Long time coming

This is a post I've saved and edited and reworked about a million times. I've wanted to post it and then felt like it wasn't articulate. And that it didn't capture the intensity of the emotion I feel. I know now that there's no way to really capture the intensity of emotion - especially when it comes to infertility, adoption, parenting, etc, so I'm just going to post this and let it go.

There are times I look at Lily and my heart literally feels like it could burst. I am sometimes overpowered by the knowledge that she is my daughter. It takes my breath away and makes me wonder how in the world I could be so blessed to feel so much love for any other person. Being a parent is truly unparallelled. You love with such fierceness -something never experienced in any other relationship. Sometimes when I feel this, though, I instantly think of Autumn. I get to kiss Lily's soft baby cheeks, smooth her curly head, and feel her tiny fingers curling around mine, and there is a sense of sadness and maybe even guilt because I know Autumn must have moments where she would give anything to feel Lily's little head against her chest.

Please don't misunderstand - our adoption was one of the good ones. It was a circumstance where Autumn was very, very certain that she could not parent Lily. I don't want to go into detail more than I have already on this blog, but I know with certainty that Autumn was secure in her decision to place. She had no regrets and told us more than once that she felt God meant Lily for us. Even so, I know she must think of her daily.

Originally we had decided to exchange letters. I send pictures and a letter at least once a month and have yet to hear back from her. I know I've discussed this before on here, but I'll say it again. I know what was said during that intense experience may not have turned out to be best for Autumn once she got home and tried to adjust and create a new reality for herself and her family. But, not one day goes by that I don't think of her and hope for a letter when I check the mailbox.

My whole point here is that I know how lucky and blessed I am. Less than a year ago, I yearned for a baby so much that my entire being ached. And now I have this beautiful little girl who is so happy and who loves and laughs so easily and whom I love with everything I have. But, I can't and will not forget the sacrifice her amazing birth mother made for her. Once in awhile when I get to do the every day, mundane parenting things that occasionally get old (really, how many more loads of laundry do you do once you have a child? It's unreal. :) I remember Autumn and how she probably yearns from time to time just to see or touch our beautiful girl's face. I get re-energized as a mom, and I remember again how fortunate I am to get to dry the tears, kiss the cheeks, and yes, do the stinky laundry.

Like I said, this doesn't feel finished. I don't know how better to say what I feel, so I'm just going to put it out there and hope it says at least a little of what I feel.