4 weeks

I've been doing much better lately. We've got some more possible leads, and I scour the internet about fifty times a day for possible situations. But, last night, in my inbox was a "Your Baby at 4 Weeks" email from Baby Center. I had put in our match's due date so I could follow Amanda's pregnancy. Because I'll probably never carry a child, it made me feel closer to the situation to be able to follow the baby's development. Stupid me, I forgot to adjust the due date or remove that feature all together and got an email for that baby's 4th week of life. I still think of that baby and of Amanda. I hope she's doing well. I hope she's away from the man who threatened her and her baby. I pray that she's staying away from drugs and has found a place to live. Please, please do not scold me about birthmom's rights or about the baby being where he should be. I know that's not necessary to say for the most part, but I'm really tender today and couldn't take being scolded for not being PC enough about adoption.

When we started our homestudy, I read online that adoption was one of the hardest things most families go through. I thought they meant the paperwork! :) I really did.

Some happy news: My little brother is getting married Saturday. We have a really unique family situation, but one that I cherish so much. My brother's fiance was three months pregnant when they met (with the gorgeous baby you see pics of on here regularly). She had fallen into a situation that she now regrets, and the birth father wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. They met at church, and to me, that is the ultimate story of redemption and what Christianity should be about. She was pregnant, but the church didn't shun or lecture her. My brother didn't shun her. He fell in love with her and will become a husband and a daddy on Saturday. I find so much hope and so much faith in having her and the baby in our lives. He is "adopted" into our family. He isn't genetically related to any of us. But, my brother would give his life for that baby. I haven't once thought of him as my "adopted nephew." He is mine. He is ours. 100%. I can't wait for them to legally become what they already are in our hearts.
AND...the baby is wearing a tux. It's pin striped and has a vest, just like his soon-to-be Daddy's. Don't worry, there will be many pics posted! :)

Response to Comment

I don't want to get defensive, but I want to reply to a comment posted by "Just me" on the last post asking if I just want "any" baby or if I want a good, ethical situation. I'm a total wimp, and maybe I'm not reading that the right way, but that feels harsh to me. I DO want a good, ethical situation, but this blog is mostly for me to be able to vent. I'm not frustrated that I don't just have any baby yet. I'm frustrated that the people I have paid hard earned money to haven't done their jobs. I understand that there are MANY birthmoms who do and SHOULD parent their babies. But, that doesn't make it hurt less. This blog is for me and for my feelings. I feel pain that I'm not a mom yet. I feel frustration that I'm not physically able to give birth to a child. It's discouraging that we keep missing out on potential situations, but that doesn't mean I want a baby at any cost. I don't want this at the expense of anyone else, but my pain and our journey is what I blog about.
I totally understand what you posted about God having more in store for me than just having a child. I feel like I have already grown so much through this entire process, but I've also experienced a great deal of pain and loss that isn't easy to handle. Being a potential adoptive parent, I feel like we're often painted as the bad guy who is taking a child from his/her "real" parents. I'm not that person. You did an awesome job with your potential birthmoms, and I know you have an amazing relationship with your baby's birthmom. I'm just trying to find my way through this journey the best way I can. I feel judged often by my decisions regarding adoption and hurt very much by what people think or say. I pray that I'm doing what God wants me to do, and I know I've been protected by Him on the way. But, my pain is real, and the disappointment is real. I will be a great mother, and very often, I ache for a baby. This blog is about that.
I may just be WAY too sensitive, and please don't let this cause too much trouble, but I did want to address the question. I hope this has all come out right and that the feelings behind it (NO anger or sarcasm or snarkiness, just some sadness and a hope to convey what I feel) have come through. (I've just spend the last 30 min. agonizing over every word of this hoping that I don't offend anyone...I'm a total loser.) :)

How many more minutes of work?

I am so ready for the weekend. I haven't posted updates because so much has changed and happened all week. After hearing we didn't make it in time to be presented to the little boy due soon, we had TWO more potential situations of babies already born that we were told about, but weren't able to be shown to. It has been horrible.

We're aren't working directly with one agency, which has it's upsides. Our profile is with multiple agencies, so we get shown more and we have more situations shown to us. BUT, our social workers at one agency (who were once so eager to help us) have seemed to really drop the ball lately. On these last two potential situations, she "didn't get the message" from the agency about the situations until the next day. PLEASE! I know people have lives outside my adoption, but in this business, waiting one more day means the world. Waiting one more day is the difference between us getting shown and us not getting shown.

