Honesty **with updates

I had a kind of heart stopping moment today. I was playing with Lily (we just bought her her very first baby doll and she is so in love with it! She hugs it and says, "Bah-beee" (baby) - it's really the cutest thing ever), and it hit me that she has no clue that I didn't give birth to her. I mean, obviously, she doesn't get any of that yet, but for some reason it nearly stopped my heart because she doesn't know yet. It almost brought tears to my eyes because I had a moment of sheer understanding of why people don't tell children they're adopted. Please, PLEASE don't get me wrong - we are so proud to be a family through adoption and there is absolutely no chance of that happening here nor do I want it to, but I felt in that split second grief that she didn't come from me. Does that make any sense? Obviously, if I had given birth to her, she wouldn't be who she is - and obviously, I wouldn't change even one thing, but I can't describe any better the feeling of sadness that came over me. And it really was just for that second - I rarely even think of her being adopted - it's just the way our family was made. She is my daughter and that's the end of it, but I wish I could put into words what I felt. Maybe I'm not alone here and someone can say it better than I could.

When I'm really 100% honest with myself and here on this blog, as comfortable as I am with adoption and how proud I am to be a mommy through adoption, I have moments of panic. I feel very vulnerable even writing that here, but it's true. I have moments of worry that I won't tell her about her adoption the right way. How do you begin introducing it? We have "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born," and she has a lifebook...are those the places to start? And my greatest fear is that she will resent it. I know that's silly and not worth even giving ideas like that my time, but I can't help it. I know the statistics; I know there are some adoptees who struggle with being adopted. I have moments where I wish it was just easy. I wish I was just her mom and that I didn't have to worry about telling her she was placed because you know no matter how well you tell it, there will be some grief on her part. And I'm ready for that and okay with it, but it's still hard. And I am terrified - absolutely terrified that she won't see me as her mom. I hate even typing that, but when I'm 100% honest, it's a real fear of mine. I know I need to get over it, but I love her so much that I can't even imagne something like that. I think, though, that all moms - no matter how they became moms - feel that way.

Man, this is a rough post, and I really hope it came out the right way, but like I said, I have needed to vent and a safe place to express some difficult feelings, so here they are. Lucky you guys, right? :) I promise I'll ease the pain of this one with a picture post or something equally cute tomorrow:) I'm really nervous to hit publish because I feel like some of things I've said here may not come out right. Give me the benefit of the doubt and be kind, okay? :)

***I've found it! Gretchen put it perfectly in the first comment. It's overwhelming to think about the potential for grief and pain in our children. But you know what? That's true for ANY parent and ANY child. Thanks for helping me find the words, Gretchen! :)

Can't.Take.The.Heat.

Imagine me dragging my hot (temp wise!), tired body across the floor while I say that:)  It is miserably hot here!! And guess whose AC wasn't in commission for about three hours this afternoon?  Yep, mine.  I know this is going to sound very, very spoiled, but I don't know how people made it through the summers without air conditioning.  Luckily, everything got fixed very quickly, but the house still hasn't cooled back off...probably because it was in the 90s here today.  I actually got in the tub with Lily tonight just to cool off.  She thought it was pretty funny. :)

In other Lily news, she is working on her NINTH tooth!!! She has all four up top and about 3 1/4 up on the bottom and now her fifth one is coming in on top.  It's non-stop teething around here.  We also had our first major diaper blow out yesterday.  I know you all wanted to know that:)  I consider us very, very lucky to have made it this far, but it was HORRIBLE!! Stupid me, she had been constipated so I gave her straight up apple juice....not good.  Not good at all.  She is the girliest little thing, too, she gets upset by poop:)  Too much info and she'll kill me someday when she reads this, but I can't help myself; it really is the funniest thing.  Anytime she goes, she comes straight over to me and says "hi...Hi...HI!!"  progressively louder.  Seriously, she needs changed immediately. :)  My nephew could play all day long in a dirty diaper and never care.  My girly girl knows the deal!!   Still no walking...she'll stand up by herself as long as you want her to, but when I try to get her to step, she shakes her head and says very matter-of-factly "no, no." Not sassy or anything, just letting me know how she feels about it :)  

Hope everybody's staying cool.  My husband's watching the NBA playoffs, so I'm off to waste some time playing word games on facebook.  It's too, too addictive. :)

The Fertility Journal

The latest book I'm reviewing for Mother Talk is one I think every single person who reads my blog could have or would still benefit from. "The Fertility Journal," by Kim Hahn (founder and CEO of Conceive Magazine...so she knows her stuff and won't tell you take a vacation or drink wine to get pregnant:) is one of the best resources I've ever seen for learning more about your fertility, charting temps, ovulation, keeping track of taking that pesky prenatal vitamin and SO much more. PLUS...it's the prettiest book I've ever seen:)

