Antsy

No news yet. On the agency's website, one of the situations is taken down. Does that mean she's chosen already or does that mean they don't need any more profiles for her? Our contact there said she'd call us either way, so I'm not freaking out yet. Also, the woman due in April has had her due date moved up to April 2!!! That is less than two weeks away. I don't want to get too excited, but I want this so badly.
Keep me from going nuts! Is there good tv on tonight? Wednesday nights are kind of blah. Maybe I'll exercise...or bake cupcakes:)

**Update** I just reached a new low in adoption obsession. I called and left a voicemail with the agency saying I had forgotten to ask a question about the fees. I didn't forget. I asked. Probably more than once. But, I just couldn't stop myself from trying to get in touch with them just in case they had any news. As if they wouldn't call the second someone chose us....oh, I am a loser. Cupcakes it is. :)

HOPE!

We just got a call from one of the agencies we're working with. They have TWO situation they're showing us to in the next week. One may even be shown today. One woman is due mid April and one is the first of May...that's SOON! I have to remind myself that it may still take a week or even more for the expectant moms to make their decisions, but I'm suddenly filled with so much hope. This CAN happen out of nowhere...and from most of the blogs I read, it happens totally out of nowhere:) Not wanting to get too excited, but it's just a nice little boost on a rainy Monday.

No complaints

Okay, I am a total sap. Truly. Commercials with babies make me cry. At Christmas, the Folgers commercial where the big brother comes home early in the morning for Christmas and the little sister is the only one up and they make coffee for the house...I sniffle. The Chase credit card commercials with the Five for Fighting Song "100 years" that shows which Chase card will suit which time in your life...tears free flow. It's embarrassing, really.
Anyway, the sap in me is a huge sucker for Ty Pennington and "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." The plot is the same every week. They demolish a house, they build a new house, the family comes home and there are tears. The thing that is different is the personal family story. I cry at every single one. Last night, a family's home was destroyed by a tornado. The father is a firefighter and was away from the house during the storm. The mom saved her two little boys' lives but became paralyzed from the waist down. Though I cry at every show, this one really killed me. I can't get it out of my mind. I know what we've been through is tough, and I'm not in any way downplaying the hurt of infertility. But, it's so easy to become so self-absorbed because of it and to feel like nobody hurts the way I do. I think it's the constant cycle monitoring and daily shots, tests, or whatever of infertility. And then the waiting by the phone and checking email a million times a day of adoption. You can't ever step away from it for fear that the ONE second you do, you'll miss an opportunity. Watching this family last night was a big reminder for me. This woman will never walk again. My body is perfectly functional. She has two beautiful sons, but she can't run around and play with them. My someday children may not come from my body, but I'll be able to run and play with them.
Infertility has robbed me of many things. But, I'm starting to become a stronger person because of it. I WILL be a mom someday, and I don't care how it happens. I don't need to give birth to a child; I just need to be able to love one. I'm a very blessed woman, and it's important for me to occasionally dig myself out of my little hole and remember that. Not that it heals the pain, but it helps to see that the pain could be much worse. And it helps to see families like the one on tv last night who has been through sheer hell and have come through it stronger and with more love for each other.
My husband says I'm exactly the target audience of that show:) He says they're manipulating people like me through emotion..and maybe he's right. It does make me want to shop at Sears more because they donate all the stuff for the homes. :)
Happy Monday, all! :)

Kindness

I've talked (or gushed) before about how much I love the community of adoptive parents and infertiles that I've come to know online and through this blog. There are so many things that my real world friends just can't understand about what we've been through in the last couple of years. So many women have posted so many comments of support, have emailed me when I feel like I can't go through this anymore, and I feel like many of you are right there laughing, crying, pulling your hair out, or whatever :) with me as I try to navigate my way to mommy-hood.

I had a completely moving and overwhelming email from my blog pal Laurie yesterday. She used to blog, but due to ridiculous comments and criticism from people saying how wrong adoption is and how horrible we all are for stealing babies, she took her blog down. I won't even go into how vile I think people are for posting such mean and disgusting things on other people's blogs. Anyway, she now has a totally gorgeous little girl. She emailed me and said that while she was picking her daughter up, she mentioned me to the agency. She wanted to make sure they'd seen my profile, that they knew how much we want to be parents and that they were aware of our story and what we've been through. I read her email about ten times with tears in my eyes each time. That someone would think of us and our struggle while she is in probably the happiest, busiest, most overwhelming time of her life is amazing to me. It's true friendship. It's the epitome of the bond that ties all of us together. She GETS what I'm going through, where I've come from, and what I want and we've only ever talked through our blogs.