I am a Christian woman. I believe in God and believe that Jesus is my Savior. I have a personal relationship with God, I pray, I go to church, and I try to serve others the way the Bible teaches. BUT, if one more person (no offense anyone, please...Mom, you're included in this!) tells me that God will bring us our baby in His time....or that God will open doors when He is ready...or that we must not be praying HARD ENOUGH (Yep, we've gotten that), I will kill someone. It doesn't help. It doesn't make me feel better that God hasn't "chosen" me to be a mother yet. Our last email from our social worker who did our homestudy told me not to get discouraged because God can open a window anytime and that it's all in His time. This from a woman who already has her babies at home.
WHAT are we doing wrong? Our profile is beautiful; you should see it! We look like the poster people for a great family. We're young, healthy, and completely in love with each other. We have a nice house in a great neighborhood. We're both teachers. We're open to any baby of any race. We've pushed and pushed ourselves financially to meet what seem to be the "going rates" for babies. I know all there is to do is wait. But, I hate it. I absolutely hate every second of this.

We're going to try to have a "date" weekend. We're going out for dinner and maybe a movie tonight (it's sad how exciting that is! :). I'm not going to clean the house, and I'm not going to grade any papers. I won't look at our Babies R Us registry, and I'm keeping the door to the nursery shut all weekend.

How much wine can I consume and still feel okay about going to church Sun. ? That's a joke, Mom....mostly. :)

Backsliding

Remember that strong, confident, hopeful girl from a few days ago? She is long gone. We got an email this morning saying that the social worker was too late in submitting our profile for the baby boy situation due in a couple of weeks. Too late? I know these people have lives, but they are in control of my entire life. Why can't they do what they're being paid to do?

I know this is because it's compounding on all the pain of the past few months, but I don't know how I'm going to make it through my day. How much more disappointment will we go through? These things bring out all those feelings I thought I had gotten through. Bitterness and self-pity and thoughts like, "WHY is this easy for some people?" All I want in my life is to be able to love and parent a child. It's ridiculous and unfair and I HATE it.

I'm off to be grouchy to my co-workers now. They have to think I'm a total nut case.

Being Shown

We're definitely going to be shown to this little guy's mom. The agency is only asking for a tiny amount of money up front, which is great. From what I've read online and the responses I've gotten here, I think it's relatively common for a birthfather not to be named. Ohio has a putative father registry, but I'm hearing it's not often used. Our social worker emailed yesterday with this, "Many many of the cases have unknown fathers. It is a risk, but there are many other things that are much higher risks. I know every family wants a smooth and per say"clean" adoption,but that is not very common. Adoption is scary." That doesn't sound reassuring, but it really calmed me down. Adoption IS scary. We all know that. But, we've come through so much pain that I know we can handle whatever comes at us. If this doesn't work out, it'll hurt like the last one hurt. But, it's just one more step on my path to meeting my baby. I will never give up, and I won't let anything slow me down. Our social worker also said that maybe we should stop and take time to heal from our recent disruption, but that won't make me feel better. Remembering the excitement of preparing for a baby and focusing on the fact that our baby WILL be here someday (maybe in a few weeks!) is what heals me.
I'm going to be sappy again, like always, but I just love you girls! I can't tell you what this blog and what this community has meant to me throughout this journey.
Have a great weekend!!!

I need advice ASAP

Okay, so we got a call last night about a possible situation. I don't want to get too excited because I have to be rational and not lead with my heart like last time. The baby is a boy and is due in only three weeks, and the fees are only $14,000!!!! I remember, long before this adoption journey began, when I thought that was a ton of money and now it seems like pocket change :) Anyway, the pbmom has two children already at home and says there is no way she can raise another. The thing that is making me nervous is the birthfather situation. We don't have much info on him (I've got a call in to the social worker hoping to get some more), but what we do know is that the birthmom says she doesn't know his name. Some of you adoptive moms, have you been through this? What was your birthfather situation and what was the agency's advice to you? They told us it's labeled "high risk" because the birthfather hasn't consented, but then they said that most of their cases don't have a named birthdad and nothing ever comes of it. If he was a one night stand and she doesn't know his name, are we pretty much in the clear? The case is out of Ohio, and I know they have a putative father registry, so if he were to sign up on it, he'd have 30 days to do so after the baby's birth. I seriously couldn't handle it if after a month, I had to give a baby to someone else.
I'll post an update as soon as I hear from anyone, but in the mean time, any advice?? I'm floating between being so excited to being so scared.

