We had a baby shower for our Lily-bug yesterday. It was so surreal. I thought for so long that I would only attend baby showers. Actually having one of my own was unreal. It was a beautiful, beautiful party for our beautiful girl. I'm starting to get the hang of this mom-business. My mom was here for the weekend, and she got up with Lily all night Sat. night, and it made all the difference for me. Having one night's sleep felt like a vacation to me! :) Lily is SUCH a good girl; she only cries when she's hungry (that's MY girl!), and she's so easy-going.
I want to post something ick, though, that happened yesterday. I have a cousin who brought her sister-in-law to the shower. This girl isn't a very nice person, and I knew that from the beginning, but I didn't want to not include her in our day. However, standing in the kitchen, I had my first horrible "adoption" conversation. Someone made a comment about how tough it was for us to be stuck in a hotel room with a brand new baby so far from all of our friends and family. This girl says (in front of everyone!), "Well, at least you weren't tired." I played it off and said that we were pretty tired after spending two weeks in anticipation of the trip and then spending five days with the birthmom and her family worrying about her well-being. This girl kept going. She said, "That's nothing compared to what giving birth makes you feel like." This may be true; Unfortunately, I'll probably never know that. But, why in the world would you challenge someone like that at her own baby shower for her newly adopted baby? It didn't stop there because I didn't back down from her. I told her very pointedly about the pain and emotion that had gone into our journey and how tired we were from it emotionally. She said even more rudely, "That's nothing compared to how you would've felt if you would've given birth. " She went on to say something about me not being "split in two" and not having been sleepless for a month due to being pregnant. Excuse me? I've been sleepless for MONTHS waiting and waiting for a baby whose location, gender, etc. I had no idea of. I am SURE labor is very difficult, but I really do feel like anyone who has dealt with infertility has been through months, years, etc. of labor. I had many days where I would've welcomed physical labor if it would've meant a baby that day. Again, please don't think I'm diminishing labor; I'm sure it's horrible! :) But, I was so pissed to have to deal with that at my own house for my own baby shower. She makes me want to say bad words! :)
I'm off to bathe my silly Lily. She hates it. Am I a bad mom because I like the way her little cry sounds? It's too cute! Not that I sit and listen to her cry...:) I'm going to stop here.! :)
**Updates: Okay, I have to tell you about the great stuff we got. We got our travel crib, which is great so we can take Lily on adventures), a beautiful swing, cans of formula (so great!), cute clothes, a baby bath tub, and a Build A Bear gift certificate, which I am so excited to use. We're having another shower (woo hoo!) this weekend. We both come from divorced families, so keeping it down to two showers is like a miracle. Also, I want to add to the above that my cousin did not stand up for me. I don't think people know quite what to say in situations like that. I want to start having little snappy retorts to stupid people. I should've said, "Didn't you have epidurals with all three of your babies? I remember you bragging about how easy it was." Stupid girl. I need to bring out my inner catty girl once in awhile! :)***
Monday, April 23, 2007
Baby Shower **with updates**
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25 comments:
For people like you ( and I) who have been struggling with infertility, I feel that it is a pretty low blow from this person. We are not choosing adoption because we don't want to feel tired or don't want the pain of labor. Her reaction shows yet another person with a lack of sensitivity for people's personal journey. You have every right to have felt emotionally and physically tired. I am glad you stood up and spoke out!
Having been through both physical labor with my two bio daughters and emotional labor with my adopted daughter, I can tell you adoption is MUCH more tiring! People have made some really insensitive remarks to me as well but I have just learned to blow them off. They are just ignorant to what we have been through and really should just learn to keep their mouths shut:)
I am so glad that you got to have your baby shower! That daughter of yours is just gorgeous and she is so lucky to have you for her mommy!
Laurie
That just goes to show what and idiot that girl is. I've had 3 children by c-section and its exhausting for sure. labour for 17+ hours for 2 of them and 4+ hours for the last before my surgery. So of course I would be tired. But my husband stood by my side the entire time and and he was just as tired as me...if not more. its emotionally draining watching someone you care for in pain and the emotional highs of child birth/receiving a child are incredible. In ANYTHING there's an adrenalin rush, and then a crash. Add hours upon hours of lack of sleep its bound to happen. Even without the physical labour.
I'm an adopted child. And trust me, when your child grows up, she'll be able to speak so calmly and knowledgeably about adoption that at 8 years old she'll make adults feels silly for making such ignorant comments.
Just know that not all fertiles have their heads stuck that far up their bums. You enjoy your baby. And congratulations on YOUR baby shower. I hope you felt like a queen!!
Alex
Grrrr.... lemme know when I can slap her for ya.
Congrats on the shower tho. It's emotional, that's for sure. And sureal. And so much fricken fun!
I've got token responses for those things. "Yeah, I wish I could have experienced that kind of tired instead." And WALK AWAY. (And say not nice things about the person who said it. That makes me feel better.) Shame on her for taking ANY joy away from your shower.
Congratulations again! We want more Lily pictures! What a beautiful baby YOU have.
How fun, the shower.
I'm sorry that girl was like that. What a jerk she is (well, she's worse, but I decided to be nice). She has NO IDEA what it's like to be in YOUR shoes. I know some folks like that too, who think it's easy peasy to adopt- that our "labor" is so easy - and they have no freaking clue.
