First PT appt

It was a total joke.  I really am starting to wish I had gone with my gut and been firm that Lily is fine and she'll walk when she wants to.  Really, this service is for children with severe disabilities and I hate feeling like I'm wasting their time.  The social worker asked us tons of question like, "Can she sit by herself?" while watching her crawl and pull up and walk along the couch.  I know it's part of her job, but come on! :)  I think we're going to go ahead and have the physical therapist come out and look at her legs, but I know there's nothing wrong.  And today (because she wants to make her mommy look like a total nut case who panics about nothing), Lily took a step.  It wasn't walking by any means, but she put a foot out and put her weight on it.  She then collapsed and put a piece of lint from the floor into her mouth.  I'm so proud. :)

Worth how many words?

Priceless!  This girl is turning into the biggest ham ever.  She "cheeses" for the camera and flirts ridiculously with anyone who wants to take her picture.  The last one is her bending down to "hide" from me.  She shoots up and says "BOO."  It's so funny.  And the one with her under the TV tray...she just decided she wanted to hang out there for awhile.  She sat under there for awhile and decided to put her feet up.  She looks like I've bothered her by taking a picture:)  And the first two...those are just Lily in all of her sweetness.  She loves to swing and she loves to smile.  AND I was right about her bigger teeth coming in!  Her first molars are starting up.  And her gums are SOOO swollen.  Poor girl!  We're staying on top of the Motrin:)

No news on the walking front; we have our first consult with the PT tomorrow.  However, since her appt. Friday, she's now showing interest in walking and will do so holding just one of my hands, which is a vast improvement from not showing any interest at all last week.  Like I said, I know it's just that she's going to do it in HER time.   And like any good woman, she's taking her sweet time! :)

15 month check up - this is why parenting is so hard

We had Lily's 15 month check up today. She is 25 lbs (same weight since 9 months! :) and she is far ahead of the cognitive norms. We had to laugh when the dr asked us if she says more than 5 words:) She's a chatter box!

However, she still isn't walking. And he wasn't concerned about that until he checked her legs. He said her not walking worries him now because she's lacking muscle tone in her legs. It's not that she's not strong because she can stand and she cruises around our furniture. But, he recommended that we contact our local first steps office to have a therapist see her. I'm not going to lie, even typing that here, I feel teary again. I am sure it's nothing and I know so many parents go through so much worse with their children, but this is my baby. And it hurts my heart that there's something wrong with her beautiful legs. I need to keep it in perspective and feel good that we can get her check out and have some therapy to get her moving. And our doctor said it could also just be that she's not interested, but he just doesn't want her to miss a "developmental window." If you ask me, I'm still sure that it's just that she's not interested. She does what she wants when she wants to - from day one. She had zero interest in solid foods until she decided she wanted them and she crawled very late because she was too busy reading her books and doing more learning-centered activities. But I know it won't hurt to have a little physical therapy. I made sure with the center that this isn't something that would follow her through school because they told me they have to create a "file" for her. As a former teacher, I know all to well that once kids are labeled with any sort of disability, it's very tough to break out of that, unfortunately.

I'm going to finish with the other high note; she didn't cry even a little through her TB test! What a big girl:) Okay, so she howled like a crazy woman during the other two shots, but she braved that TB test like a champ! :) Thanks in advance for reading. I always know I can come here and vent and get my feelings out and feel supported by you guys.

**Update:  I've been researching babies with poor leg muscle tone like crazy and it seems to be really common.  In fact, the more I research, Lily isn't even a late walker yet - not until 18 months do they deem them late.  So, I'm thinking this is hopefully nothing at all and that the PT will just tell us she'll do it when she's darn well ready! :)

Part-Time Jobs and Technorati ??s

My husband works as an adjunct professor, which means he makes all of his money in the fall and spring.  So here we are in early summer, and I'm thinking, "What happened to all of our income?"  :)  It's not that extreme, really, but with both of us home so much,  I'm really kind of wanting to pursue some sort of part time work.  In a perfect world, it would be something I could do from home (hello get rich quick schemes:) and that would use my degree/talents, which is a Masters in English.  I'm at a total loss, though.  Do any of you work from home or have outside part time jobs? Do you enjoy getting out and making some money or do you feel pulled from home?  I love being an at home parent, but with Lily getting older and with my husband home so much, I feel like I have some time to do something extra.  Any input is much appreciated. 

ALSO, does anyone use technorati?  Someone told me to list the blog on it, but I dont' "get" it at all. :)  I'm so bad!  Is it to drive more traffic to the blog?  Again, help a girl out. :)

What a wierdo post! :)

Go Get a Frosty!

