Is everyone infertile or is it just me?

:) Since getting our diagnosis, starting and ending treatments, and adopting Lily, infertile people seem to have come out of the woodwork. Seriously, I can't go anywhere it seems without reading about, talking to, or hearing about someone who is struggling with infertility. Whether it be someone at church or reading about J-Lo in the checkout lines - Is this a growing phenomenon or am I just more sensitive to it now? I'm really do wonder. With all the hormones in our meat and pesticides on our fruits and veggies, are we creating a new generation of people who have trouble getting pregnant?

Now, I am well-aware there are still those obnoxious people who get knocked up just thinking about a baby, but it really does seem to me like it's more and more common. At the wedding this weekend, I was pulled aside by the wife of a friend and she asked me about our situation because she's having trouble getting pregnant. She was trying to be light and make jokes about all the "tricks" to getting pregnant, but the pain was so fresh in her. It really twisted my heart. I wanted so badly to be able to assure her that it would all work out, but that's the thing with infertility - it's impossible to tell someone that. Of course, hearts change and families are grown through IVF and adoption, etc. but until someone is really ready for those steps, it's impossible to tell them going about it the old fashioned way is a sure fire bet. Anyway, she's just really been on my mind for the past few days. I know I've said it before, but isn't it a laugh (or cry depending on the day) to think about all the money WASTED on birth control? I could be in Mexico right now if I'd saved it! :)

Goin' to the Chapel

NO, not me! :) We are getting ready to travel to one of my husband's best friend's wedding. Miss Lily is staying home with her grandma. It's not the first weekend we've been away from her, but it's the first in quite some time, and I am SO READY! :) It's funny how things like taking a long bath, painting your toe nails, and sleeping until you wake up rather than being woken up by a 9 month old alarm clock seem like a luxury!

I have one tiny issue that's eating at me, so I'm going to write about it here and hopefully expel it from my thoughts. My sister-in-law is trying to get pregnant. It's awful, but hearing that made the green monster rear it's ugly head. Then, she told me how it's already been two months, and so she went out and bought a month's supply of ovulation predictors. And should they be more careful about when they're "together" and should she do things like prop her hips up. I wanted to SCREAM. I hate all of that stuff; I hate it. Heaven help me, it was all I could do to maintain. TWO MONTHS!! Come on! But, I was so proud - I told her how I know it becomes all consuming and that each month feels like an eternity. I denied the part of me that really wanted to grab all those OPKs and stomp on them. Or grab her prescription pre-natal vitamins and flush them all down the toilet.

Happy Friday, blog pals! Hope you have a great weekend. And if you want to flush some pre-natals or stomp on some ovulation predictors, I'm with ya. :)

Today, I'm just a mom

What an incredible weekend/end of the week last week. I watched our community through blogs and through sites like thenest.com blow up in response to the Tyra show. People sent emails, letters, posted on other sites - it was amazing to see. I'm always, always floored by our ability to unite. It's so rare to find a group of women willing to go to bat for each other without question. We're all joined by this horrible thing, but through it, I've found so many great friends and have been so inspired by each one of you.

In the beginning of our struggle with infertility, our issues really came to define me. I wasn't a wife or a teacher or a daughter or sister, I was a woman battling infertility. Then, I became a prospective adoptive parent. I was searching for an agency, trying to choose ethically, wading through the paperwork and asking questions of myself and of my marriage as to what we could take on as far as health concerns, birth mother drug use, etc. It became all consuming. After Lily, I became an adoptive parent. I read everything I could get my hands on about transracial adoption, parenting adopted children - I worried, I'll be honest with you, about bonding with her at first. I thought all the time about her birth family (and still do), and there was a great deal of guilt that I felt while parenting her. I hoped I'd make the right decisions, and I worried ceaselessly over every minute detail. Don't get me wrong, I was over the moon for her immediately, but so many feelings came along with it.

I have days now where it never even crosses my mind that Lily was adopted. It, in fact, startles me sometimes because I feel like she did come from me. She was a labor of love - though not in the traditional sense. Most days now, I'm just a mom. I'm Lily's mom. I'm not defined by my infertility, even though it's something that will shape how our family is created. I'm not defined by my status as an adoptive parent, though it is something of which I am intensely proud. I'm finding that I have lost the timidity and nervousness with which I parented early on. Maybe all new moms go through this - maybe it has nothing at all to do with adoption. All I know is that I feel finally secure and confident in being Lily's mom. And I love that.

