Lily + Swings = LOVE :)

And imagine hearing great big belly laughs:) This is what life is all about.

I thought for sure she'd be a little scared. For some reason, she's really sensitive and scares easily. We try really praise her when she's "brave" (if a one year old can be brave), and I was going nuts at the park. I'm thinking really this is part of why she's not walking yet. She's really nervous about falling down. It's funny how their personalities really show so early, isn't it? A big part of the not walking, too, is that she's SOOOO laid back and easy going. She has no drive to do it, so she just crawls. Our doctor laughs about it, so I'm not worried. Reassure me and tell me there are lots of other 13 month olds still content to crawl about. :)

Family Planning

For some reason, this:

made me cry last night. Lily's first night without her crib bumpers. The little stinker had unzipped them and pulled the pillows out of the inside. I walked in to find her climbing all over them yesterday afternoon, so we had to take them out. She loves to nestle into them, so we gave her a blankie and her favorite stuffed animal to sleep with. When I peeked in at her and she was cuddled up so sweetly with them, I completely lost it.

There has been lots of talk in blog land about second babies. Mel posted (like always!) an eloquent discussion about the grief we go through as infertiles when watching our babies grow up. And it's so true. I have no idea if we'll have another baby. It's not as simple as getting pregnant. It costs us half a year's salary to adopt a child. And now that I'm home with Lily, I can't imagine coming up with that kind of money again. And it's important to me to be home with her. Taking her bumpers off and seeing her all curled up like a little girl and not like a baby - it yanked at my heart. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful to be a mommy. And I feel so fulfilled having her. There are days where I don't even know that I need to have another one; she makes me feel so happy. But, it's the knowing that I can't do it easily that still gets me sometimes. If we did decide to add to our family, the cost not only financially, but the emotional toll...I know I'm not ready to jump back into that yet. And it's only been a year; she's still a baby. I was talking to Lani the other day, who also has a great post about considering the only child, she said something that made me laugh, but that's also true. If it were as easy as "popping out a kid" it would be different. :) It's the one thing I still really envy about fertiles. I'm fine with never being pregnant and God knows I'm fine with skipping the whole birthing process:), but I'm so jealous that there are people who don't have to consider getting a second or third job in order to save the 25K it can take to adopt. I'm jealous that there are people who can plan getting pregnant around vacations and life events. Who can space their children out the way they want to. In reality, Lily will probably not have a sibling close in age. But, I know I'm blessed to have her. And she will have parents who love her with all their hearts...and that's what really matters.

You know I watched

Oh, how I was like a giggling school girl today while watching the New Kids on the Today Show. But then, I saw all the 30 something moms there with signs like "I left my two kids at home to come to NYC to see the NKOTB" and "30 year old moms from CA are NKOTBs biggest fans" and I felt okay about watching from home. Less freakish if you will :)

My husband nearly had to leave the room. He said he was surprised one of them didn't break a hip while dancing. I won't bring up all the OLD bands he loves who still act like children. And Lily sat next to me rocking back and forth and clapping her hands to the music. That's my girl!! Who says genetics are important? :) I leave you with this just for giggles on a rainy (here anyway) Friday morning:

Mothers

I didn't do a Mother's Day post. I know so many people I'm close with in the blogosphere are still waiting for their Mother's Day, and I just don't want to pour salt, you know? But, I got this email forward from my own mom, and I couldn't help but post it. It's exactly perfect. And it hits the nail on the head about all of us - us moms who aren't super women and us moms who became moms in our hearts long before our children were with us. I just found it beautiful:

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here." Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse. For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors. And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars. And that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words. This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then read it again, "Just one more time." This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college -- or have their own families.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them. For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting. For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely. This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache she feels when she watches her son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time? The jolt that takes her from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put her hand on the back of a sleeping baby? The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when she just wants to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in her home? Or the need to flee from wherever she is and hug her child when she hears news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And for mature mothers learning to let go. For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers without. This is for you all. For all of us... Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. And pray and never stop being a mother...
"Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall."

