I know you've all been just stewing over how I looked in my bridesmaid's dress :) I am happy to report that they are SO cute and completely flattering. I guess my life can go on now. I had such a great weekend at home. From all the comments on my last post, I see how many of us deal with separation and feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy because of our infertility struggles. It's so sad to me that so many of us smart, empathetic, and compassionate women feel like we aren't good enough. It's ridiculous and NOT true.
I'm also posting an updated pic of my nephew. Seriously, he's the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. It did my heart so much good to hold him and play with him. It reaffirms to me that this entire journey is so worth it!
Hope you all had great weekends! Back to work...yuck!
I'm traveling this weekend to see my family. They live about four hours away and are the best people in the world. My mom and my sister are my best friends in the world. I love them so much. I can't wait to see my nephew who I haven't seen since Christmas. He's about 7 months old now and they change so fast around that age.
I'm excited....but...(I hope this all comes out right because I'm not sure how to explain what I'm feeling)...I feel very nervous about going home. Since this entire infertility thing started, I feel incredibly self-conscious being at home. It's like I revert back to being an insecure little girl who doesn't feel good enough. NOBODY there is judgemental. It's absolutely insane. They all love me, and I know that. (and for the record, I have NOT put weight on since Christmas :) )Why do I feel like I'm going to be scrutinized when I get there?
As if my crazy paranoia isn't bad enough, my soon to be sister-in-law's bridal shower in Sat. But, before that begins, I have to go try on my bridesmaid's dress and have it fitted for the wedding. And okay, okay, I may have gained a few pounds since Christmas...the idea of putting on some tight, horrible bridesmaids dress in a bridal shop with mirrors highlighting every little flaw...someone please kill me NOW.
I know this is all in my head. All my clothes still fit. :) My family loves me and wants nothing but to support me during this crazy time. My brother is getting married and I want him to experience the complete joy that I've had in being married. I get to kiss my nephew's chubby cheeks and hear him giggle. I get to talk to my mom about our new possible adoption situations. I get to groan behind closed doors with my sister about our horrible bridesmaids dresses. I get to be with people who know where I come from and who know my history. I love them with all my heart, so why do I feel like I've let them down?
I had no idea that just a week after the due date of this failed match, I'd be so happy. I've been reminded how beautiful life is. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a husband who loves me with his entire heart. I know that he does. I'm a total dork, and he sees that every day. I don't wear make up at home, I put my jammies on the second I walk in the door from work (they're not from Victoria's Secret, either), and I can be crazy emotional. What an amazing gift to have someone to share my life who loves me completely.
AND....we got THREE phone calls about possible matches over the weekend. Two of them wanted open adoptions, which isn't something we're open to (no comments, please, it's our own preference), but one of them sounds perfect. They aren't matching her until next week, but they called to see if we'd be interested. The birthmom is due sometime in April (we'll get more details when they're ready to match) with a little GIRL!!! The birthmom has already placed a child with this agency, which they say is a great sign. I'm trying not to get too excited, but it is SO nice to have something positive to focus on. It sounds funny, but our previous match never felt good. It was always so iffy and we were always very uncomfortable with certain aspects of the situation. This one feels good. Not counting our chickens or anything, but just happy to be back in the running.
Any big Valentine plans?
It's like pulling a band-aid off. It would've been so much better to have just had our situation disrupt outright. The worst part was the waiting and knowing in my heart that it wasn't going to happen, but still holding out a tiny bit of hope that no person could be so heartless to have gone to an adoption agency, filled out paperwork, asked to be matched with family and to be given some expenses and then never contact them again. Why not just call and say you changed your mind?
But, now that it's over, I truly feel so much better. There is a sense of enormous relief in being out of a situation that was so harmful to me emotionally. I'm excited to be back out there and looking for a new match. We contacted all the agencies who have our profile and got put back on active status. I have to keep the faith that we won't wait forever for a new match. I want to have that feeling like I did in the beginning of all of this that I could be a mom at any moment.
My biggest complaint right now is agency fees. We are being shown at a certain agency who charges a flat fee of $35,000 for a Caucasian newborn. What kind of ridiculousness is that? We're open to any gender, ethnicity, some drug use, etc. and you'd think people would just want to find tiny little babies good homes. Not true; they want to do that, but they want to drive a BMW around while they do. They prey on people like me. People who have had disruptions or years of fertility treatments and would do just about anything, including writing a big fat check where the agency makes 25,000, the birth mom gets 4,000, and the lawyers get 6,000 just so I can bring a baby home and stop all this insanity.
I'm getting all worked up:) Okay, truly I am feeling so much better today and I thank you guys so much for your support. I say that every post now, but I can't tell you how much it's lifted us up.