This is just one example in a long list of examples of kindness I've experienced through you guys. When I have a question about an adoption law, I get an email from Barely Sane walking me through Ohio's laws and her experience. I am unsure about the path I've taken in not signing with a traditional agency, and I get an email from GLouise saying that she's doing the same thing and we'll go through it together. I get so much strength from the blogs of women pursuing adoption or parenting adopted babies or struggling with infertility. To all of the women whose blogs I read every day (you know who you are because I'm a habitual commenter) and who I feel like I experience the ups and downs with; you are all amazing and I thank you for your support, encouragement, kindness and for baring your souls with every blog entry.

Am I totally pmsing or what? I'm so emotional and just so moved by the kindness that has poured out from all of you. Thank you. Where's my chocolate? :)

Families

**Update: Here are two pics from the wedding. The first one is the wedding party, and the second is my brother's new fam! :)

There is nothing more beautiful than the creation of a family. I posted quickly yesterday just because I couldn't wait to get the picture of the baby in his tux up:) And barelysane, you're right, the paci makes the outfit! :) There are things I'd like to flesh out a little, though.

First of all, the wedding was beautiful! They did all the pictures ahead of time, which was great. I got to keep the baby overnight Sat. night and I loved it! I want to focus, though, on my brother building a family. As I came down the aisle and saw my brother at the front of the church holding the baby in his arms, I started crying. Not sad tears because I don't have a baby or sad tears at the change in our family, but tears because I knew I was experiencing one of the most beautiful moments of my life. During my own wedding, I was too frazzled and nervous to really take anything in, but during this one, I fully experiencing the joining of two families. It was incredible; I can't even articulate to you how I felt. I'm so overwhelmed with love for my new sister and my new, beautiful nephew. I am also in awe of God because I feel like He has given me so much through my family. We were nervous at first to pursue adoption because of all the silly ideas that adopted kids aren't "yours." My nephew is not blood related to us at all, but he is our family. My brother is his dad, and I am his (favorite!) aunt. I know I've said this before, but I truly believe that all of this happened at the same time for a reason. I know beyond a doubt that I will love our children with my whole heart, regardless of how they come to us.

I have to also write quickly (and totally ruin the sentimental, pure tone of this post) about a message on our voice mail when we got home. My husband's cousin is (or was) 38 weeks pregnant on Friday. She went in and was sure they'd have her stay, but she was less than 1 cm dilated. The problem lies in the message left for us. It was two minutes long, and her husband was nearly in tears because they wouldn't keep her and they would "have to wait an entire week" to meet their new daughter. I know I shouldn't be so sensitive, but it made me furious. They are well aware of our situation, and I know they must be really anxious to meet their daughter, but to tell someone who has been waiting for YEARS, not weeks to become a parent that you don't know how you'll make it another week until the baby you already are carrying inside you and has been part of your family for eight months is born maybe isn't the most sensitive thing to do. Okay, vent over, but people are stupid. :)

On the adoption front, not much is new. There is a situation due early April that we want to be shown on, but the agency hasn't called us back about it yet. I guess they may be behind, but I hate waiting on them. Do you guys ever feel like TTC/adopting is a full time job? I really wish I could quit working and focus on it 100%....I type as I'm sitting in my classroom blogging while students do group work. I'm worthless!!! :)

A Baby in a Tux

I'm back! The wedding was absolutely beautiful; I'll post a longer post later, but I just had to pop on quickly to post a picture of my new nephew in his tiny tux. Is there anything cuter?

4 weeks

I've been doing much better lately. We've got some more possible leads, and I scour the internet about fifty times a day for possible situations. But, last night, in my inbox was a "Your Baby at 4 Weeks" email from Baby Center. I had put in our match's due date so I could follow Amanda's pregnancy. Because I'll probably never carry a child, it made me feel closer to the situation to be able to follow the baby's development. Stupid me, I forgot to adjust the due date or remove that feature all together and got an email for that baby's 4th week of life. I still think of that baby and of Amanda. I hope she's doing well. I hope she's away from the man who threatened her and her baby. I pray that she's staying away from drugs and has found a place to live. Please, please do not scold me about birthmom's rights or about the baby being where he should be. I know that's not necessary to say for the most part, but I'm really tender today and couldn't take being scolded for not being PC enough about adoption.

When we started our homestudy, I read online that adoption was one of the hardest things most families go through. I thought they meant the paperwork! :) I really did.

Some happy news: My little brother is getting married Saturday. We have a really unique family situation, but one that I cherish so much. My brother's fiance was three months pregnant when they met (with the gorgeous baby you see pics of on here regularly). She had fallen into a situation that she now regrets, and the birth father wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. They met at church, and to me, that is the ultimate story of redemption and what Christianity should be about. She was pregnant, but the church didn't shun or lecture her. My brother didn't shun her. He fell in love with her and will become a husband and a daddy on Saturday. I find so much hope and so much faith in having her and the baby in our lives. He is "adopted" into our family. He isn't genetically related to any of us. But, my brother would give his life for that baby. I haven't once thought of him as my "adopted nephew." He is mine. He is ours. 100%. I can't wait for them to legally become what they already are in our hearts.
AND...the baby is wearing a tux. It's pin striped and has a vest, just like his soon-to-be Daddy's. Don't worry, there will be many pics posted! :)