Along with keeping track of all the basics, there are sections for really delving into having a healthy pregnancy, keeping your marriage fresh and on track (I'm reading that NOW!:), and then examining emotions if/when getting pregnant becomes an issue. This journal is the epitome of organization, so you know I love it. :) Every month has it's own "issue" to examine - some aren't even directly related to pregnancy but may examine your battle with your weight and self-imagine. Really, this is just a fantastic book for anyone thinking of conceiving. As the months go on, too, the focus becomes more on taking good care of yourself and examining every option related to fertility treatments. The back section, "When you need a little help," lists every possible diagnosis, how it can be treated, and what options you have. There is also a section of definitions for all the acronyms we have come to know and despise, but that were super confusing at first. (hCG is Human Chorionic Gonadotropic - a hormone produced by the placenta that is measured in pregnancy tests, HSG is a hysterosalpingogram - a procedure used to determine whether the fallopian tubes are open, etc....really, I could've used this two years ago when I was swimming in confusion and overwhelmed by terminology. IT.IS.AWESOME! I highly, highly recommend it to anyone trying to get pregnant. Now that I'm beyond that stage (aren't I?) I'm going to pass this on to a woman I know who is trying to get pregnant. It's that good!

While I'm on the subject, if you haven't ever visited "Conceive" online, I highly recommend the site. Again, where in the world couldn't I have found this two years ago?? :)

Scary Days

We have had quite a time here lately. We spent a great deal of time outside over the weekend, so on Sunday when we noticed two little bumps on Lily's legs, we assumed she got a few mosquito bites. When we got up on Monday morning, though, you can't believe what her little legs looked like. The bites were both swollen to the size of quarters at least, and on little bitty legs, that's pretty big. One had streaks of red branching out from it and the other was yellow in the center surrounded by red. Both of them were hot to the touch and she'd pull away if we tried to touch them. I. FREAKED. OUT. We immediately called our pediatrician, who was out due to the holiday, of course. But we left a message on the emergency line and he called back right away. And sent us to the immediate care center. I called my mom crying; I was just so worried about her. And at times like this, I hate so much that we don't live near my mom!

We scooted on over to the immediate care center and waited. And waited. It lifted my spirits a bit that Lily flirted with the entire waiting room. She won't let a few bites get her down. No way:) She was smiling and chatting people up. What a ham! We finally saw the doctor and he examined her and told us they were spider bites. He said on kids her size, the poison can sometimes really get to them even if it's a spider that wouldn't really impact us. The red lines branching out from the bites was the poison filtering into her veins. I wanted to cry. I felt SO guilty. Even though we have our house sprayed very regularly, and I imagine she got them crawling around in the grass or sitting on the blanket outside over the weekend - and what am I going to do? Never let her outside? Nope. But I still felt bad; I hated seeing those things on my baby's legs! So this week has been full of leg checks, prednisone and antibiotic treatments, and a very, very thankful mom:) This may sound corny, but it hit me once again how lucky we are to be able to just take her into the doctor when she needs it. We're not wealthy by American standards, but that luxury alone makes us wealthy by the world's.

Miss Lil is doing much better now. I didn't take pictures when the bites were at their worst, and I'm glad because I don't want to remember it. But, you can kind of see them still lingering in these pictures. AND on a very happy note, look at that girl:) She's starting to walk behind her little lion. Don't be silly and think she's trying to walk on her own, though. She knows better; she knows mommy will carry her:) These are some of my favorite new pictures. She is starting to thin out so much from moving around, but the tummy is still in full force here. :)

Here's to a QUIET and relaxed weekend:) My sister is coming down Saturday for a little visit, and I made the mistake of telling Lily that yesterday. She loves her "Mal Mal" (my sister's name is Mallory), and she crawled around all day yesterday saying "Mal Mal.....Mal Mal" like she's looking for her. Mental note: don't tell the kid anything too far in advance. :)

Hope everyone's weekend is spider free. :)

Lily + Swings = LOVE :)

And imagine hearing great big belly laughs:) This is what life is all about.

I thought for sure she'd be a little scared. For some reason, she's really sensitive and scares easily. We try really praise her when she's "brave" (if a one year old can be brave), and I was going nuts at the park. I'm thinking really this is part of why she's not walking yet. She's really nervous about falling down. It's funny how their personalities really show so early, isn't it? A big part of the not walking, too, is that she's SOOOO laid back and easy going. She has no drive to do it, so she just crawls. Our doctor laughs about it, so I'm not worried. Reassure me and tell me there are lots of other 13 month olds still content to crawl about. :)

Family Planning

For some reason, this:

made me cry last night. Lily's first night without her crib bumpers. The little stinker had unzipped them and pulled the pillows out of the inside. I walked in to find her climbing all over them yesterday afternoon, so we had to take them out. She loves to nestle into them, so we gave her a blankie and her favorite stuffed animal to sleep with. When I peeked in at her and she was cuddled up so sweetly with them, I completely lost it.

