I feel sick

I'm at work, first of all, trying to get through the day without losing it. Our social worker called and had some news about A. After the social worker left a note in the mailbox of her last known address yesterday, someone called the agency. It seems A isn't living there anymore. After Christmas, her boyfriend (and the birth father), got out of jail. So, she stole everything this guy has and left to go back with the boyfriend. What does this mean for us? That's selfish, and I know it, but what do we do? Does that mean that now he's out of jail that they'll want to keep the baby? If they stole money, jewelry, etc. from this guy are they long gone? I feel myself just falling apart. How do people get through this?
I know this isn't the end of it. She's still going to give birth, and she still may want to place, but everything keeps pointing to it not happening. Why can't she just CALL and tell them what's going on?
I can't go through this; I just can't.

Question

Do any of you know any statistics on adoption/match disruption? I am freaking out more and more every day, and I am wondering how founded my concerns are. Do most women who sign with adoption agencies place? Our potential birthmom, according to all I've read, isn't risky (other than that whole lack of communication thing). She's got an older child who she doesn't have custody of, she has no home, she has no support, and social services will more than likely take this baby if she doesn't relinquish her rights.

I spoke with our agency today. There is no news at all. She still hasn't called. She signed with them in Dec. and hasn't called back since she signed. I guess there's no real reason for her to call. She didn't want to choose the family, and she is in complete denial, according to the social worker. They think she'll just call when at the hospital. I hope she does.

Nursery Updates

This doesn't mean you can skip reading my post below! :) We worked on the nursery over the weekend, though, and I wanted to a pic. You may only view it only if you promise to read my long post below. I'm trusting you.

Ignore the light cord and the crooked lampshade...okay, we're not totally finished. I love the boxes my husband hung. We're getting there.

I've been tagged! :)

So, TeamWinks over at Are We There Yet? tagged me to write a Meme of six things that are strange about me. It's sad how excited I am to do this:) I feel like one of the popular girls in school. :) So, six things...here we go:

1. I still get nervous about the next day of work on Sunday nights. This stems back from dreading going back to school after a weekend. I don't mind my job, really, but I hate leaving my warm, cozy house.

2. I like to clean. Really. I get into my groove with embarassing music like The Carpenters or Debbie Gibson (who doesn't want to clean to "Shake Your Love"?). I love looking around at my clean house. I love knowing that every piece of clothing we own is clean, folded, and put away.

3. I have a little pencil mark on my right knee. When I was a kid, there (for some odd reason) was a really sharp pencil laying on our carpet. The phone rang, and I was scooting across the floor on my knees to get it. The pencil went through my jeans and right into my knee. Luckily, pencils aren't really made of lead anymore, but 15 years later, I still have a little black pencil dot on my knee. It's really attractive.

4. This is going to be another crazy wound story. I have a dent in my forehead. Seriously. When I raise my eyebrows up, you can see a big, dented circle right in the middle. When I was four, my dad was just getting home from work one afternoon, and I went running across the garage to meet his car. I don't how I could've missed it, but I tripped over the handle of my red wagon and face planted into the cement. My parents were really worried because the knot on my head started swelling in rather than out. I'm fine, but to this day, I still have a head dent:) I didn't realize how clumsy I am until I started making this list!

5. I like to visit open houses. We aren't looking for a new home AT ALL, but I love going to open houses on Sunday afternoons. I think it's the inner busybody in me, but I love looking at how people have their furniture set up, and most of all, I like when the realtor leaves us alone so I can scope out people's pictures, books, and DVDs. It's a sickness. :)

6. I'm crazy for sample sites (spoofee.com, etc.) and doing online surveys. I haven't bought deodorant for about a year because of freebies I've gotten online.

I'm glad I could examine how strange I really am:) Now I have to tag five people...let's see:
Domesticated: http://www.domesticated.typepad.com/domesticated/
Lani at Hopelessly Waiting: http://www.hopelesslywaitingtobeamommy.blogspot.com/
Kir's Corner: http://piccinigirlcorner.blogspot.com/
Amazing Journey: http://amazingjourney.blogs.com/amazing_journey/
Red Velvet Cake: http://redvelvetcake.typepad.com/

I just picked some people from blogs that I read daily, so I hope those are proper blogger manners. I can't wait to read them:)

No news on the adoption front, except that Amanda is now 37 weeks, which is considered by most to be full term. AND we finished the nursery this weekend. I'll have to post pictures when I get home from work. Yes, I'm at work...so what? :)

Crying during laundry

I took the tags off of some of the more gender neutral baby clothes we have last night, and I washed them. I cried off and on the entire time. Definitely not the reaction I thought I would have. This is going to be incredibly un-politically correct of me, but I am terrified our potential birthmom will change her mind. On all the adoption boards, they'd jump all over me for saying that and tell me it's her baby until the revocation period is up and that it's never a failure when a woman chooses to parent her child. I know all that. It's another thing entirely to have gone through the incredible pain of infertility and to FINALLY have hope that a baby is on its way.
I know how important it is that birth families have rights and are treated with respect and love. At the same time, this isn't the first time most of us have been faced with the possible loss of all hope. There has to be a balance between compassion for the potential birth family and for the adoptive family.

I'm not sure where this is coming from; I suppose because the due date is approaching, and I'm starting to do concrete things to get ready. Nothing has happened to indicate that A will change her mind, so all this worry is truly unfounded, but I can't seem to stop myself from it. How do you continue to protect your heart?