So, it's the weekend...any big plans?
On Monday, I put in for a personal day this Friday. We get two days a year that are supposed to be for whatever we want. We've pretty much decided that Friday will be the day we break our match. It is going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done, and I really need a week day (while people are actually in the office) to be able to contact our agencies and the other agencies who have our profile. I got to work this morning and had an email waiting from my boss.
It said, "I was sent the form that you submitted requesting a “personal day” on our In-service date. I hesitate to approve this. If you refer to page 70 of the teacher handbook regarding Professional Development Requirement, you see you are required to have 24 hours of In-service every year. It is problematic to take the scheduled in-service days as “personal”. Is this something you could reschedule?"
This person is well aware of the situation we are going through. I emailed back and said "I have to break the match with a child I thought I would have at home by now. I have to unpack a suitcase that I've had ready to go full of tiny baby things. I have to start the search again for a child. I can not be at work on Friday. This is not something I can reschedule."
I know it wasn't personal and she has a job to do. But, it's just one more reminder than people don't GET IT! We're grieving the loss, yet again, of our dream of having a child. We have to go back to waiting and praying for a match, hoping we're deemed "good enough" by a birth mom to raise her child. The total lack of compassion for situations like this is flooring to me. Do you think she would ever ask a pregnant woman to reschedule anything? Doctors appointments, days of rest, etc. NO WAY. I feel like the fact that I've been here every day for the past six weeks while enduring a personal hell should earn me some sort of medal.
I'm so glad to have my blog pals who truly GET IT. Thank you all for your words of support and compassion. I read every single one to my husband, and it truly means the world to us. I know that some day, hopefully soon, every one of you will rejoice with us when we finally do bring our baby home.
But, right now I hate my job and everyone here :)
Today's the day. Still nothing, but I'm not surprised. Does anyone know if agencies put you to the top of their "lists" if you have a failed match? I've heard from a few people that it probably won't take us long to rematch. Any experience with that?
Just like when I was shocked that I didn't get pregnant right away, I am really shocked that this has probably happened. I don't know why we always think we're above things happening to us, but I felt so strongly about adopting and I was so sure that it would happen quickly and painlessly for us. I can't wait for two weeks just in case she's late. We're taking it a day at a time, but Friday will probably be our limit. I don't want to give up on a child who may need me, but I'd also like to be able to move on if that's what I need to do.
Where is our baby? I want him/her to come home.
I have to say, first of all, thanks to Mel at Stirrups Queen for the shout-out in her Fridayblog round-up. It's a little embarassing how excited I was to see it :)
Next...my weekend has been filled with television. It's sad, but true. We watched the ENTIRE Lord of the Rings series yesterday. That's 12 hours of sitting on the couch watching tv. And that's not all. This morning, we watched "In America," which I can not recommend highly enough. It is one of the most beautiful movies I've ever seen. We started watching Super Bowl coverage at noon and are still at it. I have literally watched tv the entire weekend. I had to. It took all the energy I had to shower today. I feel completely frozen by this wait. I feel like I've already begun to mourn this loss, but I can't get over it because the due date isn't even here yet. I just want it to be over with.
I have this nursery full of furniture, tiny little clothes, silly baby toys, etc. and still no baby for any of it.
We saw a baby in Blockbuster last night (when we were renting our FOURTH movie of the weekend...shut up everyone) and I told my husband to grab it and run to the car. I was only half-joking. :)
The only new news is that no hospital has any record of Amanda yet. Our agency called just this morning and still nothing. Is that good news? I have no idea. It could mean that she hasn't gone into labor yet. It could mean she's not even in the state anymore. It could mean she gave birth a month ago. It could mean I might need a straight jacket soon.
My mom called last night and all I heard was her voice and I totally lost it. Why? Who knows. Because I'm turning into a crazy person, that's why. I go from total rage into complete despair into feeling hopeful because there's no WAY this woman can parent a child and she was the first person to admit it. CRAZY...that's me.
I know now why adoption agencies can charge $30,000 for babies. It's because you get to this point where you don't care what the cost is. They are able to get away with that because people like me get so desperate that they'll pay whatever it takes to whoever tells them they can get them a baby. Take out a loan? okay. Second mortage? sure. Just give me a baby and nobody gets hurt.
Yep, I'm nuts. How much longer?
As of today, no local hospitals have any records of Amanda. She is due in one week. I need input: how long after the due date do we hold out hope? She had an ultra sound very early, and doctors have told us that such an early ultrasound is probably very close to what her due date will be. What do you think?
I'm going to post something upbeat today. I want to focus on the positives in my life and things I'm excited about in the future. So, here it goes.
