We took Lily to visit my husband's family tonight. He has a younger brother (A) who is only 7. I left the room for about five minutes and returned to Lily in her swing with A standing next to her singing "You're a little baby. You are adopted. You don't have a mommy. She is not your real mommy." I lost it; my face turned hot and tears just spilled out of my eyes. He's a child; I know. And when his mom and I realized what he was singing, his mom was horrified and did take him back into his room for awhile. She told me she talked to him about it, and here's the thing, he LOVES Lily. He's so proud to tell everyone she's his niece. I know he doesn't even really know what he's saying and he's probably really just interested in the whole process, but, I'm still shaken up a bit. I didn't mention anything to my husband because I don't want to upset him. So I'm letting my sadness and fear out here. I never want her to hear that again, but she will. I know she will hear things like that from people who don't understand. And I love her so much and I feel with my whole entire heart so deeply that she is my daughter that it breaks my heart to think that even though she's only a baby that she has heard already a voice tell her that she has no mommy and that I am not her mommy.
I am going to hold my baby now. Happier posts tomorrow; I'm sure.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Rough night
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21 comments:
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Kids don't understand everything very well, and that's the hard part. Because they still SAY IT even if they don't UNDERSTAND it.
Lily will know she's adopted and loved, and that she has two mommies who both love her. Because you are teaching her that. People might say things that hurt, but she'll know they're not true.
Still. Sorry.
There are worrisome things, terrifying things, awful things to think about regarding adoption and the possibilities. But there are things with biological kids that are just as bad or worse. Some families have no love at all. Your Lily has MUCH love.
Rough night is right. I am so sorry. The previous commenter hit the nail on the head - your precious Lily is so loved, she will ALWAYS know that. I've been reading your blog for a while, and it's been a huge help, just to know there really are happy endings (and beautiful babies like Lily! :) God bless.
That's so sad, I know .. I am sorry.
Sometimes kids say hurtful things, even when they don't mean to be hurtful.
You have been blessed with a beautiful daughter, she has been blessed with beautiful parents and that's what means the most!
I think you handled it very well!
Hugs - Pep
What Lily will learn as she grows is that she has a "realer" mommy than so many children who live with their birth mommies. One day, she may go to sleep wondering why someone would give her up for adoption, but she'll never wonder why she came to you. You're such a wonderful mom, and your little family is so full and whole! Just keep snuggling that little angel- she knows how much you love her!
I am so sorry! That is terrible! You handled it very well.
I am sure all of us adopted mom's will have those moments. I think as long as we stay grounded in our love for our children and our strength as a family we will make it through
Oh Nooooooooooooo. I think I would have cried too.
Oh my gosh... I'm sorry you had to hear that. It is so hard to know what to do and say in those situations.
Thanks for the support, you guys! I'm feeling much better and less concerned about the situation today. It's just tough when things hit you in the face like that out of nowhere. I guess it's the mommy side of me that wants to protect her from everything!:)
Holy shit! I know he's a child, but still. I hope his mum had a good talk with him. Do you think it's worth telling your husband just so he's on the same page and has the same information that you do? Can be on the same lookout and such?
Lily will know that there are many many people who love her intensely. And that she has a very real and very loving mommy.
This breaks my heart. I'm so sorry this happened. This is exactly the thing that scares me about adoption. I know that we will love our baby unconditionally and I can be prepared for all of the unique stages that adopted kids will go through, but it is moments like this, when I'll be caught off guard that worry me. I think you handled it well. Be proud of yourself for not flipping out (as I may well have).
Thanks for visiting my blog today. I'm so grateful to have had your support. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
Oh, my heart is breaking for you! Let me just say that my friend's son (who's 8) is MAM's #1 fan, and is very curious about adoption. Every now and then we'll be playing at the pool and he'll say something like, "She didn't grow in your tummy did she?" or other things like that. I try to answer his questions, and sometimes his implied questions as thoroughly as possible. You can tell he wants to talk about it/has questions, but he's not sure how to phrase it.
That said, I hope that Lily's uncle is done dropping bombshells for awhile!
Oh God, katd, how awful. Kids that age are funny. I am glad his mom is on your side and will do some educating with him, I am sure.
Still . . . how painful for you to hear that. Lily is yours and you are hers. No words can change that.
Thank you guys, again, so much for the support. Mich, it makes me feel better than your friend's son asks questions like that. I'm sure it's just the age, but it was just so jarring!
That said, Lily has been SO cuddly today. It's like she knows mom needs hugs:)
Grrrrr....... Yes he is a child, but I certainly hope he was reprimanded sternly for his words.
And.....I would tell hubby, only because both of you need to be aware & on the "look out". If you are not around, & hubby is, he needs to know to be on alert. Thank God Lily is young - someday she won't be.
You ARE Lily's mom. You always will be. You have the debt & adoption papers to prove it. LOL! Shame on him - child or not.
I just finished reading this post and my mouth is still agape. I'm scratching my head trying to figure out how A's mom could possibly help A understand w/o making him feel like he's done something wrong. It's tricky. He is only saying what he believes is true, but honey... who taught him those words? How at 7 does he get "real mommy" if someone didn't tell him?
As a 3rd grade teacher I hear a lot of mean things kids say.
Last year I had a little girl who had been adopted. She & another little girl were being very catty when the other little girl said, "Your real mom didn't love you, that's why she gave you up." I was mortified by this, but the first little girl turned calmly to her & simply said (as if it were 2nd nature), "That's not true. My birthmother loved me soooo much that she knew she couldn't take care of me, and that's why I was adopted!"
I was so proud of not only her, but also her parents for preparing her for that type of situation. She was not flustered by it, but said it as if she were teaching the other little girl about her life.
I know it is a horrible thing to prepare your child for something like that, but preparation is the key to Lily being strong & dealing with people who are uneducated when it comes to adoption.
Oh no... I'm sorry that you and Lily had to hear that.
I would have guessed that a seven year old would be more likely to assume that an adopted child had two mommies than none.
Preparation is key, you're right. Lily WILL and I think already does know how much we love her. She will know adoption isn't what defines her but is simply what made us a family.
Thanks for the support, again! :)
Oh wow, that is so horrible. I can't imagine having to hear that. (((hugs)))
This breaks my heart! You will learn as Lily gets older how to handle these situations though.
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