We're going to be out of town this weekend visiting family, so unless something earth shattering happens that I cannot contain myself about, this'll be my last post until Monday:) But I had to remind you to go to Wendy's this weekend and get a Frosty!! They're super yummy PLUS the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is amazing and this weekend, they donate 50 cents from every Frosty purchase to the Foundation. It's a wonderful and yummy cause, so spread the word! Happy Father's Day to all the daddies and someday daddies out there! :)

A New Day

I can't thank you enough for your kind words and support in my previous post. Just knowing I'm not alone in my occasional worry and fear makes me feel so much better. And I truly hope I didn't scare any of you potential adoptive parents. Nothing has ever been as beautiful and miraculous as my Lily Grace. I wouldn't change one single thing on our journey here because then she wouldn't be who she is. So, yes, adoption can be scary, but isn't parenthood in general? I highly recommend reading through some of the comments posted below. I can't tell you how helpful and encouraging they were for me!

As promised, I'm posting a few new great pics to set a happier, less stressful tone around here:)

And this last one; whenever I need a reminder of what "mommy" means and how worth any pain or stress being Lily's mommy is, I'll look at it.

Honesty **with updates

I had a kind of heart stopping moment today. I was playing with Lily (we just bought her her very first baby doll and she is so in love with it! She hugs it and says, "Bah-beee" (baby) - it's really the cutest thing ever), and it hit me that she has no clue that I didn't give birth to her. I mean, obviously, she doesn't get any of that yet, but for some reason it nearly stopped my heart because she doesn't know yet. It almost brought tears to my eyes because I had a moment of sheer understanding of why people don't tell children they're adopted. Please, PLEASE don't get me wrong - we are so proud to be a family through adoption and there is absolutely no chance of that happening here nor do I want it to, but I felt in that split second grief that she didn't come from me. Does that make any sense? Obviously, if I had given birth to her, she wouldn't be who she is - and obviously, I wouldn't change even one thing, but I can't describe any better the feeling of sadness that came over me. And it really was just for that second - I rarely even think of her being adopted - it's just the way our family was made. She is my daughter and that's the end of it, but I wish I could put into words what I felt. Maybe I'm not alone here and someone can say it better than I could.

When I'm really 100% honest with myself and here on this blog, as comfortable as I am with adoption and how proud I am to be a mommy through adoption, I have moments of panic. I feel very vulnerable even writing that here, but it's true. I have moments of worry that I won't tell her about her adoption the right way. How do you begin introducing it? We have "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born," and she has a lifebook...are those the places to start? And my greatest fear is that she will resent it. I know that's silly and not worth even giving ideas like that my time, but I can't help it. I know the statistics; I know there are some adoptees who struggle with being adopted. I have moments where I wish it was just easy. I wish I was just her mom and that I didn't have to worry about telling her she was placed because you know no matter how well you tell it, there will be some grief on her part. And I'm ready for that and okay with it, but it's still hard. And I am terrified - absolutely terrified that she won't see me as her mom. I hate even typing that, but when I'm 100% honest, it's a real fear of mine. I know I need to get over it, but I love her so much that I can't even imagne something like that. I think, though, that all moms - no matter how they became moms - feel that way.

Man, this is a rough post, and I really hope it came out the right way, but like I said, I have needed to vent and a safe place to express some difficult feelings, so here they are. Lucky you guys, right? :) I promise I'll ease the pain of this one with a picture post or something equally cute tomorrow:) I'm really nervous to hit publish because I feel like some of things I've said here may not come out right. Give me the benefit of the doubt and be kind, okay? :)

***I've found it! Gretchen put it perfectly in the first comment. It's overwhelming to think about the potential for grief and pain in our children. But you know what? That's true for ANY parent and ANY child. Thanks for helping me find the words, Gretchen! :)

Can't.Take.The.Heat.

Imagine me dragging my hot (temp wise!), tired body across the floor while I say that:)  It is miserably hot here!! And guess whose AC wasn't in commission for about three hours this afternoon?  Yep, mine.  I know this is going to sound very, very spoiled, but I don't know how people made it through the summers without air conditioning.  Luckily, everything got fixed very quickly, but the house still hasn't cooled back off...probably because it was in the 90s here today.  I actually got in the tub with Lily tonight just to cool off.  She thought it was pretty funny. :)

In other Lily news, she is working on her NINTH tooth!!! She has all four up top and about 3 1/4 up on the bottom and now her fifth one is coming in on top.  It's non-stop teething around here.  We also had our first major diaper blow out yesterday.  I know you all wanted to know that:)  I consider us very, very lucky to have made it this far, but it was HORRIBLE!! Stupid me, she had been constipated so I gave her straight up apple juice....not good.  Not good at all.  She is the girliest little thing, too, she gets upset by poop:)  Too much info and she'll kill me someday when she reads this, but I can't help myself; it really is the funniest thing.  Anytime she goes, she comes straight over to me and says "hi...Hi...HI!!"  progressively louder.  Seriously, she needs changed immediately. :)  My nephew could play all day long in a dirty diaper and never care.  My girly girl knows the deal!!   Still no walking...she'll stand up by herself as long as you want her to, but when I try to get her to step, she shakes her head and says very matter-of-factly "no, no." Not sassy or anything, just letting me know how she feels about it :)  

