It's like pulling a band-aid off. It would've been so much better to have just had our situation disrupt outright. The worst part was the waiting and knowing in my heart that it wasn't going to happen, but still holding out a tiny bit of hope that no person could be so heartless to have gone to an adoption agency, filled out paperwork, asked to be matched with family and to be given some expenses and then never contact them again. Why not just call and say you changed your mind?
But, now that it's over, I truly feel so much better. There is a sense of enormous relief in being out of a situation that was so harmful to me emotionally. I'm excited to be back out there and looking for a new match. We contacted all the agencies who have our profile and got put back on active status. I have to keep the faith that we won't wait forever for a new match. I want to have that feeling like I did in the beginning of all of this that I could be a mom at any moment.
My biggest complaint right now is agency fees. We are being shown at a certain agency who charges a flat fee of $35,000 for a Caucasian newborn. What kind of ridiculousness is that? We're open to any gender, ethnicity, some drug use, etc. and you'd think people would just want to find tiny little babies good homes. Not true; they want to do that, but they want to drive a BMW around while they do. They prey on people like me. People who have had disruptions or years of fertility treatments and would do just about anything, including writing a big fat check where the agency makes 25,000, the birth mom gets 4,000, and the lawyers get 6,000 just so I can bring a baby home and stop all this insanity.
I'm getting all worked up:) Okay, truly I am feeling so much better today and I thank you guys so much for your support. I say that every post now, but I can't tell you how much it's lifted us up.
So, it's the weekend...any big plans?
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Feeling good
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10 comments:
I'm so sorry this didn't work out. I've never been matched yet, but I can imagine the heartache and dissappointment is really overwhelming. You seem to be dealing with it extremely well!!
I totally agree about agency fees - they are outrageous. Our agency recently told us that they have had to up their screening process for birthmoms because the number of scammers has increased. It's so sad. And, yes I agree it's much harder to adopt than the general public believes! Hang in there and hope you have some fun weekend plans...
I'm glad that putting this match to rest has given you some closure...and some excitement for the future!!
$35,000 seems NUTS! Our agency does fees on a per-case basis, but the most I've ever been told is likt $20,000 and that's with the lawyer AND with birthing expenses!! Geesh!
Still, I'm with you...it seems a lot like an as* raping to me! But people have to make a living, I guess, even if they ARE trying to find babies homes. (But 35,000....yeah.)
Hope your weekend is stress-free and you get another call about a match sooner than you'd expect!!
I wish that the biological mother would have had the courage to tell the agency that she has decided to parent. Although I do understand how intimadating it must be for her. The agency wants her to place because they make money. If she showed up and said she wanted to parent, they probably would try to change her mind. That's a lot of pressure to deal with. Deciding to parent isn't a terrible thing to decide to do. She has every right. However, it would have been really nice if you were made aware of her decision. That way you could move on, and not wait around biting your nails. (Oh, and 35K seems a little crazy! However, if it builds your family and makes your dreams come true, it's worth every penny.)
It is heartbreaking when you learn that adoption is a money making business just like anything else. Those rose colored glasses that grow when we watch The Adoption Story on TLC get violently ripped off. My agency did a similar procedure as Chelsi's. After our scam last year they instigated a whole now checking protocol which makes it take longer for birth mothers to sign up with the agency. I'm glad your feeling some closure and that the two of you are able to get started again. It took us a long time to emotionally heal.
I am so sorry. With all the emotions that go along with a match... I can't imagine the rug being pulled out from under you like that. I could say all the things like "well it wasn't meant to be" or any other phrase meant to be helpful but it really does just suck...doesn't it?
As far as the fee - I kept asking where all the money goes...they explained it a few times but I think we are all so intersted in a match and are at the point where we take out loans and sell off body parts. ARG...the industry needs some reform....
I'm glad you're in a better space. And I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I hope you regain that optimism you felt in the beginning--it sounds like you're well on your way.
I'm sorry the match didn't work out but glad you guys are moving on. I didn't realise your agency had already given her some $$.
I would've loved to have gotten away with paying only $35,000 for our adoption. We were WELL over that mark and because we were from Canada, we had expenses up here too. All in all, not including our travel, we'll crest $60k CAD. But I dont ever think of that when I hold Sweet Pea. It never crossed my mind at all.
Hope a new match is found fast!!
Thinking of you! Glad you are moving on.
This whole scenario really makes me question your agency a bit. Why did they "match" a potential birthmother whom they had only met once? Is that typical? I will have to go through my archives, I can't remember if you had met the potential birth mom in the past, not that it matters now. It just makes me wonder about your agency...
At least you are moving on!!
It sounds like you have been through some very emotional times and man are you dealing with them so well!
I cant believe an agency would charge so much money just for a certain ethnicity baby. That is crazy to me. We got lucky, our agency does their fees on an income scale.
I hope you find your new match soon. You are in my thoughts.
Glad that you've gotten yourself a new plan. I am so sorry that this all happened the way it did. I am also disturbed by the going rates based on ethnicity of children, I can't imagine thinking that one child is less deserving base on the color of their skin. I am hispanic and I have talked with adoption professionals that actually said that was a plus for me because the "program" to adopt for hispanics was less costly. I was sickened!
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