How do teenagers get pregnant and have children so easily? :)

I am the champion of exercise

So, I've worked out two days in a row now...isn't that enough? :) It's funny how much better I feel after just two days. My muscles hurt like a beast, but it's that good kind of hurt that reminds me that I've done something good for myself. And really, it's helping so much with all this adoption stress.

We got an email from the agency we're using yesterday. Just when you think there's no more paperwork or forms to fill out, you get an email saying your paperwork is incomplete. I thought I'd rip my hair out. We have less than four weeks until A's due date, and we have a list of ten more forms, certificates, etc. to get organized. It's been said a million times, but any idiot can give birth to a child, but I feel like I've had to prove myself countless times to be a suitable parent. I know it's to prevent weirdos from adopting, but it gets frustrating having to answer for the millionth time what my parenting philosophy is and what I hope to most impart on my children.

The good news is, though, that with the request for more info came an update. A (our potential birth mom) has had a bit of medical care. She saw a doctor very early on in her pregnancy. She tested negative for all STDs and for all drugs. That's a relief to us since she tested positive for cocaine a few weeks ago. She says she has no idea how she tested positive. It seems like a good indication that maybe she only uses occasionally if she tested negative early on in the pregnancy. All I want is for her to call the agency and have ONE ultrasound. Should I worry that she hasn't had much medical care? Should I worry that we have so little knowledge of or contact with her? Our social worker put it best when she said that at the end of this is a child who needs a family. In less than four weeks, if she places, then none of this will matter. It won't matter that we don't get updates frequently. It won't matter that I've had to detail our infertility battles numerous times for numerous agencies. All that matters is that there may be a baby who needs a family. I hope we get to be that family!

Baby Clothes

I couldn't resist! I did some shopping at the Carter's outlet on the way back home from the holidays. I was a bit hesitant because our situation is tenuous at best, but everything I got is gender neutral, and I know we'll eventually be parents, so I went for it! It was all I could do not to go nuts! My husband's pick was the "metal" baby hand:)

A little update for you guys: still no doctor's appointment scheduled, but I've done a bunch of research on bmoms and what they go through. Many stop contacting the agency at the end of the pregnancy because it's part of their grieving process. I know this is quite a generalization, but it did make me feel a bit better. I have to keep reminding myself that whatever will be will be regardless of whether I worry or not. So, I'm trying to remain positive. According to babycenter.com, the baby 35 weeks and 1 day. It's hard not to get excited when I read that he/she is probably already around 5lbs. :) Hope all is well for you guys in blogger land.

What a year!

Sorry for the long absence! We were visiting family for the holidays and things got crazy. An update on the adoption, since I know that's what you're all in this for:) It's been much more difficult than I ever expected. I thought that we'd match and then I'd be so happy and content to finally have the possibility of a baby. Not at all! Our bmom is what our social worker likes to call "flighty." She hasn't seen a doctor much at all during her pregnancy, and we'd like her to see one before she gives birth. Our social worker can't find her now. I know it's the holidays and that bmoms often remove themselves from contact once they've signed with an agency, but it's wearing on my mind so much! She is homeless and doesn't have any support, so they have no real doubts that she'll place because if she doesn't, she thinks child protective services will take the baby. BUT, I have more compassion and I hurt more for her than I ever thought I would. I want her to call the agency so she can use some of the expenses set aside for her. I want her to rent an apartment with that money. I want her to eat and feel safe for as long as possible. Right now, I feel like I think more about her than I do about the baby. It's bizarre when someone holds your future in their hands but doesn't know the first thing about you.
I also wanted to thank you guys SO much for your support! The comments and emails have been much appreciated.
Happy New Year to everyone! Be safe and have fun:)

It's a match:)

We signed and sent the deposit yesterday! I have the strangest mix of emotions! I am, of course, over the moon about the possibility of being a mommy in six weeks! After all the infertility, after the waiting for the homestudy and waiting for a match, to know there might be only six weeks left in our journey to our baby brings tears to my eyes. But, I think all of you infertiles can understand, I feel like I've developed a shield around me heart through all of this. Getting through this has been the most difficult thing I've ever done, and I feel like I'm holding back on my excitement because I need to protect myself in case something falls through.
We've been told our birthmom is flighty, so it may be hard to get her to have another ultra sound, but they feel like she's not hesitant at all about placing.
I have to just trust. I have to trust the people at the agency. I have to trust our birthmom's decision. I have to trust that God will lead us through this regardless of the outcome.
Is it insane that I've already printed out a map to get us there, have a hotel chosen, and have visited her hospital's website? :)
Thanks for all the support, bloggers! Keep us in your thoughts, prayers, finger crosses!!
Happy Holidays!

Update

We're being sent the contract from our agency this morning. Our potential birthmom is going to see a doctor and have an ultra sound to check gender, but most importantly, to check for damage done by drugs. She'll also have another drug test. I'm struggling so much with trying not to get too excited and too hopeful. I feel like I've waited for so long to be able to match and shout it from the rooftops, but now that it's so close to actually happening, I feel hesitant. I just don't know if I could handle it if something falls through. I know adoption is never a guarantee, but I feel like the next six weeks waiting for the baby to be born and then the wait for her to sign is going to be very emotional and stressful. Do I go ahead and buy more stuff? Once we find out the gender, do I buy some little clothes?
This is SO scary!!
Thanks for the support! :)