There has been lots of talk in blog land about second babies. Mel posted (like always!) an eloquent discussion about the grief we go through as infertiles when watching our babies grow up. And it's so true. I have no idea if we'll have another baby. It's not as simple as getting pregnant. It costs us half a year's salary to adopt a child. And now that I'm home with Lily, I can't imagine coming up with that kind of money again. And it's important to me to be home with her. Taking her bumpers off and seeing her all curled up like a little girl and not like a baby - it yanked at my heart. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful to be a mommy. And I feel so fulfilled having her. There are days where I don't even know that I need to have another one; she makes me feel so happy. But, it's the knowing that I can't do it easily that still gets me sometimes. If we did decide to add to our family, the cost not only financially, but the emotional toll...I know I'm not ready to jump back into that yet. And it's only been a year; she's still a baby. I was talking to Lani the other day, who also has a great post about considering the only child, she said something that made me laugh, but that's also true. If it were as easy as "popping out a kid" it would be different. :) It's the one thing I still really envy about fertiles. I'm fine with never being pregnant and God knows I'm fine with skipping the whole birthing process:), but I'm so jealous that there are people who don't have to consider getting a second or third job in order to save the 25K it can take to adopt. I'm jealous that there are people who can plan getting pregnant around vacations and life events. Who can space their children out the way they want to. In reality, Lily will probably not have a sibling close in age. But, I know I'm blessed to have her. And she will have parents who love her with all their hearts...and that's what really matters.

You know I watched

Oh, how I was like a giggling school girl today while watching the New Kids on the Today Show. But then, I saw all the 30 something moms there with signs like "I left my two kids at home to come to NYC to see the NKOTB" and "30 year old moms from CA are NKOTBs biggest fans" and I felt okay about watching from home. Less freakish if you will :)

My husband nearly had to leave the room. He said he was surprised one of them didn't break a hip while dancing. I won't bring up all the OLD bands he loves who still act like children. And Lily sat next to me rocking back and forth and clapping her hands to the music. That's my girl!! Who says genetics are important? :) I leave you with this just for giggles on a rainy (here anyway) Friday morning:

Mothers

I didn't do a Mother's Day post. I know so many people I'm close with in the blogosphere are still waiting for their Mother's Day, and I just don't want to pour salt, you know? But, I got this email forward from my own mom, and I couldn't help but post it. It's exactly perfect. And it hits the nail on the head about all of us - us moms who aren't super women and us moms who became moms in our hearts long before our children were with us. I just found it beautiful:

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here." Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse. For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors. And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars. And that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words. This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then read it again, "Just one more time." This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college -- or have their own families.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them. For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting. For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely. This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache she feels when she watches her son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time? The jolt that takes her from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put her hand on the back of a sleeping baby? The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when she just wants to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in her home? Or the need to flee from wherever she is and hug her child when she hears news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And for mature mothers learning to let go. For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers without. This is for you all. For all of us... Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. And pray and never stop being a mother...
"Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall."

Call to our agency

I called the post placement office today just to check on Autumn. She's really been on my mind since Lily's birthday. I know I've said earlier, but I really hoped to hear from her around Lily's birthday. I know she's got to do what's best for her, but I had hoped. Our post placement office hasn't heard from her lately, either. That kills me. I know they'll check on her and see if she wants the latest packet, and I know they'll keep trying, but I'm really sad about it right now. I know open adoption is a case by case thing - it's best for some families and for some birth moms. But, I have times where I really wish we were more open. As I said, Autumn has to do what's best for her family, but it's so hard to have shared something so enormous - the biggest thing I've ever done in my life and to have this amazing, gorgeous little girl whom I am so proud of - I would love to just tell her myself how amazing Lily. I wish I could tell her how funny and smart and beautiful she is. I want her to know how happy Lily is and how happy she has made us. It makes me want to cry.
I know it's still very early and that eventually she may contact us. But, it's funny how many days I still go to the mailbox hoping to hear something from her. Originally, she said she'd write as soon as she got home. But, I know getting home and getting back to her boys, she had to cope the best way she could. If you're a pray-er, please say one tonight for her. :)

Guess....

...how many days it's been since Lily's had a bath. Three. I mean, three full days. This is the fourth morning. How in the world have I just forgotten to bathe her for three full days? :) Such a motherhood, right? :) And she's not THAT stinky:) We'll be bathing this morning.