Call to our agency

I called the post placement office today just to check on Autumn. She's really been on my mind since Lily's birthday. I know I've said earlier, but I really hoped to hear from her around Lily's birthday. I know she's got to do what's best for her, but I had hoped. Our post placement office hasn't heard from her lately, either. That kills me. I know they'll check on her and see if she wants the latest packet, and I know they'll keep trying, but I'm really sad about it right now. I know open adoption is a case by case thing - it's best for some families and for some birth moms. But, I have times where I really wish we were more open. As I said, Autumn has to do what's best for her family, but it's so hard to have shared something so enormous - the biggest thing I've ever done in my life and to have this amazing, gorgeous little girl whom I am so proud of - I would love to just tell her myself how amazing Lily. I wish I could tell her how funny and smart and beautiful she is. I want her to know how happy Lily is and how happy she has made us. It makes me want to cry.
I know it's still very early and that eventually she may contact us. But, it's funny how many days I still go to the mailbox hoping to hear something from her. Originally, she said she'd write as soon as she got home. But, I know getting home and getting back to her boys, she had to cope the best way she could. If you're a pray-er, please say one tonight for her. :)

Guess....

...how many days it's been since Lily's had a bath. Three. I mean, three full days. This is the fourth morning. How in the world have I just forgotten to bathe her for three full days? :) Such a motherhood, right? :) And she's not THAT stinky:) We'll be bathing this morning.

I'm a reader on FIRE!! :)

I have two...count em...two fantastic books I'm reviewing courtesy of Mother Talk for you today - one is a woman's true story about battling infertility and her quest to have a baby on her own and the other, in a dramatic twist, deals with a fifth grader who is saving the world from evil woodchucks:) "Oh, Kat, how in the world did you manage to read two books with a teething, grumpy one year old," you may ask. Lucky for me, one of them is a book geared toward late elementary school kids.

As a former English teacher, I am always on the look out for good books. I know Lily is only one, but I'm always on the lookout for great books to build her library. I think it's tough to find books for young adults. So often, their reading levels are so different and their interests - well, forget about it. Dan Elish's "Attack of the Frozen Woodchucks" is one I bet most young adults would love. I have to say, first of all, cutest part of the entire book is that one of our heroines is a two year old inventor named Imogene. It is really too funny, and I can't imagine any kid not getting a kick out her. Jimmy Weathers, our protagonist, deals with a kidnapped father, racing through space, and yep, frozen woodchucks who are attacking the galaxy. The story is full of adventure and will keep kids of various reading levels entertained - something else that's important to me. Elish doesn't talk down to young readers, either, which is something I find some young adult authors can do. Even through all the fantasy and adventure, there are real issues and young adults will connect to Jimmy and his friends in real ways.

And, as I mentioned previously, it will appeal to young adults of various ages with various interests. The story isn't predictable, it's fresh and new, and it's even got a few fun illustrations by Greg Call to help readers who maybe need a hand visually.

The second book is probably one of many of you would really appreciate. "Choosing You" is Alexandra Soiseth's account of trying to have a baby on her own. At 39 and with no real romantic possibilities on the horizon, she realizes she's ready for a baby and takes matters into her own hands. Even though we obviously didn't go the donor sperm route, I know many of my pals in our community have done this. Soiseth is honest and real about what she goes through. And beyond just dealing with infertility, pregnancy, struggle with weight, and the sometimes horrific nights of new mommyhood, she digs deep into what family really means - something that really hit home for me.

There were lines in this book that I literally highlighted because I couldn't wait to share them here. Upon discovering possible infertility, Soiseth writes, "God, I'm bad at disappointment. This is so terrible. I feel this right down in my bones. I ache with the idea that I can't have a child...Suddenly I hate everyone...I try to figure out whose fault this is so I know where to direct it...How come I don't get to have a family? Why do other women get to have one without even really working at it?" Amen, sister.

She also talks about her insemination. The waiting and wondering. The trying to hold really still and not wanting to move or run or even jostle too much for fear you might "shake it loose." And then after the baby is born...these are passages I could've written myself. I had NO idea it would be so hard. No clue what being seriously sleep deprived would feel like. Of course, no idea I'd love my baby so much, but also times of total panic and despair! See what I mean? Pieces of this book were ME. Were us - parts of all of our stories. I feel like I really learned something from reading this. So often, we want to categorize infertiles. Or adoptions. And say this is how they should be handled. It's just not possible. This book proves that every single situation is unique and everyone must follow their own path. I HIGHLY recommend it!