Anyway, try not to let it take away from the thoughts of the wonderful day you had.
I'm glad you had a wonderful shower party celebrating you and your baby.
That woman makes ME mad, and I'm just reading about it. How awful. People can be so cruel out of their own ignorance.
Never mind her, you enjoy your silly Lily! (Loved that line.)
Grrr! Just reading that line makes me mad for you.
Why would someone SAY that, especially at a day to honor YOU and Lily!!!
PS- On a happier note---we want to hear about what kind of presents did you receive at your shower! I want to hear all about it!
Did you register before or after Lily came home?
I am beyond Irate for you!!!! I can't believe the nerve of that woman! Did your cousin stand up for you?
Ignore, ignore, ignore (okay, I know it gets under your skin and it's impossible to ignore) people like that. They don't get it. They never will.
First for that horrible women, ICK isn't close to what I want to say about her. But like you I won't use bad words. Her opinion and view is just hurtful and wrong.
your shower sounded fun and you sound so happy. I love that, I love that Lily is making us "feel" your smile. I think you're a terrific mom.
:)
Rude thing to say, I doubt it really had anything to do with you adopting though. Some people just love to show how much more they've suffered than others, you are taking it very personally because you are sensitive about that. She'd probably say the same to someone who she felt had an "easy" labor (yes, there is such a thing!)
Yeah that was a pretty tactless comment on her behalf. Good for you for standing up to her. Just know that there will be more comments to come from family members who are not "adoption smart". My baby is almost 5 months old and I still have relatives asking me about his "mom". "Well I am his mom, are you asking about his birthmom"...thats usually how I answer them. It used to upset me so badly, but I've learned to just have thicker skin now. There was on comment made by my aunt when my baby was only 6 days old, and 4 months later it still bugs me. She told me straight up, "They sold you that baby, thats a shame."
People like that are Joy Robbers. Don't allow anyone to steal your joy. I have adopted three children and am getting ready to give birth to my first miracle baby after thirteen years of infertilty. Don't give up hope.
Ignorance is bliss, sweetie. And ignorant she is. Obviously she's one who doesn't think before opening her big mouth. :) I hope she gave you a really decent baby gift! LOL! ;)
Fun...showers! We had two showers given by our Sunday School class. The showers were so incredibly sweet! Enjoy! :)
That girl was a total nasty thing, and she sounds like a miserable person who wants to make everyone else miserable.
Back when we started the adoption process I had to take our adoption paperwork to our doctor's office, to get them to fill out the health pages, and the front office lady (that we've always really liked) made a VERY insensitive comment about adopting. It was something like "You won't have to worry about labor/you'll have it easy." I can't remember it exactly now, but at the time I was MAD and very hurt. That was my first taste of ignorant adoption comments. After awhile, I just let it go and forgave her for that comment. I figured she wasn't trying to be mean, and she may have thought she was saying something in a positive way...so that I'd be happy not to have to go through labor.
Some things you have to let go, and others (like your situation), you have to stand up. I'm glad you said what you said, even if the girl was still flapping her mouth. She just made herself look like an...idiot. I won't put what I want to say...let's just say it's an animal like a horse ;)
I'm glad that you had a wonderful shower and had so much fun! Lily is SO cute! She really is blessed to have a mom like you too!
Talk about ignorance, insensitivity, and just plain freakin' stupidity.
Yay, for Alex who spoke up over there. Good call!
You go and love on your little Lily, she was worth every second of your labor!
Rock on sister! You tell 'em. I love that you go through pregnancy in a finite period of time. It sucks to be sure but has it's own rewards and special moments too. This adoption wait is just grinding my health and soul down. Well not every day. Just today. 2 years and counting! Our latest BM is distancing herself with only 60 days until the baby is due. I guess we will probably lose this opportunity too. While I want her and the baby to be healthy and happy and ultimately together...I also would like to be a mother. So yeah - the adoption pain is worse!
It makes me sick to think about how ignorant and insensitive people can be. I think you handled it very well. If I were in your shoes, I would have made her leave. You're so much nicer than I am!
On the bright side, it sounds like your shower was a hit! I hope you post some pics of your new treasures...
Shoot! I wanted to say that physical labor is NOTHING compared to the emotional labor of infertility and adoption. Unfortunately, infertility leaves you with emotional scars that may never be healed...even with your baby finally in your arms.
Oh homegirl would have gotten CURSED OUT! Please!
Just happened by your site and wanted to first of all say congratulations on your beautiful little girl, and secondly to offer sympathy regarding the thoughtless comments! Blessings to your beautiful family.
I am truly sorry you had to go through that anytime but especially at a time of celebrating finally, the arrival of your daughter. Good for you for speaking up. It's sad that we think we have to come up with some firey retort, but I too, cannot remain silent when there are people who beg for some insight into what other's might be experiencing. I have loved reading about the arrival of your daughter these last few weeks!
Happy MONTHday!!!
I wrote about this on my blog, shortly after our son came home... http://canonlyimagine.blogspot.com/2006/06/easy-way.html
You are gonna get really, really good at handling rude adoption comments but here is what I think you should say if this ever happens again.
"Oh, girl, I was in labor for four (or however many) years. With NO DRUGS. You need any more punch?"
;)
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