Crying during laundry

I took the tags off of some of the more gender neutral baby clothes we have last night, and I washed them. I cried off and on the entire time. Definitely not the reaction I thought I would have. This is going to be incredibly un-politically correct of me, but I am terrified our potential birthmom will change her mind. On all the adoption boards, they'd jump all over me for saying that and tell me it's her baby until the revocation period is up and that it's never a failure when a woman chooses to parent her child. I know all that. It's another thing entirely to have gone through the incredible pain of infertility and to FINALLY have hope that a baby is on its way.
I know how important it is that birth families have rights and are treated with respect and love. At the same time, this isn't the first time most of us have been faced with the possible loss of all hope. There has to be a balance between compassion for the potential birth family and for the adoptive family.

I'm not sure where this is coming from; I suppose because the due date is approaching, and I'm starting to do concrete things to get ready. Nothing has happened to indicate that A will change her mind, so all this worry is truly unfounded, but I can't seem to stop myself from it. How do you continue to protect your heart?

How do teenagers get pregnant and have children so easily? :)

I am the champion of exercise

So, I've worked out two days in a row now...isn't that enough? :) It's funny how much better I feel after just two days. My muscles hurt like a beast, but it's that good kind of hurt that reminds me that I've done something good for myself. And really, it's helping so much with all this adoption stress.

We got an email from the agency we're using yesterday. Just when you think there's no more paperwork or forms to fill out, you get an email saying your paperwork is incomplete. I thought I'd rip my hair out. We have less than four weeks until A's due date, and we have a list of ten more forms, certificates, etc. to get organized. It's been said a million times, but any idiot can give birth to a child, but I feel like I've had to prove myself countless times to be a suitable parent. I know it's to prevent weirdos from adopting, but it gets frustrating having to answer for the millionth time what my parenting philosophy is and what I hope to most impart on my children.

The good news is, though, that with the request for more info came an update. A (our potential birth mom) has had a bit of medical care. She saw a doctor very early on in her pregnancy. She tested negative for all STDs and for all drugs. That's a relief to us since she tested positive for cocaine a few weeks ago. She says she has no idea how she tested positive. It seems like a good indication that maybe she only uses occasionally if she tested negative early on in the pregnancy. All I want is for her to call the agency and have ONE ultrasound. Should I worry that she hasn't had much medical care? Should I worry that we have so little knowledge of or contact with her? Our social worker put it best when she said that at the end of this is a child who needs a family. In less than four weeks, if she places, then none of this will matter. It won't matter that we don't get updates frequently. It won't matter that I've had to detail our infertility battles numerous times for numerous agencies. All that matters is that there may be a baby who needs a family. I hope we get to be that family!

Baby Clothes

I couldn't resist! I did some shopping at the Carter's outlet on the way back home from the holidays. I was a bit hesitant because our situation is tenuous at best, but everything I got is gender neutral, and I know we'll eventually be parents, so I went for it! It was all I could do not to go nuts! My husband's pick was the "metal" baby hand:)

A little update for you guys: still no doctor's appointment scheduled, but I've done a bunch of research on bmoms and what they go through. Many stop contacting the agency at the end of the pregnancy because it's part of their grieving process. I know this is quite a generalization, but it did make me feel a bit better. I have to keep reminding myself that whatever will be will be regardless of whether I worry or not. So, I'm trying to remain positive. According to babycenter.com, the baby 35 weeks and 1 day. It's hard not to get excited when I read that he/she is probably already around 5lbs. :) Hope all is well for you guys in blogger land.

What a year!

Sorry for the long absence! We were visiting family for the holidays and things got crazy. An update on the adoption, since I know that's what you're all in this for:) It's been much more difficult than I ever expected. I thought that we'd match and then I'd be so happy and content to finally have the possibility of a baby. Not at all! Our bmom is what our social worker likes to call "flighty." She hasn't seen a doctor much at all during her pregnancy, and we'd like her to see one before she gives birth. Our social worker can't find her now. I know it's the holidays and that bmoms often remove themselves from contact once they've signed with an agency, but it's wearing on my mind so much! She is homeless and doesn't have any support, so they have no real doubts that she'll place because if she doesn't, she thinks child protective services will take the baby. BUT, I have more compassion and I hurt more for her than I ever thought I would. I want her to call the agency so she can use some of the expenses set aside for her. I want her to rent an apartment with that money. I want her to eat and feel safe for as long as possible. Right now, I feel like I think more about her than I do about the baby. It's bizarre when someone holds your future in their hands but doesn't know the first thing about you.
I also wanted to thank you guys SO much for your support! The comments and emails have been much appreciated.
Happy New Year to everyone! Be safe and have fun:)

It's a match:)

We signed and sent the deposit yesterday! I have the strangest mix of emotions! I am, of course, over the moon about the possibility of being a mommy in six weeks! After all the infertility, after the waiting for the homestudy and waiting for a match, to know there might be only six weeks left in our journey to our baby brings tears to my eyes. But, I think all of you infertiles can understand, I feel like I've developed a shield around me heart through all of this. Getting through this has been the most difficult thing I've ever done, and I feel like I'm holding back on my excitement because I need to protect myself in case something falls through.
We've been told our birthmom is flighty, so it may be hard to get her to have another ultra sound, but they feel like she's not hesitant at all about placing.
I have to just trust. I have to trust the people at the agency. I have to trust our birthmom's decision. I have to trust that God will lead us through this regardless of the outcome.
Is it insane that I've already printed out a map to get us there, have a hotel chosen, and have visited her hospital's website? :)
Thanks for all the support, bloggers! Keep us in your thoughts, prayers, finger crosses!!
Happy Holidays!