Of course, ask me tomorrow and it could be a whole new ball game. That's how this parenting thing works, isn't? The second you're confident, they throw something new at ya! :)

"Mom Wannabe"

Mel posted today about this upcoming call for guests to be on Tyra Banks' upcoming show called "Mom Wannabe." I am beyond sickened by this:

DO YOU KNOW A WOMAN OBSESSED WITH BECOMING PREGNANT?
Do you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom? Have you seen and heard her struggle for years, felt her unvoiced jealously and seen her desperation first hand? Have you watched silently for too long as she gets her hopes up only to be disappointed and heartbroken when she can’t conceive? Has she tried extreme methods and spent a lot of money to get pregnant with no luck? Do you want to finally tell her she needs to stop the emotional and physical stress on her body and seriously consider adoption or a surrogate alternative? If you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom and getting pregnant, then SUBMIT BELOW. (source: http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/beontheshow/mom_wannabe.html)

Are you kidding me? "unvoiced jealousy?" How dare anyone try to tell any woman who has experienced infertility that she needs to "stop the emotional...stress on her body?" This is appalling. I filled out the submission form, and I have no idea if anyone will read it, but there was no way I could let this go without saying something. Is there anything else that can be done? Contacting Warner Bros. maybe? If anyone comes up with anything, keep me in the loop. This is just disgusting.

HUGE congratulations to Melissa! :)

Melissa (Amazing Journey) , who is my adoption guru and who is a woman of incredible faith, has expanded her lovely family. They have just welcomed sweet baby Caibry Faith! She is such a little beauty! Go on over and congratulate her!

Another confession

Since my last post was a bit heavy, I've decided it's time to let you all in on a little secret. Are you ready? I have a school girl crush on Barack Obama. It's true. And this post isn't meant to be political; I'm not trying persuade you to vote for him, and I'm not trying to belittle him by saying I think he's nice to look at. There's just something about him that makes me feel the same way I did in 5th grade when I looked through my Tiger Beat magazine for pictures of Jordan Knight. :) Again, this is a silly post, and I'm not trying to get a political debate started. I just had to declare my feelings - much like I did in fifth grade by writing "I heart Jordan" all over my notebook. :)

Long time coming

This is a post I've saved and edited and reworked about a million times. I've wanted to post it and then felt like it wasn't articulate. And that it didn't capture the intensity of the emotion I feel. I know now that there's no way to really capture the intensity of emotion - especially when it comes to infertility, adoption, parenting, etc, so I'm just going to post this and let it go.

There are times I look at Lily and my heart literally feels like it could burst. I am sometimes overpowered by the knowledge that she is my daughter. It takes my breath away and makes me wonder how in the world I could be so blessed to feel so much love for any other person. Being a parent is truly unparallelled. You love with such fierceness -something never experienced in any other relationship. Sometimes when I feel this, though, I instantly think of Autumn. I get to kiss Lily's soft baby cheeks, smooth her curly head, and feel her tiny fingers curling around mine, and there is a sense of sadness and maybe even guilt because I know Autumn must have moments where she would give anything to feel Lily's little head against her chest.

Please don't misunderstand - our adoption was one of the good ones. It was a circumstance where Autumn was very, very certain that she could not parent Lily. I don't want to go into detail more than I have already on this blog, but I know with certainty that Autumn was secure in her decision to place. She had no regrets and told us more than once that she felt God meant Lily for us. Even so, I know she must think of her daily.

Originally we had decided to exchange letters. I send pictures and a letter at least once a month and have yet to hear back from her. I know I've discussed this before on here, but I'll say it again. I know what was said during that intense experience may not have turned out to be best for Autumn once she got home and tried to adjust and create a new reality for herself and her family. But, not one day goes by that I don't think of her and hope for a letter when I check the mailbox.

My whole point here is that I know how lucky and blessed I am. Less than a year ago, I yearned for a baby so much that my entire being ached. And now I have this beautiful little girl who is so happy and who loves and laughs so easily and whom I love with everything I have. But, I can't and will not forget the sacrifice her amazing birth mother made for her. Once in awhile when I get to do the every day, mundane parenting things that occasionally get old (really, how many more loads of laundry do you do once you have a child? It's unreal. :) I remember Autumn and how she probably yearns from time to time just to see or touch our beautiful girl's face. I get re-energized as a mom, and I remember again how fortunate I am to get to dry the tears, kiss the cheeks, and yes, do the stinky laundry.

