Small Things

Happy Wednesday! I'm off in about an hour to officially resign from work. I'm so nervous/sad/anxious/excited/relieved. It's so huge. I always knew I'd want to stay home and be with my kids, and I still feel that way. But, it's really hard work! I've always heard women say that and there's no way to understand how it's hard until you're there...and exhausted:) But, so in love! :) Anyway, I'm leaving a huge part of what makes me who I am. I love my students, and I love teaching, but I know there's no way for me to do a great job at home and at work. I put so much of myself into my students, and I know I can't give home 100% if I continue to teach. Anyway, I'm excited to see my kids today, but I'm anxious about officially moving on. I'll still go back to give exams at the end of the year to finish up and say goodbye to everyone, but this is still making it official. It's a big step!

Also, we're quickly approaching another small thing. On Monday, Lily will be one month old! I can't believe it! Time just flies, and she's getting bigger and more fun every day. She's SO expressive! I know I need to post more pictures, but I don't have them on the laptop, so it'll have to be another day. Unfortunately for her, one month old means...SHOTS! Probably more unfortunate for me than her; I'll be devastated and she won't remember:)

One thing not so small, our petition for adoption has been filed! It's one of those legal formalities, but it's full of meaning for us.

Hope all is well for everyone! :)

Baby Shower **with updates**

We had a baby shower for our Lily-bug yesterday. It was so surreal. I thought for so long that I would only attend baby showers. Actually having one of my own was unreal. It was a beautiful, beautiful party for our beautiful girl. I'm starting to get the hang of this mom-business. My mom was here for the weekend, and she got up with Lily all night Sat. night, and it made all the difference for me. Having one night's sleep felt like a vacation to me! :) Lily is SUCH a good girl; she only cries when she's hungry (that's MY girl!), and she's so easy-going.

I want to post something ick, though, that happened yesterday. I have a cousin who brought her sister-in-law to the shower. This girl isn't a very nice person, and I knew that from the beginning, but I didn't want to not include her in our day. However, standing in the kitchen, I had my first horrible "adoption" conversation. Someone made a comment about how tough it was for us to be stuck in a hotel room with a brand new baby so far from all of our friends and family. This girl says (in front of everyone!), "Well, at least you weren't tired." I played it off and said that we were pretty tired after spending two weeks in anticipation of the trip and then spending five days with the birthmom and her family worrying about her well-being. This girl kept going. She said, "That's nothing compared to what giving birth makes you feel like." This may be true; Unfortunately, I'll probably never know that. But, why in the world would you challenge someone like that at her own baby shower for her newly adopted baby? It didn't stop there because I didn't back down from her. I told her very pointedly about the pain and emotion that had gone into our journey and how tired we were from it emotionally. She said even more rudely, "That's nothing compared to how you would've felt if you would've given birth. " She went on to say something about me not being "split in two" and not having been sleepless for a month due to being pregnant. Excuse me? I've been sleepless for MONTHS waiting and waiting for a baby whose location, gender, etc. I had no idea of. I am SURE labor is very difficult, but I really do feel like anyone who has dealt with infertility has been through months, years, etc. of labor. I had many days where I would've welcomed physical labor if it would've meant a baby that day. Again, please don't think I'm diminishing labor; I'm sure it's horrible! :) But, I was so pissed to have to deal with that at my own house for my own baby shower. She makes me want to say bad words! :)

I'm off to bathe my silly Lily. She hates it. Am I a bad mom because I like the way her little cry sounds? It's too cute! Not that I sit and listen to her cry...:) I'm going to stop here.! :)

**Updates: Okay, I have to tell you about the great stuff we got. We got our travel crib, which is great so we can take Lily on adventures), a beautiful swing, cans of formula (so great!), cute clothes, a baby bath tub, and a Build A Bear gift certificate, which I am so excited to use. We're having another shower (woo hoo!) this weekend. We both come from divorced families, so keeping it down to two showers is like a miracle. Also, I want to add to the above that my cousin did not stand up for me. I don't think people know quite what to say in situations like that. I want to start having little snappy retorts to stupid people. I should've said, "Didn't you have epidurals with all three of your babies? I remember you bragging about how easy it was." Stupid girl. I need to bring out my inner catty girl once in awhile! :)***

Just chillin'

:) This picture makes me smile and smile. I love it! I am a whole new woman today! Lily is such a content baby, but we've had her sleeping right next to us for the past two weeks, and I've been a walking zombie. So, last night we put her in her crib. It was awesome! She still ate every three hours, but I didn't wake up a million times with every little noise. I know it has to be a personal choice and it probably depends so much on the baby, but Lily is so calm and content (so far...fingers crossed!!!) that she doesn't mind being laid down in her crib.