Update

We're being sent the contract from our agency this morning. Our potential birthmom is going to see a doctor and have an ultra sound to check gender, but most importantly, to check for damage done by drugs. She'll also have another drug test. I'm struggling so much with trying not to get too excited and too hopeful. I feel like I've waited for so long to be able to match and shout it from the rooftops, but now that it's so close to actually happening, I feel hesitant. I just don't know if I could handle it if something falls through. I know adoption is never a guarantee, but I feel like the next six weeks waiting for the baby to be born and then the wait for her to sign is going to be very emotional and stressful. Do I go ahead and buy more stuff? Once we find out the gender, do I buy some little clothes?
This is SO scary!!
Thanks for the support! :)

SO NERVOUS

This will be short and sweet; we have been on the phone for the entire morning getting information about two different situations we're being presented on. One baby is ours if we say yes; the only hang up is that the mom has tested positive for cocaine. If any adoptive parents are reading, please leave me a comment on your experiences if your child was exposed to drugs in the womb. The second is also a mildly exposed situation, but we're among three other couples being presented. If you're a pray-er, please, please sent a few up for us:) If you're a finger crosser, do that:) Thanks so much!! I'll post as soon as I hear something. This is the most excited, but also the most nauseated I've been in my entire life!

Faith

I find it so difficult to hang on to my faith through this whole adoption process. There are many things about life that challenge one's faith. I've always only wanted to be a mom. Even growing up, I never had huge career aspirations (other than marrying Jordan Knight...though he was much older, I always thought we could make it work). I have always wanted to have children and stay home with them. Finding out I most likely will not ever carry a child was beyond devastating for me. I want to trust that God has a bigger plan and that He has a child waiting for us, but my faith is often challenged by this horrible waiting.
Sitting in church, though, I always feel calmed. When I make the effort to trust and when I pray, I always feel better.
I want to leave a verse on here that I have attached to my computer with a post-it note.
"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.
1 Samuel 27

Even if we don't share the same faith, I pray that anyone out there who has lost hope or is discouraged will find some sort of comfort somewhere.

On a happier note, I believe I'm going to attempt to make a gingerbread house today...I'm scared:) I'll post pics later on...if they aren't too embarrassing.
Take care!!

To shop or not to shop...

It seems like most adoption websites or message boards I go to feature discussions about whether or not to start a nursery, register for baby stuff, and just shop for baby stuff in general. My personal feeling is that I feel like I've been left out on enough of the "expectant" mother process. I won't be able to visit the doctor to see our baby grow via ultra sound. I won't be able to feel him/her kick or get the hiccups in the womb. Even the big belly and the maternity clothes and the pregnant waddle, I would've welcomed all of it gladly! So, if I want to create a baby registry and set up a nursery and pick out some gender neutral clothing, what's the harm in that? I realize we could match with a baby and it could fall through. But, to me, I am creating a nursery for OUR baby, and if a match is made and falls through, then that baby wasn't meant for us. I want this process to be as much like a pregnancy as possible. We are waiting for our baby. It may be longer than nine months, and we may get lucky and have a shorter wait, but either way, we're what I've heard other bloggers say "paper pregnant." I love that!

I'm attaching some pictures of our nursery so far. I think it's pretty gender neutral, and I am absolutely in love with it. We do keep the door shut every day, but really, when I go in there, I feel excited about what's to come. I think we may go out today in search of a dresser...that is, if I can pull my husband away from college basketball. Oh, the joy. What are your feelings on shopping?

Questions People Ask

I love Thursdays! They're so close to Fridays that they almost count as the weekend:) Since this blog is for me to let my feelings out, I have to write about people and their stupid comments regarding adoption. THREE times I have been given the "pity" look when I've told people we're adopting. And TWICE, once by the woman cutting my hair and once by the HR person at work, I've been asked, "So, you can't have a baby of your own?" Both times I've gone home in tears. I need to grow some sort of backbone! I need to think of some great come back. We've joked about just being totally honest and saying something like, "No, I can't. The doctor who has explored my uterus isn't hopeful." Or "No, we've decided giving "deposits" into a cup isn't our idea of romance." I wonder what would happen then. I bet I wouldn't cry after.

I read an interview with Sandra Bullock recently where she talked about all the rumors that constantly go around speculating about her being pregnant. She said she wants to walk up to a reporter some day and say, "What if I couldn't have kids? That's the way you make women feel when you ask them that question." I loved it!

No real news on the adoption front. We're working with a consultant rather than taking the traditional agency route, so our profile is actually with multiple agencies. One called about us two days ago, but I haven't heard anything yet. They have some situations that would be perfect for us, and I'm trying so hard not to get too excited, but that's just about impossible. This roller coaster is SO tough! Hope all is well with everyone reading! I was so excited to get my first comment, you have no idea. I even called home to tell my husband. :)