I'm traveling this weekend to see my family. They live about four hours away and are the best people in the world. My mom and my sister are my best friends in the world. I love them so much. I can't wait to see my nephew who I haven't seen since Christmas. He's about 7 months old now and they change so fast around that age.
I'm excited....but...(I hope this all comes out right because I'm not sure how to explain what I'm feeling)...I feel very nervous about going home. Since this entire infertility thing started, I feel incredibly self-conscious being at home. It's like I revert back to being an insecure little girl who doesn't feel good enough. NOBODY there is judgemental. It's absolutely insane. They all love me, and I know that. (and for the record, I have NOT put weight on since Christmas :) )Why do I feel like I'm going to be scrutinized when I get there?
As if my crazy paranoia isn't bad enough, my soon to be sister-in-law's bridal shower in Sat. But, before that begins, I have to go try on my bridesmaid's dress and have it fitted for the wedding. And okay, okay, I may have gained a few pounds since Christmas...the idea of putting on some tight, horrible bridesmaids dress in a bridal shop with mirrors highlighting every little flaw...someone please kill me NOW.
I know this is all in my head. All my clothes still fit. :) My family loves me and wants nothing but to support me during this crazy time. My brother is getting married and I want him to experience the complete joy that I've had in being married. I get to kiss my nephew's chubby cheeks and hear him giggle. I get to talk to my mom about our new possible adoption situations. I get to groan behind closed doors with my sister about our horrible bridesmaids dresses. I get to be with people who know where I come from and who know my history. I love them with all my heart, so why do I feel like I've let them down?
Friday, February 16, 2007
Going Home
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6 comments:
Oh Lord, what women doesn't know these feelings huh? I give you a lot of credit for even trying on the dresses!
I feel the same way some days with my own family. They never judge, they are super supportive and always "there" for us but being the first born is hard and it comes with a certain amount of expectation (even from Myself) I feel that way you describe "letting them down" often. Yet when I feel their hugs and hear their laughter I know I am not alone and I am loved. just like you are.
have a great visit!
You're not crazy...Sometimes I think we are all a little too hard on ourselves.
I hope you have a wonderful time with your family!
I know how you feel about letting family down. That's how I feel. With a gay BIL, an adopted sister-in-law who will likely never have kids or marry, and me being an only child myself, we feel not only the empty space of OUR family but our extended family as well. Especially since this year all of my mother's siblings had new grandchildren, one of them two. :(
At least you know it's ust in your head, and have a family that loves you unconditionally! Aren't we blessed for that? :)
Have fun at home!!
I can't answer that question, but I can tell you that I think I felt EXACTLY the same. I remember going on a girls weekend with them one summer when we were still trying to get pregnant. I sat outside the shops and just cried. I felt like I was too fat to shop with them, like I couldn't talk to them--it was almost like the infertility created a prison that separated me from the people I loved. For me, it got better when we decided to adopt, but there were still some touchy moments.
I guess I just want you to know you're not alone--as you can tell, a lot of us feel that way.
IF takes it's toll. I know many women who won't even go to family showers. They will call at the last minute and say they are sick or they will even plan a trip out of town. It's not unusual the way you feel but I garuntee the only thing they may think about your situation is wishing you the best....if they love you all they do is grieve silently for you.
I feel that way, too. IF has really messed with my head alot. It alienates us so much from society, that I think it carries into other aspects of our lives. Hope you had fun at home with your family and had a wonderful trip!!
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