Hope everybody's staying cool.  My husband's watching the NBA playoffs, so I'm off to waste some time playing word games on facebook.  It's too, too addictive. :)

The Fertility Journal

The latest book I'm reviewing for Mother Talk is one I think every single person who reads my blog could have or would still benefit from. "The Fertility Journal," by Kim Hahn (founder and CEO of Conceive Magazine...so she knows her stuff and won't tell you take a vacation or drink wine to get pregnant:) is one of the best resources I've ever seen for learning more about your fertility, charting temps, ovulation, keeping track of taking that pesky prenatal vitamin and SO much more. PLUS...it's the prettiest book I've ever seen:)

Along with keeping track of all the basics, there are sections for really delving into having a healthy pregnancy, keeping your marriage fresh and on track (I'm reading that NOW!:), and then examining emotions if/when getting pregnant becomes an issue. This journal is the epitome of organization, so you know I love it. :) Every month has it's own "issue" to examine - some aren't even directly related to pregnancy but may examine your battle with your weight and self-imagine. Really, this is just a fantastic book for anyone thinking of conceiving. As the months go on, too, the focus becomes more on taking good care of yourself and examining every option related to fertility treatments. The back section, "When you need a little help," lists every possible diagnosis, how it can be treated, and what options you have. There is also a section of definitions for all the acronyms we have come to know and despise, but that were super confusing at first. (hCG is Human Chorionic Gonadotropic - a hormone produced by the placenta that is measured in pregnancy tests, HSG is a hysterosalpingogram - a procedure used to determine whether the fallopian tubes are open, etc....really, I could've used this two years ago when I was swimming in confusion and overwhelmed by terminology. IT.IS.AWESOME! I highly, highly recommend it to anyone trying to get pregnant. Now that I'm beyond that stage (aren't I?) I'm going to pass this on to a woman I know who is trying to get pregnant. It's that good!

While I'm on the subject, if you haven't ever visited "Conceive" online, I highly recommend the site. Again, where in the world couldn't I have found this two years ago?? :)

Scary Days

We have had quite a time here lately. We spent a great deal of time outside over the weekend, so on Sunday when we noticed two little bumps on Lily's legs, we assumed she got a few mosquito bites. When we got up on Monday morning, though, you can't believe what her little legs looked like. The bites were both swollen to the size of quarters at least, and on little bitty legs, that's pretty big. One had streaks of red branching out from it and the other was yellow in the center surrounded by red. Both of them were hot to the touch and she'd pull away if we tried to touch them. I. FREAKED. OUT. We immediately called our pediatrician, who was out due to the holiday, of course. But we left a message on the emergency line and he called back right away. And sent us to the immediate care center. I called my mom crying; I was just so worried about her. And at times like this, I hate so much that we don't live near my mom!

We scooted on over to the immediate care center and waited. And waited. It lifted my spirits a bit that Lily flirted with the entire waiting room. She won't let a few bites get her down. No way:) She was smiling and chatting people up. What a ham! We finally saw the doctor and he examined her and told us they were spider bites. He said on kids her size, the poison can sometimes really get to them even if it's a spider that wouldn't really impact us. The red lines branching out from the bites was the poison filtering into her veins. I wanted to cry. I felt SO guilty. Even though we have our house sprayed very regularly, and I imagine she got them crawling around in the grass or sitting on the blanket outside over the weekend - and what am I going to do? Never let her outside? Nope. But I still felt bad; I hated seeing those things on my baby's legs! So this week has been full of leg checks, prednisone and antibiotic treatments, and a very, very thankful mom:) This may sound corny, but it hit me once again how lucky we are to be able to just take her into the doctor when she needs it. We're not wealthy by American standards, but that luxury alone makes us wealthy by the world's.

Miss Lil is doing much better now. I didn't take pictures when the bites were at their worst, and I'm glad because I don't want to remember it. But, you can kind of see them still lingering in these pictures. AND on a very happy note, look at that girl:) She's starting to walk behind her little lion. Don't be silly and think she's trying to walk on her own, though. She knows better; she knows mommy will carry her:) These are some of my favorite new pictures. She is starting to thin out so much from moving around, but the tummy is still in full force here. :)

Here's to a QUIET and relaxed weekend:) My sister is coming down Saturday for a little visit, and I made the mistake of telling Lily that yesterday. She loves her "Mal Mal" (my sister's name is Mallory), and she crawled around all day yesterday saying "Mal Mal.....Mal Mal" like she's looking for her. Mental note: don't tell the kid anything too far in advance. :)

Hope everyone's weekend is spider free. :)