Isn't it weird to feel like you miss something you don't yet have? I don't know if the baby due in a week is meant for us, but I do know that our baby is out there somewhere. I think the worst part of all of this is the longing for a baby who may or may not already be conceived. Our baby might be out there right now giving his/her birthmom little kicks. He/She may be days away from birth or may be newly conceived.
I was ALWAYS the kid at summer camp who missed home. I love being at home. I hate leaving for work some mornings because I feel homesick. Yes, I'm a grown woman:) I feel that way about our baby. My heart and my arms seriously ache at times. I want to hold my child. I wish I could be the one to keep him/her warm and safe in utero. I hate that our future child may be subjected to drugs in the womb. When I was trying to get pregnant, I didn't even want to get too close to the gas pump because I didn't want to inhale the fumes.
I have moments where I want to scream at the complete injustice.
This post is quite a downer. I'll end with an upbeat note...I have a piece of Ghirardelli chocolate hiding in my desk. I'm going to eat it right now! :)
Monday, January 29, 2007
Homesick
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5 comments:
I am sorry to hear that the suspense continues!! Please know that your friends in the computer care, and we are cheering you on!
You are so right about the complete injustice of infertility! I just don't understand it and I guess I never will. I was wondering how long your agency said to give it with this birthmother until you can move on and try to match with someone else? Are you financially locked in with your current agency or are you free to go elsewhere?
Laurie,
To respond to your questions (I hope you check this:), they want us to wait until at least the due date. They recommended giving at least two weeks after that, but I'm not sure I can handle that. We aren't locked in with them at all; we had that added in to our contract. Any recommendations for agencies are MUCH appreciated! :)
K
I call it screaming at lifes inequities and I don't think it's weird at all. I remember last year when we backed out of our birth mother match I felt such grief. We had only been matched for about 3 weeks, but I grieved for that baby (& still do, the baby was born drug dependent). I do think that aside of the never ending waiting, the total lack of control is probably the most frustrating aspect of this whole journey. You're on my prayer list.
I just found your blog. I can't stop reading. :)
I hope you know something soon.
I've felt like you so often. That it SUCKS that my baby might be inhaling smoke from cig's and marijuana RIGHT NOW. That he or she might be born early and have developmental delays because I can't be the one to nurture him/er in the womb. But what are we going to DO about it?
Just keep breathing, I guess.
I hope you know something, and SOON. The suspense (for me) is pretty much the worst part.
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