I took the tags off of some of the more gender neutral baby clothes we have last night, and I washed them. I cried off and on the entire time. Definitely not the reaction I thought I would have. This is going to be incredibly un-politically correct of me, but I am terrified our potential birthmom will change her mind. On all the adoption boards, they'd jump all over me for saying that and tell me it's her baby until the revocation period is up and that it's never a failure when a woman chooses to parent her child. I know all that. It's another thing entirely to have gone through the incredible pain of infertility and to FINALLY have hope that a baby is on its way.
I know how important it is that birth families have rights and are treated with respect and love. At the same time, this isn't the first time most of us have been faced with the possible loss of all hope. There has to be a balance between compassion for the potential birth family and for the adoptive family.
I'm not sure where this is coming from; I suppose because the due date is approaching, and I'm starting to do concrete things to get ready. Nothing has happened to indicate that A will change her mind, so all this worry is truly unfounded, but I can't seem to stop myself from it. How do you continue to protect your heart?
How do teenagers get pregnant and have children so easily? :)
Friday, January 12, 2007
Crying during laundry
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11 comments:
Katd, you are TOTALLY human for feeling that way. I have not been in that exact situation but I am sure I will be (hopefully soon) Hang in there. If this child is truely meant to be your child it will be. Just keep you faith. Lean on dh and hang on for the ride. Hopefully it will be over soon!
C'mon! Don't be so hard on yourself. It is perfectly natural to feel frightened of the possibility that the birthmother may decide to parent. You know that you don't have to feel guilty about that. Celebrate that you cut the tags off. The baby is coming, your baby is coming, and though there is a chance that this baby may not be it, you will have a child no matter.
You guys are right, I know. Sometimes, I guess, we're all entitled to our down moments. I'll have to lean on dh...maybe if I lean heavily enough, he'll start picking up after himself...I hope he reads this:) Thanks, girls! :)
This is the first time I've seen your blog (linked thru your comment on my blog) and I just wanted to lend some support.
I totally understand the feelings of doubt and worry. And you are right, after all the pain & loss we deal with during IF, it's hard to not see the potential for it again. And really, until the BM signs over the baby, you will be on edge, no matter what she says/does to re-assure you.
All I can say is hang in there. I dont know what I would have done if our BM had changed her mind but the 24 hrs she went missing was the worst. In the end, it worked out and I'll say a prayer that it works out for you guys.
Congrats on the match!!!
No, you're not bad at all for feeling like you do. You're not saying you don't want her to parent, you're saying you don't want to be hurt again. No one can blame you for not wanting to be hurt again (just like no one can blame her for choosing to parent).
This adoption thing is TOUGH!
How can teenagers have babies so easily? Because they CAN. Thankfully, they don't realize that there are people who CANNOT have children easily. And if they realize that, they are living the teenage anthem of "It can't happen to me."
I think you showed great bravery in admitting what most of us are feeling.
I don't know how you protect your heart and how you don't become emotionally involved. It's the worst wait in the world because you want to parent so badly and you want what is best for this child. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have these fears.
I just found your blog and wanted to say that I wish you all the best. You seem to be an incredible compassionate person, and I'm sure you'll make a great mom.
As we start our first IVF cycle, I am beginning to consider other family building options. I look forward to your story unfolding!!!
GOOD LUCK!!!
I have no clue how to protect your heart. When you find out, let me know too!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with hoping and praying with all your might that the birthmother doesn't change her mind! Honestly, all the "respect the birthmother" stuff on the boards gets so melodramatic and blown out of proportion.
Our birthmother chose adoption. She called the agency. She picked us. She signed the papers. She needed this adoption to work out as much as we did. I love her for making that hard choice, but I don't spend my days feeling guilty that she isn't spending her days with the baby she gave birth to. It was her choice.
Holding a good thought for you! I've so been there!
Patti
http://redvelvetcake.typepad.com
You have been tagged over on my blog.
I think that, after suffering through infertility, it's nearly impossible to have the rosy view that it's all going to work out and you're going to come home with a baby.
So yeah. Don't be so hard on yourself, hon. None of this is easy.
I will continue to be hoping that you're nearing the end of your wait. Hang in there!
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