Like I said, this doesn't feel finished. I don't know how better to say what I feel, so I'm just going to put it out there and hope it says at least a little of what I feel.

WHEW!! Holidays wear me out!

I have just gotten over the nastiest of all stomach flues! Sorry for the lack of holiday posts, but I'm telling ya - it's been rough here:) You never appreciate your health more than the first day you finally feel better after a sickness!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, New Year, etc. We were very busy, but we had a wonderful first Christmas with Lily. As most babies do, she loved the boxes and bows far more than she loved any of the toys contained within them:)

A kind of a bummer, our computer got infected with a virus that invaded my email. Sorry to any of my pals who got nutty emails from me. I think we've got it all under control finally!

We applied for Lily's social security number today, which I believe ties up the last of our adoption loose ends. Time to start the process again, right? :) KIDDING!

In other Lily news, our girl was nine months old yesterday. I can't believe it. She had a check-up and is 30 inches long!!! She's hitting (or exceeding!!) all of her milestones EXCEPT for movement. She just will not crawl! She rolls to what she wants and is starting to pull up to standing, which leads me to believe she may just skip crawling altogether and start walking. Just another reminder that they do what they want when they want! :)
I need to get caught up with all of you and your blogs! I miss reading them! :) My husband is consumed with the Iowa caucuses on tv right now (he's an MSNBC junkie!), so maybe this is a good time to be online! :)

Back Home Again...

Our trip to Arizona was absolutely beautiful! I love it out west. The mountains and the canyons and the desert- they're breath taking, really. HOWEVER...I don't know how those of you who fly often with babies do it. I really don't. Lily is the best baby, but she turned into a little devil girl on the plane! She cried for about an hour straight, and I literally wanted to die. A lovely grandmother we had gotten chatty with in the terminal even came up and asked if she could try to calm her down. AND I handed Lily over. To a stranger. That's how bad it was! I figured she couldn't go far with her. :)

Anyway, that being said, it was nice to get away and have a change of scenery. But, I'm totally behind now in getting ready for Christmas. We made a little gingerbread house tonight - one of my favorite things to do! :) But, the presents aren't all wrapped - heck, the presents aren't all bought. So, I've got to get on that!

I'm really looking forward to catching up with blogs - it's been almost two weeks! Hope all is well and that your holiday preparations are going better than mine are. Anyone else a procrastinator? :)
I'll leave you with a few of my favorite AZ pictures...and then with my new favorite of Lily in her winter hat. She's too much! :)

Phoenix, Here we come!

The sickness has finally left our house. Man, last week was rough! Lily was so miserable and by the third day of her cold, I had come down with it, too. We've finally turned a corner, though, and are all feeling healthy. I had to laugh at my husband...well, laugh a little and then smack him a little. She would get up at least twice during the night because she couldn't breathe. And in the morning he'd say, "Did she get up at all last night?" or "Wow, she slept through the night last night?" Yeah. It's that male selective hearing thing. I will give him credit, though. Once I got sick, he got up with her during the night and in the morning. Which, again, leads me to ask why he could hear her when I was sick, but couldn't when I wasn't. :)

The best news! My mom called last week. My step-dad is a professional golfer and is playing in a tournament in AZ this week. She is flying all three of us out there for a little pre-Christmas mini-vacation. I can't tell you how excited I am. I am so ready for a vacation! I love being at home with Lily more than anything, but sometimes the walls of this house make me crazy! :) And you can only walk the mall so many times. I can't wait to be in the sunshine! It's supposed to be in the high 60s out there, which will feel nearly tropical after the weather we've been having. We're going to stay in Scottsdale mostly and then spend one night up at the Grand Canyon. I've never been there before but always wanted to - I really can't wait!
Anybody been out that way and have some tips or recommendations? Also - and this is the part I am dreading! - any tips for flying with an 8 month old? I'm hoping she'll nap some of the time, but that might be wishful thinking. Also, for all you world travelers, how do you deal with the time difference, especially when it'll only be for a few days? Do we go ahead and keep her on the schedule here? Then she'll go to bed at like 5:30 out there :)
Any tips or words of wisdom are much appreciated!

Also, most importantly, I want to send out a special congrats to my good blog pal, Jess. Her little family is growing by leaps and bounds! She and her husband and baby Ava welcomed Ethan into their family last Thursday. She will have her hands full, but I know there's nothing she'd rather be busy with! :) Congrats, Jess!!