I have been very MIA lately. To be honest, I'm having a bit of a tough time lately. I don't know if it's Lily's quickly approaching 1st birthday or what, but mommyhood is seriously stressing me out. To be fair, she's been sick for nearly two weeks now, which leads (in her case) to very little sleep and all-around crankiness. She goes days without napping and is turning into a chronically tired girl. I'm having some really tough days. And I feel like I'm not allowed to have tough days because of what we went through to finally have her. I feel like because I prayed for her so hard and wanted her so badly that I'm held to a higher standard of parenting than other moms. Maybe I'm the only one holding myself to those standards, but I feel the pressure of them nevertheless. I feel like it's okay for some of my friends to complain about how hard it is to be a stay at home mom some days, but that it's not okay for me to do it because of how hard it was to get here. I feel like I'm supposed to be happy 100% of the time, and honestly, I resent it. I love staying home with Lily, but my husband works as an adjunct professor which means he works constantly and some days from 9:00am to 10:00pm with only a few hours break in between classes. Starting now, he's teaching classes every night of the week but Friday. He is amazingly helpful when he's home, but when he works so much, I'm doing all of this on my own. And I'm exhausted. But, the catch is that to be able to have me home, he has to work as much as he can. And full time university positions, especially in this economy, are few and far between though believe me, we're looking.
Part of the problem, too, I know is my fault. I feel so much pressure to constantly be a super mom. I feel like if she's awake, I have to be playing with her or teaching her something. And heaven knows, you can only read "Goodnight Moon" and play with the stackable blocks for so long until you're ready to pull your hair out. If I'm completely honest, I have days where I long to sleep late and go out for dinner and have adult conversation. That doesn't mean I want to go back to life before her, of course. I really hope nobody rips me for this because I know how lucky I am to have Lily. And I love her with my whole heart. This is, again, the sort of "survivors guilt" problem of parenting after infertility. We aren't allowed to be unhappy or struggle with any aspect of parenting because it was so hard to get here. And because we know there are women who would do anything to be where we are. But, for the love, I'm human. And being a mom is really hard work sometimes. And I feel how I feel, and I need to be able to talk about it somewhere - so this is my chosen outlet. I hate that I feel like I have to qualify this yet again by saying how much I love my daughter. I feel like anyone who didn't struggle with infertility wouldn't have to do that. They could just vent and it would be understood how much they love their child.
Sorry for this crazy, bummer of a post, but like I said, I'm having a hard time right now, and I needed to vent. I'm not even going to go back and reread what I've typed because I typed it as it was coming to me, and it's been a sort of therapy, so I'm just going to hit publish and move the heck on. :)
Monday, March 3, 2008
The Joys of Parenting
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19 comments:
Oh honey, I can so relate to this! I wish you weren't so far away so you could come over and have some coffee!!!! Sure you don't want to move down south????
I could have written this word for word! I never dared tell anyone, even family, that I was overwhelmed and in desperate need of a break. Our situation was like yours in that for me to stay home, husband had to work as much overtime as he could. There were months at a time that I swore I could hear my brain cells numbing! Actually, it does get A LOT better the older they get. I found the ages from 9 mos to about 18 mos to be the hardest for me.
I honestly think there are so many moms out here that are feeling or have felt these same feelings but you are right, when you have waited soooooo long, you don't feel like you have the "right" to whine. I remember putting on a smile and faking my way through never letting on how hard it was and THAT was exhausting too! It will get better for you. I promise:)
I could have written this post at any given time in the last year. It is so normal to feel what you are feeling and it is super hard work and it is okay to have bad days and to feel trapped or tired or the serious need for a break! I feel that way too. I think being a stay at home parent is the hardest job in the world!!!!! Don't feel guilty for needing a break, it doesn't mean you don't love lily 100% or that you are not a super mom because you are!
I'm so sorry! Try not to let the feeling get to you. Remind yourself that you ARE allowed to be frustrated and tired and even complain. Being at home is hard work because you're at your job 24/7. There is.no.break. I tell Travis sometimes that, HELLO, he doesn't have to come home and write insurance after hours all night long. :)
I get how you feel, though, because whenever I complain to certain people they say things like, "well, you asked for it." or "that's what you wanted." as if we set out PLANNING on having two under one for like 6 months. Or as if because I wanted these kids and love them, I can't ever have a rough day. That's ridiculous! People don't say to people who didn't have trouble getting their kids, "well, you love them. Quit complaining. Children are miracles!"
You shoudln't be held to a higher standard. I'm sure you're a great mom. I hope Lily starts feeling better soon and you can all get some rest.
Wanna come over here and we can go insane together?
When I went through these same feelings (you're seeing they are very common) I remembered what a friend once told me about the cardinal rules of Search & Rescue:
Me first.
Me second.
Me third.
My partner fourth.
The victim fifth.
On the surface, this sounds quite selfish, but it's really a way of illustrating that you can't take care of anyone else unless you are OK yourself.
If you haven't already, find a babysitter or a mother's helper so you can find some time to yourself once in awhile, to refresh yourself and thereby take care of your family.
It's NOT selfish. It's smart.
You're a good mom, Katd.
Be as gentle with yourself as you are with others.