Seriously, I'm a whole new woman today! :)

Finally...peace!

Our cat is in love with Lily! :) I was so worried about how she would do with her (silly, I know), but she is so protective and sweet! She sleeps next to Lily's bassinet and likes to sit in our lap with her. I love it!

Tonight we are doing nothing at all and having no visitors over to see Lily. It's the first night in quite some time that we won't have the stress of being in Utah and praying for the adoption to work out, we won't have family or friends staying here with us, and we don't have any work at all to do to prepare for anything upcoming. I am so elated; I can't even tell you! :)

It's really hard to get to know your baby when everyone else is holding her:) I know, it's a great problem to have, but I am very much looking forward to being just our little family of three tonight!

And just so you all know, I'm working on a draft of the letter. I won't be rude or mean, but I don't think I can let go what happened and how we were treated. It may not do any good, but I feel like I should speak up. At least I'll know I said something.

Checking In

Hi guys:) It's felt like so long since I've been on, and I've missed it! Lily had her first doctor's appointment Friday. She is just perfect (like I didn't already know that! :) She's only in the 25th percentile for height and weight, but the doctor said she's perfectly healthy. She's just a tiny little girl! We are so happy with her; every day it seems like she's new.
I wanted to take a few minutes to vent about something. This post has been building up in me since Utah, but I wanted to get some distance before writing it. The hospital where Lily was born was horrible to us. It was an absolute nightmare. I'm not sure if the nurses we dealt with were anti-adoption or what, but their behavior was completely inexcusable. To give you a few examples, even though I had a bracelet, they wouldn't let me see Lily in the nursery. They said "there are nursing mothers in here; you can't come in." I asked to have her brought out to me, and they took more than an hour to do so. We were asked to leave after visiting hours were over even though, again, I had a bracelet that showed me as Lily's mom. The worst part came during discharge. The agency we worked with did 56 adoptions in that hospital last year, so the nurses know everyone from the agency. But, when we went to pick Lily up, they said our social worker didn't have the right credentials (though she did an adoption there the previous week.) The nurse called security on us like we were trying to steal her. I totally understand being cautious, but they had seen us around for two days, they saw us with Autumn, and I had a "mom" bracelet on. Our social worker had to get on the phone with the owner of the agency who had to contact the board at the hospital. It took nearly three hours. We got no samples to take with us, we got absolutely no training or tips on how to care for Lily. They have a video they show new moms, but the nurse said, and I quote, "The baby is my patient, her mom was my patient, and you are not my patient." You would think that since we were caring for Lily that they would want us to know what to do. We didn't get any of her medical records (they said they'd only release them to the agency), we didn't get her first hospital picture, and we didn't get her little hand and foot prints. Those are things that are precious, but that we weren't allowed to have because the idiot nurses didn't consider us her parents, though legally we were by then. We also weren't allowed to come to get Lily before 10:00 am because the nurses had "10 new moms to discharge before we get to you." It was insulting, horrible, and so hurtful. These are just a few of the many issues we had in just two days time. I understand people's issues with adoption because I really do think that some women give babies up due to agency coercion. However, that was not our situation.
Is it worth filing a complaint about this? I felt so strongly about writing a letter before we got home, but now that we're home I almost want to just let it go. But, I also don't want people to get away with being so horrible to other people. Thoughts?
I am so anxious to get back to reading everyone's blogs! I feel so out of the loop! :)

We're outta here!

We got the okay this morning to hit the road! Our ICPC has cleared and we're now scrambling for flights. I am SO excited to get Lily home and introduce her to her new family. Keep us in your good thoughts and prayers...and newborn on a plane is a scary thing to me! :)

Our Easter Lily :)

Isn't she so beautiful? I keep forgetting to post her stats, and I keep getting questions about them:) She was 6 lbs 14 oz and 18 inches long when she was born. She's doing SO well! She eats like a champ and sleeps really well. I have to ask those of you who have been through this stage of motherhood, how in the world did you deal with the umbilical cord? :) It scares me! I know all new moms get paranoid, and this is my paranoia. I worry so much about it, and I just want it to come off! :)

My mom flew back home today, which was really sad. It was so much fun sharing these first few days of Lily's life with her. We heard from the agency today, and we may get to home as early as tomorrow!!! It will probably be Wed, though, more realistically. I can't WAIT to start a normal life out of a hotel room! :)

I'm off to drink more coffee...a new mom's best friend!

