Feeling good

It's like pulling a band-aid off. It would've been so much better to have just had our situation disrupt outright. The worst part was the waiting and knowing in my heart that it wasn't going to happen, but still holding out a tiny bit of hope that no person could be so heartless to have gone to an adoption agency, filled out paperwork, asked to be matched with family and to be given some expenses and then never contact them again. Why not just call and say you changed your mind?
But, now that it's over, I truly feel so much better. There is a sense of enormous relief in being out of a situation that was so harmful to me emotionally. I'm excited to be back out there and looking for a new match. We contacted all the agencies who have our profile and got put back on active status. I have to keep the faith that we won't wait forever for a new match. I want to have that feeling like I did in the beginning of all of this that I could be a mom at any moment.
My biggest complaint right now is agency fees. We are being shown at a certain agency who charges a flat fee of $35,000 for a Caucasian newborn. What kind of ridiculousness is that? We're open to any gender, ethnicity, some drug use, etc. and you'd think people would just want to find tiny little babies good homes. Not true; they want to do that, but they want to drive a BMW around while they do. They prey on people like me. People who have had disruptions or years of fertility treatments and would do just about anything, including writing a big fat check where the agency makes 25,000, the birth mom gets 4,000, and the lawyers get 6,000 just so I can bring a baby home and stop all this insanity.
I'm getting all worked up:) Okay, truly I am feeling so much better today and I thank you guys so much for your support. I say that every post now, but I can't tell you how much it's lifted us up.
So, it's the weekend...any big plans?

Work

On Monday, I put in for a personal day this Friday. We get two days a year that are supposed to be for whatever we want. We've pretty much decided that Friday will be the day we break our match. It is going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done, and I really need a week day (while people are actually in the office) to be able to contact our agencies and the other agencies who have our profile. I got to work this morning and had an email waiting from my boss.

It said, "I was sent the form that you submitted requesting a “personal day” on our In-service date. I hesitate to approve this. If you refer to page 70 of the teacher handbook regarding Professional Development Requirement, you see you are required to have 24 hours of In-service every year. It is problematic to take the scheduled in-service days as “personal”. Is this something you could reschedule?"

This person is well aware of the situation we are going through. I emailed back and said "I have to break the match with a child I thought I would have at home by now. I have to unpack a suitcase that I've had ready to go full of tiny baby things. I have to start the search again for a child. I can not be at work on Friday. This is not something I can reschedule."

I know it wasn't personal and she has a job to do. But, it's just one more reminder than people don't GET IT! We're grieving the loss, yet again, of our dream of having a child. We have to go back to waiting and praying for a match, hoping we're deemed "good enough" by a birth mom to raise her child. The total lack of compassion for situations like this is flooring to me. Do you think she would ever ask a pregnant woman to reschedule anything? Doctors appointments, days of rest, etc. NO WAY. I feel like the fact that I've been here every day for the past six weeks while enduring a personal hell should earn me some sort of medal.

I'm so glad to have my blog pals who truly GET IT. Thank you all for your words of support and compassion. I read every single one to my husband, and it truly means the world to us. I know that some day, hopefully soon, every one of you will rejoice with us when we finally do bring our baby home.

But, right now I hate my job and everyone here :)

D Day

Today's the day. Still nothing, but I'm not surprised. Does anyone know if agencies put you to the top of their "lists" if you have a failed match? I've heard from a few people that it probably won't take us long to rematch. Any experience with that?

Just like when I was shocked that I didn't get pregnant right away, I am really shocked that this has probably happened. I don't know why we always think we're above things happening to us, but I felt so strongly about adopting and I was so sure that it would happen quickly and painlessly for us. I can't wait for two weeks just in case she's late. We're taking it a day at a time, but Friday will probably be our limit. I don't want to give up on a child who may need me, but I'd also like to be able to move on if that's what I need to do.

Where is our baby? I want him/her to come home.

How I've spent my weekend

I have to say, first of all, thanks to Mel at Stirrups Queen for the shout-out in her Fridayblog round-up. It's a little embarassing how excited I was to see it :)

Next...my weekend has been filled with television. It's sad, but true. We watched the ENTIRE Lord of the Rings series yesterday. That's 12 hours of sitting on the couch watching tv. And that's not all. This morning, we watched "In America," which I can not recommend highly enough. It is one of the most beautiful movies I've ever seen. We started watching Super Bowl coverage at noon and are still at it. I have literally watched tv the entire weekend. I had to. It took all the energy I had to shower today. I feel completely frozen by this wait. I feel like I've already begun to mourn this loss, but I can't get over it because the due date isn't even here yet. I just want it to be over with.

I have this nursery full of furniture, tiny little clothes, silly baby toys, etc. and still no baby for any of it.

We saw a baby in Blockbuster last night (when we were renting our FOURTH movie of the weekend...shut up everyone) and I told my husband to grab it and run to the car. I was only half-joking. :)

Going CRAZY

The only new news is that no hospital has any record of Amanda yet. Our agency called just this morning and still nothing. Is that good news? I have no idea. It could mean that she hasn't gone into labor yet. It could mean she's not even in the state anymore. It could mean she gave birth a month ago. It could mean I might need a straight jacket soon.
My mom called last night and all I heard was her voice and I totally lost it. Why? Who knows. Because I'm turning into a crazy person, that's why. I go from total rage into complete despair into feeling hopeful because there's no WAY this woman can parent a child and she was the first person to admit it. CRAZY...that's me.

I know now why adoption agencies can charge $30,000 for babies. It's because you get to this point where you don't care what the cost is. They are able to get away with that because people like me get so desperate that they'll pay whatever it takes to whoever tells them they can get them a baby. Take out a loan? okay. Second mortage? sure. Just give me a baby and nobody gets hurt.