And now...I am off to rest my tired little head before I'm woken up by the teething monster down the hall. Seriously, just ship me some Motrin. And a fifth of whatever booze you've got! :)_

I need stock in Baby Motrin

Seriously. The teeth are coming in like wildfire. The top two on either side of the front teeth are pushing through and now the ones on the side of the bottom front are little red mounds in her mouth. Needless to say, it's been a tearful time at our house. She was up for nearly two hours in the middle of the night last night just crying and crying. Stupid mom - GET THE MOTRIN!!! :) So today we're keeping better tabs on that. And bedtime is coming early for both of us!

I don't want to say much about this because it's still a new movie and I don't want to ruin it for those of you who want to see it, but I saw "Baby Mama" on Sunday. I absolutely love Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, but I fought anger and a few tears during a few instances in the film. On the other hand, I laughed harder than I have in a long time at other parts. So, I have mixed feelings. I think the way I felt about certain parts of the movie must be how some birth moms felt about "Juno." It was hard for me to understand their feelings until I saw "Baby Mama." It's hilarious, again, but I can't get past the way some of the infertility stuff was handled. Enough said for now because I don't want to ruin it - email me if you want to chat about it!

Off to put the girl to bed. With motrin. And maybe a shot of whiskey. KIDDING!! Don't call the authorities. :)

Bliss

These are photos from our walk today. Lily loves to hold her Daddy's finger while we take our walks. Could life get any better than this? I don't think so. :)

Dirty Little Secrets...Too Dirty?

I am on such a kick right now with wanting to read funny books about what motherhood is REALLY like. It's messy. It can be exhausting. It can make you wonder where the you who lived before kids went. It can make you sometimes want to sit your screaming, teething toddler on the front porch until she stops crying. (Or is that just me?) But, it's also fantastic and makes you experience more love than you ever realized you were capable of. What's missing from some aspects of Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile's new book, "Dirty Little Secrets from Otherwise Perfect Moms," is the love part. I am all about gabbing away with my girlfriends, mom, and sisters about the dirty side of motherhood, but underneath it all, it's always clear that we love our children fiercely. I felt parts of this book were far too dirty and a bit mean spirited for my taste.

To be fair, this is a compilation of actual truths that real moms confessed to the authors. And to be fair, some of them are hysterical. Take, for example, the mother who confesses to letting her toddlers eat dog biscuits. HORRIBLE, right? Well....last week, Lily got into our cat's bowl and ate some of it's food. It's not like I FED it to her and it's not like I'm glad she did it, but it happened. And the mom who listens to hip-hop in the car so often that her kids know all the words - even the bad ones. I can see Lily someday knowing every single word to lots of Ani DiFranco music. Oops. There are also some nuggets of wisdom in here that should make us all feel a lot better about the bad days that you KNOW we all have. Things like admitting to being worried about judgement from other moms. And loving your children, but having that love develop over time.

However, there were some "secrets" that I found very disturbing. Secrets that didn't always have to do with children. One woman admits to quitting her birth control and not telling her husband. Not so funny. Some of the mommy secrets are pretty unfunny, too. A woman admits to pinching her child so hard it left a mark. The way it's worded, also, it sounds like it might not have been a one time deal. That's scary. Yet another was too hung over to get out of bed for her daughter's fifth birthday party. You get the idea.

There are kernels of wisdom in this book. But there are also things that really disturbed me. I thought this book was going to be one of those "gab with your girlfriends and laugh about the kids" books, but a great deal of it involved secrets that were more disturbing than funny. For a book pitched as a "funny and feisty compendium..." with "sweet, funny, thoughtful, and strikingly honest" secrets, I wish there would've been more sweet and funny. It DID make me think, though, of how important it is that as moms we're there for each other rather than judging other women's parenting.

On a happier note, Mother Talk is sponsoring a really fun contest! Submit your own dirty little secret (Jess, go ahead and tell everyone you hogtie Ave to clip her nails. You may as well admit it.:) HERE and you could win a $25 Amazon gift certificate. And who wouldn't love that? :)