4 months old!

Our baby girl is four months old today! We get to mark the occasion by visiting the pediatrician and getting FOUR shots. It's such a nightmare; much more so for Mommy than for Lily! :) She's sound asleep now moving her little lips like she has a paci...but she doesn't.

I'm feeling mighty reflective today. Every month, I send Autumn a packet with a letter and new pictures of Lily and I pray so hard for her and her family. I know I've said this before, but I miss her so much and wish so badly that I could just know how she's doing. But, I know that she knows how to contact us and will when/if she's ready.

Also, I'm reflecting on being a mom. It's totally cliche, but I never knew I could love this much. But, I've also been having a tough couple of days. Any mom who tells you she's always got it together is lying! :) Being a stay at home mom is the best thing for me, but it's also much more difficult than I thought it would be. I spend about an hour last night crying out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. (Please, please don't post a comment here if you're going to say that there are many women out there who would do anything to be in my position. I know how blessed I am, but I want to be able to express myself here honestly, and honestly, I'm beat!) :) I feel terrible to admit it, but there are moments when I think, "What in the world have I gotten myself into?" I think so many women have a romanticized version of mommy-hood in their heads; especially those of us who have struggled with infertility and who want a baby so badly. And nobody ever admits that they have days where they want to "run away." My mom and I talked over the weekend, and she told me she felt like that from time to time. I was really surprised. My mom is this amazing super-woman, and I know she adores us. I've said a million times that if I can be half the mother she is, I'll be in good shape. She said her "runaway" spot is Wyoming:) She used to think to herself, "I'll just get a little cottage in the mountains. A nice peaceful spot where I can go to the bathroom without a baby crying or a kid barging in." :) I loved it! My runaway spot is Mexico...I hear the beach calling me. But then, I see the most beautiful little girl smile up at me, and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be. Spit-up stains, dirty diapers, exhaustion, frustration and all!

I finished the book! and new Lily pictures

I have been totally MIA online because if I had read a Harry Potter spoiler, I would've been so disappointed. It wouldn't have ruined my life like some of the people I've seen on the news lately:), but I would've been bummed. And I LOVED it!! It was everything I could havewanted and it's not often that a book can say that. Especially one so hyped. Fellow fans, feel free to comment, but no spoilers for those who are still carving out time in their busy schedules of new mommy-ness or during work or IVF cycles or whatever :)

We had some professional pictures taken of Lily and of us as a family. Some of them are good, but she was so grumpy that they just don't capture her Lily-ness. :) I have to say that my favorite pictures are the ones we've taken here at home. So many of the professional ones just don't look like her. I mean, I know they are her, but they don't capture what I see every day. But, they are beautiful and I'm going to post a few. And I'm going to do something I didn't think I'd ever do and post one of us and one of our little family. Now that I'm not teaching, I don't feel the need to be AS "undercover" on this blog. Watch that just bite me in the hiney, but whatever. The ones with us are hilarious because she just looks so uninterested in taking pictures. We're both all smiley and she's just like, Whatever, get this over with. There's also a great one of her and my nephew. He thought he'd be a nice cousin and share his thumb with her:) I'll also post one that we've taken so you can see the real deal. :) It's one of my new favorites when she's just gotten up from her nap. I love her sleepy little eyes. Yes, we let her nap on her tummy. Our pedi. said it's fine since she's got such great head control AND because we check on her regularly AND because she's close to rolling over on her own. Mom guilt...it's a terrible thing. :)

Also, I took Lily out to have lunch with a friend yesterday. The hostess lifted up her carrier cover to see her and said, "Oh my gosh, that is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen." I smiled like always and said, "Isn't she?" :) And THEN, she asked how old she is and I told her....and she said, "Oh my gosh, that's it? I bet she weighs more than my 2 year old." I thought I might have to throw down with her right there in the Chilis lobby. Lily IS such a chub. BUT, she's a baby and she's healthy and happy, and that's how they're supposed to be, right? She's not abnormally chubby. It's funny how at home I can call her chubs and giggle at her leg rolls, but when the hostess at Chilis tells me my 4 month old weighs as much as her 2 year old, it's on.

:)

I Heart Harry Potter - NO spoilers :)

I'm about to show my true self. I have to confess something to you. I am nuts for Harry Potter. I just saw The Order of the Phoenix tonight (LOVED IT!), and I think I may go crazy waiting for Sat. Yes, I will be one of those people in line waiting for the new book. I am going to avoid all things news and media related until I finish the book because I think it would seriously make me have a melt down if the ending was told to me before I finished.
Some of you may slowly be backing away from my blog now:) But, I have a feeling I'm not alone in this mania! :) I'm off to find summaries of the previous couple of books so I can remind myself of all the small details. I know I have a small child to attend to...she'll be alright for a day or two, right? (kidding!!!...mostly...) :)

2 down, 1 to go! :)

We had our second post-placement meeting yesterday. It was a total breeze. We were asked questions about bonding and whether or not we had heard anything from Autumn. Our social worker said Lily seems far ahead of most babies her age (of course!), and that she is one of the happiest babies she's ever seen. We think that, but it's very nice to hear a social worker say so:) She also gave us a timeline for finalization. I never thought finalization would be so important to me because from what I hear it's mostly a formality. But, I can't wait! It will be such a special day! Hopefully we'll have a court date in October some time. Our agency requires the baby be at least six months old.

