I should be sleeping!

About a million people have said to me, "You'd better get your sleep now before the baby comes." :) It's like telling a little one to sleep on Christmas Eve. I just can't do it!

You should see the little outfit I got yesterday! It's so beautiful! Our digital camera broke yesterday (can you believe it?? I have to get another one - this is like the picture summit of life!), but I'll post a pic of the outfit as soon as I can.

I'm so thankful for this opportunity, and I'm trusting that it will happen (how can it not when Mel had two 2 year olds praying for it? What's closer to God than that? :), but I'm a bit nervous. Much less so than last time. And I also have to admit that I feel a sense of sadness for A. She is very secure in her decision, but I know she's going to hurt so much after this. You can't be human and not feel deep sadness at a mother leaving the hospital without the baby she just delivered. It hurts me so much. I'm really battling with being over the moon excited, feeling nervous and hesitant, and feeling guilty that I will be granted a family at another's expense...and now I feel guilty for posting anything that's not just full of elation. I am SOOOO excited:)

I'll say it again, you guys are the greatest. I've saved and printed out every single email and comment to put in the baby's book. I want her to see how much she is wanted and how supportive this community is. She will be able to read all the warmth, support, and love from this community of women, and I think that is so important. Happy Sunday! :)

a little girl...

This has been the craziest night of my life. You all are just amazing. I truly sat here reading all the messages with tears rolling down my face. Just six months ago, I felt so alone and so unsure of where to turn. Not that all is figured out, but I never feel alone anymore. You have no idea how it feels to know that at one certain second of the day, there are women all over the country thinking of and praying for you. I got messages from so many of you right near 6 just lending support. You guys have no idea how much that has meant to me.

Our talk with A was unreal. I am so glad we did it. She is warm and funny. I won't go too much into her background, but I will say that she seems very sure that this is right for her. She has an excellent support system. She wants to meet us, so I think we're going to be flying out either Fri. or Sat. to have dinner with her before the baby is born. She was so complimentary. She said when she saw our profile, she felt like she could see who were are by looking into our eyes. So many people told me that you'll have no idea why a mom may choose you, and it's true. She said what first drew her to us was that my husband plays guitar and that she felt like she knew us when she saw us.

She's in Utah, which is about 22 hours in a car from here, so I guess we'll be flying. Any tips on finding good fares this late? It's funny that after spending 20k on an adoption, we're kicking and screaming over plane fares:) We have to stay in Utah for up to 2 weeks for ICPC to go through, and that worries me financially, too, but for now, I'm just going to be excited. I don't want to count chickens or anything, but for my own mental health, I need to spend at least one day feeling like I may have a baby on the way. I know that may be unpopular in certain adoption circles, and I am well aware that this baby isn't mind until A signs the papers. But, the hope and possibility makes me so happy. Knowing that odds are I'll be a mommy a week from Tues. makes me nuts with joy. For tonight, I'm putting away the worry and the "what ifs" and I'm being excited...and tomorrow, I'm buying a tiny, frilly, pink outfit. If it doesn't work out, a pink outfit won't be what sends me over the edge:)

I know there must be more, but I'm sleepy. Thank you all for being my blog pals:) We'll chat tomorrow...Sleep well!

Oh my...

it's a match!!! :) I'm going to post more later tonight, but for now I need to figure out how the heck I'm going to get across the country in a week. :) Thank you for the support, and please say a special prayer for our expectant mom. She is as sweet as can be. More soon.

2 more minutes until 6

I'm on Eastern time:) I've had some inquiries:) I'm so freakin nervous, you guys!

TONIGHT!!!

Our conference call is set for 6:00 tonight. Send good thoughts, say prayers, cross your eyes, toes, fingers, whatever:)
We're the only couple she wants to talk with; so if all goes well, it seems like we'll be matched and the induction is set for Monday, April 2. You guys, I can hardly stand it. I didn't sleep last night. I'm so excited, but I also am so afraid to go through what we've just come through again. But, adoption is a scary thing. It's not for the faint of heart; it's for all of us tough girls who kick infertility butt! :)
Our consultant has been fantastic and gave us some great tips about talking tonight. I'm really excited, and I know that I'll cherish this time talking with her if the match goes through. She wants a totally closed adoption, which makes me a little sad. I hope that by talking to us, she'll decide to open up at least a little. I'd like to at least be able to send her pictures so she can see how beautiful her daughter will be. I'm getting ahead of myself...
I'm sooooo nervous......!!!!!!

