It's true. We were asked this just yesterday. "You're still trying (for a biological child), aren't you?" Um....well...number one, what a totally personal, invasive question. I really need to come up with snappy retorts, but I just didn't have one. Next time, do I fire back with, "How often do you TRY for a baby?" wink, wink, nudge, nudge....? Second, to me (and yet again it may be my ultra-sensitive nature) it's implying that we're still shooting for the goal, for the ultimate prize of finally conceiving. I already HAVE my ultimate prize - she's a silly round bundle of baby who is currently staring at me like she already knows who runs this house. :) I don't want to fight the adoption fight with every single conversation I have about it, but some things just make me so mad.
For the record, too, and maybe this needs to be part of my snappy retort, for most of us infertiles, there's no real trying outside of a lab or doctor's office. Sorry for the bluntness, but we're not using pills or anything to prevent pregnancy, but that doesn't cause me to ovulate a good egg or magically have a baby start growing some place it probably can't, now does it? When I asked our RE about whether or not I should go on the pill to prevent, she said our chances of ever conceiving (even WITH all their fancy schmancy help) was remote. Remote ain't good. It was also followed with a "but little miracles happen every day." You know what, though? I'm NOT looking to get pregnant. I am very happy with our daughter, and I feel like the right thing for us to do if/when we are ready for a second baby is to adopt him/her, as well. Adoption, for us, is not a consolation prize. I'm all up on my soapbox, but Lily isn't what we did in the meantime while we were secretly waiting and hoping to get pregnant. I don't think there is anything at all wrong with building a family through adoption or bio kids or BOTH - I'm not at all arguing against having a biological child if you've adopted or adopting after you've already had a bio child - what bothers me here is the implication that Lily was a short cut (PLEASE! Short cut my you know what!) to a child while we continue to strive for our "own." Too sensitive - wouldn't be the first time. Idiot asking questions - won't be the last, I'm sure. :)
Saturday, September 8, 2007
You're still trying, aren't you?
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9 comments:
I am usually a lurker but I have recently decided that I need to de-lurk and join in.
I got this exact same question yesterday! We have not adopted yet, have not even started the process. But we know that it is really the only way we will become parents. There is such a unlikely chance that I will become pregnant. Yes, there is still the possiblility. We are not "trying" but we also do not need to use anything to "try" or ""not to try". It is really a moot point. If it ever happens, you might have to give my husband and I both oxygen. But we are waiting for a miracle and that miracle will most likely be in the form of a beautiful baby born from another womb.
But yeah, it is irritating when you still get those nosy questions, especially when others seem to not fully understand infertility.
You have an absolutely gorgeous daughter!!!!
AMEN TO YOU!!! I totally agree with everything you said and if one more freaking person says, "oh now that you adopted you will get pregnant" I am going to punch them!!!!!!!!!!!
amen sister!
adopted children are NOT a short cut, or a consolation prize. anything but! i'm so glad you said this, i might have to go blog about it myself!
Well said!!!
Oh, my GOODNESS! What an absolutely moronic thing to come out of someone's mouth! I couldn't imagine anyone being able to focus on anything but those cherubic little cheeks on your cutie-boo baby! Sigh, too bad a nice middle finger in response to things like that just wouldn't be too socially acceptable...
Ack!! You know, your family seems to get more than your fair share of unbelievable comments. Is it the infertility component that makes people feel like it's okay to say stuff like that?
What they *should* be saying is, "Wow, you must be the luckiest Mommy on earth! What a wonderful daughter!" And be done with it. That's certainly all that needs to be said.
People can be sooo stupid! Thankfully, I haven't run into anyone asking me THAT question. Although my doctor's PA is forever giving me PG tests, because you know, you never know (seriously. she's given me THREE in past 12 months b/c assorted symptoms could indicate PG).
Oh, and lately I've run into a few people who comment on how big MAM is and then say, "it seems like you were just pregnant with her". And I'm like, uh, not exactly....
The older Lily gets, the less people should talk, with ANY LUCK. Then they'll start asking you when you're going to adopt again!
I hear ya! We don't even have our ultimate prize yet, but I found out a bunch of people close to me were praying we would still be able to conceive (so we wouldn't HAVE to adopt) I know they meant well, but I put a stop to that right then and there.
Now doubt I would be elated if we did conceive at some point. But right now I have fallen madly in love with this baby that I believe God has picked out for us, and he/she is growing in someone else's belly.
You say it so well...
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