Yep, I'm nuts. How much longer?

One more week

As of today, no local hospitals have any records of Amanda. She is due in one week. I need input: how long after the due date do we hold out hope? She had an ultra sound very early, and doctors have told us that such an early ultrasound is probably very close to what her due date will be. What do you think?

I'm going to post something upbeat today. I want to focus on the positives in my life and things I'm excited about in the future. So, here it goes.

1. I am PSYCHED for the Superbowl. I'm a midwestern girl at heart, and I know in my hometown (directly between Chicago and Indianapolis), people are going nuts with excitement. I went to college in Indy, so I am a huge Colts fan...plus, Peyton Manning is my secret boyfriend. :)

2. My mom has been out of town for nearly three weeks (in Hawaii, don't feel sad for her), and I've nearly gone crazy. We usually talk every day, and it's been TOUGH to not talk to her. She gets home today, and I can hardly wait.

3. Even if this adoption doesn't go through, I have a mini-break from work at the end of next week. I think I may extend it one day and have Friday-Tues. off. That will allow me a few days to heal and regroup if things don't work out.

4. I have a box of double chocolate brownie mix hiding in my kitchen cabinet. I've been saving it for quite some time. I may make them while my husband is working the next two nights. Do I have to share them with anyone? NO!

5. This morning while driving to work, I heard a DJ on the radio talking about her co-worker's wife. She is suffering from some odd heart issues and has had to go to the hospital multiple times in the past few days. He told her not to worry because "God's got it." It was so simple, but it was so profound for me this morning. My faith has been truly put to the test throughout this journey, but to remember that God "has it" and I don't need to worry puts me totally at ease. He knows where Amanda is right at this very moment, even though I don't. He knows what will happen, and I truly believe He will bring us the child we have been praying for, even if this baby is not that child. I am impatient and I don't WANT to wait (and nobody is allowed to remind me of this post the next time I'm feeling sorry for myself! :), but I have to give up some control and let God take it.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him." 1 Samuel 27

Homesick

Isn't it weird to feel like you miss something you don't yet have? I don't know if the baby due in a week is meant for us, but I do know that our baby is out there somewhere. I think the worst part of all of this is the longing for a baby who may or may not already be conceived. Our baby might be out there right now giving his/her birthmom little kicks. He/She may be days away from birth or may be newly conceived.
I was ALWAYS the kid at summer camp who missed home. I love being at home. I hate leaving for work some mornings because I feel homesick. Yes, I'm a grown woman:) I feel that way about our baby. My heart and my arms seriously ache at times. I want to hold my child. I wish I could be the one to keep him/her warm and safe in utero. I hate that our future child may be subjected to drugs in the womb. When I was trying to get pregnant, I didn't even want to get too close to the gas pump because I didn't want to inhale the fumes.
I have moments where I want to scream at the complete injustice.

This post is quite a downer. I'll end with an upbeat note...I have a piece of Ghirardelli chocolate hiding in my desk. I'm going to eat it right now! :)

Feeling better

No news, really, so I haven't known what to say as an update. Our agency has been calling all local hospitals to see if A has delivered yet, and she hasn't checked in at any of them, which gives me a small bit of hope (don't you hate that?!). But, who is to say that she's not in California or something...it's just impossible to predict what will happen.

I am feeling better because of all the situations I've come across lately. The social worker who did our home study called yesterday with TWO possibilities and the sites I used to check for situations are also listing many new ones. I am not giving up on our current situation completely, but I feel like it has to come down to self-preservation at some point. I need to know that there are other situations out there. I need to know that we could match again quickly. I know a psychiatrist would have a field day with me because I'm not dealing with this loss, but I'm afraid if I stop, even for a second, then I may not ever get back up again. That's how I was the infertility diagnosis, too. It's like I couldn't even deal with the possible disappointment that any treatment could bring. I jumped with my whole heart into adoption because I truly believe it is how I am supposed to build my family, but at the same time, I still haven't grieved the loss of a biological child. Is that because it's really not a big deal to me or because I can't face it? I don't know. All I know is that I can't let this possible disruption get me down even for a second. I want a baby NOW, and I can't take time out to grieve because that's just wasted time in pursuing our child.

Will I probably die from an ulcer or a stress related heart attack? Yep. :) But, at least I feel better today:)

Pals and nephews

You guys are great. Every time I check my email, there is a new comment from a blogger pal, and you have no idea how uplifting and encouraging you are to me. I read your blogs and feel inspired. I read the stories of women who have endured the same pain I feel and even more. I read the stories of families created through adoption who would go through it all again if it meant getting the child meant for them.

Thank you for your support and for your unbelievable strength.

We were on the phone all afternoon yesterday. Nothing new, but our agency STILL insists they believe she will place. We're praying that she makes the right decision for her baby. We're praying God brings us the child meant for us.

Until then...here is the second thing that gets me through. Check out my nephew; is he the cutest thing you've ever seen? Being an aunt has been the greatest joy I've ever experienced, which makes me realize that being a mom will be worth all of this garbage right now.

I feel sick

I'm at work, first of all, trying to get through the day without losing it. Our social worker called and had some news about A. After the social worker left a note in the mailbox of her last known address yesterday, someone called the agency. It seems A isn't living there anymore. After Christmas, her boyfriend (and the birth father), got out of jail. So, she stole everything this guy has and left to go back with the boyfriend. What does this mean for us? That's selfish, and I know it, but what do we do? Does that mean that now he's out of jail that they'll want to keep the baby? If they stole money, jewelry, etc. from this guy are they long gone? I feel myself just falling apart. How do people get through this?
I know this isn't the end of it. She's still going to give birth, and she still may want to place, but everything keeps pointing to it not happening. Why can't she just CALL and tell them what's going on?
I can't go through this; I just can't.