***Edit: I love you girls so much. You are the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful women I could imagine. I will definitely post tonight as soon as I can. And yes, GL, the baby is a little girl :)***

I. AM. SCARED!!!

Could this day get any crazier? We just got a call from the agency and the expectant mom who is due April 2nd likes us!!!!!! She wants to have a conference call with us before she makes her final decision. Oh my goodness, what do I do??? I think it'll be tomorrow evening. I haven't ever done this before, and I don't think I've ever been so nervous. HELP!!! Any of you been through this? Have any words of advice?
I'm excited/nervous/anxious/giddy/hesitant/blah, blah, blah. I think I need a drink. :)

Pick me, pick me

We didn't get picked by the birthmom due in May. It's no surprise, really, because she wanted a biracial couple. We're being shown again on Mon. to the girl who is due in less than two weeks. I feel really nervous about it. I know I shouldn't feel insecure after not being chosen, but I do. I know that the birthmom wanted a biracial couple, but I'm sitting here wondering why we weren't chosen when I already know why. But, in my head it's because she didn't like us and that hurts my feelings. I'm all kinds of crazy today:)

And just so you all know, I made banana bread instead of cupcakes last night. It is SOOOO good. I like to kid myself by saying banana bread is healthier than a cupcake. Even as I was dumping the cup of sugar and cup of margarine into the batter, I felt pretty good about my health-conscious decision :)

Is it the weekend yet????

Antsy

No news yet. On the agency's website, one of the situations is taken down. Does that mean she's chosen already or does that mean they don't need any more profiles for her? Our contact there said she'd call us either way, so I'm not freaking out yet. Also, the woman due in April has had her due date moved up to April 2!!! That is less than two weeks away. I don't want to get too excited, but I want this so badly.
Keep me from going nuts! Is there good tv on tonight? Wednesday nights are kind of blah. Maybe I'll exercise...or bake cupcakes:)

**Update** I just reached a new low in adoption obsession. I called and left a voicemail with the agency saying I had forgotten to ask a question about the fees. I didn't forget. I asked. Probably more than once. But, I just couldn't stop myself from trying to get in touch with them just in case they had any news. As if they wouldn't call the second someone chose us....oh, I am a loser. Cupcakes it is. :)

HOPE!

We just got a call from one of the agencies we're working with. They have TWO situation they're showing us to in the next week. One may even be shown today. One woman is due mid April and one is the first of May...that's SOON! I have to remind myself that it may still take a week or even more for the expectant moms to make their decisions, but I'm suddenly filled with so much hope. This CAN happen out of nowhere...and from most of the blogs I read, it happens totally out of nowhere:) Not wanting to get too excited, but it's just a nice little boost on a rainy Monday.

No complaints

Okay, I am a total sap. Truly. Commercials with babies make me cry. At Christmas, the Folgers commercial where the big brother comes home early in the morning for Christmas and the little sister is the only one up and they make coffee for the house...I sniffle. The Chase credit card commercials with the Five for Fighting Song "100 years" that shows which Chase card will suit which time in your life...tears free flow. It's embarrassing, really.
Anyway, the sap in me is a huge sucker for Ty Pennington and "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." The plot is the same every week. They demolish a house, they build a new house, the family comes home and there are tears. The thing that is different is the personal family story. I cry at every single one. Last night, a family's home was destroyed by a tornado. The father is a firefighter and was away from the house during the storm. The mom saved her two little boys' lives but became paralyzed from the waist down. Though I cry at every show, this one really killed me. I can't get it out of my mind. I know what we've been through is tough, and I'm not in any way downplaying the hurt of infertility. But, it's so easy to become so self-absorbed because of it and to feel like nobody hurts the way I do. I think it's the constant cycle monitoring and daily shots, tests, or whatever of infertility. And then the waiting by the phone and checking email a million times a day of adoption. You can't ever step away from it for fear that the ONE second you do, you'll miss an opportunity. Watching this family last night was a big reminder for me. This woman will never walk again. My body is perfectly functional. She has two beautiful sons, but she can't run around and play with them. My someday children may not come from my body, but I'll be able to run and play with them.
Infertility has robbed me of many things. But, I'm starting to become a stronger person because of it. I WILL be a mom someday, and I don't care how it happens. I don't need to give birth to a child; I just need to be able to love one. I'm a very blessed woman, and it's important for me to occasionally dig myself out of my little hole and remember that. Not that it heals the pain, but it helps to see that the pain could be much worse. And it helps to see families like the one on tv last night who has been through sheer hell and have come through it stronger and with more love for each other.
My husband says I'm exactly the target audience of that show:) He says they're manipulating people like me through emotion..and maybe he's right. It does make me want to shop at Sears more because they donate all the stuff for the homes. :)
Happy Monday, all! :)