I am in the same boat ( waited a lot of years, infertility then adoption), but I do not feel guilt when I am at home and I feel like a day off from my beautiful son. My husband goes to work outside the house, but I keep saying that I also go to work every morning when our baby wakes up. And I don't get a lunch break.
We are only human you know. I am overwhelmed with the love I have for this little guy of ours, but I also need some time alone sometimes. You are doing good and taking a day off is sometimes a good thing for any relationship.
Good for you for being honest about how hard it is being a mom. As you can probably see from the comments so far, you're definitely not alone!
My husband has been gone A LOT lately, and I hate it. (He just left this AM for another week. Sigh.) Sometimes, especially when I'm parenting on my own, it feels like a break to wash dishes, just so I don't have to read "Lucky Day" again!
Anyway, you sure have my support and sympathy! You're an awesome mom!
I can still relate! We had to make a lot of sacrifices for me to stay home and then I feel guilty when I need a break.
I want to echo a lot of what others said. If there is another stay at home mom near you, maybe you could trade off watching the kids for each other once or twice a month for an afternoon.
I hope your daughter's naps improve when she starts feeling better!
Oh man, that was 110% me while on my mat leave. When my time was up, I felt guilty for being back at work! But being a parent - SAHM or working outside the house - is a full time job and it's not an easy one.
I love my paying job but I still have complaints. That doesn't mean I want to quit, simply that sometimes, pressures add up. And parenting is a lot like that. Some days are just a bit more than we have the energy for.
I told a friend once that I felt like I had no right to complain and she laughed at me. She said "you're a mom now. All mom's have complaints!"
Try to get a break in there - it'll make both you & Lily happier. Is there another SAHM in your area you can trade off with? Maybe you take her child for a couple hrs 1 day per week and vice versa?? It'll be beneficial for the kids as well as for the parents.
Hope she feels better soon.
i like what lori advised you of: "Be as gentle with yourself as you are with others."
i completely understood this post, and doesn't it feel awful to have to keep qualifying? by now in the comments i'm sure you see how normal you are for feeling this. we do hold ourselves to a higher standard, don't we? i wonder if everyone else does or if it's just us!
at any rate, you put this into exactly the right words. i'm glad you hit publish.
www.candysland.wordpress.com
((((((hugs))))))
I can relate to this so well. I love thinking sometimes that even though it doesn't make it any better, these are real mom feelings. Clearly we are all "real" moms but it's something so deliciously real and normal about feeling this way. During years of IF and on our journey to adoption I always wondered if I'd feel different or normal. I love that the answer is NO! (of course everyone said that too, but you know the actual experience is wonderful). I hope that all came out right.
Don't forget to take time for yourself and sleep when she does!
What a beautiful and REAL post. I think it's normal--everything you're feeling. I can relate 100%!
I, too, know exactly where you are coming from. The only people I ever vent to about how overwhelmed I feel somedays are my 3 friends that have also adopted. I never feel judged by them.
My sister in law and I now trade kids every few weeks so that we each have some alone time. Even if it is just for a couple of hours to curl up with a good book. You need to be able to take time for yourself in order to be the best mom you can be for Lily.
I want to say THANK YOU for your honesty! I can see why you feel that pressure but I wish you didn't - as a mom I think it's so important to feel/find some kind of balance and that is only fair you should be able to do the same! Oh it was so hard yesterday when baby Robby was sick and Rob was sick and sleeping all day so he could not help me at all.... ugh... and the cranky no nappness just drives me nuts!!! I hope that Lily gets better soon and that you are able to find a great mommy outlet! And let it all out whenever you need to!!! :)
I would never judge or blame you for those feelings! I'm sure everyone, no matter how much they went through to become parents, has less than stellar days, and I fully expect to be the same way one of these days. I hope things start to look up soon and hope Lily is soon feeling better!
I'm sorry things are rough right now. Like the others, I agree that your feelings are completely valid. I think just the fact that you are remembering how much it took to get her shows how much you appreciate her and respect the responsibility of motherhood. Go easy on yourself, it's not easy for anyone - we all do the best we can. And for what it's worth, there are many evenings that I sit down and knit for a bit while the boy plays by himself - I'm a better mom if I'm less stressed and it won't kill him if he's alone for awhile. I like to think I'm fostering his independence!!
I worry about this all of the time! With waiting so long for our children with IF and then adoption, I feel pressure that when we are finally blessed with our children I'm going to have to appear happy every single moment, and never feel frustrated. Or at least never show that I am frustrated and tired. Thank you for writing this post, and all you commenters for commenting! It is very encouraging!!
EVERYONE feels this way, sweetie. EVERY MOM.
Do you belong to a MOPS group? I go to something similar and I cannot tell you how encouraging it is for me.
Think about it - an entire ministry was created for moms of preschoolers. Why? Because we NEED IT!
Every time I go, I get encouraged that being a SAHM is a wonderful, worth it choice. AND I get to talk to grownups. AND I get coffee and yummy food. And they have childcare. I mean, does it get any better?
Find a MOPS group - that is the best advice I can give you.
http://www.mops.org/
xo
PS
can I ask you to read this?
http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/2007/12/how-was-your-thursday.html
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