In non-baby related life (is there such thing?), we are starting to consider taking a little vacation in Dec. We really want to go back to Mexico, and I know it's not something that a baby would enjoy. I am SO torn, though, about leaving her. We've been away from her only one night (My husband's 30th birthday), and it was killer! But, we did end up having a great time, and it was so nice to be "responsibility-free" for one night. But, could I do a week? Am I terrible for even considering it this early in her life? Would a shorter time be better? She will be 8 months by then, and I do think it would be so good for our marriage to be able to refocus on each other for a bit. Not that we're in trouble!!! :) Just had to clarify! The beach just sounds soooo good to me right now! I'm off to do a little vacation research online...I'm strange, but I like the planning of a vacation nearly as much as the trip itself :)

My blog's title

I've gotten a few emails over the course of my blog about my title and where it comes from. When we started our adoption journey, my Nana (the world's sweetest woman....and the best cook!) sent me this poem:

Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it
- Fleur Conkling Heylinger

It may sound silly, but I get the chills every single time I read it. The "pregnancy" tends to be a bit longer. The labor is a different kind of pain, but still as intense. And I feel with my entire being that Lily grew in my heart as I prayed for her and waited for her to come home.

3:00 am feedings and being a mommy

I can't believe I haven't posted yet this month. I'm a bad blogger! :) Lily has been the world's best sleeper...until now. She's started getting up for a bottle again around 3:00 am and then going back to sleep until 9 or so. I'm not going to not feed her when she's crying and her little tummy rumbles when the food hits it. But, I feel like we're going backwards and starting "bad habits." Any advice? Anybody else have this happen around 4 months?

Also, in adoption-related news, even though Lily's birthfather is deceased, we had to have paternal rights relinquished (love the red tape!). We got a letter from our attorney today stating they have been. And we have our second post-placement on Monday. So, now all we have to do for finalization is wait for the six month waiting period to be over.

The real reason for this post, though, isn't 3:00am feedings. Lily laughed two days ago for the first time! And something unbelievable opened up in me. I've loved her and nurtured her and been her mom from day one, but this was different. Warning, I am about to get sappy and emotional. For all of you women out there who are waiting to be moms, I can't tell you enough how worth every single second of pain and heart break is. Anyone contemplating adoption who thinks, "Will I love this baby like my own?" You will. There is NO love like this. There is no way any person loves any other person more than I love my Lily. Some day you will either finally conceive your baby or you will be matched with the baby who is meant for you, and you will know. This journey is SO hard; it is the toughest thing most of us will ever endure. But, I would do every single thing the exact same way because it gave me Lily. When I was growing up, I always pictured my kids with blond straight hair...I guess because that's what I have. God blessed me with a dark, curly headed little girl that makes me smile and laugh and brings me more joy and hope and faith in Him and in the good in the world than I ever thought possible. If you're reading this and going through the pain of infertility, please take comfort that someday, even though you don't know when, you will have a little one who will laugh for the first time and will completely and utterly take over your entire heart...and house:)

I did it! I worked out today!

I just feel so good about myself after I work out. It's SO hard to get the motivation to do it, but once it's over, I feel like I'm a champ:) I rented "The Biggest Loser" workout DVD from Blockbuster, and it kicked my butt! But, I loved it:) It's so inspirational to see the people on there who have worked so hard and gotten into such great shape. And I love the idea that it's not really about getting "skinny" but about being the best you can be.

If any of you guys are working out or trying to get into shape and want to email to try to support each other, I'd so love that. It's tough to find time to devote to working out with Miss Lil in our house, but I have to do it for myself. I feel like I've started to become that "mom" stereotype who doesn't have time for herself, and I don't want that. Look at me all empowered:)

Now if I can just eat right today. That's tougher for me than working out! I heart junk food. :)

Stop looking at the tv, Lily! :)

I have a confession to make. Lily loves television. I don't let her watch, but she does everything in her power to turn toward to the tv and watch whenever it's on. She particularly loved "The Closer" when I watched that. It's hilarious! I can step in front of her or try to turn her little head, and she totally ignores me until she can "watch" her show again.
She cranes her tiny neck around to get a good view. It really is so funny. We don't "let" her watch or just sit her in front of it, so I'm not too concerned developmentally, but it's funny how drawn to it she is. I'm sure it's just because of the flashing lights and changing picture. Or do I have an addict on my hands? :)

A few new pics

I love these. My husband calls her "Chef Lily" and puts her pants on her head. Nice. Aren't her chubby legs the greatest? She's so gorgeous.

My heart could burst with love.

Cloth diapers? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Any of you use cloth diapers or are you considering doing so? We talked about it before Lily came and to be really honest, now that she's here and I've changed some of her icky diapers, I can't imagine doing it. We are trying so hard in our house to be environmentally friendly because it's something we feel strongly about. But what does it say about my commitment to the issue that the idea of putting her stinky diapers into my washing machine makes me want to buy stock in Huggies? :)
Just wanting to feel this out and see if any of you have done it successfully. Any helpful hints?

We're sending our third package of Lily pictures and a letter to A. We have not heard back from her yet, which I understand totally, but it still makes me sad. It's strange how much I miss her. I know I've said it before, but I always thought I'd be open only to closed adoption or semi-private where we just send pictures. If A called today, I'd want to jump in my car and go see her. We have this bond that no person can understand unless they've been there. I mentioned the other day in casual conversation at a family gathering that if Lily wants to meet A, I'd be super-supportive because I want to see her again. My dad was shocked; he kept saying the typical "Won't that confuse Lily" and "What's the point of going back and digging up the past?" responses. But, I know he just wants to protect us. He can't understand that Lily's past is our past and that these people are our family even if we never speak to them again.
Adoption is incredible. I'm even still just now really grasping what happened and how magical (for lack of a better word) our entire journey has been. I feel truly blessed. I'm overwhelmed with love for my girl.

But I still don't want her poopy diapers in my washing machine. :)