Birth Mothers

My heart is physically hurting right now. I was one of those pre-adoptive parents who thought they wanted nothing to do with a "birthmom." A called tonight to say goodbye because she leaves tomorrow morning to fly back home. I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself. She is the most amazing person I have ever known. I hate that I won't be able to talk with her anymore. We're sending pictures, and originally, she didn't want letters, but I hope that she'll read the ones I send the agency and respond. She said tonight that she would. Words are too trite to express the emotion I feel right now. For a few moments, I shared a beautiful daughter with her. She told me tonight she feels complete peace about her decision. She was honest about the pain, but she said the experience as a whole has been "one of life's great memories." I have tears literally rolling down my cheeks right now. I felt like blogging about it and having a record of how I feel and what this wonderful woman has done cements forever this second of my life.

I promise a detailed baby post soon (have I mentioned yet that this child is a genius?:) ), but for now I wanted to take a moment to celebrate and grieve for A.

We survived our first night! :)

My little burrito! Oh, you guys, I am so sleepy! :) Lily is a really sweet baby so far. She eats every 2-3 hours, has diaper changes about an hour after she eats, and never cries unless she's hungry. She loves to snuggle right under my chin so she can hear my heartbeat. I never ever thought I'd be a girl who counts dirty diapers. Or who gets so proud when her little girl gives a good burp after a bottle. We had plans to go out for a nice, "romantic" dinner the night before Lily came home from the hospital. We were there with her until around 8, looked at each other and said, "Do you really want to go out? No? Neither do I." And we stayed with her in the hospital until after 10. It's automatic.

I worried so much that I wouldn't bond or love a baby who wasn't "mine." I know that's a common fear in adoption. Let me just say that there is no possible way any person could love their child more than I love my girl. I think, in a way, because of infertility, some of us are more able to love freely whatever baby comes to us regardless of how they come. She is mine. I am her mom. She stares at me when I feed her. She calms down instantly when I lay her on my chest and let her hear my heartbeat. THIS is what life is all about.

It seems a common sentiment in many infertiles who finally become pregnant or who finally adopt their baby: guilt. I feel a touch guilty in posting baby pictures and talking about motherhood. But, I hope that instead of making anyone sad, it shows you that it will happen. We went through total hell before finding our Lily, and I would do it all over again and then some because she was meant for us.

I am a sappy mess...I'm sleepy...I haven't been out of sweats in three days...and I love it. AND my mom is flying out here this afternoon. I can't wait to show my baby off!!

Oh, a few of you have asked about agency info, I am more than happy to share with you the fantastic, compassionate agency we worked with. Leave your email in the comment section, and I'll email you back as soon as I can.

I have a daughter!

Lily Grace became ours today at 1:00. I can't believe it. There were times in the not so distant past that I questioned whether or not I'd ever be a mom. And now I am. I can't put into words how it feels to hold my beautiful girl. I am the most blessed person in the world. I promise I will post a long summary of events, but I had to leave the hospital to post (that's dedication!), and I want to get back to her. She will be released tomorrow morning, so then I'll have TONS of hotel time to post. Thank you all for the prayers, support, and good vibes. I'm sitting here crying like a crazy person just typing that. You mean so much to me!

She's here!!!!

I only had a minute, but I really wanted to share with you guys. The baby was born this morning at 9:33. A was amazing!! She was induced and was only in labor for 1 1/2 hours. She pushed for four minutes and there the baby was! We have had the most beautiful day. A's boyfriend came out to get us and said, "Come meet your daughter." I lost it. A was holding her when we went back and she handed her straight to me. It was one of the most poignant moments I've ever experienced. I got to feed her the first bottle. We spend the entire afternoon talking about adoption and what's good and tough about it. We talked about A's past and why she's truly placing this baby. She was open and honest about how she feels, and I can't tell you how amazing she is. I know nothing is final until signing tomorrow at noon, but A called us the baby's mom and dad. She told me that the baby is most peaceful when I'm holding her. She told us that she has loved spending time with us and that she knows the baby will have a great home. I can't tell you what those words have meant. I have to keep myself grounded because I know that we still have to wait until tomorrow, but this day has been unreal. I can't even find words to describe how I feel. A little nervous and hesitant still. I want to kiss the baby and look at her little feet, but I know it's not my turn to do that yet. Thank you for the continued support! If all goes well, my next post will have pictures!! :)

Last Post Before Birth

It looks like A will make it to her induction tomorrow. I'm really shocked! :) We go to the hospital tomorrow morning at 8. I will try to update as soon as I can, but tomorrow will be really emotional and nuts. She will sign exactly 24 hours after the birth. I'm terrified. I am so scared to hold the baby, but I also can't wait to see her. It's the strangest thing I've ever experienced.
Hopefully things will be very smooth and I'll posting soon! :)