Response to Comment

I don't want to get defensive, but I want to reply to a comment posted by "Just me" on the last post asking if I just want "any" baby or if I want a good, ethical situation. I'm a total wimp, and maybe I'm not reading that the right way, but that feels harsh to me. I DO want a good, ethical situation, but this blog is mostly for me to be able to vent. I'm not frustrated that I don't just have any baby yet. I'm frustrated that the people I have paid hard earned money to haven't done their jobs. I understand that there are MANY birthmoms who do and SHOULD parent their babies. But, that doesn't make it hurt less. This blog is for me and for my feelings. I feel pain that I'm not a mom yet. I feel frustration that I'm not physically able to give birth to a child. It's discouraging that we keep missing out on potential situations, but that doesn't mean I want a baby at any cost. I don't want this at the expense of anyone else, but my pain and our journey is what I blog about.
I totally understand what you posted about God having more in store for me than just having a child. I feel like I have already grown so much through this entire process, but I've also experienced a great deal of pain and loss that isn't easy to handle. Being a potential adoptive parent, I feel like we're often painted as the bad guy who is taking a child from his/her "real" parents. I'm not that person. You did an awesome job with your potential birthmoms, and I know you have an amazing relationship with your baby's birthmom. I'm just trying to find my way through this journey the best way I can. I feel judged often by my decisions regarding adoption and hurt very much by what people think or say. I pray that I'm doing what God wants me to do, and I know I've been protected by Him on the way. But, my pain is real, and the disappointment is real. I will be a great mother, and very often, I ache for a baby. This blog is about that.
I may just be WAY too sensitive, and please don't let this cause too much trouble, but I did want to address the question. I hope this has all come out right and that the feelings behind it (NO anger or sarcasm or snarkiness, just some sadness and a hope to convey what I feel) have come through. (I've just spend the last 30 min. agonizing over every word of this hoping that I don't offend anyone...I'm a total loser.) :)

How many more minutes of work?

I am so ready for the weekend. I haven't posted updates because so much has changed and happened all week. After hearing we didn't make it in time to be presented to the little boy due soon, we had TWO more potential situations of babies already born that we were told about, but weren't able to be shown to. It has been horrible.

We're aren't working directly with one agency, which has it's upsides. Our profile is with multiple agencies, so we get shown more and we have more situations shown to us. BUT, our social workers at one agency (who were once so eager to help us) have seemed to really drop the ball lately. On these last two potential situations, she "didn't get the message" from the agency about the situations until the next day. PLEASE! I know people have lives outside my adoption, but in this business, waiting one more day means the world. Waiting one more day is the difference between us getting shown and us not getting shown.

I am a Christian woman. I believe in God and believe that Jesus is my Savior. I have a personal relationship with God, I pray, I go to church, and I try to serve others the way the Bible teaches. BUT, if one more person (no offense anyone, please...Mom, you're included in this!) tells me that God will bring us our baby in His time....or that God will open doors when He is ready...or that we must not be praying HARD ENOUGH (Yep, we've gotten that), I will kill someone. It doesn't help. It doesn't make me feel better that God hasn't "chosen" me to be a mother yet. Our last email from our social worker who did our homestudy told me not to get discouraged because God can open a window anytime and that it's all in His time. This from a woman who already has her babies at home.
WHAT are we doing wrong? Our profile is beautiful; you should see it! We look like the poster people for a great family. We're young, healthy, and completely in love with each other. We have a nice house in a great neighborhood. We're both teachers. We're open to any baby of any race. We've pushed and pushed ourselves financially to meet what seem to be the "going rates" for babies. I know all there is to do is wait. But, I hate it. I absolutely hate every second of this.

We're going to try to have a "date" weekend. We're going out for dinner and maybe a movie tonight (it's sad how exciting that is! :). I'm not going to clean the house, and I'm not going to grade any papers. I won't look at our Babies R Us registry, and I'm keeping the door to the nursery shut all weekend.

How much wine can I consume and still feel okay about going to church Sun. ? That's a joke, Mom....mostly. :)

Backsliding

Remember that strong, confident, hopeful girl from a few days ago? She is long gone. We got an email this morning saying that the social worker was too late in submitting our profile for the baby boy situation due in a couple of weeks. Too late? I know these people have lives, but they are in control of my entire life. Why can't they do what they're being paid to do?

I know this is because it's compounding on all the pain of the past few months, but I don't know how I'm going to make it through my day. How much more disappointment will we go through? These things bring out all those feelings I thought I had gotten through. Bitterness and self-pity and thoughts like, "WHY is this easy for some people?" All I want in my life is to be able to love and parent a child. It's ridiculous and unfair and I HATE it.

I'm off to be grouchy to my co-workers now. They have to think I'm a total nut case.