't seen since Christmas. He's about 7 months old now and they change so fast around that age.
I'm excited....but...(I hope this all comes out right because I'm not sure how to explain what I'm feeling)...I feel very nervous about going home. Since this entire infertility thing started, I feel incredibly self-conscious being at home. It's like I revert back to being an insecure little girl who doesn't feel good enough. NOBODY there is judgemental. It's absolutely insane. They all love me, and I know that. (and for the record, I have NOT put weight on since Christmas :) )Why do I feel like I'm going to be scrutinized when I get there?

As if my crazy paranoia isn't bad enough, my soon to be sister-in-law's bridal shower in Sat. But, before that begins, I have to go try on my bridesmaid's dress and have it fitted for the wedding. And okay, okay, I may have gained a few pounds since Christmas...the idea of putting on some tight, horrible bridesmaids dress in a bridal shop with mirrors highlighting every little flaw...someone please kill me NOW.

I know this is all in my head. All my clothes still fit. :) My family loves me and wants nothing but to support me during this crazy time. My brother is getting married and I want him to experience the complete joy that I've had in being married. I get to kiss my nephew's chubby cheeks and hear him giggle. I get to talk to my mom about our new possible adoption situations. I get to groan behind closed doors with my sister about our horrible bridesmaids dresses. I get to be with people who know where I come from and who know my history. I love them with all my heart, so why do I feel like I've let them down?