I don't want to get defensive, but I want to reply to a comment posted by "Just me" on the last post asking if I just want "any" baby or if I want a good, ethical situation. I'm a total wimp, and maybe I'm not reading that the right way, but that feels harsh to me. I DO want a good, ethical situation, but this blog is mostly for me to be able to vent. I'm not frustrated that I don't just have any baby yet. I'm frustrated that the people I have paid hard earned money to haven't done their jobs. I understand that there are MANY birthmoms who do and SHOULD parent their babies. But, that doesn't make it hurt less. This blog is for me and for my feelings. I feel pain that I'm not a mom yet. I feel frustration that I'm not physically able to give birth to a child. It's discouraging that we keep missing out on potential situations, but that doesn't mean I want a baby at any cost. I don't want this at the expense of anyone else, but my pain and our journey is what I blog about.
I totally understand what you posted about God having more in store for me than just having a child. I feel like I have already grown so much through this entire process, but I've also experienced a great deal of pain and loss that isn't easy to handle. Being a potential adoptive parent, I feel like we're often painted as the bad guy who is taking a child from his/her "real" parents. I'm not that person. You did an awesome job with your potential birthmoms, and I know you have an amazing relationship with your baby's birthmom. I'm just trying to find my way through this journey the best way I can. I feel judged often by my decisions regarding adoption and hurt very much by what people think or say. I pray that I'm doing what God wants me to do, and I know I've been protected by Him on the way. But, my pain is real, and the disappointment is real. I will be a great mother, and very often, I ache for a baby. This blog is about that.
I may just be WAY too sensitive, and please don't let this cause too much trouble, but I did want to address the question. I hope this has all come out right and that the feelings behind it (NO anger or sarcasm or snarkiness, just some sadness and a hope to convey what I feel) have come through. (I've just spend the last 30 min. agonizing over every word of this hoping that I don't offend anyone...I'm a total loser.) :)
Saturday, March 3, 2007
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10 comments:
I can't imagine how hard it is to wait patiently for a phone call to learn that you will finally be mom.
I will be praying for you and your baby. Because I believe (and I'm sure you do too) that your baby is out there, it just so HARD waiting for him or her. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs to you.
You don't have to apologize to anyone.
Adoptive parents are people, too. I feel like sometimes, in the adoption process, we're the ones who don't matter.
We do. Everyone else, too, but US, too.
I'm sorry, I was a little harsh. It has been a tough "adoption" week for me. I've been dealing with WAY to many people who have been interested in buying babies and looking toward unethical adoptions.
However I do think that as adoptive parents we can NEVER work to hard for an ethical adoption. Especially as Christians because our example is the example of Christ himself.
I know how you feel waiting on a child. I once waited on mine too. We went through years of infertility, miscarriage, loss, failed placement, turning down a placement, and finally our daughter came to us. I know the pain and heartbreak and emotion that goes into all of that.
I also know that if you later find out that your agency, or your lawyers operated in an unethical fashion you will be mortified. How would you feel if later down the road you find out that your lawyer was coercing a woman into placing, just to earn his paycheck? I'm sure that it would kill you, knowing that she made the choice while being pressured and pushed into a decision she wasn't ready to, or needed to make.
I push for ethics and try to educate people about adoption not only for the sake of birthparents, but also for the sake of ADOPTIVE parents. We would suffer much less heartache, failed placements and guilt if we knew that we were adopting in an ethical fashion.
I don't know your story beyond just one post I read, I should take the time and go back and read more. I'm not saying this to chastize you in any way, I'm saying this to ALL potential adoptive parents out there. Especially those that have not examined the ethical side beyond what your agency told you.
You sound like a sweet spirit, and I'm sorry that I sometimes come across as harsh. I'm truly not a harsh person. I'm very soft hearted and tender. But I'm also passionate and always looking for ways to make people, myself included, think and work harder for a more ethical just world.
Thank you for pointing out that I was harsh and reminding me that I need to calm down. It isn't easy to be on the adoption path and want a child to love more than anything. I know how that feels.
You don't know me but I read your blog regularly. My husband and I may be in a situation where adoption might be our only option to have a baby. I read your blog for inspiration and to learn from what you are going through. My heart broke for you when the situation a little while ago fell through. Please stay honest. This is your release and we are just bystanders hoping to learn from you. Please don't take any negative comments to heart. I truly hope you have your son or daughter in your arms very soon.
Diana www.babytwiglet.blogspot.com
I'm right there with Diana. You have inspired me to stay strong and continue on this difficult path of infertility. I look forward to reading more about your journey.
http://angierich.blogspot.com/
Hi dear Katd- I was surprised to see that comment too, since I feel I "Know" you a little bit from your blog....and nothing has ever given me the idea that you'd ever pursue an unethical situation. Hugs!
Sometimes people don't realize how they sound and typed words can be different(I know I've deleted comments), but the blog is YOUR place to vent and spew out your feelings. Remember you have the freedom to delete! This is your blog to talk about whatever you want. I personally enjoy your blog and I'm right there w/you feeling your pain and your joy.
No, you're not a loser! :) Sometimes it's hard to express yourself freely, and still try to be careful about being sensitive to ... oh... everyone!
I'm very sorry about how your adoption plans have been going (or not going lately). Hang in there!
(Thank you for commenting on my blog, by the way. I'm glad to have found yours!)
I was looking at someone else's blog and saw a link to yours. I am SO glad that I found your blog today!
I can't tell you how much it helps to read your posts! I feel like someone else out there TRULY understands what I'm going through! My heart aches for you and for the ups and downs.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad for what you're feeling and going through! You're human and adoption is a HARD thing to go through!
Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences in this blog! You're awesome!
If you read the adoption blogs, birthmother blogs or adoptee blogs you will have 1000 different views...mostly harsh. People with good lives and good circumbstances don't really blog. I have vowed to be a happy joyous light in a world of bad, bitter blogs. I am an adoptee and an adopted mom. You have seen my blog and thank you for visiting. I hope I show you there are happy people out there...scan through and see the post about the #s of adoptees and you will notice the small % of unhappy adoptees in the blog world - anyway, there is nothing wrong with saying you want an ethical situation, you want a caucasion (or whatever race the person is adopting), healthy baby. Although none of us would probably wind up with the ideal situation, there are people who are called to adopt from different countries, older children, children with disabilities. I was not called (nor equipt mentally) to adopt a child with a harsh background, with a troubled past and a horrible biomom situation. We prayed that God would open up just the right door and He did. I will have those that say "shame on you" but I don't care. That is between me and God....this adoption is between you and God.....He always does the right thing - even if it's different than what we thought we wanted....it will always be right in the end.
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