My good blog pal, GLouise, posted recently about an article found in the LA Times regarding Open Adoption. Before I even get into my thoughts on it, I'm going to link it so you can read for yourself.
Link One
Link Two
Now that you've read it, if you're a prospective adoptive parent you're probably freaked out, and if you're an adoptive parent, you may just be as frustrated as I am. All parents are advocates for their kids. It's an especially tricky path to navigate at times in dealing with adoption. As you know, our adoption is semi-private meaning we do pictures and letters. That is by Autumn's request. If she wanted to see us, I'd be on the first flight. Maybe someday she will.
In reading the article, especially the horribly skewed stats at the end, I can't help but feel that we've all been portrayed incorrectly yet again. I know the reporter did TONS of research on this specific case. I do not doubt that Kendall struggled in dealing with her birth and adoptive mothers. BUT, pinning the blame on the adoption itself is completely wrong. She had a mother-figure in and out of her life for her entire childhood. There were spans of time where her birthmom was completely gone without a word. She didn't call when she said she would and she missed big events she said she'd come to. ANY child with a parental figure who behaves that way might have issues stemming from childhood, in my ever so humble opinion.
Also, the stats at the end....you can skew statistics to say whatever you want them to say. We have no idea what their full study group looks like. Our homestudy was excellent in debunking adoption myths; our social worker just emailed me after reading the article and stated,"one reason it appears that adopted children may have more needs, emotionally and developmentally is that adoptive parents tend to make more money and are more likely to see that if their children have problems they will definitely seek help vs. lower income families who may not have the resources to seek help for their children's problems." Now about the more money bit...well, that's not us :) But, I do agree that as adoptive parents and as people who have endured infertility (for the most part) we are maybe more sensitive to any emotional issues that may arise.
I have one more point to make, and it's not the most "politically correct" thing I've ever said. And I hope very much that it's taken the right way. Birthmoms are amazing, and I am NOT stereotyping; I am sharing my own personal experience. Our first match that fell through was a baby who would've most likely been born addicted to cocaine because his mom was using. I know most birthmoms do NOT use drugs, but I am saying that in that specific situation, if we would have had to eventually have that baby treated for any sort of behavior or emotional disorder or any special need, would it be because he was adopted? Or maybe, just maybe could it be because of the prenatal exposure to cocaine? I DO feel that in saying that 41% of people adopted as infants need therapy for emotional issues and 24% need special education, the extenuating circumstances need to be known (NOT necessarily drug use)! Adoption does not equal a need for special education!
I guess my entire point is that I just wish for once that an article would be done that portrayed adoption in a positive light. There are families who are messed up - biological and adopted. But, adoption doesn't necessarily define a family - it's just the way it is created. Where are the examples of people who were adopted who are happy, well-adjusted people? Because I have a few friends/co-workers who are adopted, and they are incredible, successful people. A few of them have their birthmoms in their lives and a couple don't. Either way, they all are very attached to their adoptive parents, actually they're just their PARENTS. Period.
I hope this comes across well; I don't want to offend anyone at all. I'm not pro or anti open adoption, and I don't think that it's because her birthmom was in her life that Kendall had issues. I think it's because she dealt constantly with the threat of rejection - the article even states that. I just get so tired of adoption stereotypes and nothing but anecdotal evidence to back it up.
I am now linking some articles I've found that debunk all this negativity:
Nature vs. Nurture: A New Look at How Families Work
Good News: Adopted Kids Do Just As Well
Study Disputes Adoption Myths
Good gracious, this has taken me an hour to write because I'm so afraid I'm offending someone:) But, I really think something needs to be said - this article is not a fair representation of our families. I plan to email the reporter immediately, and if you feel as I do, I hope you'll do so, as well.
Happy weekend! :)
11 comments:
Ok, I can't log in to see the articles (not for lack of trying...) but I'm not offended in the least with what you've written. You make some very logical points.
I agree that many children placed for adoption would have some special needs regardless of whether or not they were placed for adoption.
And maybe (tongue in cheek here), some adopted kids have special emotional needs because the media tells them they should!
sheesh!
Thank you thank you thank you! We are just starting, researching agencies, our adoption process and this article DID freak me out. I began to cry and despair. Your blog, and positive articles, truly helped. God bless.
I had many of the very same thoughts. My belief, from how the article read, was that the majority of Kendall's acting out and emotional duress appeared to be linked to the fact that her firstmom could have been a lot more reliable and stable in Kendall's life.
Plus, the whole thing with her adoptive family allowing her to change her name back...that bothered me for some reason. I really wondered why they didn't stick with "Miranda." To me, that sent the child a message that SHE was in control of the entire situation, which may have added to her insecurity. I don't want to be too hard on them, though...I know that all parents make mistakes, and perhaps they wouldn't consider that to have been a mistake. Just thinking aloud.
At any rate, thanks for posting this.
I don't want to read the articles. I don't need the negative crap in my head. You didn't offend me, and all I actually agree with all that you said.
I completely agree with the whole name thing. In my opinion, letting "Miranda" change her name not only shows she's in charge, but it shows that things CAN go back to how they were. From what we've read, many adoptees do struggle with the fear that they may be taken from their adoptive home.
And TeamWinks, I wish I hadn't read it, either! :)
**delurking**
I used to be TERRIFIED of adoption. I was completely turned off to it, and thought I would never consider it...
Then we were forced to at least entertain the idea, and your blog helped me see adoption in a new light. Articles aside, your blog has been exactly what I needed and I appreciate your honesty about the entire process. :)
I agree...that article wasn't TRASH per se, and it did get open adoption out there, but at the same time, bits of it were definitely frustrating to say the least!!
I wish that both adopton and infertility would be portrayed the way they really are. I mean, I rarely see anything in the media that I agree with wholeheartedly on either subject.
You know, it seems that the journalist who wrote the article severely neglected the most important of the 5 W's: WHY?
Why do those stats make it look like adopted kids are more likely to need help? Gee, could it possibly be because adoptive parents are well educated on parenting issues and are therefore on the lookout for challenges with their kids, both emotional and academic?
Where are the stats of the non-adopted kids who could benefit from help, but who aren't getting it? Where are the interviews with schoolteachers who recommend special resources for their students, but those parents never pursue it?
My MIL is a resource specialist for our school district, and has been a special education teacher for over 25 years. She sees a proportionally higher response rate from adoptive parents vs natural parents when it comes to allocating additional resources for their children.
Now I'm rambling, really I just wanted to say, Great Post!
Thank you for the links and this post.
I agree that there seems to be a huge negative bias in media portrayals of adoption. It's a shame because there is so much ignorance in general and then the few stories that are out there further spread misconceptions. In reality MOST of the time adopotion is a good thing. But happy endings make boring stories I guess.
Part of the factor in their stats has to be that adoptive situations includes all age groups and situations and adoptive parents are maybe more likely to be on the look out for any developmental issues and seek help. But the way they portray these stats it comes off as a bad thing. It's so frustrating. The oddest things bugged me about this article like the big deal about her "real" name. I mean that girl would have had at least as many "issues" if she had been raised in her birth family.
Thanks for linking some positive media articles too.
where art thou, oh katd?! :-) Hope you come and post again soon!!!
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