***Update*** Our social worker just emailed me and said that the birthmom isn't required by Ohio law to name the birthfather. So, that could mean he knows and isn't supportive of the adoption OR it could mean that he was a one night stand. I'm so torn! We're calling our consultant this afternoon to get her input.

ALSO, the agency we just disrupted with emailed. I guess Amanda's "boyfriend" called the agency yesterday looking for her. He demanded to know if she placed with them. She must've left the state or something. Maybe she was afraid of him or maybe he didn't support her decision and she placed somewhere else. Who knows? But, you know how hindsight is 20/20? Well, I am SO thankful and consider it such a blessing now that we aren't in the middle of that. Imagine if she had placed with us and then this guy came back for the baby. I couldn't have handled that. Is that what I may be getting into now? I don't know what to DO!!!!

By Popular Demand...

So, there I am posing for you guys in the bridesmaid's dress. Aren't I beautiful? :) Okay, it's not me, I have a WAY better body than that chick:) HA! It's a nice dress, though, and has that little sash in the middle that hides the tummy. My sister's first comment was, "Man, we'll actually get to EAT at this wedding." Looking forward to that!

Cute bridesmaids dresses

I know you've all been just stewing over how I looked in my bridesmaid's dress :) I am happy to report that they are SO cute and completely flattering. I guess my life can go on now. I had such a great weekend at home. From all the comments on my last post, I see how many of us deal with separation and feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy because of our infertility struggles. It's so sad to me that so many of us smart, empathetic, and compassionate women feel like we aren't good enough. It's ridiculous and NOT true.



I'm also posting an updated pic of my nephew. Seriously, he's the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. It did my heart so much good to hold him and play with him. It reaffirms to me that this entire journey is so worth it!



Hope you all had great weekends! Back to work...yuck!

Going Home

I'm traveling this weekend to see my family. They live about four hours away and are the best people in the world. My mom and my sister are my best friends in the world. I love them so much. I can't wait to see my nephew who I haven't seen since Christmas. He's about 7 months old now and they change so fast around that age.
I'm excited....but...(I hope this all comes out right because I'm not sure how to explain what I'm feeling)...I feel very nervous about going home. Since this entire infertility thing started, I feel incredibly self-conscious being at home. It's like I revert back to being an insecure little girl who doesn't feel good enough. NOBODY there is judgemental. It's absolutely insane. They all love me, and I know that. (and for the record, I have NOT put weight on since Christmas :) )Why do I feel like I'm going to be scrutinized when I get there?

As if my crazy paranoia isn't bad enough, my soon to be sister-in-law's bridal shower in Sat. But, before that begins, I have to go try on my bridesmaid's dress and have it fitted for the wedding. And okay, okay, I may have gained a few pounds since Christmas...the idea of putting on some tight, horrible bridesmaids dress in a bridal shop with mirrors highlighting every little flaw...someone please kill me NOW.

I know this is all in my head. All my clothes still fit. :) My family loves me and wants nothing but to support me during this crazy time. My brother is getting married and I want him to experience the complete joy that I've had in being married. I get to kiss my nephew's chubby cheeks and hear him giggle. I get to talk to my mom about our new possible adoption situations. I get to groan behind closed doors with my sister about our horrible bridesmaids dresses. I get to be with people who know where I come from and who know my history. I love them with all my heart, so why do I feel like I've let them down?

I'm a happy girl

I had no idea that just a week after the due date of this failed match, I'd be so happy. I've been reminded how beautiful life is. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a husband who loves me with his entire heart. I know that he does. I'm a total dork, and he sees that every day. I don't wear make up at home, I put my jammies on the second I walk in the door from work (they're not from Victoria's Secret, either), and I can be crazy emotional. What an amazing gift to have someone to share my life who loves me completely.

AND....we got THREE phone calls about possible matches over the weekend. Two of them wanted open adoptions, which isn't something we're open to (no comments, please, it's our own preference), but one of them sounds perfect. They aren't matching her until next week, but they called to see if we'd be interested. The birthmom is due sometime in April (we'll get more details when they're ready to match) with a little GIRL!!! The birthmom has already placed a child with this agency, which they say is a great sign. I'm trying not to get too excited, but it is SO nice to have something positive to focus on. It sounds funny, but our previous match never felt good. It was always so iffy and we were always very uncomfortable with certain aspects of the situation. This one feels good. Not counting our chickens or anything, but just happy to be back in the running.

Any big Valentine plans?